‘Oh you know …’
‘I just think of you tapping away at the keyboard. Glass of wine. All Carrie Bradshaw. Except you’re a lot more healthy, of course. Organic wine, then. And your lovely man to cuddle up to!’ gabbled Liz.
She’s nervous, realised Jessica.
‘Was rather hoping I might meet the man himself,’ Liz continued, looking around the room as if to verify that there was no muscle-bound hunk hiding behind the sofa. ‘Not here tonight?’
‘No. Gym.’ Jessica said. Which, according to the law of averages, was probably true.
‘Ah. And you didn’t fancy it?’ Liz asked.
It was just polite conversation, showing an interest. But it felt like an interrogation. Was her web of lies really so easily unpicked?
‘Rest day,’ said Jessica with an air of authority. ‘Just as important.’
‘Of course. Of course. Good for you,’ Liz nodded, sitting down rather heavily on the sofa and causing Jessica’s laptop to perform a little leap into the air.
Liz rested her cardboard box on her lap, her right hand stroking its lid, as if calming a fractious cat. ‘So, the quiz!’ she said.
‘Yes.’ Jessica felt a bit like she had at school on the rare occasions that she hadn’t completed her homework. A prickle of a blush started to climb up her neck.
‘How’s it all going? It’s just, I know I’m probably seeming a bit, well, pushy. But I do keep reading your blog – of course I would anyway, it’s so compelling – and I’ve not seen anything about the quiz yet.’
‘No. It’s scheduled for …’ Jessica tried to sound in control. She’d actually hoped she could avoid referencing a local school quiz on her fitness blog. ‘I’ll have to check,’ she finished with a grin. ‘Sorry.’
‘OK.’ Liz eyed her suspiciously. ‘I’m sorry if you feel it’s a bit beneath you,’ she said. ‘I know it’s only a stupid school quiz. Nothing in the grand scheme of things.’
It was like watching an advert for Save the Tiny Animals. Jessica could feel her guilt rising with every word. ‘No! No, it’s not that,’ she said hastily. ‘Far from it.’
‘OK. As long as you’re sure,’ Liz continued, looking at her with eyes that appeared suddenly kitten-like. ‘I’d hate to impose, but I just keep wondering how the teams will manage without a minibus soon.’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘And Dave will be helping, on the night?’
‘Oh! Erm, I’m not sure.’
‘Oh. I thought I mentioned it … I do hope he’ll make an appearance; it’s so nice to see fathers – or, um, stepfathers – getting their hands dirty, so to speak. Especially well … a local celebrity like your Dave.’
‘I’ll ask him.’
‘So,’ continued Liz, snapping brightly back to positive and pushy. ‘The questions.’ She opened the box to reveal rows of neatly stacked cards, all handwritten, and – evidently – colour-coded. ‘I’ve just written a few – you know, to help. I’m sure you have hundreds of your own!’
The flush that had started as a prickle on Jessica’s neck reached her cheeks. She opened her mouth to confess that she hadn’t yet had time to think of any (in fact, she’d forgotten all about it for the last couple of days, what with the #penisguy incident).
‘Oh! Are these them?’ Liz asked suddenly, moving the laptop onto the table and picking up Jessica’s box. ‘Gosh, aren’t we similar,’ she said, with a grin. ‘Both of us with our little boxes.’
‘They’re …’
As she opened the box, Liz’s face turned ashen. ‘Oh God,’ she said. ‘Jessica, I had no idea. I’m so, so sorry.’ Her tone was grave, as if she was talking about a death.
‘No, no!’ Jess tried to laugh. ‘They’re for work. A promotional product.’
‘Oh, how lovely. It must be nice to get things to try out. And … and so … practical.’ Liz was almost hyperventilating.
‘Well, they’re not really to wear. I’m helping with the promotional side, so they thought I ought to see the … the range.’
‘Of course. Of course,’ Liz replied, nodding doubtfully, placing the box carefully on the sofa as if she thought it might explode. ‘Anyway … do you have any questions? For the quiz I mean?’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Jess replied, feeling her cheeks flush again. ‘I thought I’d do some later this evening …’
‘Of course,’ Liz’s tone had gone from chirpy, to sympathetic, to that of a disappointed parent. ‘Of course. You must have so much on. It was silly of me, really.’
‘No. No, I really want to be involved. I was thrilled that you asked!’
‘Really?’ The kitten eyes were back.
‘Yes, really. Let me take a look at those questions, add some of mine, and maybe we can meet early next week?’
‘If you’re sure?’ Liz got to her feet, smoothing down her navy-coloured skirt. ‘I must dash, actually; dinner won’t cook itself! I tell you what, let’s make an evening of it next time, shall we? Bottle of wi— water or something?’
‘Yes, great.’ Jessica stood up, hearing the sound of crinkling paper as she did so. Liz’s eyes travelled to Jessica’s pants-area, which was now quite obviously bulging. Jessica tried to smooth it down surreptitiously, but the sequins had clumped together underneath the fabric, meaning each quick flick with a hand made more obvious lumps appear.
In the end, she came clean. ‘Thought I’d try one on,’ she grinned. ‘Just to see what it’s like, you know!’
‘Of course! Of course!’ came the answer. Liz tapped the side of her nose as if to say your secret is safe with me. ‘If anything, it’s a relief to find out things aren’t quite as perfect as they seem,’ she said. ‘Your blog posts make me so envious sometimes!’
‘Yes, but as I said, I was just trying—’
‘Oh, yes. Yes, of course! Well, see you soon!’
Jessica shut the door and leant against it for a moment, her head spinning. Then a burning smell alerted her to the fact that the pasta bake had been ready for half an hour. She grabbed it out of the oven with a tea towel and scraped away the blackened top with a fork. It would have to do.
Remembering her Instagram, she arranged the salad neatly in the bowl and set a large jar of ultra-virgin pure olive oil flavoured organic essence next to it, taking a snap on her phone. Salad for dinner – so versatile! She wrote. #goodfats #cleanliving #nutrition #thisisthelife.
Anna was going to Grahame’s tomorrow; he’d agreed to babysit despite it being ‘her weekend’ and was picking her up shortly before Jessica’s parents were due to arrive for dinner. When she’d first made the dinner plan, Anna had been due to join them, but this had been scuppered by the fact that Anna thought Dave was tucked up in a Premier Inn near Brighton and her parents thought he was laid up with stomach cramps at home. Jessica had made some excuse about needing some private time with her parents, which Grahame had swallowed but Anna had – quite rightly – found highly suspicious.
Jessica felt a sudden wave of exhaustion. Was it all worth it? This lying? And where would it all end? Of course, if Dave would only come back then everything could just go back to normal; they could pretend it had never happened at all.
She imagined him turning up on the doorstep, wearing his skinny jeans and that polo top that looked great against his skin. Suitcases, flowers and apologies. Green smoothies before bed; comparing their daily steps; snuggling on the sofa for a well-earned glass of alcohol-free wine.
‘Mum?’ said Anna as Jessica dished out the rather bloated pasta bake a few minutes later. ‘What on earth is wrong with your trousers?’
Jessica blushed: ‘I’ve no idea what you mean!’ she said, sitting down abruptly and hearing the unmistakable sound of tearing.
Anna gave her a look which made it absolutely clear what she thought but Jess ignored it – her mind was on her impending blog post and just h
ow much lying she could get away with.
Fit at 30
Five things that make a relationship tick
Now that Dave and I are settled, it’s a great time to reflect on what has made our relationship so strong; especially as we’ve only been together for just over a year. And I’ve put together my top five for you to enjoy!
1. Have a shared passion
Dave and I bond over our time in the gym and enjoy supporting each other’s goals. Being with Dave means I’m more likely to stick to my programme, and that we’re more likely to spend evenings together, working up a sweat!
2. Eat together
Dave tends to get home from work later than I do – usually I collect A from school and finish work in my home office, and it would be tempting to start whipping up a vegan curry or steaming asparagus as soon as I get in the door. But we always make the time to eat together, meaning not only do we stay healthy together, we also spend time talking to each other rather than eating on the run.
3. Laugh together
Dave and I share a sense of humour – and even the moments that have seemed disastrous at the time have become private jokes in our relationship. Like the time I fell off the running machine and shaved the skin from my lower arm (ouch!), or the moment he posted the wrong selfie online and some of his followers laughed at his short shorts.
4. Build a family
For many years, it’s just been me and A, so anyone who comes into our lives has to accept us as a pair. If Dave and A hadn’t got on, or A was unhappy with Dave living with us, it’d have been game over. Thankfully, after a bit of initial awkwardness, they get on like a house on fire. A’s father is very much part of her life, but Dave has become an honorary spare.
5. Work together
Now as Dave works in sales, and I run my own PR firm, you might think this last point is a little odd. But working on something together can be so healthy for a relationship! This is why Dave and I have decided to present the St Augustin’s Academy parent–teacher quiz next week. We’ve been working on the questions and having such fun!
COMMENTS
Love Doctor
What about open communication? For more information on successful relationships visit www.lovemeforever.org
Mrs B
Glad to read that you and Dave are having so much fun together. Seems he’s on the mend! Looking forward to scrummy dindins!
SB
Great post.
D
Confusing post, Jess???? Will call.
LH
Thank you!
Chapter Nineteen
Filming @LittleAccidents @StarPR #LoveMyJob #Exciting!
As Jessica parked in the small bay usually reserved for residents but now marked ‘Little Accidents’, she felt a tiny bit excited about watching the ad being filmed. OK, so it wasn’t the most glamorous of products, but this would be the first campaign that she’d worked on with proper national reach.
She climbed out of the car, brushing the crumbs from her morning cereal bar from her black trousers and looked over to the front of an ordinary-looking new build outside which the camera crew appeared to be gathering.
Her phone beeped with a message from Stu. ‘Can’t believe you’re hanging out with Tamzin Peters!’ it read. ‘Fame and fortune at last. PS: give her my number (don’t tell the wife).’
‘Lol,’ she replied. ‘I’ll put in a good word for you .’ Then she opened up Twitter quickly. ‘So excited to be meeting @TamzinPeters from @Dagenham&Diamante’ she wrote. ‘#LittleAccidents #goodtimes #thisisthelife #soexcited.’
She slipped her phone back into her pocket, still smiling.
The camera crew consisted of two men – one with a camera, the other with an enormous microphone on a pole – as well as several other people with clipboards. Jessica recognised Linda and gave a little wave. Linda spotted her and lifted her hand in recognition.
‘I’m so glad you could come,’ she enthused as Jessica approached. ‘Guys, this is Jessica – she’s working on getting us some additional press coverage.’
‘Hi, Jessica,’ the team chorused, in the kind of bored voice reserved by children to welcome a teacher during school assembly. Good morrrning Miss Bradley!
‘Hi,’ she said, feeling a little overdressed when she realised that everyone except her seemed to be wearing jeans.
‘Tamzin’s just getting her make-up done inside,’ Linda whispered, as if the fact that Tamzin wore anything to enhance her natural beauty was a carefully guarded secret. ‘She’ll be out in a minute.’
‘Is there anything you’d like me to—’
‘No, no! Just nice that you wanted to come. It’ll give you a real feel for the campaign, you know?’ Linda said. ‘It’s going to be a fun morning!’
Just then the front door of the house opened and a tall, slender woman wearing tight, white skinny jeans and a leopard-print top walked out. Her hair hung in loose chocolate-coloured ringlets down her back, her skin was her trademark orange and her lips had apparently been inflated to twice their natural size for the occasion.
Jessica was a bit embarrassed to feel a little frisson of excitement at seeing Tamzin – she’d skimmed through a few episodes of Dagenham and Diamante online last night in preparation, and as far as she could fathom, all Tamzin did on the show was work part-time in the hairdresser’s, dress her two-year-old son in designer gear and maintain an on–off relationship with one of the popular male characters, Connor.
All the same, there was something weird about seeing someone step from screen to reality, and she felt herself blush.
‘Oh Tamzin, you look great,’ Linda gushed, stepping forward.
‘Oh, fank you,’ came the reply. Tamzin’s lips moved briefly from their standard pout to something that might be construed as a smile. ‘I ent sure about the animal stuff though.’ She fingered her satin top uncertainly: ‘It ain’t real lion skin or nuffin’, is it?’
‘No, no, don’t worry. It’s just printed material, like the – you know – the jungle range we’re bringing out.’
‘Oh, awright.’ This seemed to settle Tamzin, who flicked her hair over her shoulder and began to walk towards the crew.
A man stepped forward at this point. ‘Hi,’ he said, sticking his hand out. ‘I’m Kenneth. I’m, er, the director.’
Tamzin looked at his hand, perplexed, before holding it briefly between two of her talon-ended fingers and wobbling it slightly. ‘Awright, Kennef,’ she said.
‘So, are we about ready?’ asked Linda, bringing up the rear.
‘Yeah. But I ent sure about the pants.’
‘Oh but they look great!’ enthused Linda, waving vaguely at the white jeans.
‘Nah, not these. The – you nah – the padded fings, knickers, whatever.’
‘The … the product? The Little Accidents?’
‘Yeah. Cos, you nah, I got white jeans on, innit? So I fort, I won’t put um on. Cos you know, they show fru a bit.’
‘Of course, of course! Don’t worry! We’re just trying to show customers how you can wear the product and still look sexy. Nobody will know what’s under your jeans in the ad, so that’s fine.’ Linda smiled, unperturbed.
Jessica remembered the bulge beneath her own trousers caused by the sequinned version. There was no way this product would work under white, skinny jeans.
‘So,’ continued Linda, ‘if you want to take a seat over there for a moment, we’ll just get things set up.’
‘Sure.’ Tamzin clacked over on her enormous heels and plonked herself in one of two foldable chairs near to where Jessica stood, caught her eye and smiled briefly. ‘Awight? You ent sittin’ ‘ere, are ya?’
‘No, no,’ Jessica smiled.
Tamzin nodded, flicking a strand of glossy hair back in over her shoulder. ‘It’s good to get the weight off,’ she sa
id, pointing at her heels. ‘Fuckin’ shoes.’
‘Yeah.’ Jessica looked down at her own modest heels. She’d tried to wear higher ones occasionally but ended up stumbling around like a newborn gazelle.
‘So,’ she said, unable to help herself. ‘Great product, yeah?’
‘What? Oh, yeah,’ came the reply.
‘And do you …’ Jessica thought of Tamzin’s endorsement. ‘Do you normally wear them? The Little Accidents, I mean?’
‘Wear ’em? Nah. I don’t need ’em really.’
‘Oh, it’s just you said … In the press release?’
‘Oh yeah. Well, my agent said, you know, it would be good for publicity. You know, bein’ a role model or whatever.’
‘So you’ve never worn them?’ Jessica pushed, feeling almost like a detective.
‘Nah. Well, yeah. Sort of. After Rocky was born.’
Rocky was Tamzin’s two-year-old.
‘Ah, OK.’
‘Yeah. I ’ad a few problems. But better nah.’
‘Right.’
‘And I tried ’em a few times. Not lots, no. They sent me some, wiv some baby stuff and I fort, you nah, why not!’
‘Not, the … the sequinned ones?’
‘Fuck no! Sorry. I mean, nah, not really my style. Nappies, innit!’
‘So why …’ Jessica began.
Linda interrupted. ‘Kenneth’s ready,’ she trilled. ‘If you could just come this way, Tamzin.’
Tamzin obediently rose and tottered towards the cameras.
While she’d never worked on such a large campaign, Jessica knew the fine line trodden by celebrity endorsers when it came to products they recommended. The careful language, which meant they didn’t quite lie but didn’t exactly tell the truth either. The fact that an endorsement from someone like Tamzin could send product sales through the roof.
Everything is Fine: The funny, feel-good and uplifting page-turner you won't be able to put down! Page 11
