“We all have shadows. Sometimes they get darker when everything else gets brighter. But we still have to live with them.”
“I just…” She turns her face to the Atlantic, the cold wind whipping back her hair. She closes her eyes, breathing deeply through her nose. “I just wish I knew what I was doing.”
“Ruby, no one knows what they’re doing. I guarantee it. You keep thinking that you’re this anomaly, but you’re not. You’re different in all the right ways, but the one thing you think you suffer from that no one else does isn’t so special. Sorry to say. We’re all a little lost on this planet, stumbling around on cascading years, trying to make sense of it all.”
She glances at me, her eyes glistening in such a way that it hurts my heart. “Then I don’t want to do it alone. I want to be lost and stumbling with you.”
Jesus Cristo.
I feel like the ocean comes to a standstill.
All I can hear is my heart.
“I would like that very much,” I manage to say, pulling her into me, like I’ve just realized how rare and precious of a gem she is. How much I can’t possibly let her go after this.
“I want to take you home,” I whisper into her neck. “Stay the night with me?”
She puts her hands on my face, lifting it to meet her eyes. “I’ll stay all the nights with you.”
I kiss her, a different need racing through me now, the need to express everything I’m feeling even though I don’t have the words. It doesn’t matter. My body can speak to hers. We don’t need a translator.
I get up and grab her hand, stepping over the wooden fence, then walking briskly back to the car, as if we’re running out of time.
Perhaps we are.
The drive back to Lisbon goes quicker than the way in. We don’t stop anywhere, we just drive, and it’s not long before I’m parking the car downstairs in my apartment’s garage. There’s an urgency to our step, and once we’re inside the apartment, I kick the door closed and practically maul her.
We are a writhing tangled mess of hungry lips and roaming, desperate hands as we make our way across the apartment to the bedroom, leaving a trail of discarded clothes behind. I’m so eager to get her naked that I rip her flimsy thong in two as we fall onto the bed, the satisfying tear reverberating in the room.
“I hope that wasn’t expensive,” I murmur, tossing it over my shoulder before I cover her body with mine, pressing her into the bed as I kiss her, my fingers wrapping into her hair and holding tight. I rub my dick against her, knowing how easy it would be to slide inside, but I want, need to take my time.
This feels different now, as if seeing her on that cliff, imagining the horror of losing her made me realize I can’t afford to lose her in any way. Sometimes she seems so wild and unrooted that I’m scrambling to take hold, like reaching for the string before the balloon floats away, never to return.
But she’s here now. She’s here beneath me, her skin soft cream, her lips feeling like sin. She’s here and she’s mine and I want her to lose control, to let go of the fears and let me in.
Let me stay.
I don’t even want to fix you. I want to ride your broken wings.
“I want you inside me,” she says, her words urgent, her hands on my face, pulling me closer.
“I’m getting there,” I whisper, though her words nearly send me over the edge. “Let me take my time with you.”
She lets out an impatient huff, her hands gliding down my back to my ass, shrugging me into her. Her thighs part, and she’s slick against my cock. She’s so soft and warm and wet everywhere that I feel tension fizzle down my spine like I’ve been plugged into an electrical outlet.
I kiss her on all my favorite places, the places I didn’t get a chance to savor last night. That spot beside her mouth, the tip of her nose, her cheek. I love the feel of her eye lashes as they brush against my skin, leaving kisses of their own.
My lips trail to the spot behind her ear, my teeth nipping at the velvet of her ear lobe until she’s groaning loudly, her nails digging into my ass, a sharp mix of pleasure and pain. I leave deep licking kisses along her neck, trying to temper my hunger, which is growing with each passing second.
“I’ve missed this,” she says, as if this was something we used to do all the time. I suppose that one night together before she left was a microcosm of eternity.
And I’m smiling against her neck, feeling warmth flood through me, wrap around my heart, giving it a squeeze. This is too good. Too good. It’s so unbelievably different now, my body and my soul both giving themselves to her.
I pull back to glance at her face and she’s watching me with the same kind of wonder, awe, like she feels this is different too. That this is the culmination of us, not just two bodies screwing, but two bodies connecting, slipping inside each other’s skin until we’re one.
I am you and you are me.
Her blue eyes light up as if she can hear me.
I know she feels me.
I slowly move back on the bed, being indulgent with my time, kissing and touching as I make my way over her body. I feel like I’m seeing it for the first time, the constellation of freckles on her chest, the tiny birthmark on her breast, the way her nipples are the perfect pink, tight and hard against her skin. I map her body in my mind, reading the blueprint with my tongue, my fingers tracing shapes.
Her breathing gets quicker, I watch as her full breasts rise and fall, feel her stomach beneath my hand as I continue my journey down. I dip my head, my face between her legs, and slowly lick up her inner thighs, teasing as I head to where she’s wet and glistening.
“Luciano,” she says, impatient, her voice hoarse and pleading, like I’m withholding oxygen from her. “Please.”
I shouldn’t love to torture her like this.
I should put her out of her misery.
I bring my mouth to her, sucking her in my mouth like a gumdrop.
She cries out sharply, her hands going to my hair, tugging and pulling.
I don’t stop. My tongue flicks against her clit until she is breathless and wild and unhinged. I can feel her starting to come, feel her descent, the rise of her hips against my face, the heat on my tongue.
I decide to make things more interesting.
I bring my wet fingers down and slide them along the crease of her ass, testing her.
“Fuck,” she moans. “Yes. I want that.”
I push my finger inside her ass and she immediately clenches around me, tight as anything.
Jesus Cristo.
I continue to fuck her with my finger while licking and sucking at her clit until her nails stab into my head as she grips me.
“I’m coming!”
She doesn’t have to tell me that, but fuck does it get me off just hearing it.
“Oh god, Luciano.”
Don’t mind hearing that either.
I grin against her as she continues to come in my mouth, her convulsions squeezing the life out of my finger.
She shakes, limbs twitching, thighs around my head and then she goes limp like I’ve just sucked the life out of her.
“Oh god, oh god,” she mutters to herself, her eyes closed, head lolling from side to side.
I waste no time. I’m surprised I didn’t come when she did.
I move up between her legs. My hands tighten on her knees and I spread her thighs wide. I slide inside her, pushing in, deep, deep, deeper, until we’re rocking together in an easy rhythm.
We fit. Just perfectly.
Something drops in my chest.
That realization of how good this is, how good we are together.
That realization of how different it is this time.
Not because we’ve changed.
But because I’m in fucking love with her.
Everything seems to still inside me, my brain trying to make sense of what my heart was trying to say all this time.
I love her.
I’m in love with her body, her mind, her heart, and
her soul.
And she owns every single piece of me.
I knew I was screwed.
I keep my hips pumping, moving in silent wonder at what just happened, then I start to pick up the pace as my needs converge, clawing through my chest. I stare down at where my cock disappears into her, fascinated, watching it glisten with her desire, then glance up at her breasts as they jostle with each thrust, her open mouth making greedy little sounds.
Her.
It’s her.
I’m in her, knowing her from the inside.
Give me your heart, Ruby. Give me your heart, because you already have mine.
She moans and squeezes her thighs together, growing tight as a fist around my dick.
My skin feels too tight, too hot, like I can’t get enough of her that it hurts. There’s so much pleasure that it feels like pain.
“Don’t stop,” she says between breaths. “Don’t stop.”
I’ll never stop. I’ll take her as far as she wants me to.
“Yes.” She gasps, and I know I have her on the verge again.
Yes.
Yes.
Please.
I touch her, a slick hard pass of my fingers. She sucks in a breath, holding it in her chest, and then she’s crying out, nails scratching up my back. She comes so hard she’s jerking off the bed, practically levitating, and I let myself go. A million explosions go off inside me, pulsing down my spine, shattering me into pieces.
Fuck.
I let out a hoarse yelp as my orgasm tears through my chest, my arms shuddering to keep me up, my hips driving in harder, thrusting myself in deeper, until I feel myself come so hard my cock is completely drained. I’m a garbled mess of words, I know I’m yelling in Portuguese, and even then it doesn’t make much sense.
The seconds stretch into eternity.
All I hear is my breath, scratchy and rough, and my heart like a beating drum.
Then the sounds of the city outside return.
The world returns.
Her arms are shaking slightly as she runs her hands up my chest, over my shoulder, staring up at me with such startling clarity. “Have I ever told you how good you are?”
I give her a lopsided grin, pulling out and lying down beside her, putting my leg over her hip protectively. “I inferred as much.”
“I mean it. And I mean in…you’re so good Luciano. Too good for me.”
“I’m not too good for anyone,” I tell her. “But we’re more than good enough for each other.”
I love you.
I’ve fallen in love with you.
But despite all we’ve talked about, I have to guard my words from her. I want to be open, but not open enough to scare her away. She’s still that wild animal that will run if she gets cornered.
I’ll have to let her do things on her own terms.
I have to hope she’ll fall in love with me.
But the one thing I think she knows too, is that what we are has changed. What was once a possibility is now the reality.
There is an us now.
There’s no turning back.
Sixteen
Ruby
It’s strange to be back here.
Even though I’ve only been here at the Alcochete Training Centre once, when I first laid my eyes on Luciano for that now infamous interview, it feels like it was just yesterday. And yet everything has changed. Now I’m here with Elena, sitting in the stands and watching Luciano and his team at practice, huddled under a big scarf together in the crisp December air.
“This is exciting,” Elena says to me. “I mean, it beats the hell out of watching my nephew practice.” I glare at her jokingly. “No offense, you’re a good coach,” she adds.
I wave her off, my eyes going back to the pitch where Luciano is yelling enthusiastically at the goalkeeper as the team lines up and starts hammering in the ball. The goalkeeper is getting quite the workout, leaping from side to side, but to my surprise he actually blocks most of the shots. No wonder the team has been doing better this year.
And so much of that can be attributed to Luciano. I’ve watched him over the years, but never in person, and I’ve never seen him at practice. Now I can see just how vital he is to the team, how easily he stepped into this role.
To think that his stepfather tells him he’s pathetic and a fluke. I swear to god, if I ever see that man again, I might give him a big old bitch-slap to the face.
“So, how does it feel to know that man is your boyfriend?” Elena asks idly, elbowing me in the side.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I mutter, giving her a dirty look.
“Sure, sure. Fuck buddy then. But you’re much more than friends.”
“Right now we’re just friends, okay? Must I remind you that I used to date his brother?”
“So?”
“So? We’re just lucky that Marco never comes to watch Luciano practice. Apparently he doesn’t go to the games much either.”
“Don’t tell me that Marco is still pining for you. I don’t even get one guy pining over me, and you get two brothers.”
I snort. “Marco isn’t pining. He broke up with me, remember? I haven’t talked to him or seen him since, you know that.”
“Doesn’t mean he’s not pining for you. I mean, your relationship didn’t sound all that bad.”
“It wasn’t. It was just temporary. But I mean…what I feel for Luciano compared to what I felt for Marco, it can’t even be compared. Marco was the safe bet…”
Marco couldn’t hurt me.
She points at Luciano, who is now effortlessly kicking the ball and getting it past the goalie with aplomb, soaring into the back of the net. He’s grinning now, running around with his arms up.
“And that guy isn’t a safe bet?” she says.
“Look, I knew what I had with Marco had an expiration date. So he was the safe bet. I didn’t get attached to him. I didn’t fall in love. I couldn’t have even if I tried. But Luciano…I don’t know. I don’t think I could have protected myself from him if I had ended up with him instead.”
“Yeah, but that guy’s in love with you.”
My heart stills in my chest. My mouth opens and closes, refusing to believe her words. “No he isn’t.”
“I know when these Portuguese men fall in love, okay? He’s in love with you. It’s beyond obvious.”
I roll my eyes, refusing to believe she’s some expert in Portuguese love. “You don’t even know him. You met him briefly at the club, and only in passing before practice.”
“I know what I know,” she says, sitting back and folding her arms. “That man is the safe bet.”
“No.” That’s the man who has the power to shatter me.
If I let him.
“And anyway,” I go on, “we are just friends. No one is in love with anyone. We’re just having fun while I’m here.”
“I don’t believe it. You protest too much.”
“Believe it.”
“Well, I would love it if Marco showed up during the game on Tuesday night, and then Luciano and he would have to have a fist fight over you,” she says, her eyes dancing. “Brother versus brother! Agent versus client!”
I slap her arm with the back of my hand. “Don’t say that. You have no idea how bad that would be. And that’s why we’re just friends, okay? Neither of us can get into any trouble.”
“Have you even contacted Marco to tell him you’re here?”
“No, and I’m not going to. That’s up to Luciano.”
Luciano and I actually talked about it the other day, when we were at his apartment. Ever since we got back from my surprise date, we’ve been spending every waking moment together at his place. I feel slightly bad that I’m not with Elena much, but she seems to understand.
When he said I could come to practice and to the game, my first thought was actually about Marco. Doesn’t he go to those? Shouldn’t we tell him something?
Luciano said that shouldn’t be an issue, and though he does talk to h
im nearly every day, he didn’t mention me at all.
I’m not sure that’s wise.
I mean, I get Luciano’s fear. I do. But if he finds out by accident that I’m in town and that Luciano knew that, then Luciano is really going to get shit.
But he’s not my brother and I don’t have the inside scoop into their relationship. I just have to trust that Luciano is handling it the best he can.
That’s the reason why, when we go to the game, our seats are way up in the nosebleeds. I don’t really care, I’m just stoked to go, but it’s so that I’m somewhat hidden and out of the way, just in case Marco does show up. If he does, he’ll at least be sitting with all the important fancy pants people, won’t ever notice me.
That said, I totally intend to wear a Ribeiro jersey to show my support.
Practice continues for a little while longer, and while I’m watching Luciano, I’m also thinking about what Elena just said.
About how Luciano is in love with me.
I know he isn’t.
I mean, he hasn’t said anything and I don’t expect him to.
But it does make me want to lower my guard, just a little.
The other day when we went to the western-most point on the continent and I nearly fell off a cliff, I got so fucking scared that it made me freeze up. It made me distrust myself and everything I was feeling. Looking back now, I know it was reckless and stupid of me. The me of a few weeks ago wouldn’t have done that, wouldn’t have tempted fate and gone to the edge like that. I don’t know what changed, why I’m different now.
I think it has to be the fear.
I think being with Luciano is having those fears rush to the surface.
The last two years I’ve been wandering, but I’ve been alone. No one to rely on except myself. No complications except the ones in my head, the untangling of my past, of trying to outrun my shadows. I felt like I was evolving, growing, getting to know myself better each and every day.
Now I’m here in Lisbon, and I’m supposed to go down to the Algarve with Elena soon and then return to Helsinki for Christmas. Elena already said she’ll go down to Algarve without me and I can meet her back in Finland after. I can stay here longer with Luciano.
The One That Got Away: A Novel Page 20
