The sexual highlight of his year came in the immediate aftermath of The Kansas Jayhawks National Championship run in basketball. It was from out of nowhere and the campus was out of control After they won, everyone poured into the streets for the exultant mayhem. People were streaming along the streets high-fiving each other and hugging strangers. At one point a girl grabbed Lloyd and kissed him for the longest kiss he had ever received. He was on cloud nine. He didn=t even know what she looked like, she could have weighed 400 pounds and looked like Jerry Lewis. He didn=t care, it was one of the best nights of his life. How pathetic.
At least in his mind, it was somewhat of an earned kiss. One night Mark, Mike, and Lloyd ventured out to a scummy strip club on the outskirts of Kansas City, KS. Kansas City, Kansas was a shithole, the Anice@ Kansas City was in Missouri.
The strip club was full of the usual skanky strippers, though Lloyd had never actually been to one before, but he knew skank when he saw it. At one point, a stripper positioned herself between Mark and Lloyd and kept moving back and forth, letting them both rub their hands all over her. It was the first boob he ever touched and they did feel like silly putty. Sweaty silly putty. But it still didn=t count to Lloyd, he had to earn it. Another one shoved his hand down her pants, and this being the 80's, she still had some pubic hair. It was rather exhilarating. In the heat of the moment, when no one was looking, Lloyd put his hand to his face and smelled it, wholly expecting a fish smell. It smelled like a 9 volt battery. He knew something wasn=t right there. ]
As one point a stripper grabbed a real sad sack looking guy, and kissed him for a long time. When done, the hick replied, AI done never been kissed like that before.@ The three of them broke up into hysterics and would repeat the line for years after. But the sad truth was that, neither had Lloyd, unless the unknown girl celebrating the national championship counted. Which sadly it did.
Mark and Lloyd had decided to live together for Junior year. Unfortunately for them they had waited too long and ended up leasing a shitty apartment way off campus. And Mark was still dating Lana. Lloyd did not look forward to that. She was very clingy to Mark and considered his friendship with Lloyd a threat to her, in that he seemed to have more fun without her. Which he did. She was a needy pain in the ass. She also told Mark that Lloyd smelled like an eraser, which Mark kept to himself for almost a whole 3 hours before he told Lloyd. Should be a fun year, thought Lloyd.
His sophomore year over he headed home for the summer. He was anxious to see what everyone thought of his earring and newly grown long hair in the back. It was a classic mullet, but they didn=t have that term back then. He was slightly worried what his Bubbe would think about his new look, what with her being his grandmother and old fashioned and such. He was apprehensive as he saw her and nervously asked her what she thought about his earring.
AAh, all the boys wear earrings now,@ she said, Abut oy, what is with your pants they are all ripped.@ Ha. His jeans had torn holes in the knees and that is what most fazed her. He loved his Bubbe very much. His aunt was in the living room and seemed to be acting sort of funny. She finally called Lloyd into the kitchen and said she wanted to have a heart to heart talk with him. He had no clue what it could be about. His Aunt could be a bit odd and had some weird theories about the world. Like it was going to end soon. And stuff like that. Even worse she was a Libertarian.
She started talking about how much she loved him, and would love him no matter what. He was really getting perplexed. He had no idea where she was going with her conversation.. His dad and Bubbe were in the other room talking about the Cubs. Bubbe was a huge fan, she loved Jack Brickhouse and mostly tolerated Harry Caray. She thought his glasses made him look like a white owl. Anyhow his Aunt finally got to the point.
ALloyd, if you are a homosexual I will still love you, I just want you to know that.@
Lloyd stared at her with anger and pain in his eyes.
AIt=s ok,@ she said. AThis is the 80's.@
Gay? She thinks I am gay? How the hell can my own Aunt think I am gay? All I do is jack off to lesbians, I hate seeing cocks. Gay? She thinks I am fucking gay?
AAuntie, I=m not gay,@ he said, and tears were forming in his eyes. It was possibly the most hurtful thing anyone had ever said to him. It was so callous. She didn=t know him at all. If he were gay he would be proud of it, he was raised by extremely liberal parents and he knew it wouldn=t be an issue, but he wasn=t, and here was his own Aunt insinuating that he was.
AYou have never had a girlfriend, I never hear about you and girls, I just assumed you are. You can talk to me,@ she said in what she thought was a soothing voice.
I just lost a roommate because I was fucking his sheepskin rug while imagining it was Cindy Crawford. All I do is try to stare down the shirts of the girls as they pass me in the dorm. ELLE. My ELLE blanket. Jesus Christ.
He really was devastated and he stormed out of the kitchen and told his dad that they had to leave now. And they did. He told his dad in the car, while crying. It was hurtful that his Aunt would just assume he was gay. She lived in California, she didn=t know him at all. All the porn mags his mom found under his mattress, his countless hours trying to watch scrambled porn. He didn=t even like seeing boners on screen. His dad told him how odd Auntie was and not to take it so personal. But the damage was done. His relationship with her was never the same.
The next day he was in the mall and saw a homely girl he had gone to school with, Janet Helmond. She came rushing up to him and gave him a big hug. She looked him up and down and declared with a straight face, AOh my god Lloyd you look great, your face cleared up!@
He hadn=t realized he had such a bad acne problem that someone would remember it.
AThanks, Janet, I see you are still homely, though, at least MY face changed.@ She called him an arrogant cockstain. He was proud. No one had ever called him arrogant before.
Mark was coming to visit over the summer, presumptively to visit Lana, who lived about 10 miles from Lloyd, but also to hang out with Lloyd and Mike.
Lloyd=s mom had heard him talk incessantly about Mark over the last two years and knew how much Lloyd like him. Maybe he was gay. Anyhow, she knew how they would joke about their respective religions and mocked god and stuff.. Mark was a fallen catholic, and Lloyd a never risen Jew.
When Mark first entered the house Merrill Kulligan was exceedingly pleasant and said how nice it was to finally meet Mark. She was being unusually friendly in Lloyd=s estimation and he was perplexed by it. She escorted Mark downstairs and opened up the door to the attic. She shoved Mark into the crawlspace saying AJesus is in there, he wants to say hello@, and held the door shut as he tried to escape. For 10 minutes. That was his introduction to Lloyd=s mom. She also mentioned how much he resembled Harry Hamlin. Lloyd had warned him about her, so Mark was ready for her. He presented the family with a menorah that had Jesus=s 8 apostles as the candle holders. He was welcomed in to the family.
Slow to Grow Page 16
