In secret pleasure-secret tears this changeful life has slipped away.
~ Emily Bronte
We fell asleep in front of the fire in the study. We’d stayed up so late that we just lay down together on the floor and passed out. I woke up in his arms. The fire had gone out and a cold draft pulled me from my slumber. I got up carefully. I didn’t want to wake Edward. He was sleeping so peacefully. I thought, if I could find a sweater or the thermostat I could probably crawl back into his arms and fall back to sleep. I walked into the hall. Miss Adele was standing there, in the moonlight that filtered in through the window. She was wearing a thin slip. She almost appeared to be a ghost, herself. She was so thin and so pale, it was hard to even visualize her as something living.
She turned to me with a ferocity I had never known in the old woman. Her face was twisted with disgust and rage. She was like an animal. She didn’t even seem human. “What did you do!!!??” she shrieked like something hell spat up. She lunged at me. For a moment, I stepped back. Fear took me and I avoided her, but she stumbled and I came to my senses.
I caught her and held onto her gently as she beat on me with her tiny little fists.
“Oh God?” she wailed. “You did this! We did this! The door is opening. HE IS COMING! THEY ARE COMING!”
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t let her go. I tried to get her back into her room, but she was so angry and I was afraid I would hurt her.
“The old ones are coming!” she yelled.
Edward emerged from the study and pulled his grandmother from my arms. He picked her up like she was nothing more than a small child. He weathered her fists and her curses and carried her back to her bed. I made her the drugged tea while Edward held her down.
“Why? Why? Edward why? All these years! All these years and now it will all burn! Why?!” Her screams crescendoed and became almost deafening. She broke free from Edward’s embrace and began to claw at her face. “Oh God! It is horrible. It is not beautiful. I thought it would be beautiful.”
I was able to give her the tea, but it was difficult. For what seemed like forever, she continued fighting and struggling and yelling about red ladies and fire. Her howls combined with the howling of the wind outside to make a cacophony that was loud enough to silence a bomb. She finally collapsed on the bed. Edward and I looked at each other with concerned alarm.
“She needs to go to a home,” he said finally.
“I know,” I answered.
“I always promised her I would never send her to a place like that.”
“I know, but she’s a danger to herself here. It’s been like this, every night for a long time. What if she gets up and we don’t catch her? What if she falls down the stairs or something?”
Edward nodded. “My mother never liked me very much. She always said I reminded her of my father. It was my grandmother who raised me.”
“Look at her face,” I whispered. I took a cloth, dampened it with some water, and gently cleaned her self-inflicted cuts.
“I should have visited her more,” he whispered brokenly, “but there were so many ghosts here. So many bad things have happened in the shadows of Thornfield Hall. She wouldn’t leave here and I couldn’t stay.”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “She’s sleeping now. We should get some rest.”
Chapter 13
The Shadows are as important as the light.
~ Charlotte Bronte
In the morning, the nurse helped us find a place for Edward’s grandmother. It was the nicest nursing home around. It was like a luxury resort, but she still wept bitterly as she was taken from Thornfield. She cried and gnashed her teeth like a woman being torn from her child. She cried out for her husband as she was taken. She cried out for him as we got her settled into her new room. There was no easy way to leave her, so the staff sedated her again.
We didn’t talk much on the way back to Thornfield. The snow continued to fall. It blanketed the valley in silence. Edward and I went to a movie that night. We laughed and found a way to escape the shadows. We were happy.
Christmas break passed too quickly. It seemed like a dream to me. I felt like I was walking through the pages of a book. Every day Edward and I were together. He looked at me like I was the most special person in the world. Every moment with him was part of something I couldn’t believe was real. This was not my life. This was a childhood dream of what life should be. It was like a Disney movie, where even a girl like me could grow up to be a princess. He flew me to New York and we went to the opera. He walked me through the MOMA and took me to DC to see the National Galleries and the Smithsonian. He showed me all the sights that he knew I would love because I was a dork and liked cultural stuff. He liked to tease me about that and at night he kissed me and told me he loved me. He told me I was beautiful and laughed when I blushed and protested.
“But you are beautiful,” he would say. “You try to hide it behind baggy clothes, but even if you were wearing a burlap sack, you would still be the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.”
Some nights our kisses would linger and his hands would run up and down my shoulders and back. A part of me wanted to go all the way. But then I’d think about him seeing my tattoo and I would pull back a little and smile shyly and tell him I wasn’t ready. He always respected my boundaries. He would kiss my forehead and we would fall asleep in each other’s arms. Sometimes, I would stay awake and watch the silhouette of his face in the moonlight. I would trace the curve of his lips with my fingers and study the way they parted as he slept. He was so beautiful and so perfect. I kept waiting for someone to pinch me so I could wake up from my dream.
When Edward and I returned from our trip, we went to see Miss Adele. She actually seemed better in the nursing home. She had been eating and had put on some weight. The color had returned to her cheeks and she smiled when she saw us. She still didn’t make much sense when she spoke and would jump around from topic to top, speaking in snatches of conversation. Mostly, she talked about ghosts and Thornfield Hall, as well as a considerable amount of time about her bowel movements. But she seemed healthy and well cared for. She even had a gentleman friend, who smiled at her and hung around outside her room, waiting for her to join him for lunch. I was happy to know she was in a better place.
I knew that Christmas break couldn’t last. I knew the dream had to die, but it didn’t make it any easier when reality came bursting through my door. The weekend before I returned to classes the full-time staff returned to Thornfield Hall. The house was bustling again and the quiet solitude that had cocooned Edward and me was gone. We had to face real life, again, and we were both somewhat befuddled by it. The quiet cold of the stormy winter had left. The snow melted and the sun came out and Edward and I had to go back to school.
Mrs. Fairfax was the first one to confront me with a harsh truth. I found her in the kitchen. She was checking the food stores and I was getting a glass of juice. I smiled at her and wished her a good morning.
“What will your plans be now, Jane?” she asked kindly.
“What do you mean?” I answered.
“Miss Adele is gone and you’re no longer taking care of her. We have loved having you here. You are going to need to find a new place to stay and a new source of income soon, I would imagine.”
I was stunned. I hadn’t even thought of that. I had been so lost in Edward, I hadn’t thought about the nature of my situation.
Mrs. Fairfax’s voice lowered to a whisper: “You are a wonderful girl. I’m only thinking of your best interests. I know you have something going on here with Edward and I know I’m too late to stop Edward from taking your virtue, but if you stay here receiving a paycheck and room and board, what would that make you?”
I was temporarily stunned. First of all, who said things like taking your virtue anymore? Secondly, I hadn’t even thought of how it would look if I let Edward keep paying me when everyone was assu
ming I was sleeping with him. This hadn’t crossed my mind. The reality of what people must be thinking of me was like a blow to the chest. “Oh,” I said “No! We haven’t done anything…I’ll get my own place and another job once school starts. Edward and I are just dating. That’s all. I’m not doing anything…Well, you know. I think he just forgot to stop the paychecks. He’s my boyfriend. That’s all.”
Mrs. Fairfax’s face went a little white. She put her hand over her mouth. “Please, don’t get involved with Edward. You are such a nice girl.”
“Thank you,” I said. “But I can handle myself. I have been on my own for longer than you know and I am not stupid.”
“Well,” Mrs. Fairfax whispered, “be warned. Despite his age, Edward is a man of the world. Be careful, my dear. So many pretty girls pass through our doors. I would hate for you to be just another Blanche, cast aside when he meets another girl.”
I hadn’t thought of Blanche that way. She was beautiful and silly and I had never thought of her suffering heartbreak on my account. I felt a little guilty. The guilt passed quickly as a new emotion pushed its way through. She said that many girls had come and gone. What if I was just one of many? What if this was just how Edward passed his time? What if the curse had left with me because he didn’t actually love me, at all? My eyes filled with tears and my face flushed with anxiety.
Mrs. Fairfax put her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t cry, my dear,” Mrs. Fairfax said gently. “I’m sure his feelings for you are genuine. I just worry about you.” She sighed deeply. “Look, I’ve known Edward since he was a boy. I still remember his first love. She was more beautiful than any Hollywood actress. All of his girlfriends have been stunning, but quite superficial. It was always surprising to me that Edward would be attracted to them. Even though they were beautiful, what on Earth could they talk about or have in common? But you are so different. I don’t want you to be hurt like he hurt all the others. You are such a nice girl and you are so smart. Your life is only just beginning. You have so much to look forward to that has nothing to do with boys.”
I smiled at Mrs. Fairfax.. I hugged her. She seemed a bit surprised, but she hugged me back. I cried on her shoulder and she just held me. She stroked my back and said, “There, there.”
“You can stay on here if you like,” Mrs. Fairfax said, softly. “I could find you another job around here. You could be the house historian. Edward showed me the letters you preserved. You did a wonderful job. So much of the history of this old house is rotting in the attic. We could pay you to go through the things in the attic? You will not be cast out.”
I smiled. “That sounds wonderful, but you should know that I’ll still be dating Edward.”
“Of course, darling.”
I walked away in a daze. It was bright and sunny outside and the sun streamed in through the windows, blinding me. I walked into the study and found Edward sitting on the floor reading in the dazzling sunlight. I could have just stood there watching him forever, but he looked up and smiled.
“What’s wrong?” he asked when he saw my face.
“I just heard some rumors,” I said.
Edward’s face hardened to the scowl I had known so well in my first few months with him. “What rumors?”
“I heard that you’ve had a lot of girlfriends.”
“My past doesn’t matter.”
“Am I just another girl? Will your feelings melt away when winter turns to spring?”
Edward stood up and pulled me into his arms. He was so strong and I wanted to bury myself in his arms. “I went through many girls because they were all the wrong girls. You aren’t the wrong girl. You are perfect.”
“What about your Bertha?”
Edward’s scowl deepened. “What about her?”
“You loved her.”
“I don’t want to talk about her. All you need to know is that I love you and I will always love you.”
I wanted to push and ask more questions, but I sensed I had crossed a line. I looked up at Edward. I looked up into his turbulent eyes and realized that there was a part of him he would never let me know, just like there was a part of Thornfield Hall that was hidden from me. Edward and the house were so much alike. They were haunted by old curses and dark ghosts, and both things terrified me just a little. They called to me from the darkness and I couldn’t avoid them, but I was afraid of the shadows. I was afraid of the dark thing that had driven Helen away from me.
Chapter 14
The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.
~ H. P. Lovecraft
I woke up alone in Edward’s bedroom. Edward was gone. The fire in the fireplace had died out and the cold darkness embraced me like a cloak. I pulled the covers up and tried to go back to sleep, but it was impossible. I turned on the bedside lamp and got up. I grabbed a sweater and threw it on over me, but the cold seeped through it like water. I wandered down the hall and into the dark, looking for Edward.
The laughter came like it always did. It surrounded me and filled me with a familiar dread. I closed my eyes. I quoted Shakespeare in my head. By the pricking of my thumbs. Something wicked this way comes.
I cried out for Edward. I called out with all the strength I had in my body. But there was something different about the laughter. It attacked me. It was malevolent. Suddenly, the laughter stopped and there was only quiet and darkness. A small voice crept out of the silence like the hiss of a dying snake. “He is lying.” The voice faded and I was left shivering in the dark.
Edward found me standing in the darkness, crying. He wrapped his arms around me, put a blanket over my shoulders, and walked me back to his room. I clung to his warmth. I buried my face in his chest and drank in his scent.
“Where were you?” I whispered.
I looked up at him and his face was creased with worry. “I was here,” he answered. “I woke up and you were gone. I heard you crying.”
I shook my head. “No,” I said. “You were gone. I woke up and you were gone. I was alone.”
“Where would I have gone?” he asked. “I never left the bed. I was always here. You must have been dreaming. Maybe you were sleepwalking?”
He tucked me into bed and climbed in beside me. He held me close. I could hear the gentle thump of his heart through his shirt. Outside the window, the wind whispered. The moon cast strange shadows on Edward’s face.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
I nodded, but I wasn’t all right. I was afraid. For the first time since I had entered Thornfield Hall, I began to feel the true nature of the darkness that lived in the shadows of this place that I loved most in the world. I felt death and horror and decay so old that the very bricks of Thornfield were young by comparison. And I knew the darkness was telling me the truth when it said that Edward was lying.
Chapter 15
For even in the greatest of horrors irony is seldom absent.
~ H.P. Lovecraft
My second-semester class load proved to be even more daunting than my first. Physics and Microbiology, alone, were enough to turn my hair gray, but add Vertebrate Reproduction and Human Physiology to the mix and I knew I probably wouldn’t be sleeping much. My medical mission group met that evening and Sinjun and the girls were all a-flutter. Our mission had gotten a grant, which meant we had full funding to go to Haiti and work all summer.
“This is my last summer before I start med school,” Sinjun said with a huge smile. “This will be perfect. I get one last trip before I’m drowning.”
Mary laughed. “It is completely sad that spending the summer helping the poverty-stricken Haitians with medical care is your idea of a vacation before medical school.”
Sinjun rolled his eyes at Mary. “What are you doing for your last summer?”
“Next summer, after I graduate, I’m going to the Bahamas. I’m going to work on my tan and find the love of my life, o
r at least a fun fling.”
Sara smiled. “I’m with you. Haiti is not where I’m spending my last summer before medical school. You’re hardcore, Sinjun. Nothing but work and good deeds for you. Have you ever even had a real vacation?”
“Of course I have. My parents took me to Disney World when I was ten,” he said.
Mary laughed again. “Really. That was your last vacation?”
“I went to Interlochen summer art camp, three years in a row, to perfect my violin. I had a great time.”
“You’re a lost cause,” Sara said with an impish grin. “Help us out here, Jane. Tell Sinjun he’s lost. What are you doing with your last summer before medical school?”
“I’m only a Freshman. I haven’t even thought that far ahead, yet.”
“So, what was your last vacation?” she asked.
“My boyfriend took me to New York to see the opera over Christmas break.”
Mary jumped up. “Are you kidding me?” she exclaimed. “You have a boyfriend? Why haven’t I heard about this? Who are you dating?”
“His name is Edward Rochester.”
“Holy Shit on a Cracker,” Sara said. “Are you kidding me? Can you pay for my medical school? I’m looking for a wealthy benefactor.”
Mary hit Sara on the arm. “Don’t be rude. She can’t help you because she’s helping me.”
I looked over at Sinjun. He seemed to be frowning. “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend,” he said suddenly.
I didn’t answer him. The question seemed loaded and I wasn’t sure what the proper response was. He picked up a stack of papers. “We should get back to work. We’ll need to make sure we get all our shots before we go. Jane, do you think you could look into getting more donations for eyeglasses? There’s always a big need for glasses on these types of trips.”
“Sure thing,” I said.
He turned back to his work and I went back to mine. Sara and Mary laughed and chatted on about their perfect dream vacations. They teased me about my rich fiancé and asked me if I would pay for their vacations. It seemed like any other meeting we might have, but Sinjun was quiet and I felt that quiet like a wall between us.
Jane of Fire Page 6
