by C. M. Newman
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE: ANGELA’S SECRET
“Is that you?” Vince called from the back of the apartment.
“Yeah,” Angela answered. Her first stop after taking her shoes and coat off was the kitchen, where she peeked into the oven and saw enchiladas on their last few minutes’ cooking time. They weren’t on her list of approved foods for keeping Vince’s stomach calm, but he’d been eating by the rules for two weeks now, ever since hearing the advice straight from his doctor. She didn’t argue.
“Hey,” Vince said pleasantly from right behind her and making her jump. “How was your day?”
“Okay. How was yours?” she said.
“Uneventful,” Vince said with a kiss on the back of her head. “Hope you’re okay with what I made.”
“If it’s what you want, we can live on the wild side for one night. Smells amazing. What time does Charlie need to be picked up from his friend’s house?”
“He’s getting dropped off, but not for another hour. Why?”
“No reason.” Angela turned around and nestled into Vince’s arms, resting her chin on his shoulder. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been this close to anyone. And I’ve certainly never been in a relationship where I wanted to see the guy every single day.”
Vince’s eyes twinkled. “I feel honored.”
Angela scoffed. “Did I say this was any different?” She went to set the table, but Vince had already done it. “Anyway, you know that…thing I never told you about?”
“You might have to be a little more specific than that,” Vince replied.
“The, uh…reason I hadn’t gone to church in a long time before I started going with you.”
“Oh, that. Yeah. Am I going to find out now?”
Angela shrugged. “The past couple of weeks, I’ve really grown to understand how amazing it is to have someone who knows you inside and out and still loves you. Even on our bad days, there’s still this underlying peace that keeps me grounded.”
“Because you know that no matter how much you lose it, I’m not going anywhere,” Vince finished.
Angela took a seat at the dining room table. “Exactly. And I’m still pretty sure no one else knows me as well as you do. But you don’t know everything. And every day, I think of this part of my past a little more, mostly because I think it’s silly that I haven’t told you. I don’t want us to have secrets.”
“I’m all ears,” Vince said, sitting and tangling fingers with her.
Angela took in a sizable breath and her eyelids fluttered shut. “Okay, here goes. As you know, I tend to get along more easily with men than with women. I love Sophie, but I’m not much into the gossip and manicures and…girls’ nights out, that sort of thing. Not as much as she is. I like to keep things simple. Well, I’ve always been that way. Growing up, I had one best friend. His name was Jeff Draper. He lived down the street from us. When one of us got into any sort of trouble, both of us did, because I kid you not, we were inseparable. But there weren’t any feelings beyond that, really. We were just friends. But it changed once we were about to graduate high school. Both of us had been pretty focused on our studies and extracurriculars—real ones, unlike everyone else, it seemed. We’d both kept pretty busy and neither of us had ever dated anyone seriously. And I don’t even know how the idea got stuck in our heads, but it did. Suddenly we were interested in getting a glimpse of what we thought we’d been missing out on the past couple of years. We decided to be each other’s…firsts.”
The oven beeped shrilly, but Vince ignored it.
“It’s okay, we can pause,” Angela said. Vince was quick in getting dinner to the table, as if the break meant she might not finish her story.
“Are you okay?” Vince asked when Angela didn’t continue right away.
She nodded. Surprisingly, she actually was, at least for the moment. Though the memory was painful, though it racked her heart with guilt to recount it, she knew that the person sitting next to her wanted nothing more than to hear the rest of it only so he could tell her she had nothing to feel guilty about.
“Yeah, sorry, I’m fine,” she said with a short smile. “Anyway, where did I leave off? Oh, right. So we…you know. At first we’d only planned to do it once, just so we could see what it was like and so we didn’t go to college as virgins, but it kind of turned into an entire summer of stupidity. Not only were we not being smart about the physical side of things, but we were throwing our friendship away. It wasn’t romantic. We never kissed or held hands outside of the obvious. Not that I blame him for any of that—the agreement was never to have a relationship. Anyway, finally, it was time to go our separate ways. I was off to Duke, as you know, but Jeff was going to UCLA. It was…”
The pain caught up to Angela for real now, stinging her eyes, which she quickly tended to with her napkin, both their plates still untouched. Vince didn’t say a word. He just waited.
“I remember it so clearly. It was the night before we both left for school. That mad rush to get the stuff we needed was finally over, so we went out to our favorite diner for a bite to eat. Even if we weren’t as good of friends as we had been, we needed to see each other that night, you know? It was our last hurrah. We weren’t even planning on sleeping together or anything. We just wanted to hang out, like old times. Anyway, we ordered our food, I went to the bathroom, and this girl in the stall next to me asked if I could spot her a tampon. I looked in my purse, realized I didn’t have any, and then it hit me. I should’ve had them on me. I should’ve been on my period. I did the math and I was already four days late.”
“Did you tell him?” Vince asked.
Angela cut off the circulation in Vince’s poor hands. Her eyes shone before they lowered to the floor. “I did eventually, but not at that point in time. I couldn’t sneak a pregnancy test until I was moved into my dorm and my parents were gone, but I knew already anyway. And I also knew—or I thought, anyway—that there was no way I could have a baby. I’d worked my whole life to get good grades and go to a good school, and I had an incredible scholarship. Granted, my dad could have afforded to put me through school anywhere without a problem, but I wanted to make my own way as much as I could. So I decided to…well, you know. Get an abortion.”
Angela couldn’t stand to think of what look might lie on Vince’s face at that moment, so she continued her monologue to her feet.
“My, uh, parents had given me a credit card for emergencies. I went on a shopping spree the first weekend after classes started, spent more than enough to cover the procedure, then sold the stuff to the girls in my hall who all had their parents’ cash in their pockets and couldn’t wait to spend it on designer clothes at a slight discount.” She stopped again, now running her fingers under her eyes as her throat pinched shut.
“Did anyone go with you?” Vince asked.
“No, I went alone. No one knew. The receptionist told me I couldn’t have the procedure without someone there to accompany me home, but I changed her mind when I paid in cash and gave her a little extra. She couldn’t have been much older than I was. And…that was that. Well, not exactly. It wasn’t quite that easy. The cramping was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced to this day. My roommate almost dragged me to the campus clinic—she thought I was dying. But…eventually it was over.”
Vince didn’t know what to do or say. “You said you told Jeff eventually?” he asked carefully.
Angela nodded. “That Christmas, the first time since school had started that we were both in the same state again. I went over to his house, took him out to dinner, told him, and he…never talked to me again. As if spending the semester in pain and depressed and lonely and overwhelmed with guilt wasn’t bad enough, I’d completely lost my best friend. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I told him what I’d done. So the next semester was even worse. I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I didn’t have an appetite for anything healthy, just garbage, I was skipping class all the time…There were even some nights where I considered just…checkin
g out,” Angela admitted, feeling Vince’s hands around hers again. The comforting gesture made it harder for her to continue, and in reaction to her prolonged pause, Vince pulled her into his arms. “But I kept thinking about how I couldn’t do that to my parents, you know?”
“Did you ever tell anyone else?”
“About what?”
“Anything,” Vince said.
Angela’s chin shook so she pressed it into Vince’s shoulder. “You’re the only one I’ve ever told about the suicidal thoughts, but I got brave and told my mom about the abortion a few years after it happened. It took her that long to get over me spending all that money on that emergency credit card. And she wasn’t any happier when I told her where the money had really gone. But she was even more upset that I’d done something so drastic without involving her. I thought she’d never talk to me again, either, once I’d told her. Of course, she told my dad, which I respected. Their motto for their marriage was ‘no secrets,’ and I agree, but…it killed my dad to hear about it. It honestly took a couple of years before I felt comfortable around my parents again. And even once I was comfortable around them, it still wasn’t the same. Hasn’t been since.”
Vince took a long moment to take in everything Angela had said. “Not to devalue what you went through at all, because I can’t imagine how painful that was, but what made you so aversive to church? What made you pull away? Is there something I missed?”
“I’d committed murder, Vince,” Angela said in disbelief, drawing away from him. “I’d been selfish and put my own life above my child’s for no reason other than the fact that I was scared of my life not going the way I’d planned. I…I tried to talk to the pastor at a church near campus, but all he wanted to do was get me counseling. Not spiritual counseling, but, you know…post-abortion counseling in case I was depressed or something—which obviously I was. Very. He never said I was a horrible person, but the looks said it all. He also never reminded me that my sins were forgiven, and after a while I started to think that maybe they weren’t. Maybe God has a limit, you know?”
Vince shook his head. “He doesn’t. Trust me, I’ve read on it day in and day out and I’ve talked to Pastor Fenwick at length about it. And I’ve prayed about it. Part of my struggle with getting back in was this fear that it was too late or that I’d ignored God for too long. That’s not the case, trust me.”
Angela gave an accepting nod. It did wonders for her soul to hear someone else tell her that her decision hadn’t sealed her fate. “I think I finally understand, now that I’m going back to church with you and I’m seeing how it’s changed you and given you peace and a new purpose. I’m close to finding forgiveness. It’s a work in progress.”
“The only one who hasn’t forgiven you is you,” Vince said poignantly. “Jeff is probably even past it by now but could never call you up because he thought he’d treated you too harshly, or thought there was nothing left to salvage. Maybe I’m wrong. All I know for sure is that you need to forgive yourself. You really do. You’ve been living with this guilt for over twenty years. That’s such a long time.”
Angela shook her head. “It’s been a while, yeah, but it’s usually not so in my face. Just recently is when it started getting to me again.”
“Well, if it helps to hear it, this hasn’t changed the way I feel about you,” Vince assured her. “I understand you a little better, obviously, but nothing else has changed. Not for the worse, anyway.”
“Has something changed for the better?” Angela said.
That wasn’t what Vince had meant consciously, but maybe there was some truth to that notion. He remembered something Angela had said twice tonight. “No secrets, right?” he asked himself as much as he asked her. The drug trial didn’t count, surely, he told himself. Not when her ignorance was for her own good.
A smile finally graced Angela’s lips and she nodded. “Yeah, I guess so. No secrets.”
“Like you said, recipe for a successful marriage—relationship, I mean,” Vince stammered. “A successful relationship.”
“Stop, hold on,” Angela said, putting up her hand and continuing without filtering herself. “Do you want to get married?”
Vince finally picked up his fork and knife and began to cut into his food, but Angela grasped his wrist.
“I’m serious. Do you want to get married?” she asked again.
Vince cleared his throat and forced himself to look Angela in the eye. “If…if you do. But I could never make you—”
“Stop right there. What do you want, Vince?” Angela demanded with authority.
“What do you mean?”
“What do you want? Right now. Do you want to get married? Do you want to get married? You, Vince. Pretend I want whatever you want. Just tell me what you want.”
Befuddled by Angela’s odd attitude, Vince didn’t know what to do but to go along with her, to play her game until he found out what the object was. “Yeah, I do. Of course I do. I just—”
“Stop worrying about everyone else for just two minutes,” Angela said, holding up the same number of fingers. “Just two minutes. You’re suffering, too, not just your family and your friends. This is your life that’s ending—at least here on earth. If this is what you want, then take it, or at least ask for it. But don’t just sit there and assume you’re not allowed to have it. Enough of this self-sacrifice. Everyone you know wants to see you happy. If marrying me would make you happy—”
“Of course marrying you would make me happy,” Vince said over the throbbing in his head. “Let’s…let’s get married. I take it you want to, right?” he said with an awestruck chuckle. Peace and happiness for her—with her—was all he wanted at this very moment. The possibility that he could make one of her dreams come true was a little hard to believe, but he would take it.
Angela nodded fervently and stood up, meeting Vince for a hug whose curative powers knew no limits. “I wouldn’t have asked if you wanted to get married three—four times just now if I didn’t want it too.”
This earned Angela a kiss like no other, interrupted by Vince’s rambling. “I can’t believe this,” he marveled. “I can’t believe you.”
“Oh, me neither, trust me. I have absolutely no idea where that came from,” Angela said, still surprised by herself.
“Well, find out. I could use some more pep talks like that. So, when should we do it? Where?” Vince asked before any second thoughts found their way into his head.
“At church, no? I’m sure the pastor can squeeze in a fifteen-minute ceremony,” Angela said as she played with the sleeve of Vince’s sweater. “Maybe sometime this week, maybe Saturday if he can fit us in. I vote as soon as possible.”
“I think there’s a waiting period for licenses.”
“We’d just need a judge to waive it. We know all of them. Shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Witnesses?”
“We’ll grab two people from the strip mall down the street from church if we have to. I’ll look into whether we need any,” Angela said. “And if you want Charlie to be there, he can, but if you don’t want to tell him, then maybe Jenna wouldn’t mind taking him if we said we wanted to go see a matinee movie or something.”
“You’re already scheming,” Vince said with a chuckle. “But it all sounds good to me. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Angela lay her cheek against Vince’s shoulder and took him in with one long breath. “I wish there were a way I could make you smile like this every day.”
“Listen to me,” Vince murmured, releasing her hand so he could palm her cheek and nudge her up to face him. “I’m happy every day. Yes, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m scared, I’m…bored, I’m tired, I’m sick…but every single day gives me a…a reason to be so glad that I have time. Even if it’s something silly, like you burning dinner or Charlie insisting I show him how to tie his shoes again and again even though he knows how…something always makes my day. I promise.”
“Okay,” Angela said, satisfied for
now. She sighed. “So, are we telling anyone?”
“Well, Harry already knows about us, so you could at least tell him if you wanted to…”
“Yeah, I suppose I could. By the way, when’s the last time you two talked?”
“He calls me during the day a few times a week to check in,” Vince said with a pleasantly distant smile.
“What about everyone else?” she asked.
“Phone call once in a while…that’s about it. But they are busy, like you said. And it’s depressing. I understand not wanting to be around me.”
“Don’t say that. Only being able to come over once a week, or only with someone else to hold your hand, that’s one thing, but it’s been—”
“Angela, really, it’s okay. You know I don’t like being the center of attention anyway.”
“This isn’t about being the center of attention. It’s about your friends living up to their titles.”
“Can we…not talk about that right now? Please? Besides, normally you stand up for them,” Vince said lightly. “I don’t want you to get worked up about it and that’s where we’re headed. Let’s move on.”
Angela sighed. “Okay, okay…what about Charlie? What would this mean to him?”
“That one I’ll need to sit on,” Vince said. “I need to think about it.”
“Perfectly fine. I do know one thing, though,” Angela said resolutely, “and that’s that I don’t want to do anything that’ll take him away from Jenna. And I’m not thinking of him in terms of property, just hear me out. She’s his flesh and blood. She’s been close to him ever since he was born. And he’s so obviously crazy about her no matter whether she acts funny toward us, which is the way it should be. And she’d do anything in the world for him. I don’t know her very well but I can guarantee you she’s never seen him as a burden. Never. She worships the ground he walks on. Of course I want to be with him as much as I can, but…I think, anyway, that it makes the most sense for him to end up living with her, no matter how close he and I get.”
“What makes you say that?”
Angela took a deep breath. “Vince, he already knows where he’ll be living. You’ve talked to him about it. He seems as happy about it as he can be, considering what has to happen for him to get to live with her. You know what I mean. Anyway, he’s used to staying with her and he’s used to her as an authority figure. On top of that, most importantly, he adores her. Whatever he ends up calling me, I think he needs her far more, and I’m completely okay with that. I don’t feel hurt or rejected.”
“No?”
“No, not at all. Are you kidding? I feel so blessed to have what I do have with him. I can’t see myself taking him away from someone he knows and loves so deeply. I just can’t. So…if you think that him calling me ‘mom’ is going to lead him to believe that things are going to be different, then…maybe we should talk to him about continuing to call me Angela. But if you think it won’t really change his view on things, then maybe it’ll be fine. That’s your call, though, one hundred percent. I don’t know how he’d react.”
“Neither do I,” Vince admitted.
“Then let’s…sit on that one for a bit like you said. Wow, this is a lot for a relationship that’s only a month old.”
“Yeah, but you were coming over for a while before that, and it’s not like you and I were strangers before that started.”
“I know. I’m not complaining, just…observing, I guess. What about Mitch and Jenna?”
“Mitch is probably our biggest cheerleader,” Vince replied. “I can’t imagine hiding it from him. Or Frankie. And I don’t honestly know what’s on Jenna’s mind lately, but I think that she needs to know either way.”
“Agreed.”
“What about your parents?” Vince asked.
“I’ll tell them afterward,” Angela said decisively.
“You don’t think they’d want to be there?”
“They’re on some Caribbean cruise through the rest of March.”
“You don’t think they’d fly back at their next port of call for their daughter’s wedding?”
“Of course they would, I know they would. But they don’t need to. This wedding is about us. I’m pretty sure my dad would not want to give me away to a man he’s never met, anyway.”
“Maybe you should talk to him about it personally. Sorry,” Vince said immediately. “This isn’t my place.”
“No, it is. It’s part of getting married, no? Getting in each other’s business? Is it wimpy of me not to have told him about you myself?”
Vince sighed and gave Angela an unhelpful look. “I don’t know. Dads worry about their daughters. Maybe you thought you were sparing him.”
“Or maybe I don’t want to have to keep explaining myself, which is the same reason I haven’t told Marshall or Sophie yet.”
Vince had nothing to add to that. So he just smiled, letting the grin stay there until it made him laugh. “We’re getting married.”
Angela’s smile was ecstatic, stretching wide across her face. “We are.”
“Hang on one second.” Vince left Angela, surfed through the junk drawer in the kitchen, and came back with something hiding in his fist. “Since we’re getting married, it’s only fair that you have a key.”
Angela tried not to snort. “Vince, I’ve had a copy of your key for, like…three years. Very sweet, though.”
He frowned. “When did I give you a key?”
“I think you took Charlie and Jenna on vacation once and asked if I’d get your mail and water your plants or something.”
“Ah, I remember. You killed them. Every last one.”
“I didn’t kill them, they were just too needy.”
—
With Vince in bed for an hour now, Angela was curled up with her mug of tea and a blanket on the couch. For whatever reason, she hadn’t felt like going home just yet, so she just relaxed.
“Angela?”
Her head popped up and she closed the laptop that shone in her face so she could see down the dark hallway to Charlie, whose little voice had squeaked her name. “Sweetie, what’re you doing up?”
Charlie took this as an invitation into the living room and up onto the couch with Angela. “I can’t sleep,” he said.
Sensing Charlie couldn’t sleep for a good reason, Angela set her computer down and opened up her blanket. “What’s the matter?” she asked with a kiss on his crown.
“I had a bad dream,” he said with a pout.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Wanna tell me about it?”
“It had monsters,” Charlie explained briefly.
Angela gave in to the urge to pull Charlie into her lap and fully surround him with her arms. “You know there’s no such thing as monsters, right?”
“I know,” Charlie said to Angela’s relief. His resilience was remarkable to her.
“Did you try to go back to sleep?” she asked as she sat back and buried them both safely in the blanket.
Charlie nodded and scrunched Angela’s shirt between his fingers.
“Is there something else that’s bothering you, honey?”
He waited several beats to answer. “My friend made fun of me today.”
His words were crushing, seeing as how he’d seemed fine that evening. That meant he’d been hiding something from her and Vince, either wanting to show he was independent or not wanting to get his friend in trouble, or maybe simply not wanting to upset his dad.
“I’m sorry to hear that, Charlie. That’s not very nice. What did your friend say?”
“He said Daddy looks gross and that I’m not gonna have a mommy or a daddy when he dies.”
“Well…that doesn’t sound like something a good friend would say.” All Angela could picture was Charlie standing out on the school playground while someone he had once trusted now taunted him for things he couldn’t help, things that certainly didn’t need pointing out. “Did you tell your friend he hurt your feelings?”
“I told him he was wrong
and he said it’s true. But it’s not. Daddy doesn’t look gross, he just looks different. He looks cool.”
“You’re right. Your daddy’s very cool. He’s a very handsome man. And you might not have a mommy and daddy anymore once your daddy goes to heaven, but a lot of kids don’t have a mommy or don’t have a daddy, and some have neither. And you know what? They’re okay. As long as you have someone who loves you, you’ll be just fine. Do you know who loves you besides your daddy?”
“Auntie Jen?”
“Uh-huh…And?”
“Uhh…Uncle Mitch?”
“You bet. Who else? Someone right in this very room,” Angela said.
Charlie gasped in realization. “You! I forgot.”
Angela laughed. “Well, I guess I’m not doing a very good job of reminding you. Your aunt and your uncle and I…you’ll always have us, okay? Remember that.”
“Okay.”
“Which friend was this? Do you want me or your dad to let your teacher know what’s going on so she can tell your friend to stop picking on you?” she asked.
“Nuh-uh. I don’t want him to get in trouble.”
Loyal to a fault, just like his father, Angela thought. “I don’t like that, but he is your friend, so I’ll leave it up to you for now. But if this happens again, can you do me a favor and promise me you’ll let me know?”
Charlie nodded. “Can I have some of your hot chocolate?”
“It’s not hot chocolate, sweetie, it’s tea. Still wanna try some?”
“Yuck.”
“Thought so,” Angela said, giggling, “but you need to get back in bed, okay? It’s really really late and you need to be up for school in a few hours. You don’t want to be tired all day.”
“Can you tuck me in again?”
“Of course I can.” She waited for Charlie to get situated again in bed before she crouched down and planted a kiss on his forehead. “I love you. Don’t forget this time.”
Charlie grinned. “Okay. I love you, too.”
