“The hell is so funny?”
“Nothing … well, that’s not true. It’s just a little funny to see the other side of things.” Destiny shrugged. “Come on,” she ordered, pulling me by the arm into the room and shutting the door behind us.
“Hey, Kayla,” I greeted, waving at the other woman in the room.
Her smile widened as she raised her head. “Hey, Resha. Glad you were able to make it in. Destiny said you weren’t feeling well this morning.”
I nodded. “Just a stomachache. Seemed to get better after I had a little something for breakfast,” I lied. The ache in my abdomen had been happening off and on since the night before but I didn't want to alarm anyone so I didn’t tell Connor about it and I downplayed it to Destiny that morning. Even when the pain increased, I kept hoping that it would just go away. And even while it did subside a little after breakfast, it was still there.
“Oh man, I remember I would be so nauseous if I didn’t eat in the morning during my first trimester,” Kayla groaned, rolling her eyes as if the memory was too much for her.
“I couldn’t keep anything down that first trimester with Kennedy and Kyle. With my second pregnancy, too. My third was a little better but not much.”
“Same here. You all remember I was barely able to make it to the SuperBowl because I was so sick. ”
“Yeah, Tyler played like crap that first half because he was so worried that you hadn’t shown up to the game,” Patience added.
I nodded, recalling that time. Patience had been in the bathroom all morning, throwing up her guts, and even after tossing all of her cookies, she was left dry heaving. I shuddered at just remembering it.
“Thankfully, this pregnancy hasn’t been that bad. I’ve had some food aversions, though, and I swear I want to climb Connor every night like a damn tree. I mean, we obviously were going at it like rabbits before which is how I got in this position in the first place, but now? I just want to jump his bones whenever he walks into a room. Any of you experience that?”
“Yes.”
“Oh my God, yes!”
“Hell yeah.”
They all laughed and agreed.
I laughed along with them, shaking my head. “I had no idea pregnancy did that to women.”
“Sometimes,” Kayla added. “Sometimes pregnancy can have the opposite effect, or no effect at all on sex drive.”
“Yeah, well, I have a theory,” Destiny chimed in.
“Oh Lord, here we go with you and your theories,” I teased.
Giggling, Destiny said, “Hear me out. I think being married or with virile men like the ones we’re married to, or in your case, living with, is the reason our sex drives were catapulted like they are during pregnancy. Something with the hormones and evolution and whatnot.” She shrugged.
I gave her a side-eye. “Whatever, cousin. All I know is I’m tired as hell any other time of the day, but if Connor walks into the room, any room, my libido stands up and says hello!”
We all laughed, high-fiving as we agreed.
“Enough about my sex drive, let’s get on with creating some outfits for these ladies. I hear Lena has a job interview for a paralegal position?” I asked, glancing around the room at the three women.
Patience nodded. “Yes. She completed her paralegal course study a couple of years ago, which she did in secret, mind you. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to start searching for a job until she broke away from her ex.” Patience shook her head, sucking her teeth. “He was a piece of work. Anyway, we were able to help her get her foot in the door with some local agencies and headhunters, and now she actually has two job interviews. She needs some help in her confidence, so we’ve been doing mock interviews with her over the last couple of days and now she needs your fashion sense to bring it all together.”
I clapped my hands, rubbing them together, feeling excited to be able to help in this way. I met Lena a few times before when I’d come to the shelter. She was in her mid-twenties and had a backstory like many of the women who came to the shelter for help.
“What time will she be here?”
“Eleven-thirty. Her interview’s the day after tomorrow.”
I nodded. “Good. We should be able to find her an outfit, and I can give her some makeup and styling tips also.”
I spent the next thirty minutes picking out a couple of outfits for Lena to choose from, as well as giving some tips to a few other women who were staying at the shelter, and in the midst of looking to reinvent their style. Destiny, Patience, Kayla, and I laughed and talked as well, all of the women almost giddy with excitement for Connor and I. Kayla mentioned, more than once, how it would be nice if Connor and I moved into the subdivision where they lived. Glancing over at Destiny, I got the feeling that she’d put Kayla up to telling me about an available property just around the corner from all of them.
“I’ll think about it,” I finally stated once the last woman from the shelter left for the day. “Hey, I need to go to the restroom,” I told the women before we began closing up the shelter’s office for the day.
As soon as I stepped outside of the conference room, my hand went to my stomach while the other one held onto the doorknob to prevent me from doubling over in pain.
“Are you okay, ma’am?”
Startled, I looked up, remembering that Abe, the security Connor hired, had been out here the whole time.
“I-I’m fine. I just need to use the bathroom,” I told him before straightening myself and turning on my heels to head to the restroom in the opposite direction. Once there, I burst into one of the stalls, hoping and silently praying that I was imagining things. That what I was experiencing were normal symptoms, and being a first time expectant mom who was worrying too much.
However, as I sat down on the toilet and saw the red stains on my panties, I realized that I wasn’t making it all up. And that I wasn’t just worrying for nothing at all.
****
“I’m sorry, but you’re having a miscarriage.”
A literal stab to the heart would’ve hurt so much less than those seven words, stated by my gynecologist as I sat on the examination table, after having just had an ultrasound.
“H-H-How can th-that b-be?” I stammered out through quivering lips. I was just there the week before getting an ultrasound. This same doctor had determined I was between six and a half to seven and a half weeks pregnant. Everything had looked good. Yet, there I was sitting in an exam room, being told by the same doctor that my baby was no longer.
“These things happen, sometimes,” she answered in an irritatingly affirming voice. It fell on deaf ears. Everything she said after that seemed to hit me in the chest and bounce right off. I had to ask the same question two and three times because my brain just wasn’t absorbing what she was saying.
“Resha, normally, at your stage in pregnancy, I tell my patients to let the miscarriage run its course.”
“Run its course?”
“To let it happen naturally. The body will do what it needs to do. But given your history of fibroids, I think it might be better for you to get a D&C.”
Grabbing my stomach, I turned away from the doctor. I knew what a D&C was. I had a friend, a fellow blogger, who had a miscarriage a few years ago, and needed to get one.
“I recommend you do one as early as today. I’m going to admit you for inpatient care as well. Just so we can monitor you for twenty-four hours after the procedure. To be on the safe side.”
My head was spinning but I agreed. “Let’s get it over with,” I told her, my voice barely audible.
Doctor Rodriguez gave me some final words before heading out of the room, presumably to make the arrangements for the procedure. Her office was right next door to Williamsport Hospital, so I assumed that was where the surgery would take place.
“Resha?”
My heart sank at hearing Destiny’s voice as she entered the room. Once I saw the blood in the bathroom back at the shelter, I couldn’t hide the truth any longer, an
d I broke down and told Destiny what happened. She held my hand as I made the emergency appointment with Dr. Rodriguez’s office, as well as had come with me, driven by Abe the security guy.
When I lifted my head, the tears I held back overflowed. Destiny rushed into the room, taking me in her arms as I nearly collapsed into the shock and grief of the moment.
“Connor is on his way. I called him to tell him where we were.”
“No, no, no.” I began shaking and crying. “H-He can’t know. I don’t want him here.”
“Resha, he has to know. He’s the baby’s father.”
“There is no more baby,” I cried, covering my face with my hands.
“Oh Resh …” Destiny’s words broke off on a sob as she pulled me into her arms. “It’s going to be okay,” she murmured repeatedly as she stroked my hair and back, consolingly.
I heard the words but couldn’t believe it. Nothing would be okay after this. Not me. Not Connor and I. And certainly not the baby I was carrying. Everything I had hoped for changed in one instant and there was nothing I could do about it.
Chapter Eighteen
Connor
Maybe I should’ve been here, I kept repeating to myself over and over again. Instead of being out trying to be a fucking vigilante, I should’ve been with Resha. I suspected the night before she hadn’t been feeling well, but she hadn’t made a big deal out of it and so neither had I. Although I mentally kicked myself in the ass for going out to that meeting earlier, I told myself that had been for the protection of my family. But she needed me there, with her.
As I rushed through the doors of the hospital, searching for the floor Destiny had told me to meet her on, it took all of my strength not to punch a hole through the fucking wall.
“Destiny!” I yelled, seeing her down the hall when I pushed through the door from the stairwell. I’d had too much pent-up energy to wait for a fucking elevator.
“How is she? Where is she?” I questioned, searching over her head, looking farther down the hall for Resha.
“She’s in that room, waiting for the nurses to come in and prep her for the procedure.”
I squinted. “What procedure? What’s going on?” Destiny hadn’t told me much over the phone. She’d just said that Resha had been in pain and they’d gone to her doctor’s office and that I should meet them there. While on my way, Abe, the security I’d hired, texted me to tell me to head to the fourth floor of the hospital instead. No more information had been given, even when I texted Destiny to ask about Resha and the baby. Resha’s phone had gone to voicemail the three different times I tried calling her.
“I think Resha should be the one to tell you what’s happening. She’s in there.” Destiny’s head tilted in the direction of the door to my right.
I moved to the door, lightly knocking, before turning the knob and entering. “Resha, baby,” I called as I entered the room, seeing her laying on her back in a light blue hospital gown.
She didn’t stir at all. She just kept staring at the ceiling, eyes blinking every so often and her chest rising and falling, indicating that she was breathing. Outside of that, she was so still I would’ve thought she was asleep.
“Resha,” I said again, taking her left hand into both of mine. It felt so cold, I began rubbing it to warm her up as I took a seat in the chair next to her bed.
“What are you doing here?” she finally asked, just above a whisper.
My head sprung backwards, shocked by the question. What am I doing here? Where the hell else am I supposed to be?
“I’m here because you’re here. You and the baby,” I affirmed, reaching to place my hand over her stomach.
Resha’s entire body jumped as she pushed my hand away from her stomach.
“There is no more baby, Connor.” With that statement, she looked directly at me.
I could see the redness of her eyes. She’d been crying, but now no tears fell from her eyes. As if she was all cried out for the time being.
I don’t know which hurt worse—hearing the words she’d just shared, or knowing that she’d been crying and I wasn’t there to comfort her. Both of those thoughts, however, killed something inside of me.
“There is no more baby,” she repeated.
It stung just as much to hear the second time around. But nothing hurt more than her next statement.
“And there’s no more us,” she blurted out.
“What?” I questioned when she pulled her hand from mine.
“You heard me.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“I’m making total sense. We’ve been walking around, living in some sort of fantasy world for months now. The baby pulled us even deeper into that fantasy, allowing us to fall further into the lie that there really was something between the two of us. And now, the baby’s gone and so is the fantasy. We were just two lonely ass people who met one night at a bar in New York, and just so happened to live in the same city.” She shook her head resolutely before continuing.
“Thank you for helping me the night of the attack and with the break-in and everything but I think it’s time we end things. Let’s not delude ourselves any further into thinking this is something it was never meant to be. After this procedure is over and I’m released from the hospital, I’ll be staying with Destiny and Tyler for a little while, and then I’ll either get a new place of my own or stay in a hotel. Either way, you don’t have to feel obligated to keep saving me.” She turned back to stare at the ceiling, her hands clasped, covering her chest.
I stood, to allow myself to fully see her face. It was expressionless. She wouldn’t look me in the eye—just kept concentrating on the ugly popcorn ceiling of the hospital room.
“You could at least look at me after you lie to my fucking face,” I growled.
Her lips pinched and she narrowed her gaze, her eyes rolling over to me. “I’m not lying.”
“Bullshit, Resha.”
“Don’t curse at me. I’m telling you the truth! And we both know it. You’re no longer obligated to take care of me. I’m letting you off the hook. I’m not carrying your child anymore, so you have no more ties to me. You’re free! Go do whatever the hell it was you were doing before we met. Go on! Get out!” she yelled.
I grew angrier, my hands gripping the railing of the bed to keep from shaking her by the shoulders. I recognized the fragile state she was in even if she didn’t.
“Get out I said! Get out!” she yelled continuously as I moved away from the bed. It was only when my hand touched the doorknob that she ceased yelling. “I don’t want you here when I wake up,” she stated firmly before turning to stare up at the ceiling again.
I wasn’t going to make her see reason. Not in the state of mind she was in. And even if I thought I could, a second later, the doorknob that was still in my hand, twisted and I was forced to step back as two nurses entered the room.
“Oh, hello,” the first one said, obviously surprised by my standing there. “Ms. McDonald,” they started, “we’re here to prep you for the D&C …”
I didn’t say anything as the nurses began to explain to Resha what the process for prepping her would entail. I pushed through the door and moved passed Destiny, who looked stunned but didn’t say anything. Needing fresh air, I made a beeline for the stairwell, keeping focused on the exit all the way at the bottom, four flights below, until I pushed through the doors. My lungs burned as I deeply breathed in the cold, winter air.
My baby was gone.
Our baby was gone.
****
Resha
See? I told you. That part of my mind that always seemed to know the right thing to say to make me loathe myself even more was active again. The previous twenty-four hours had kicked my ass, and just when I felt as if I couldn’t get any lower, my mind reminded me that I was here alone, again.
Well, not exactly alone; I remembered Destiny had arrived a little earlier and was now at the nurse’s station checking to see when the doctor would be
in to discharge me. I ached at the reminder of going home with her while I recuperated. Just the idea of living in her home and seeing her and Tyler interacting with their three babies while I’d just lost my own nearly killed me.
Add to that the heartbreak of realizing what Connor and I had wasn’t real, and all I wanted to do was sit in a corner and cry myself to sleep until I never woke up again. But I couldn’t do that. At least, not right now anyway.
Sitting up in the bed, I made sure I had all of my belongings that Destiny had brought to the hospital for me packed up in a duffle bag. We were just waiting for the doctor to come in and give me the okay to leave. I didn’t know whether I wanted the doctor to hurry up or to continue delaying my departure from the hospital. I’d thought getting the actual D&C would be the hardest part of all of this. But I’d been asleep for that. Hadn’t felt the procedure that allowed the doctor to stick a scraping tool into my uterus and remove all of the cells that once were a fetus out of my womb. No, that hadn’t been the hardest part.
The most difficult part of this so far was waking up and not having Connor there to hold my hand. The worst part of losing this baby would be to walk out of the hospital doors to my new reality. Or, what was my old reality. A life without Connor O’Brien and the child we’d conceived together.
I swallowed and wiped a tear from my eye, refusing to let myself go into a full-on meltdown again. I could save that for another time.
“Hey, I just checked at the nurse’s station,” Destiny told me as she knocked and entered the room. She pushed the shoulder-length curls, which I’d gotten redone the week before, back behind my ear. “The doctor should be here soon to sign off on your release.”
I nodded, hating the way her voice was filled with so much tenderness and pain on my behalf. I was starting to understand why, when she’d experienced the loss of her own baby, all those years ago, she’d sent me away after a few days of staying with her, saying she needed time alone. I got it now.
“Here he is,” Destiny said as the door of my hospital room pushed open, assuming it was the doctor. But it wasn’t.
No Coincidence Page 23
