“I don’t think it’s crap. I know a lot of very smart people who go to keggers and frat parties on the weekends. I just don’t enjoy them. I wish I did. It would be nice to be like everyone else.”
“Why would you like to be like everyone else? Why do you keep saying that?”
“I don’t know. It would be nice to be like your Blanche. She seems so happy. She’s just happy, dancing and talking about nonsense with everyone around her. It would be simpler being like everyone else, wouldn’t it?”
“It would be simpler, but I don’t think it would be better. You should stay the way you are. Blanche will never go to missions in Haiti or save another human life. She’ll never make the world a better place. You’ll do all those things.”
I blushed. “You give me far more credit than I deserve. I haven’t done anything, yet, and you never know what the future holds. Blanche may accomplish far more than me in the end. She is young. People grow and change.”
Edward laughed. “It is good to see you, Jane.”
My blush deepened.
“You are shivering. I suck. I stopped you from getting into dry clothes. Go, change. Dry off. I’ve saved you some dinner. Maybe we can talk more while you eat. I would love to see if I can beat you at chess.”
“I would like that very much.”
I went to my room and took off my clothes and dried off. I put on some jeans and an old sweater. I wished I had something pretty to wear. I wished I could find some way to make myself into one of the girls that men noticed, but my wardrobe was as lacking as my beauty. I walked back to the sitting room. Edward was still there. He’d laid the dinner out on the coffee table. It looked delicious. Jenna was an artist. Usually, Jenna cooked simple things for Adele and the staff, but when Edward came back her true gift was revealed. The flaky bacon and mushroom tart in front of me was a work of art.
“How was Yale?” I asked.
“Crowded,” he answered.
“I thought all your friends were there. Do you wish you were there?”
“Not at all. I am sick of my friends. I really wish I was at my townhouse in New York. It is beautiful this time of year. Although, I think here might be better, now.”
“You don’t want to be in New York?”
“Sometimes. It definitely has its moments. I love going to concerts and I love the museums. The architecture is brilliant. Just walking through some neighborhoods is like exploring an art museum. I love the city at night when the lights come on and everything is buzzing. Anything seems possible then.”
“So, you do love it?”
“I do.”
“Is that why you avoid being here?”
Edward pointed to my plate. “Your food is getting cold.”
I took a butter roll, broke it into pieces, and ate it. Edward watched me eat. “My grandmother loves you.”
“That is very sweet,” I said. “I wish I could do more for her. I need to talk to you about her. I’m getting worried that she’s getting much worse.”
“You’re taking good care of her and we can talk about my grandmother in the morning,” he said as he poured me a glass of wine. I had never had wine before. I didn’t like to have my senses addled and I was far too young to drink, but I couldn’t see the harm in a few sips. I took a sip and then another and before I knew it I had finished the glass. The wine warmed me and loosened my tongue.
“Can I ask you a strange question?” I asked, as he poured me another glass.
“I love strange questions.”
“Do you ever hear laughing late at night?”
Edward frowned. “That’s nothing. There’s an old groundskeeper who spends the night here sometimes. Her name is Mrs. Pool. Sometimes she drinks too much and takes to laughing.”
“Really? Why haven’t I ever seen her?”
“She’s a recluse.”
I finished my food and looked up at him. He seemed happy in the warmth of the fire. I had never seen him really happy before. He looked younger when he was happy. He looked his age. I leaned back in my chair and basked in the heat. I stretched out my legs and smiled. The warmth of the fire filled me up so that I felt like a cup brimming with contentment. I poured myself another glass of wine.
“Where’s your Blanche? Won’t she miss you?” I asked.
“She left. She can’t stand small towns. She says they’re boring.”
“She just abandoned you? At Christmas? She didn’t stay long. Won’t you miss her?”
Edward’s smile melted and his typical scowl returned. “I think I can manage without her.”
I thought, maybe, he was being sarcastic, but I wasn’t sure. The wine had gone to my head and I felt a little out of it. The room was spinning and it seemed like Edward was the center of the vortex.
“She’s so gorgeous,” I said.
“There’s more to beauty than a perfect body and a pretty face.”
I laughed so hard I spilled some of my wine. “Really?! Not according to every fashion magazine and movie in existence.”
Edward stood up and moved closer to me. “I shouldn’t have given you wine. I’m sorry about that. You look like you weigh less than a blade of grass. The wine must have gone right to your head. Your cheeks are red. Are you okay?”
I grinned at him like a fool. “I’m fabulous. I’m wonderful. I haven’t had a Christmas tree since I was little. I’m in a beautiful house, a mansion, with a beautiful tree, sure maybe the house is haunted as hell, and I kind of think the devil may be hanging out in the attic, and maybe the house was cursed by a beautiful witch who I really like even though she ate someone’s eyes, but it is still wonderful here and I am even spending the night with the most beautiful guy I have ever seen. I would never have thought that was even possible…” I giggled like a silly girl.
Edward cupped my face with his hand and I melted into his arms. “You are beautiful too, Jane. You know that, don’t you? You are so much more beautiful than Blanche because you are beautiful inside and out.”
I giggled, again, and punched him in the shoulder. “I really like you. We should make-out. I have never made out.”
Edward released me and walked across the room. I collapsed and lay on the sofa. The entire room was spinning around me in a maddening spiral.
Edward came back and handed me a glass of water and an Advil. I took it and looked up into his eyes. He could have done anything he wanted to me, at that moment. All my walls had vanished with the wine.
“I’m going to help you to bed,” Edward said.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you weren’t used to drinking.”
“Yoooo don’ know that.” My speech was ridiculous and slurred. “I could huuve had lozzzzz to drink before. I could be a-a- l-lushshsh for all yooo know.”
“You’re definitely not a lush. It probably doesn’t help that you weigh about as much as a wet rat.”
“Are yooo s-saying I’m t-too skinny?” I asked as he pulled me to my feet. “I’ve always been t-too skinny. My f-foster mom used t’ say I looked like a pole with hair. People always s-say yoooo can never be toooo rich or toooo thin, but I’ve proven them wrong…WRONG! Well on the thin thing at least…I wish I had boobs. Men like boobs.”
“Wow. You are really drunk. You are fine. You look perfect.”
I put my arm around Edward’s waist and he walked me to my room. I loved feeling him near me. I looked at his neck. It is strange, the things you notice when you really study someone. He had a beautiful neck. I even loved the shape of his Adam’s apple. He helped me to my bed and I collapsed.
“Did you know that your family was cursed?” I asked as I looked up at him.
“What?” he asked.
“I found these letters. They were tattered and torn and worn down with time, but they were lovely. I mounted them on special
paper so time couldn’t damage them anymore, and then I read them. A woman named Liliana loved one of your ancestors, but fate kept them apart, so she cursed your family forever. Did you know that? She sold her soul to the devil and she thought that she made your ancestor out of her own blood. You don’t even have a soul. That is what the letters say.”
Edward was silent. He reached down and touched my cheek. I grabbed his hand and held it for a minute. “Do you believe your family is cursed? Is that why all the girls you date die? Do you think the curse kills any girl you love?”
Edward pulled the covers over me. “My parents believed it. That was all that mattered. My grandmother still believes it.”
“But you don’t believe it?”
“It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“How can it not matter?”
“Because my grandmother says that the curse has ended and that I am free of it.”
I let go of his hand and fell asleep almost immediately.
Chapter 3
Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
~ Emily Bronte
I stayed in my room for a long time the next morning. I remembered just enough of the previous night to be too embarrassed to want to see Edward again. I had to decide how to interact with Edward. I knew my feelings for him and the wine had made me say and do things I would never have done in any other circumstances. I wished I could take back the night before, but it was too late for that. I decided to apologize for my behavior to Edward, if I saw him, and give him the letters. I didn’t assume I would see him. He had already spoken with his grandmother and Blanche was gone, so there was no reason for him to stay.
Mrs. Fairfax was in the front parlor decorating another Christmas tree and singing carols very loudly. She was covering the tree in small glass balls. The tree was already lit up and strands of popcorn hung from the branches. She sang Silent Night.
“Another tree?” I asked.
“Oh yes,” she answered. “Edward is staying through the New Year. He wants to celebrate the holidays here.”
I put my hand over my mouth to cover the smile that I couldn’t suppress. “Will his friends be here with him?”
“No,” Mrs. Fairfax answered. “It’s a bit odd, he’s never stayed here for so long before, but I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. It will be wonderful for Miss Adele to be with family during the holidays. She hasn’t really been with family since her son died.”
“When did he die?” I asked.
“He died a few years ago. He killed himself after his wife died. He couldn’t handle her death. Funny thing. For years the two couldn’t stand each other. They fought like cats and dogs and he cheated. Finally, they began to get along and she died. He killed himself two months later. It is a sad story. I think that is why Edward can be so mean sometimes.”
“How did Edward’s mother die?”
“We don’t like to talk about that,” Mrs. Fairfax said curtly. I wanted to comment that it was odd that open discussion of a suicide and cheating was absolutely fine, but whatever killed Edward’s mother was off limits. I bit my tongue. I had stepped over enough lines in the last twenty-four hours.
Mrs. Fairfax returned to her singing and I wandered off. My faith in facts above superstition was beginning to dwindle. I tried to tell myself that ghosts and superstition were nonsense. There was no curse. All the death that surrounded the Rochester family was pure coincidence, but the evidence was piling up. I scratched my arm. My tattoo was beginning to spread, again, and it was beginning to itch. The strangest creatures crept down my arm. Strange monsters with tentacles and horns danced together. The monsters weren’t all ugly. Some were beautiful, but I didn’t want them on me and their cold yellow eyes were beginning to give me nightmares. It was becoming harder to hide my tattoos and harder to convince myself that Helen was wrong. Every woman that came near a Rochester died. I could be next if I kept allowing myself to get closer to Edward. I should go. I should find a doctor and have him look at my back. But I wouldn’t do any of those things. Even knowing that Edward was hollow and deadly, I was like a moth drawn to his flame. I couldn’t stop myself.
I ran upstairs and tied my hair back, leaving a few curls to dangle in front of my face. I put on my nicest sweater, although it wasn’t as nice as I would have liked, and I even put on a little lipstick. I smiled at myself in the mirror, but my smile quickly melted into a frown. Who was I kidding? The face that stared back at me was utterly ordinary. Even with the lipstick, I was drab. I was like a big brown shoe. I looked like a scrawny child playing dress up. I shook my head and reminded myself that Edward was dating Blanche. I reminded myself that I was plain and that men like Edward never noticed girls like me. I had no shape to my figure. I was slim and flat chested. To make things worse, I was utterly boring. I had never been anywhere or seen anything. All I knew of life I had learned from books. Not to mention the fact that I had gotten so drunk I had asked to make out with him the night before and his response had been to toss me in my bed and tell me to sober up. I wanted to punch myself.
Edward, on the other hand, was three years my senior. He had traveled and seen the world. He’d been with Blanche, who was gorgeous with a perfect body. He was rich and intelligent and completely beautiful. Guys like that didn’t fall in love with girls like me. I knew that. I told myself that, even if Edward was cursed, I was safe. He would never love me, so I had nothing to fear.
I decided to take a walk to clear my head. The fresh air always did me good. I pulled on my big brown jacket and went out into the winter air. It was so cold, a light frost covered everything. The cold didn’t faze me. I had my big boots on and my coat was more than warm enough. I trudged down the main driveway through the campus and into town. It was eerily quiet. Christmas lights and garlands decorated the quaint little main street, but the people were conspicuously absent. The little town almost ceased to function when the students were gone. I walked into a little coffee shop where I used to meet Sinjun, Sara, and Mary. I sat for a while drinking my coffee and trying to convince myself that I had to let go of my unrealistic dreams. I had to focus on what was real. I had to focus on school and put dreams of romance from my mind.
I walked back out into the cold, convinced I had succeeded in setting my mind straight. I thought about the classes I would take in the spring and the things I would do with the pre-med club. I was so lost in thought, I didn’t even notice where I was walking. I just walked. I walked until I realized I was back at the stables. James was there, feeding the horses and talking to them. He had one horse saddled. James noticed me come in and smiled his creepy smile at me. I preferred the ghosts to his creepy smile.
James stopped feeding the horse and walked toward me. “You look nice,” he said. He got so close I could feel his breath on my cheek. I tried to back away, but I had somehow backed myself into a corner.
“I don’t look nice,” I argued. “I look like a wet rat in a big coat.”
James unzipped my jacket and moved in even closer if that was possible. His chest pressed against my breasts, and I was suddenly paralyzed. I couldn’t move or breathe.
“Why haven’t we hooked up?” he whispered into my ear.
“Y-you’re making me uncomfortable. Please, let me go.”
He laughed and squeezed my breast.
“What the hell are you doing, James?” Rage filled Edward’s voice. I had never been so grateful to hear someone angry before in my life.
“Just making plans for later,” James was still staring at me.
Edward grabbed James by the arm and threw him across the stables. I zipped my coat back up. I felt like one of those stupid, helpless girls from all the movies I hated. Why hadn’t I punched James? Why had I needed Edward to save me? Tears burned in my eyes. James was on the ground and Edward hit him, hard.
James laughed at Edward. “Sorry. I didn’t realize y
ou were hitting that.” I blushed when I realized that I was ‘that.’
Edward hit him again. “You are fired. Get the hell out, before I kill you.”
James stood up and wiped the blood from his nose. “Your loss, little Jane. You don’t know what you’re missing.” James made an obscene gesture in my direction and then turned to Edward. “Good luck finding anyone who’s willing to work in this horror show on short notice. Don’t blame me if your damn horses starve.” James stormed away.
I covered my face in shame. I had completely frozen like a coward. I hadn’t done anything. I was still crying. I felt stupid and weak. I felt Edward’s arms around me.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “I’m sorry. I had no idea he was such an asshole.”
I squirmed out of Edward’s arms. “I’m fine!” I yelled in a sudden fit of rage. “I have never felt so stupid in my life.”
“Why?” Edward asked.
“I should have fought back.” I wept.
“You were shocked. He weighs sixty pounds more than you. What could have you done?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. Anything. You must think I am a complete idiot. I got drunk and humiliated myself in front of you last night and now you find me letting some jerk fondle me in a stable.”
“I don’t think you’re an idiot! I think you’re wonderful!” Edward seemed surprised for once. He looked like he didn’t know what to do. I had never seen him like this.
“Seriously?” I asked. “You think I’m wonderful?”
“Would you like to go for a ride?”
I nodded. “I would love to.”
Edward saddled the horses for us and I pulled myself together while I watched him work. He helped me into the saddle, again. I felt more at ease this time. I knew the horse, Bella, from my first time out with Edward, and I knew she wouldn’t hurt me. The ride was pleasant. The horse’s feet crunched over dead leaves and frost as we walked. The sun warmed our backs and the world around us. We didn’t talk about anything important. We talked about books and art and movies. He told me about London and his tour of the haunted London Tower. He also told me about Paris and Rome, and it was like I was going there myself. He spoke with such clarity that I could see the places in my mind’s eye and imagined myself standing with him at the top of Notre Dame or on the road to Pere Lachaise.
Jane of Fire Page 2
