by Sarah Piper
“Oh, I’m sure he did.” I couldn’t keep the sarcasm from my voice. “And the terms of this clandestine deal of the century?”
“For a small price, he agreed to grant me the opportunity to assess your magic, train you to the fullest extent that time allowed, and ultimately present this choice to you as I was meant to. If you accepted the honor, you would continue on in my stead, and I would be free to live out a mortal life, just as I’d planned.”
Wow. So that’s what all this had been about. Liam wanted his mortality, and he was willing to trade away mine for the privilege.
“And this so-called small price?” I asked.
“I was to bring him the soul of a woman who broke her contract years ago, and has eluded his capture ever since.”
“Bring him the soul? How?”
“I would’ve had to take her life, Gray.” He let out a deep sigh. “I’m not proud of that now. Please understand—when I made that deal, I did not think and feel as a human.”
“No, that didn’t happen until you became Liam Colebrook, surfing philosopher, giver of advice and spreader of knowledge, Mr. Humanity himself. Right?”
“Not… quite. It is only in your eyes that I see my human reflection. You look at me as if you truly believe I could be human. As if you truly believe I could be loved.”
I didn’t respond, and after a few moments of chilling silence, Liam said softly, “It’s what I thought I wanted at the time, Gray. My soul was ready to move on.”
“And now?” I asked, my own voice just as soft. Just as broken. I was still kneeling on the foredeck, and I couldn’t bring myself to turn around and look at him. I was too afraid of what he might say. “Is that still what you want?”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s not possible now.”
“But if it were, Liam. Would you want that? A mortal life?”
Liam didn’t say anything for so long, I thought he’d vanished. That I’d only been imagining the feel of his heat cresting behind me, the imprint of his presence refusing to fade from my memory.
But when I finally found the courage to get back on my feet and turn around, he was standing right before me, solid and real, closing the small distance that remained. Fresh tears shone in his eyes.
“I did want that, yes,” he admitted, resting his hands on my shoulders. “And I kept on wanting it, right up until—”
“Until what?” I felt my own tears gathering again, my throat tight with emotion, my heart heavy with the sting of betrayal. “Until you realized that mortals die painfully and that being the Great Transformation and the Vast Almighty Fuckwhit of Time Immemorial isn’t such a bad gig after all?”
At this, he let out a small laugh, but it was hollow. I tried to look away, but he took my chin between his thumb and finger, gently tilting my face up until I had no choice but to look into his eyes.
“What I realized, little witch, was that living a mortal life would hold no joy for me if you were not living that life by my side. Everything I thought I’d wanted vanished under the bright light of your smile, and every time I heard your laugh or tasted your magic in the air or felt even the barest touch of your hair against my cheek, I swore I’d rather die a thousand deaths by your side than be human for a single day in a world that you no longer inhabited—a world where I’d spend every night dreaming that the woman I was falling in love with was curled up beside me, only to awaken to the chill of her absence and the emptiest ache a human heart could bear.”
“You… you’re falling in love with me?” I gasped at his words, each confession a tiny flame that surged and burned its way through my heart.
Liam smiled again, his cheeks coloring. “Another unforeseen complication, I’m afraid.”
God, that smile. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to take me into his arms and promise me he’d find a way out of this for both of us. To convince me that his betrayals didn’t matter. That love was enough, and if we only had the chance to find our way back to each other—to grow and nurture that love—we could get past this.
But we were in hell, and hell was the place where all wishes died.
We couldn’t get past this any more than I could still become Death. Not because of the secrets or even the deal with Sebastian. But because there was too much still uncovered. Unconfessed. I saw the guilt of it lingering in his eyes, felt his shame in his touch.
As if he could read my thoughts, Liam said, “I’m sorry, Gray. For all that I’ve done. For all that I’ve yet to confess. For all the ways my words and deeds will cause you more pain.”
There was so much emotion, so much love in his eyes, anyone else would’ve melted before that gaze. But the longer Liam stared at me, the more enraged I became. It was more than the things he’d confessed, or even the secrets he still held. It was, I realized suddenly, that I’d started falling for him, too. And all along, he’d been something else—someone else—entirely.
Everything about us suddenly felt like a lie. Every memory was tainted. In that way, he’d stolen them from me—some of the most beautiful, meaningful moments of my life.
How could I have trusted him so easily?
Fury was lapping at my feet like a wave, and when I couldn’t take another second of his intense gaze, I finally exploded, letting that fury wash right over me, sucking the last of my patience out to sea.
“In all your training and mentoring,” I said, jabbing my finger into his chest, “you led me to believe it was for my own good, so I could learn to strengthen and direct my magic, to call upon my powers, to grow as a person. But it was really training camp for Death—a job that you no longer wanted. Something you called the loneliest, most difficult job ever. That’s what you were to pass along to me.”
“I would have told you in time, but—”
“No. You kept me in the dark because you made a deal with my soul and couldn’t bring yourself to admit it. Meanwhile, you watched my best friend die, my other friends get kidnapped and tortured, the men I love risk their lives to save me from a Shadowrealm I banished myself to, all the while knowing you could’ve spared us this if only you’d been honest with me. No, I wouldn’t have chosen to become Death, so all of those things would’ve happened anyway, just like they did. But I had a right to know there was another way, and you kept that from me.”
“Gray, I—”
“All your rambling about choices and destinies and paths. All along, you were making my choices for me. I trusted you, Liam. I cared for you—more than you even realize. And when you told me things—about the realms, about my magic, about what I could do—I believed you.”
I blew out a breath of air, my body shaking, my heart pounding. Somewhere along the line I’d hopped on a roller coaster of understanding to frustration to forgiveness to anger to rage, and I still wasn’t ready to step off this crazy ride. The longer we talked, the more it hurt. And the worst part was that none of this even mattered. Not if I couldn’t find a way out of here. Eventually, Liam would have to leave, go back to his Death duties. And I’d be left here, alone with these feelings. With this blackness.
“I never misled you about your capabilities,” he said. “You and I were only just beginning to tap into your potential. You can do all of those things. And more. So much more, Gray. ”
“Ah, but I can’t. Remember?” Angry tears threatened to spill, but I eradicated them with a quick swipe. I would not let my emotions lead me back into his warm embrace. Not now. “I’m here. A permanent guest in Sebastian’s playground. Banished. No better off than I was I the Shadowrealm. All that’s missing is a visit from the Prince himself, come to introduce himself and gloat at his big win.”
“Gray, this wasn’t… Your ending up here had nothing to do with my deal.” Liam’s face paled, his shoulders slumping under the weight of whatever he was about to say next. “Remember, Sebastian was betting on your declining this opportunity. Per our arrangement, if I failed to properly train you or convince you to accept the honor, I… I was bound to burn your life scr
oll.”
“My life scroll?”
“Do you recall the soul ferrier you met the night Sophie passed? The owl I entrusted with her soul?”
I nodded, the familiar sadness of Sophie’s death clawing at my heart. It was a pain I’d learned to live with, but now it flared anew, as bright and strong as it had been in those first few days after her murder. For her, I did let those tears fall. They slid down my cheeks and into my mouth, the salty taste a reminder that I could still feel.
Liam cupped my face, gently catching my tears with his thumbs. I let him, desperate for the comfort, however brief it had to be.
“They take many forms,” he continued. “Owls, ravens, bats. Ferriers ensure safe passage of the recently deceased to the Shadowrealm. But that is not what marks a human’s death in the cosmic sense. Deep within the cosmos, at a distance beyond infinity, lies the Great Hall of Records. A library, essentially, that contains the life stories of all creatures. Their life scrolls.”
“Literally,” I said.
“Quite literally, yes.” He dropped his hands, and I canted forward, already missing his touch. Liam continued speaking, pretending he hadn’t noticed. “Every being is issued a blank scroll upon birth, upon which their life stories are written. Of course, what are stories but a series of choices, and as such, they are never written in permanent ink, for they are ever-changing. The only chapter that is final, immutable, is death. So when a being dies and passes into the Shadowrealm, it is Death’s responsibility to see that their scroll is burned. The burning is symbolic of the great transformation of the soul, and it’s how the natural order is kept in balance. There are never more scrolls—or living beings—than intended.”
In typical fashion, Liam’s explanation left me more confused than ever.
“So Sebastian wanted you to… to kill me?” I asked. “Like the woman who’d escaped his capture?”
“No. He wanted me to burn your life scroll. As I said, that is a symbolic gesture—it does not literally bring your death. It merely records your death, as far as the natural order is concerned.”
“But I wouldn’t actually be dead? Just listed as dead on an old dusty scroll that you would then set on fire?” I closed my eyes and shook my head. Hell’s atmosphere must have been screwing with my logic circuits, because clearly I was missing something. “Liam. If all Sebastian wanted was for you to record my death on paper, why wouldn’t we just do that?”
“It’s so much more complicated and devastating than that, Gray.” He paused, his eyes electrified with pain and guilt. In a voice so low I had to read the words on his lips, he said, “Remember what your death—even on paper—actually means for him.”
The full horror of Liam’s deceit hit me then, all at once, like a thousand glass rainstorms pelting me from all directions. I collapsed onto the deck, all my bones turning to dust. I couldn’t breathe.
Liam really had bargained away my soul. If I’d accepted his offer, I would have become Death. If I’d failed or refused, I would’ve been marked as “dead”, a tiny loophole just big enough for the Prince of Hell to step through.
A loophole just big enough to allow him to collect on my original contract, years—decades—before it was meant to begin.
In exchange for a shot at his own mortal life, Liam had sold me into demonic slavery.
Eight
Gray
Blurred by my tears, three women appeared on the boat behind Liam, dressed in white and carrying their silver swords, just as they had in my dream in the Shadowrealm.
We told you not to follow him, they said.
“Where is my sword?” I asked, nearly delirious with grief. “There are supposed to be four.”
I was vaguely aware of Liam kneeling down on the deck before me, his warm hands wrapping around my calves, his blue eyes scanning my face, searching for signs of life. But I looked past him, reaching instead for the women.
You must seek your own sword, they said, their voices unifying into a single, shadowy echo. Before you no longer have the strength to rise.
They vanished in an instant, leaving their swords behind, suddenly embedded in my chest. Blood leaked from the wounds, soaking my shirt and staining the wooden slats of the boat.
“Do something,” I whispered to Liam.
Tears glittered in his eyes, and he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my temple, the scent of his skin like summer and the beach and the ocean and everything I’d come to love about him. “I’m trying, little witch. Please let me help you.”
I leaned into his touch, and just as quickly as it had appeared, the dream-haze lifted. I was whole again, my mind focused, the blood no more than a nightmare receding in the dawn.
Liam pulled back, watching me intently. Waiting for me to speak.
“I don’t know what to say to you,” I admitted. “Part of me wants to hate you. The other part can’t imagine letting you go.”
“I understand.” He lowered his eyes, shame coloring his cheeks once again. “I… I’ve utterly failed you.”
“Liam, don’t—”
“In guiding you through your magic without revealing my own secrets,” he pushed on, “I have failed you. In withholding this choice and its ramifications from you, I have failed you. But most of all…” Liam cupped my face, each of his words a struggle that seemed to wring another drop of life from his being. “In falling in love with you, I have failed you. I wanted to keep you whole and unbroken, to hold on to the sweetness I tasted in your kiss, to believe in the fairy tale I saw in your eyes when you looked at me that day on the beach.”
“Then why didn’t you?” I reached up to touch his lips, soft and lush. Tiny sparks danced across his mouth, making my fingertips tingle. “Why?”
“Oh, Gray. Your heart was never mine to claim. That is why these sparks—the lightning—why it followed our every kiss. You and I… We were never supposed to exist in that way. There was no room for that possibility in the natural order. I broke it when I tried to make it so. I broke you.”
My heartbeat sputtered, twin halves pounding very opposite rhythms. One half for the new love I’d only just begun to feel for him during our time in the Shadowrealm, fizzy and hopeful and as delicate as lace. The other half for the black rage still coursing through my blood, heating up all over again.
“Say something,” he whispered. Desperate. Lonely.
“I never want to see you again.” I closed my eyes. Apparently, I was a good liar, too. “Go.”
Liam sighed, but he didn’t make a move to leave. “I’m afraid I can’t. Not until I’ve offered you this final choice. It is why I’ve come, Gray.” He got to his feet, pulling me up with him. Grabbing my shoulders tight, he said, “You must hear me out. Please. It is your only chance at leaving this realm.”
“Go,” I said again. I needed him to leave. I needed him to stay. I needed him to undo all of this so we could avoid this soul-crushing pain and skip to the good part. The falling in love, learning about the universe together part. The kissing part.
“Go,” I repeated.
Liam ignored me. “Now that your soul is trapped here, you are no longer free to accept the mantle of Death I was meant to bestow upon you. You are Sebastian’s possession, and I am meant to continue eternally as the Great Equalizer, Lord of Shadows, Bringer of Transformation. Death.”
Fresh anger welled inside, and I jerked out of his grip, shoving him hard in the chest. “You’ve condemned us both, all because of your stupid ego! You’re supposed to be above all this human crap!”
“I am supposed to be a lot of things, Gray. As are you. Yet we keep defying those expectations at every turn.” The smoldering look in his eyes brought me right back to the beach. Our kiss. The lightning. He said we broke the natural order, and maybe we did.
But in that moment, breaking the natural order had made me whole.
The part of my heart that still cared for him beat harder, and I almost reached for him again. Almost pressed my lips to the hollow of his throat
where his shirt opened up, licking the salty taste from his skin. Almost felt a thousand tiny sparks exploding between us.
With every image, every fantasy, my heart started to shift, making room for the possibility of forgiveness even now. Was that what it meant to love someone? To accept their flaws and fuckups, no matter how disastrous, as long as they were willing to bare their soul in front of you? To strip everything down, admit their mistakes, apologize? Mean it? Was it enough? I had no doubts that Liam was sorry. That he’d do anything to take back his actions and heal this great rift he’d opened up between us.
But did that mean I was strong enough to cross that rift?
My heart thought so. My skin, my eyes, my body, all the places that wanted to drink him in thought so.
But in the end, my brain just couldn’t be convinced.
I broke away from his fiery gaze and backed off, folding my arms across my chest to keep him from getting any closer. “What do you want, Liam?”
“There is a final choice for you here, as I mentioned on my arrival. This time, I’m giving you the options equally and honestly, as I should’ve done before.”
“Honestly?” I laughed, but the harshness of it hurt my ears. “Well, honest would be a good start, coming from you.”
“A good start? No, little witch.” He dropped his voice to a whisper, his face falling into a look of utter devastation. “It’s the end.”
“Of course.” I sighed. I was out of anger, out of rage. Out of patience for his melodramatic declarations. “Just… just tell me, Liam. Get to the point.”
“Option one,” he began, the heaviness of his words pressing on my heart before he’d even finished his sentence. “We concede to this loss. I will return to my eternal work, donning the cloak of shadows for all time, and you… remain.”
“Remain what? Where?”
“Here, Gray. Exactly as you are now, only without my company.” He looked out across the vast emptiness surrounding us, the black sea still wholly unbroken by land or other vessels or even a cloud on the horizon. “This moment, this place, this view, this life, these memories, endlessly haunting you.”
