Chapter 16
All of a sudden they had been dating her for a year. He was still seeing her every other day and not sleeping in her bed. He did decide to try it once, but the four cats walking over him, and Stanley shoving himself into his neck (he had warmed up to Lloyd), made it impossible. For their one year anniversary, Becky booked a weekend trip for them in the hopes he would actually try and sleep in the same bed with her. Lloyd asked if the hotel had two twin beds and was disappointed to hear that they would have to sleep together. Literally. Despite her best efforts, hint hint, he still stared at the ceiling most of the night, annoyed by her barely perceptible breathing. He had issues.
His job at the radio station had lost what little was left of its luster, and he was totally sick of sports radio and its rabid semi-retarded fan base. A full-time producer job had opened up on one of the shows and he was the favorite to get it. He was competing with an intern for it, so he had the upper hand. But, of course, not trying hard enough he lost out, and the intern got the plum gig. The hosts of the show started to rip and make fun of Lloyd on air for his lack of effort, and being the passive aggressive doormat that he was, he laughed along with them while calling them cocksuckers behind their backs. He knew it was time to move on.
He liked writing. That he knew, and he was still trying to submit some of his Ahumorous@ short stories to literary magazines and the journals. He submitted the following story to a contest and won an all expense trip to the Poconos, pretty much a cheesy sex resort in middle Pennsylvania.. It was the first thing his writing had ever gotten him. And without it, he never would have had the chance to screw Becky in a luxurious, rotating heart shaped bed and heated semen invested pool.
Stereotype Olympics
Flip Nayderman: Welcome to the closing ceremonies of the Stereotype Olympics. I=m Flip Nayderman. It was a fantastic week of perpetuating negative stereotypes, and succeeded beyond anyone=s expectations. It surely cemented people=s ignorant assumptions about others into stone.
We want to thank our hosts here in Mexico City, the air was as stifling as promised and taxi cab robberies went up 6000% this week. More than $275,000 was stolen from tourists and 11 journalists were kidnaped, 4 of them murdered. So Muchas Gracias, Me-hee-co.
Now on to the festivities. Let me bring in my co host Chuck McGillicuddy.
Chuck McGillicuddy: Thanks, Flip, you forgot to mention the 39,000 new cases of Montezuma=s Revenge contracted by the visitors here, it was really quite the spectacle.
And here come the delegations from all of the Creeds, Nationalities, Races and Religions, and Sexual Orientations that participated. WHAT A SPECTACLE!
Leading off the festivities are the African American Contingent, They sure are a raucous bunch, Chuck! I can barely hear the crowd over their loud talking! And look at them shuffling through the intersection! What a proud display. Obviously, they swept the gold in all of the track and field events.
Chuck McGillicuddy: But they are not buoyant, that=s for sure, Flip, finishing last in all of the swimming events. Are they waving? Whoops my bad, those are gang signs. That float sure has a lot of bling on it! It is blinding!
Flip Nayderman: It sure is, it is reflecting off the windshield of the =78 Nova behind it, which can only mean that the Mexicans are here! I think they fit all 54 of them in the front seat.
Chuck McGillicuddy: I can=t see past all the decals, but I bet you are right. They are great at packing them in. Lets hope they don=t have an accident. Unfortunately, they did not medal in any events, unless you consider barbequing in public parks an Olympic sport, and unfortunately that is not yet sanctioned. Maybe next time, pandejos!
Flip Nayderman: I can=t tell who that is next, such a flimsy float, looks like it is all frills and no money was spent on it. Someone went to a lot of thrift shops to put that together. Ah haha, it=s the Jews, those clever bastards. And look, there is a penny rolling out in front of it, of course the punch line to the question, how do you start a Jew Parade. No wonder they secretly rule the world, Chuck.
Chuck McGillicuddy: And with the amount of Jew Lawyers monitoring all the events, there was no way they were going to be jewed out of anything. They did not medal, but the people they paid to race for them did, so a very successful two weeks for the Semites.
And in a poor case of scheduling, the Arabs are coming out right behind them, just like in Tel-Aviv, always the second-class citizens. Look at the decorative bombs they have strapped to their chests, very realistic. They won the gold in the 500 Meters scary protest narrowly defeating the anti-abortionists. And the Palestinian sect won the gold for Alarmist Journalism with their tract on the Jews feasting on the blood of Palestinian newborns for sustenance. It should be appearing in Arabian textbooks across the Middle East next year.
Oh, I see the giant Guiness bottle, Flip! it appears the Irish are stumbling their way into the fairgrounds.
Flip Nayderman: Yes, it is them, and it looks like they are picking a fight with the Mormons. Ha ha, those micks are so drunk they think the Mormons are Protestants. Settle down boys, settle down. Those pugilists sure are a happy group. When Irish Eyes are Smiling, indeed, with a lot of red in them, if I may say so.
Chuck McGillicuddy: Well, Flip they drink in such massive quantities to make up for their freakishly small genitalia. But there was no Irish curse this week! Speaking of small genitalia, hear come the Asians! They swept all the medals, gold, silver and bronze, in every mathematical category, though it was a shame that all the silver medal winners were berated so harshly by their parents.
Flip Nayderman: True, very true. Hizoru Mizozake, the gold winner in the Speed Calculus high hurdles committed suicide after setting the Olympic Record. He brought great shame upon his family for not setting the World Record. Our condolences go out to them.
Chuck McGillicuddy: The Asian float is moving rather slowly so I can=t quite make out who is coming next.
Flip Nayderman: Right, their turn signal must be jammed.
Chuck McGillicuddy: Ok, they are finally moving out of the way, and not a second to soon!
Flip Nayderman: HERE THEY COME! This is what everybody has been waiting for! The Homosexuals are making their customary flamboyant entrance, and they are as fabulous as ever. Shirtless in their Ralph Lauren short shorts, these fellas are impeccable in their body tone and fey arrogance. The float is to die for! A lot of peacocks had to die for this presentation, Chuck.
Chuck McGillicuddy: They certainly did their share of crying and throwing hissy fits during the action, even on the medal stand. Those sure are some finicky bastards.
And the Lesbian contingent being mistaken for the East German Mens Wrestling team offended more than a few.
Flip Nayderman: Plus, the homosexuals won the gold in the Coming of Age Play writing category, and the gold in the over-theatrical, melodramatic Karaoke 500, a bit of an upset over the Japanese. They also won the bronze in the Olympic Stadium Interior Decorating Slaloms. Just a remarkable presence all week long.
Flip Nayderman: Ugh, here come the Caucasians. Blech, look at them dancing. That is awful. Just awful
Chuck McGillicuddy: I am more than slightly offended that they get to be the last ones in. Typical entitlement. I think the SUV convoy is overdoing it. They may have swept the Olympic Comedy standup medals but they most certainly haven=t made any new friends.
Flip Nayderman: Though their familiarity with cherry bombs and bottle rockets are coming in handy for this final fireworks display. And the gun shooting too. What a glorious sight! They sure know their firearms.
Chuck McGillicuddy: And that brings an end to another wildly successful Stereotype Olympics. Spanning the Globe, no matter who you are, or what you are, it is good to know that there is someone else out there mocking you. See you in Birmingham, Alabama in four years, everybody! For Flip Nayderman, I am Chuck McGillicuddy, thanks for tuning in.
He had begun sending resumes out looking for some sort of writing gig, though
in the end, it was his daddy who hooked him up. Through his connections, Nathan Kulligan, who was now a respected and honored Judge, got him an interview for a government job. The fine state of Illinois was hiring producers and writers for a television show about the countless wonders of agriculture and its benefits on society. Since it was Chicago area, it wasn=t what you know, but who you know, so Lloyd got the job. He quit sports forever. Another sector of his brain wasted over the years.
The job paid more than he had ever made and was relatively easy. He would interview people, write scripts and work with a partner in editing the stories. It seemed like it would be a decent career path. And he liked it.
Slow to Grow Page 29
