Chapter 19
They arrived at the hospital and were ushered into the lab. The lab technician laid Becky down on a bed and applied the ultrasound wax to her belly, just as a formality. He stopped for a second, and his face looked stricken. He rushed out of the room, and they didn=t know what to think. Panic set in. Was everything alright? What was going on? Were they overreacting?
The tech came back in with a doctor they had never met, who stared at the ultrasound intensely. He took his glasses off and took Becky=s hand. He told them that there was no heartbeat. The crushing weight of the crashing apex of his existence toppled down upon him. Becky started hysterically sobbing, as did Lloyd. Their baby was dead.
Through the hysteria, the doctor mentioned that Becky would still have to give birth. What a horrible, horrible fate. To deliver a full-term stillborn child. Lloyd was still sobbing and for some reason he hadn=t considered that option in the first two minutes of his new existence. Becky was inconsolable. It was a living nightmare. How could this have happened? The doctors had no explanation. Becky, who was always hard on herself, immediately took the blame and starting screaming, AIt=s MY fault! Its my Fault, I killed our baby, I killed him!@
Lloyd didn=t know what to say or do. His wife was having a mental breakdown. He was saddened that he knew she meant it. From the first second of the diagnosis, he never blamed her and never would. Not even a small iota. Bad stuff happened to good people. That was why karma was a bunch of bullshit.
The doctor left them alone. Becky was beyond distraught, and Lloyd=s brain told him to console her. That is what a man does. But he was dead inside. His life wasn=t going to change at all, but it was going to totally change. He had known all along it was going to be different, but filling emptiness with more emptiness was not part of the bargain. What was once an exciting future was murky and full of despair.
She looked at him and through her tears she apologized. AI am sorry I killed your son, Lloyd.@
How does a loving and rational husband react to that? With tears.
They sat together in the room for what seemed like an eternity, but was only minutes. Lloyd got up to pace the halls and as he did he saw his parents. Their faces were joyful and hopeful, and they had a stuffed bear, giddy first time grandparents. It was fleeting. Lloyd collapsed to the ground crying that the baby was dead. Their glee turned to shock and gave way to disbelief and tears. Their loss was just as profound. They hugged their son and consoled him and they went to Becky and hugged her as she cried. In a silent moment she apologized to them too. AI am sorry I let you down and let your grandchild die.@ They had no answer to that. This was not a moment that would heal with time. The effects would last a lifetime.
As if the day was not horrible enough, the doctors said they needed to induce birth since it wouldn=t happen on its own. Did they want to do it now, or wait a few days? Wait a few days? Did Becky want to walk around with a dead child in her womb for a few days? Lloyd let her make the decision, though he wanted it over as quick as possible. So did she. The termination was scheduled for later in the afternoon.
Lloyd was shaking and knew he couldn=t handle seeing a dead child be birthed by his wife. He consulted with his parents and they told him he shouldn=t. He was still a little child and instead of acting like a man, he took the easy way out, choosing his own comfort over the needs of his wife. Becky said that was fine. But how could it feel to know that your husband was leaving you alone to go through this. It was a decision that would haunt him for the rest of his life. In years to come, when people would ask what his biggest regret, was, Lloyd would shrug, but he knew the answer. He would look back in shame that he chose his own comfort instead of being there for his traumatized wife.
Becky gave birth to a deceased baby boy all alone in a room. She cried as she held Jack Clayton Kulligan, and had no one to share it with. Lloyd would never see the face that resembled his own or his strawberry blonde hair and dimpled cheeks.
Afterwards, they spent the night together in the hospital, Becky in her bed, and Lloyd in the couch next to her. Lloyd loved her more than ever, even if his decision making skills left something to be desired. They fell asleep holding hands.
The next day the shock had worn off and sadness had swept in. They were to resume their life as before. All the preparations were for naught, they would still just be Lloyd and Becky. Neither found solace in their respective religions, and neither blamed God or the spirits for their fate. Becky just blamed herself. They asked the doctors how it happened, and they had no explanation. It just happens sometimes, they said. She had been to the doctor two days earlier and everything was fine. There was not, and never would be an answer for what transpired, therefore giving Becky ample reason to blame herself.
While still recovering in her hospital bed, she turned on the TV to watch the soap opera, Young and the Restless, her one vice. In what only could be called irony, the current program had a storyline of a woman who lost her baby in childbirth. Lloyd laughed incredulously and told her to turn it off. Becky said she wanted to watch it. The woman cried on screen about her loss as the doctors consoled her.
What the fuck. ATURN IT OFF, BECKY!@, he bellowed. AIt=s just a soap opera,@ she said, Anot real life.@ There was some weird logic to that so he just let it be.
Becky was discharged from the hospital and they headed to their empty home and their worthless crib and other baby stuff haunting it. I guess his Bubbe was right, they must have jinxed it.
They got off the elevator and Lloyd started crying profusely. The walk to the end of the hall to their apartment was the walk of shame. It was the funhouse mirror vision of about ten years prior, when the girl from Holland escorted him down the hallway for his eventual first glimpse of boob. The hallway was long and as Lloyd walked it, it was like a gold plated road leading straight to heaven. This was the exact opposite. The road now was full of fire and led straight to hell.
Slow to Grow Page 32
