by Aristophanes
I did not recoil in horror at the sight of such a monster, but fought him relentlessly to win your deliverance and that of the Islanders. Such are the services which should be graven in your recollection and entitle me to your thanks. Yet I have not been seen frequenting the wrestling school intoxicated with success and trying to tamper with young boys; but I took all my theatrical gear and returned straight home. I pained folk but little and caused them much amusement; my conscience rebuked me for nothing. Hence both grown men and youths should be on my side and I likewise invite the bald to give me their votes; for, if I triumph, everyone will say, both at table and at festivals, “Carry this to the bald man, give these cakes to the bald one, do not grudge the poet whose talent shines as bright as his own bare skull the share he deserves.”
Oh, Muse! drive the War far from our city and come to preside over our dances, if you love me; come and celebrate the nuptials of the gods, the banquets of us mortals and the festivals of the fortunate; these are the themes that inspire thy most poetic songs. And should Carcinus come to beg thee for admission with his sons to thy chorus, refuse all traffic with them; remember they are but gelded birds, stork-necked dancers, mannikins about as tall as a pat of goat’s dung, in fact machine-made poets. Contrary to all expectation, the father has at last managed to finish a piece, but he owns himself a cat strangled it one fine evening.
Such are the songs with which the Muse with the glorious hair inspires the able poet and which enchant the assembled populace, when the spring swallow twitters beneath the foliage; but the god spare us from the chorus of Morsimus and that of Melanthius! Oh! what a bitter discordancy grated upon my ears that day when the tragic chorus was directed by this same Melanthius and his brother, these two Gorgons, these two harpies, the plague of the seas, whose gluttonous bellies devour the entire race of fishes, these followers of old women, these goats with their stinking arm-pits. Oh! Muse, spit upon them abundantly and keep the feast gaily with me.
TRYGAEUS. Ah! ’tis a rough job getting to the gods! my legs are as good as broken through it. How small you were, to be sure, when seen from heaven! you had all the appearance too of being great rascals; but seen close, you look even worse.
SERVANT. Is that you, master?
TRYGAEUS. So I have been told.
SERVANT. What has happened to you?
TRYGAEUS. My legs pain me; it is such a plaguey long journey.
SERVANT. Oh! do tell me….
TRYGAEUS. What?
SERVANT. Did you see any other man besides yourself strolling about in heaven?
TRYGAEUS. No, only the souls of two or three dithyrambic poets.
SERVANT. What were they doing up there?
TRYGAEUS. They were seeking to catch some lyric exordia as they flew by immersed in the billows of the air.
SERVANT. Is it true, what they tell us, that men are turned into stars after death?
TRYGAEUS. Quite true.
SERVANT. Then who is that star I see over yonder?
TRYGAEUS. That is Ion of Chios, the author of an ode beginning
“Morning”; as soon as ever he got to heaven, they called him “the Morning
Star.”
SERVANT. And those stars like sparks, that plough up the air as they dart across the sky?
TRYGAEUS. They are the rich leaving the feast with a lantern and a light inside it. But hurry up, show this young girl into my house, clean out the bath, heat some water and prepare the nuptial couch for herself and me. When ’tis done, come back here; meanwhile I am off to present this one to the Senate.
SERVANT. But where then did you get these pretty chattels?
TRYGAEUS. Where? why in heaven.
SERVANT. I would not give more than an obolus for gods who have got to keeping brothels like us mere mortals.
TRYGAEUS. They are not all so, but there are some up there too who live by this trade.
SERVANT. Come, that’s rich! But I bethink me, shall I give her something to eat?
TRYGAEUS. No, for she would neither touch bread nor cake; she is used to licking ambrosia at the table of the gods.
SERVANT. Well, we can give her something to lick down here too.
CHORUS. Here is a truly happy old man, as far as I can judge.
TRYGAEUS. Ah! but what shall I be, when you see me presently dressed for the wedding?
CHORUS. Made young again by love and scented with perfumes, your lot will be one we all shall envy.
TRYGAEUS. And when I lie beside her and caress her bosoms?
CHORUS. Oh! then you will be happier than those spinning-tops who call
Carcinus their father.
TRYGAEUS. And I well deserve it; have I not bestridden a beetle to save the Greeks, who now, thanks to me, can make love at their ease and sleep peacefully on their farms?
SERVANT. The girl has quitted the bath; she is charming from head to foot, both belly and buttocks; the cake is baked and they are kneading the sesame-biscuit; nothing is lacking but the bridegroom’s penis.
TRYGAEUS. Let us first hasten to lodge Theoria in the hands of the
Senate.
SERVANT. But tell me, who is this woman?
TRYGAEUS. Why, ’tis Theoria, with whom we used formerly to go to Brauron, to get tipsy and frolic. I had the greatest trouble to get hold of her.
SERVANT. Ah! you charmer! what pleasure your pretty bottom will afford me every four years!
TRYGAEUS. Let us see, who of you is steady enough to be trusted by the Senate with the care of this charming wench? Hi! you, friend! what are you drawing there?
SERVANT. I am drawing the plan of the tent I wish to erect for myself on the isthmus.
TRYGAEUS. Come, who wishes to take the charge of her? No one? Come, Theoria, I am going to lead you into the midst of the spectators and confide you to their care.
SERVANT. Ah! there is one who makes a sign to you.
TRYGAEUS. Who is it?
SERVANT. ’Tis Ariphrades. He wishes to take her home at once.
TRYGAEUS. No, I’m sure he shan’t. He would soon have her done for, licking up all her life juice. Come, Theoria, put down all this gear. — Senate, Prytanes, look upon Theoria and see what precious blessings I place in your hands. Hasten to raise its limbs and to immolate the victim. Admire the fine chimney, it is quite black with smoke, for ’twas here that the Senate did their cooking before the War. Now that you have found Theoria again, you can start the most charming games from to-morrow, wrestling with her on the ground, either on your hands and feet, or you can lay her on her side, or stand before her with bent knees, or, well rubbed with oil, you can boldly enter the lists, as in the Pancratium, belabouring your foe with blows from your fist or otherwise. The next day you will celebrate equestrian games, in which the riders will ride side by side, or else the chariot teams, thrown one on top of another, panting and whinnying, will roll and knock against each other on the ground, while other rivals, thrown out of their seats, will fall before reaching the goal, utterly exhausted by their efforts. — Come, Prytanes, take Theoria. Oh! look how graciously yonder fellow has received her; you would not have been in such a hurry to introduce her to the Senate, if nothing were coming to you through it; you would not have failed to plead some holiday as an excuse.
CHORUS. Such a man as you assures the happiness of all his fellow-citizens.
TRYGAEUS. When you are gathering your vintages you will prize me even better.
CHORUS. E’en from to-day we hail you as the deliverer of mankind.
TRYGAEUS. Wait until you have drunk a beaker of new wine, before you appraise my true merits.
CHORUS. Excepting the gods, there is none greater than yourself, and that will ever be our opinion.
TRYGAEUS. Yea, Trygaeus of Athmonia has deserved well of you, he has freed both husbandman and craftsman from the most cruel ills; he has vanquished Hyperbolus.
CHORUS. Well then, what must we do now?
TRYGAEUS. You must offer pots of green-stuff to the goddess to consecrate h
er altars.
CHORUS. Pots of green-stuff as we do to poor Hermes — and even he thinks the fare but mean?
TRYGAEUS. What will you offer then? A fatted bull?
CHORUS. Oh, no! I don’t want to start bellowing the battle-cry.
TRYGAEUS. A great fat swine then?
CHORUS. No, no.
TRYGAEUS. Why not?
CHORUS. We don’t want any of the swinishness of Theagenes.
TRYGAEUS. What other victim do you prefer then?
CHORUS. A sheep.
TRYGAEUS. A sheep?
CHORUS. Yes.
TRYGAEUS. But you must give the word the Ionic form.
CHORUS. Purposely. So that if anyone in the assembly says, “We must go to war,” all may start bleating in alarm, “Oï, oï.”
TRYGAEUS. A brilliant idea.
CHORUS. And we shall all be lambs one toward the other, yea, and milder still toward the allies.
TRYGAEUS. Then go for the sheep and haste to bring it back with you; I will prepare the altar for the sacrifice.
CHORUS. How everything succeeds to our wish, when the gods are willing and Fortune favours us! how opportunely everything falls out.
TRYGAEUS. Nothing could be truer, for look! here stands the altar all ready at my door.
CHORUS. Hurry, hurry, for the winds are fickle; make haste, while the divine will is set on stopping this cruel war and is showering on us the most striking benefits.
TRYGAEUS. Here is the basket of barley-seed mingled with salt, the chaplet and the sacred knife; and there is the fire; so we are only waiting for the sheep.
CHORUS. Hasten, hasten, for, if Chaeris sees you, he will come without bidding, he and his flute; and when you see him puffing and panting and out of breath, you will have to give him something.
TRYGAEUS. Come, seize the basket and take the lustral water and hurry to circle round the altar to the right.
SERVANT. There! ’tis done. What is your next bidding?
TRYGAEUS. Hold! I take this fire-brand first and plunge it into the water.
SERVANT. Be quick! be quick! Sprinkle the altar.
TRYGAEUS. Give me some barley-seed, purify yourself and hand me the basin; then scatter the rest of the barley among the audience.
SERVANT. ’Tis done.
TRYGAEUS. You have thrown it?
SERVANT. Yes, by Hermes! and all the spectators have had their share.
TRYGAEUS. But not the women?
SERVANT. Oh! their husbands will give it them this evening.
TRYGAEUS. Let us pray! Who is here? Are there any good men?
SERVANT. Come, give, so that I may sprinkle these. Faith! they are indeed good, brave men.
TRYGAEUS. You believe so?
SERVANT. I am sure, and the proof of it is that we have flooded them with lustral water and they have not budged an inch.
TRYGAEUS. Come then, to prayers; to prayers, quick! — Oh! Peace, mighty queen, venerated goddess, thou, who presidest over choruses and at nuptials, deign to accept the sacrifices we offer thee.
SERVANT. Receive it, greatly honoured mistress, and behave not like the coquettes, who half open the door to entice the gallants, draw back when they are stared at, to return once more if a man passes on. But do not act like this to us.
TRYGAEUS. No, but like an honest woman, show thyself to thy worshippers, who are worn with regretting thee all these thirteen years. Hush the noise of battle, be a true Lysimacha to us. Put an end to this tittle-tattle, to this idle babble, that set us defying one another. Cause the Greeks once more to taste the pleasant beverage of friendship and temper all hearts with the gentle feeling of forgiveness. Make excellent commodities flow to our markets, fine heads of garlic, early cucumbers, apples, pomegranates and nice little cloaks for the slaves; make them bring geese, ducks, pigeons and larks from Boeotia and baskets of eels from Lake Copaïs; we shall all rush to buy them, disputing their possession with Morychus, Teleas, Glaucetes and every other glutton. Melanthius will arrive on the market last of all; ‘twill be, “no more eels, all sold!” and then he’ll start a-groaning and exclaiming as in his monologue of Medea, “I am dying, I am dying! Alas! I have let those hidden in the beet escape me!” And won’t we laugh? These are the wishes, mighty goddess, which we pray thee to grant.
SERVANT. Take the knife and slaughter the sheep like a finished cook.
TRYGAEUS. No, the goddess does not wish it.
SERVANT. And why not?
TRYGAEUS. Blood cannot please Peace, so let us spill none upon her altar. Therefore go and sacrifice the sheep in the house, cut off the legs and bring them here; thus the carcase will be saved for the choragus.
CHORUS. You, who remain here, get chopped wood and everything needed for the sacrifice ready.
TRYGAEUS. Don’t I look like a diviner preparing his mystic fire?
CHORUS. Undoubtedly. Will anything that it behoves a wise man to know escape you? Don’t you know all that a man should know, who is distinguished for his wisdom and inventive daring?
TRYGAEUS. There! the wood catches. Its smoke blinds poor Stilbides.
I am now going to bring the table and thus be my own slave.
CHORUS. You have braved a thousand dangers to save your sacred town. All honour to you! your glory will be ever envied.
SERVANT. Hold! here are the legs, place them upon the altar. For myself,
I mean to go back to the entrails and the cakes.
TRYGAEUS. I’ll see to those; I want you here.
SERVANT. Well then, here I am. Do you think I have been long?
TRYGAEUS. Just get this roasted. Ah! who is this man, crowned with laurel, who is coming to me?
SERVANT. He has a self-important look; is he some diviner?
TRYGAEUS. No, i’ faith! ’tis Hierocles.
SERVANT. Ah! that oracle-monger from Oreus. What is he going to tell us?
TRYGAEUS. Evidently he is coming to oppose the peace.
SERVANT. No, ’tis the odour of the fat that attracts him.
TRYGAEUS. Let us appear not to see him.
SERVANT. Very well.
HIEROCLES. What sacrifice is this? to what god are you offering it?
TRYGAEUS (to the servant). Silence! — (Aloud.) Look after the roasting and keep your hands off the meat.
HIEROCLES. To whom are you sacrificing? Answer me. Ah! the tail is showing favourable omens.
SERVANT. Aye, very favourable, oh, loved and mighty Peace!
HIEROCLES. Come, cut off the first offering and make the oblation.
TRYGAEUS. ’Tis not roasted enough.
HIEROCLES. Yea, truly, ’tis done to a turn.
TRYGAEUS. Mind your own business, friend! (To the servant.) Cut away.
Where is the table? Bring the libations.
HIEROCLES. The tongue is cut separately.
TRYGAEUS. We know all that. But just listen to one piece of advice.
HIEROCLES. And that is?
TRYGAEUS. Don’t talk, for ’tis divine Peace to whom we are sacrificing.
HIEROCLES. Oh! wretched mortals, oh, you idiots!
TRYGAEUS. Keep such ugly terms for yourself.
HIEROCLES. What! you are so ignorant you don’t understand the will of the gods and you make a treaty, you, who are men, with apes, who are full of malice!
TRYGAEUS. Ha, ha, ha!
HIEROCLES. What are you laughing at?
TRYGAEUS. Ha, ha! your apes amuse me!
HIEROCLES. You simple pigeons, you trust yourselves to foxes, who are all craft, both in mind and heart.
TRYGAEUS. Oh, you trouble-maker! may your lungs get as hot as this meat!
HIEROCLES. Nay, nay! if only the Nymphs had not fooled Bacis, and Bacis mortal men; and if the Nymphs had not tricked Bacis a second time….
TRYGAEUS. May the plague seize you, if you won’t stop wearying us with your Bacis!
HIEROCLES. … it would not have been written in the book of Fate that the bonds of Peace must be broken; but first….
T
RYGAEUS. The meat must be dusted with salt.
HIEROCLES. … it does not please the blessed gods that we should stop the War until the wolf uniteth with the sheep.
TRYGAEUS. How, you cursed animal, could the wolf ever unite with the sheep?
HIEROCLES. As long as the wood-bug gives off a fetid odour, when it flies; as long as the noisy bitch is forced by nature to litter blind pups, so long shall peace be forbidden.
TRYGAEUS. Then what should be done? Not to stop the War would be to leave it to the decision of chance which of the two people should suffer the most, whereas by uniting under a treaty, we share the empire of Greece.
HIEROCLES. You will never make the crab walk straight.
TRYGAEUS. You shall no longer be fed at the Prytaneum; the war done, oracles are not wanted.
HIEROCLES. You will never smooth the rough spikes of the hedgehog.
TRYGAEUS. Will you never stop fooling the Athenians?
