That’s nothing, you should see mine! #penisguy
Look out, ladies! #penisguy
Proof that men are obsessed #penisguy
I’ll show you mine if you show me yours! #penisguy
The last one had been retweeted over 3,000 times, including by a couple of minor celebrities and rent-a-gobs.
Excellent.
It was with a heavy heart that she drove to the gym after work for the first time in an age. At one time she’d got into a bit of a routine, and even begun to enjoy spending time working out. But the urge to lift weights and run on an artificial surface had faded away and now she viewed the harshly lit room with its wall-length mirrors with the kind of dread she’d used to reserve for the dentist.
Where had it gone, her desire to work out? She’d felt, at one stage – a few months ago maybe – that she had adopted a whole new lifestyle, become a new person. But one session missed here, one there, and gradually her body had got used to a cuppa on the sofa in front of the news, rather than headphones and pounding at the gym. Like a gym membership cliché, she’d slipped back into her old habits.
She envied the ordinary people for whom quitting the gym would be met by understanding – for her, posting gym updates and mirror selfies was part of the ‘package’. It wasn’t as if she’d started smoking crack or developed a gambling problem. But admitting she’d fallen off the treadmill would be blogicide.
To keep up appearances recently she’d kept her Instagram updated by recycling old shots or taking pictures of scenic views from the car, claiming country walks or street runs; she hadn’t hit the gym for longer than she’d care to remember.
But now, having lied to her newest client, she thought she ought at least to get a selfie there. More ambitiously, she was going to try to get Dave to appear in the shot.
She pulled into the gym’s small car park and grabbed her bag from the back seat, where it had been since her last visit a few weeks ago. A time when she’d felt – if not completely satisfied – at least secure in her relationship with Dave. Because they were living together, things had seemed permanent. They’d never officially talked about it, but he’d stopped over one night a few months in and never really left. She’d assumed that was a commitment.
That was the problem, she supposed. The assumption of it. That his moving in meant they’d moved into a different category of relationship. Probably he’d liked living with her because it was closer to the town centre, or more convenient for work.
But it was hard, wasn’t it? To actually ask those questions. To risk coming on too strong and scaring someone off. So many single men in their forties seemed to be obsessed with Doctor Who or Star Wars, or were frighteningly close to their mothers, or – if they were relatively normal – commitment-phobic.
Prior to meeting Dave, she’d gone on a blind date with one guy – a doctor from the hospital where Bea worked – who’d told her he was looking for a serious relationship, then dumped her after their first night together. Another had taken her out four times before admitting he was married, and had another girlfriend to boot.
The date that finally broke her – and left her more open to trying something online – had been with a bloke who’d seemed completely normal when she’d met him in the pub. But when he’d turned up on her doorstep the next day, he’d been wearing a tin-foil hat. ‘You live close to a mast,’ he’d explained, as if it was completely normal to fashion headwear out of kitchen paraphernalia. ‘Can’t be too careful.’
Compared to them, Dave had been a real catch – she’d been scared to put a foot wrong.
She slipped into the changing rooms unnoticed, using her swipe card to get through the revolving gate. Then she changed into her – slightly tighter, she noticed – gym kit and wandered into the main workout space, trying to look casual, but scanning the room for Dave.
He was there, as usual, sitting on a bench in front of a mirror, lifting an enormous-looking weight and staring at the rise of his muscle as he performed a bicep curl. Immediately she was filled with so much longing, it was all she could do to stop herself flying across the room and wrapping herself around his legs like a toddler.
She reached for the phone in her pocket, but before she could take a snap, their eyes locked in the mirror. He put the weight down and stood up.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Nothing. You know, just taking a quick picture.’
‘Of me?’
‘Yeah. You know,’ she tried to play to his male pride. ‘Your biceps are looking amazing.’
He didn’t bite. ‘I know. But why a picture? For your blog? We talked about this.’
‘Yes, but …’ she said, feeling unexpected tears prick at her eyes. ‘But you said … and it’s just, well, I’m not ready to tell people yet. About us. I haven’t even told Anna.’ This was true, at least.
He softened then. ‘OK,’ he said putting the weight down and walking over to her. ‘I know. I mean. Shit. I’m sorry, Jess.’ He sat down heavily on a leather bench. ‘I’ve been a bit crap, I suppose.’
‘No!’ she said, although that was true, wasn’t it? What sort of person leaves a year-old relationship with a live-in partner and a sort of surrogate daughter, with a four-word Post-it note! Not even a text, she thought to herself. Not even an email.
‘Look, Dave,’ she continued, biting the bullet. ‘I know things haven’t been great, I know …’ she gestured silently at her barely there belly bulge, ‘but surely it’s not all about …’ her eye rested on his enormous calf muscle and she lost her train of thought for a moment. ‘You know … not just, erm …’
‘Not just about looks?’ he said, helpfully, his chocolate eyes focusing on her face. ‘Not just about the sex.’ He gave a subconscious, slight pelvic thrust at the word.
‘Exactly,’ she said, feeling slightly flustered, and self-conscious that she hadn’t reapplied her foundation before leaving the changing room. ‘It’s … we’re more than that, surely?’
‘What, more than just sexual partners? Lovers?’
‘Um …’
‘More than just two people consumed by lust? Sexually connected by desire? Drawn to each other’s naked bodies?’
‘Well …’
‘Of course, there was more to our relationship than sex, than making love, than the act of physical affection,’ he said, still subconsciously gyrating. ‘Sex … Well, sex is great. Our sex – the sex between you and me – the sexual attraction, physical desire was amazing. But sex isn’t everything.’
‘No …’ How many times did he have to say sex?
‘Sex,’ he said, for no reason at all.
‘Right.’
‘I, well, it’s complicated,’ he said. ‘Maybe … Can we talk about something else? I know! How about a couple of pics for that blog of yours?!’
It was classic subject-changing – exercised with the same level of subtlety she’d had to use when distracting a three-year-old Anna with cartoons. ‘Oh look! It’s Peppa Pig! That’s right; forget about the chocolate.’ But she grabbed the opportunity. Turning and raising her phone, she took a couple of selfies of them together – just like old times.
Later, once Anna had gone to bed, and Jessica was uploading the snaps to her social media, she had to fight unexpected tears again. Because in the picture, she looked as if she had it all. Grinning with her burly boyfriend, working out at the gym, everything going well.
Whereas in reality, she’d ducked out of the gym with barely a leg lift, cried in the shower and picked up a pathetic half-cucumber and diced lettuce from the Co-op on the way home. Anna hated cucumber. And Jessica would never get through a whole one herself.
The cashier had been friendly, but they’d both known what half a cucumber really meant.
She’d never felt so alone.
DAILY NEWS ONLINE
STOP! PENIS!
A pe
tty thief has taken the internet by storm due to the nature of his haul. Hugo Henderson, 42, from St Albans, who describes himself as an artist, was caught stealing a giant replica penis from a sculpture at the city library this morning.
Henderson, who claimed that the sculpture belonged to him, was confronted by a member of staff, who attempted to restrain him. However, the would-be art thief grappled with the surprised employee, wrenching the three-metre penis from the sculpture in the process.
Henderson – who had disguised himself with a large hat – then ran through the library foyer, complete with three metre penis, in an attempt to get away with the stolen item.
John Foster, 22, library assistant, said: The first thing I knew, there was this guy acting suspiciously by the penis statue. Then, he picked it up off the stand and started to walk off! I asked him to stop, and placed a hand on him to restrain him, but he went mad. He said something about his art and how he had his mind on bigger things. Then he ran off with the penis.’
The sculpture Proud Man, which was eventually discovered to be the work of Henderson himself, had been a controversial exhibit in the library foyer for two weeks, receiving a number of complaints from parents, as well as the pressure group ‘One Size Fits All’, who campaign against the objectification of men.
Doris Halliday, 87, was in the foyer when the scuffle took place. She told reporters, ‘All that fuss over a sculpture! I’ve always thought they were overrated, myself.’
The remainder of the statue has now been removed from the exhibition stand and will shortly be replaced with a rather less controversial exhibition of local pottery.
Sally Jones, 56, who is in charge of arranging exhibitions for the library and surrounding municipal buildings, defended her choice of exhibit. ‘True art should challenge our perception of the world,’ she claimed. ‘Proud Man is a powerful work of art, which appeals to me on a very personal level.’
Hugo Henderson refused to comment on the incident.
Police have issued a caution for public disturbance, but no other charges will be entered.
Chapter Sixteen
#WalnutSalad for tonight’s dinner – check out the recipe here. And finally catching up with BFF @MW_Bea #LifeisGood #Winning #Protein
It was great to hear Bea’s voice on the phone; once again she was reminded how much more personal it felt than emailing. And Bea wasn’t a fan of online chats – probably one of the reasons Jessica often forgot to get in touch.
‘Hang on, so you’re telling me that penis guy is one of your clients? I saw him in the News!’ Bea laughed down the line.
‘His name’s Hugo, and yes, he’s probably my longest-standing client.’
‘Longest-standing … in what way?’
‘Bea!’ but Jessica couldn’t help but smile. ‘Proud Man is a serious piece of artwork!’
‘Oh yes, I wasn’t suggesting …’ Bea giggled. ‘I mean, it’s certainly a seriously big …’
‘Stop it! Anyway, it’s a complete nightmare. I’ve spent years trying to get Hugo some proper attention in the press, and now he’s everywhere, but for all the wrong reasons.’
‘No publicity is bad publicity, so they say.’
‘Yes.’ Jessica wondered who ‘they’ were. And whether they’d ever heard of Twitter or the Daily News. Because when it came to this sort of thing, there was definitely such a thing as bad publicity. Hugo might well be offered a place on the next reality series going, but a space in a serious broadsheet weekend section or inclusion in a well-known gallery now seemed like a distant dream.
‘Sorry, Jess. I know it’s a nightmare.’
‘Yep. Never mind. Are your lot OK?’
‘Yeah, you know. Same old, same old.’
‘No giant penis thefts I should know about?’
‘Not a giant penis in sight.’
‘Well, think yourself lucky.’
As Jessica hung up the phone she wondered why she didn’t spend more time speaking to Bea. Somehow she always managed to put the world to rights.
Although she’d still wimped out of telling her about Dave.
Sighing, she turned back to her PC.
Having uploaded the gym picture, Jessica switched on to social media and began the usual round of tweets.
Check out my new blog! #fitat30 #lowcarb #fitnessgoals
She’d deal with Hugo and his penis tomorrow.
Fit at 30
Loving the gym
Those of you who read regularly will know that I try to add a little variety into my workouts – taking a new exercise class or hiking in the country are great ways to shake up your regime. So recently I’ve been trying fitness DVDs in my living room, and running up and down the stairs at work during my lunchtime. I’ve even bought myself a hula hoop (more later)!
But having gone to the gym last night, I realised that while variety is great, gyms are truly wonderful places if you want to get yourself in shape. They’re packed with inspirational people (like my wonderful Dave) and as well as having a fantastic calorie burn, you can also make friends and have a great time.
Last night, I started off with a twenty-minute fast-paced warm-up walk on the treadmill, before doing thirty minutes on the ski machine and ten on the rower (the only machine that gives you a full-body workout). Then I did my usual floor routine, leg raises and free weights, before cooling down on the treadmill again.
Yes, the whole workout took nearly two hours, but now I’ve reached my fitness goal, I feel as if I’m more energised than I’ve ever been! And the diet is helping too – I’ve upped the lean protein and am trying to eat an extra few calories a day (that’s right – MORE calories, as long as they’re the right ones).
So if anyone’s going through a bit of a slump with their exercise, take it from me – it’s worth persevering.
Love, Jess
COMMENTS
Bob
Good for you – although remember to get outside too for your vitamin D! Coach Bob
Stu
Oh stop it, you’re making me feel lazy.
D
???
Helen’s Hulas
Hula hooping is the new sit-up! Visit www.helenshulas.com to try out our latest fat-blasting heated rings!
Chapter Seventeen
LITTLE ACCIDENTS – Press Release
We’ve all been there. A random cough, an unexpected sneeze and – oop! An accident. If you’ve experienced urinary incontinence you might feel embarrassed, might not want people to know.
Little Accidents are here to change your life! Our discreet ‘safety net’ range of products will keep you as dry as a newborn baby. Better still, they come in a range of sexy styles – from sequinned goddess to our fun ‘umbrella motif’ range.
Once you get used to Little Accidents, you’ll wonder how you managed without them!
Goodbye knicker washing! Goodbye underwear shopping! And goodbye frumpy panty liners!
Hello to a glittering undercarriage and the confidence that you’re safe – no matter how much you laugh.
Have a Little Accident every day!
Tamzin Peters (star of hot reality show Dagenham and Diamante) swears by Little Accidents.
‘Before finding out about Little Accidents I felt awful about my bladder weakness. But now I feel blessed! Without my condition, I’d never have this fabulous range of underwear alternatives to choose from each morning! Slim-fitting, with only the smallest of bulges, Little Accidents not only keep me comfortable, they give me a Kardashian-style bottom boost!
‘Incontinence has been a blessing.’
Jessica looked at the press release one last time. Sure, she was fine with helping to promote products, provided they didn’t hurt anyone. And this range could be a godsend for women who were suffering. But she hated the normalisation of bladder weakness, when there was
so much that could be done to ease the suffering.
She’d suffered a bit herself post-Anna, but Grahame had read up about biofeedback and encouraged her to go to a physio. While his skill as a husband had left a lot to be desired, he’d at least ensured she had a pelvic floor worthy of shooting ping-pong balls, should she choose to indulge.
‘Incontinence has been a blessing’, she read aloud to herself.
‘Sorry? What was that?’ Candice peered around her computer. ‘Incompetence?’
‘Incontinence.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry!’
‘Not me!’ Jess said. ‘It’s just Little Accidents.’
‘Yeah, my mum has those,’ Candice acknowledged with a sympathetic grimace.
‘No, this campaign,’ Jessica waved the printout at Candice, but she’d turned back to her screen and begun furiously typing once more.
With a heavy heart, Jessica pulled up her list of contacts and began to send the press release to anyone she thought might be interested in featuring the product, together with its celebrity endorsement.
To:[email protected]
From:[email protected]
Re:Press Release
Dear Linda,
How are you?
Just a quick note to say that I’ve put some feelers out for Little Accidents. I’ll let you know if there’s any feedback, and do a chaser in a couple of days’ time.
I hope all is going well your end.
Kind regards,
Jessica Bradley
CEO Star PR
To:[email protected]
From:[email protected]
Re:Re: Press Release
Oh hi, Jessica! Fab news about the press release!
I wanted to ask actually, Tamzin is featuring in an ad campaign for us – we’re super-excited of course! – and I wondered whether you wanted to come down for the filming tomorrow? I know you wouldn’t normally expect to attend, but thought it would give you a better understanding of the brand?
Everything is Fine: The funny, feel-good and uplifting page-turner you won't be able to put down! Page 9
