But what all the kids were waiting for was the traditional champagne snowball dance. Now, the regular snowball dance, that was no big deal. When the emcee said snowball, you switched partners. Very sedate. But add the champagne to it. Yikes. That meant kissing your partner goodbye. A very, very, very big thing for 13 year olds. In the scheme of things it didn=t count for anything, because it was part of the game. But Lloyd had never kissed a girl until these things came along. In retrospect it seems like it should have been an even bigger deal than it was. No one considered a champagne snowball kiss a real kiss, or their first kiss. But a kiss is a kiss.
One time all the cool kids somehow ended up at Lloyd=s house and were playing spin the bottle and truth or dare in his back yard. How they all ended up there remains lost to the history books, but all Lloyd remembers is that the bottle somehow never ended up on him. It would get close and every girl who spun it would come up with some excuse of why it wasn=t pointed at him.
But in truth or dare, he was dared to go into his shed with Michelle Fishman, an attractive young lady that Lloyd currently had a crush on. There were about 9 that he currently had a crush on, so the odds were with him as it were.
His excitement level peaked as he anticipated what was about to ensue behind the closed doors of his moldy woodshed.
This is it! Finally going to make out! She has to do it, I mean there is no way around it. This is going to rule. I hope my breathe is ok. God I had onions for lunch, oh man that is going to gross her out and she is going to mock me. And what if I kiss funny, oh god, what if my lips are all chappy and dry and she starts laughing?This is going to be horrible. I am going to be mocked forever, Jesus Christ I don=t want to go in that shed. This is going to ruin me. All my life I want to kiss a girl and here it is and I am going to blow it. This is hell.
They went in the shed and he immediately closed his eyes and pursed his lips for what seemed like an eternity. Finally Michelle asked him just what the hell he was doing. He stammered, AUh, nothing,@ and they stumbled out of the shed to uproarious laughter from the others. Lloyd didn=t get what they were laughing at, but he went along with it and gave a thumbs up. They laughed even harder.
Anyhow, back at the bar mitzphah it was time for Lloyd to choose the lucky girl to dance with him in the champagne snowball. All the girls crowded around in a circle. There was Jill Cohen, his best girl friend since 1st grade, he was still good friends with her. And Karen, his confidant and female companion. There was NaSheen, his supposed girl friend. And Laurie, the girl of his dreams. There was a look of anticipation on their faces, as it was an honor to be chosen first, even if it was just Lloyd Kulligan, a mildly athletic, mildly asthmatic, non threatening, nondescript beanpole of a fellow.
Oh man, who to pick, I should pick Karen, she deserves it, she really understands me. Or Jill, I have known her so long. Laurie, oh man, I don=t have the balls to ask her, look how hot she looks in that dress. I can=t do it. I just can=t. I am going to ask Karen, that is the right choice.
Cathy will you dance with me?
What the fuck did you just do? Cathy Melraz?, you barely know her, and she has always shown disdain for you. You are an idiot, nice job Slick.
She didn=t kiss him when the emcee yelled AChampagne!@
He spent another part of his own bar mitzphah crying in the bathroom, after which he stumbled into Laurie making out with his friend Jeff Nieber in the coatroom.
Nieber was kind of a loose cannon and that is what drew Lloyd to him. He didn=t care what other people thought about him and he strolled through life with a reckless abandon that was the complete opposite of Lloyd. All Lloyd cared about was what people thought of him, his look, his walk, his face, his hair, his nostrils, his ear shape, very important stuff.
Nieber wore sweat pants and tees all the time and had disheveled hair and told girls they were ugly. And they loved him for it, apparently. It would take another 20 years before Lloyd figured out that confidence wins out overall no matter the package it comes in. Though even then he was never confident and comfortable enough to try it out himself.
One day in the hall at school Nieber dragged Lloyd over to gaze at Sandy Kriss and her hot legs. He and Lloyd sauntered over to her and Nieber subtly kept nodding down. Sandy was wearing a skirt, showing a lot of eighth grade leg, the thought of which normally would send Lloyd fleeing to his hand lotion. But he couldn=t do that at school. Could he?
I could go into the bathroom stall, who would know? I could be grunting from a big shit, what do they know? Note to self. Consider it.
Anyhow, Lloyd couldn=t figure out what Jeff was up to until he glanced down. Nieber had affixed a dentist=s mirror to his shoes and had put his foot directly under the unsuspecting young lady=s pantaloons. He angled his foot so that he could see just a hint of the pink smurf panties that Miss Kriss was wearing. He smirked and winked at Lloyd and strolled down the hall to Miss Stewart, the insanely hot art teacher who was currently clad in an inappropriately sexy red miniskirt. He got away with it.
Back to the champagne snowball, Lloyd continued his slow dance to nowhere with Cathy and caught a glimpse of Karen, who looked disappointed. It would not be the last time he disappointed a woman.
He had invited most of his schoolmates to the big shindig. One glaring omission was Marty Fiffton. Fiffton made Lloyd=s life a living hell whenever he was around. His sole purpose and satisfaction in life seemed to be tormenting Lloyd . He was his personal punching bag. Every day Lloyd would search the halls for him and deeply inhale with relief when he didn=t see him. Inevitably he would turn a corner right into Fiffton=s fist.
He never retaliated. Ever. It wasn=t like in the movies where the bullying victim garners the courage to fight back, and all the kids watching start clapping rhythmically in appreciation and respect.
In retrospect the bullying was minor, and if you asked Fiffton today, he wouldn=t even remember it, not like those after school specials where the grown man tearfully goes to the door of his victim and begs forgiveness. That aint going to happen.
There would be days when Lloyd would wake up and really just feel like shit and be groggy and be in no mood for school. Indubitably, Fiffton somehow possessed a sixth sense in which he would somehow seize on Lloyd=s gloom and ramp up the punching and bullying. It was amazing to Lloyd how he did it. He wondered if he gave off some minute aroma that triggered the bullying reaction in Fiffton. He figured that would serve Fiffton well when he inevitably served his time in prison. It is also a hallmark of the afte- school special for the hero to rise to the occasion and confidently confront the bully and put an end to the terror for once and for all. Usually that involved punching the person back and beating them at their own game, for you know, all bullies are just wimps inside. Like his neighbor, Mitnick.
So one day, Lloyd mustered up the courage to confront Fiffton, not with his fists but with his words.
I will tell him how his bullying makes me feel scared to come to school and that could he please take pity on me and leave me alone. I am appealing to your sense of fairness, man. You are such a cool dude, why focus your energies on negative traits instead of positive ones.
I think he will really think that is cool of me, to be thinking of him in those terms. I don=t know, maybe we would turn into friends, and one day he will thank me for telling him that.
Thanks, Lloyd, that means a lot to me, my parents neglect me and while I am not physically abused by my father, he does abuse me emotionally, Lloyd, that is why I lash out at you. I...I...will stop, oh god, Daddy! Daddy why do you yell? I will eat all of my Cocoa puffs, I promise! I know you don=t print your own money. I am not ugly, daddy. I am not ugly...I HATE YOU....
The next day he mustered up all the courage he could and went up to Marty.
AMarty, your bullying makes me feel too scared to come to school and could you please take pity on me and leave me alone. I am appealing to your sense of fairness. You are such a cool dude man, why focus your energies on negative tra
its instead of positive ones and...@
Marty punched him in the ear. He had never done that before. Later on that day he would piss on Danny Tremski in the gym showers. So at least Lloyd had some company. Towards the end of the school year, it was time to start making the mental transition to high school. No more grammar school. No more nerdiness. No more Fiffton!
On the last day of school, the kids received an envelope with their home room assignments for the next four years of high school. The room they would report to at the beginning of each day. It was a huge high school, 500 incoming freshman in at least 20 different home rooms. Lloyd thought to himself, finally, finally I will be rid of him.
Lloyd opened his envelope. Room 204. Unbelievably, Karen got the same one. After three years together in junior high, they would be together again in high school. He was really excited.
Fiffton opened his envelope. Room 204.
Lloyd buried his head in his hands and silently whimpered.
Slow to Grow Page 7
