Rage boils inside and I shoot to my feet, needing to defend myself. “You think I did this on purpose? You think I fucking wanted this Charlette? Fuck, you’re sicker than I thought!”
Her jaw clenches tight because shit, even I know that is a low blow. I know she was just put on anti-depressants a few weeks back. The baby fucking blues they call them. Well hell, if she can blame me maybe there is a piece of her that can be fucking condemned as well. After all, the only reason I was sitting with Emma when Charlette normally did was because my wife was too damn incapable that night as her demons threatened to swallow her whole. As they slowly started tearing this family apart again as she gave into them, let them haunt her mind and steal her away from us when we both needed her.
“I might be dealing with some shit, shit you don’t understand, but that doesn’t mean I would ever, EVER, do anything that would harm my child!”
“Oh and I would!” I shout, coming toe to toe with her on the tile. “She was my daughter too, Charlette. My little girl. Don’t you for one fucking second think I wouldn’t take her damn place if I could.”
She backs away from me and squares her shoulders. Looking me in the eye, she whispers. “I wish you fucking would. Maybe then I’d find some salvation, some fucking deliverance, from all of this, from everything you’ve done.”
Turning, she walks out of the kitchen and down the hall. When she reaches the door to our room I see her pause, stand still as the shadows grow and the darkness consumes her. Looking to the right, her eyes fall on the pink room that used to hold our life in its hands. I see her shoulders quake. I see her body shiver. I hear her cry seconds before she runs into the room and immediately begins to destroy it.
Glass shatters as her tears fall and her screams fill the house around me. I hear the sound of fabric ripping. The thunder of objects being thrown up against walls. And all I can do, all I can manage, is to breathe. To stand still, frozen in time, wondering how in the hell I will ever get through this. How we will get through this!
How can you ever go back to life when you’ve already stopped living?
Turning, I walk to the back door of our house and kick open the screen. Grabbing a beer from a nearby cooler someone left after today’s sickening events, I take the few steps down the porch and into our back yard. Reaching the clearing behind our property, I keep walking as my wife’s screams get louder and I find sick relief for the first time today in leaving them behind. Leaving it all behind and finally taking a damn moment to try and get my head right.
I laid her to sleep on her back right? I shake my head as tears threaten my eyes.
I can’t save Charlette. Not now. Not when I couldn’t save Emma. Not when I can’t save myself. Not today. Maybe not ever. One day, possibly, but this time, I just don’t fucking have it in me to try.
Chapter 13
Rose
“All I am saying is, it is damn good to see you again, Lady!” Erica says as we settle into our seats in the back corner of a little café on Main Street. I reach over and buckle Olivia into her highchair as Erica helps break up the lemon loaf I ordered for the two kids and proceeds to lay a napkin down to give some to Liam.
“I am sorry for…” I begin to explain again for the millionth time since I called her Friday night. Once again my attempt at some lame ass explanation, trying to come up with words for why I completely went MIA all those months ago, isn’t easy, but I know I owe her an apology a million times over. She was my best friend, and I let myself lose her when I needed her the most, all because of completely selfish reasons.
“Stop it,” she insists. “I forgave you the moment I saw your name light up my phone. Besides, with best friends you’re always more like family, right? And family doesn’t forget about one another, hold grudges, or back stab each other when the other one is down.” I close my eyes and think about Michael’s mother. If only my best friend knew the whole truth, something I am not ready to tell her. But at least I have Erica with me, now that is, and I was a stupid grieving widow for ever letting that go, even when everyone else that should’ve cared turned their back on Liam, Olivia and I as well.
“Thanks E, I appreciate that more than you know,” I say quietly giving her a sad smile when she looks up.
Olivia fuses in her chair and I quickly reach into the diaper bag and pull out her bottle. Handing it to her, she grabs onto it instantly and tries to lift the heavy object to her mouth. I help her a little as Erica continues.
“I know you made me promise not to talk about it Rose,” she says with caution. “But I am here for you. I was always here for you. I don’t want you turning and secluding yourself again. Shutting off from the rest of the world when there are a lot of us that want to help you.”
“I know,” I whisper, as I watch Olivia drink her bottle. The milk is now running out of her mouth and down the sides of her plump cheeks. “I’m sorr..”
She kicks me under the table which causes me to jump and lean down and rub my shin. “What was that for?” I scold her, before looking over at Liam, although I know damn well what it was for.
“Remember, no apologies!” She gives me a wink before rising and taking the bottle from my hands. “Now let me hold my little niece, because you know damn well this girl is going to call me Auntie E, and there is nothing your ass can do about it!”
“Language!” I laugh, as I look again at Liam before she raises Olivia out of her highchair and cradles her in her arms. I watch as she holds her protectively and coos at my little girl when Olivia releases the bottle from her tiny grasp and starts to play with my old friend. A smile spreads across my face because I needed this. We needed this. Friends who are more like family to help ease the pain the world has so heavily laid on my shoulders.
“So, how’s work?” I ask, as I pick up my coffee and take a sip.
Erica rolls her eyes and huffs, causing the child in her arms to look up startled, but my friend hides her frustration with a smile and talks to Olivia in a sweet child’s voice all the time filling me in on her annoyance.
“Well, if Auntie E can just push past the worst writer’s block in the history of the whole damn world…”
“Language!”
“Then Auntie E would have a novel to turn into her publisher by deadline.” She takes the bottle out of the little girl’s mouth and sets it on the table. Bouncing Olivia on her knee, she continues, “A deadline that is in two damn weeks!” She playfully says causing Olivia to giggle as milk spills out of her mouth onto her bib around her neck.
Olivia smiles up at her for all of two seconds longer as she is bumped up and down before unloading half of the bottle she drank on Erica’s knee as a burp comes up. I laugh as Karma is always the best secret weapon. Serves her right for not watching her language like I told her to.
Reaching into the diaper bag I pull out a few wipes and hand them over as a chuckle escapes me. “You’re lucky you’re cute, Munchkin,” Erica says as she holds her gently against her chest and continues to wipe at her knee. “My ability to not upchuck at the sight of this crap has been perfected over the years. But I am not changing any damn diapers.”
So much for karma and the language.
Erica is a writer. Has been for as long as I can remember. At least an aspiring one before, you could say. But she hit it big a few years back with a New York Times Best Seller. Unfortunately, that was also when her marriage took a dive. Her success only spoiled it more as her name climbed up the charts and her husband’s heart grew colder. Her husband, a struggling self-employed mechanic who couldn’t take her success and soon the fighting between the two of them only got worse. When I got pregnant with Liam, she decided maybe a baby would fix it, fix them, like sometimes most women believe. It worked for all of two months, before she lost the child in a miscarriage and her husband grew more hostile at her depression that followed causing them to eventually split up, and leaving Erica with a hole inside her I am not sure anyone could ever fix.
But the moment the thoug
ht comes to mind, a person who is completely not fixable, I think of Justin, and if there is hope for someone like me, I know there has to be hope for her.
Erica moved away after the divorce and doesn’t usually come home. Another reason I never worried I’d bump into her in town when I was avoiding everyone like the plague these last few months. And a fact that is even more surprising when she agreed to meet me for coffee this Saturday. Her ex still has a shop he barely can afford to run in downtown, and I know she tries her hardest to stay away and never go anywhere near the man she loved who broke her in ways I didn’t even know she could break. Especially when she has always been one of the strongest women I have ever been blessed to know.
“So,” Erica prods, “You’re working now. What is that like?”
The door chimes up front as I try and think of the best way to respond. Do I tell her about Justin? Would she judge me? Would she ask too many questions? Would she worry, like a best friend would, that I am in way over my head and going under, drowning in a fate I don’t yet understand? The thoughts invade my mind before the voice takes over.
Of course she would judge you! Who wouldn’t! Besides, do you really think you could tell her everything you feel and not have her judge you? What you think about at night! What you crave as you lay in bed all alone? A woman with thoughts like yours, they’re the biggest sinners of all! They don’t deserve salvation, acceptance. Especially from those they love most.
I close my eyes and try and come back to reality just as I feel Liam fly out of his seat. His distraction is perfect timing, and something I needed more than anything right now as my eyes flash open and the damn demons inside me are silenced once again.
“Justin!” I hear him squeal as he takes off towards the front door. My heart rate picks up as I focus on my son’s back before raising my eyes and staring straight at the damn near heavenly presence of the one man I can’t seem to escape.
“Hey, Buddy!” I hear his voice say as it washes over me and sends goosebumps down my spine. He picks Liam up in the air and gives him a spin before setting him down and locking eyes with me. Giving me a shy smile before turning back to my son, I notice a figure behind him and raise my stare. A man I have never met before looks back at me and smiles. And even though I don’t know him, even though I have never met him before in my life, I get the same sort or comforting protector vibe rolling off of him that I have only felt a few times in my life. Has to be military.
He gives me a knowing nod, that makes me wonder just what that gesture was all about for all of two seconds before my gaze falls back on Liam and the fact that he is pulling Justin over to our table. “Justin, come say ‘hi’ to Mommy and Auntie E!” At the mention of her name, my best friend kicks me again under the table. This time harder than before, which makes me wince in pain and turn back to her quickly.
If “what the fuck” could be a look, it just was born, as Erica stares at me wondering why in the hell I haven’t brought up just who is approaching our table before. I look down and see Olivia has fallen asleep on my friend and smile thankful for her peaceful slumber before glancing back up and shrugging. There is no time to explain now, but Lord help me when he leaves because the woman in front of me will want answers and she’ll stop at nothing to get them.
“Hey Sunshine,” Justin says, pulling me from my awkward stare across the table at Erica. My body shivers at the mention of the name he’s given me and I blush before smiling instinctively as he reaches my side.
“Morning,” I manage, before looking up at his strong, broad, gorgeously handsome frame and melting into a puddle at his feet. “How’s your weekend?” I find myself stammering as I pick up my coffee cup and take a sip to keep myself from saying anything stupid. My heart hammers as I stare up at his smile before I quickly begin chastising myself at the memories of yesterday that come flooding back when he held me in the middle of the office with the whole world watching and didn’t give a care in the world who saw.
“Good,” he grins down at me as Liam hangs on his arm and sways back and forth, determined not to let him go. “I had a friend stop through town to stay with me and say ‘hello.’ Troy,” he says as he gestures back to his friend behind him. “This is Rose.”
His friend extends his hand and I look down and notice a wedding ring. Wondering where his wife might be, and if she came to visit too, I look behind him as I take his hand and shake it. “Nice to meet you Troy. This is my friend Erica.” I quickly respond and gesture towards her across the table.
Greetings are exchanged but the sounds of their voices muffle together as the nearness of him clouds all my senses. All but the ones screaming to touch him, feel him, tell him how bad I need him and have to know just what Friday’s exchange meant in the office.
“So, Justin,” I hear Erica say across the table snapping me from my trance. “How do you know Rose?”
My heart hammers in my chest at the thought of how he will respond. I look up nervous but grab a hold of the calmness in his eyes as they settle on me and keep me still, peaceful, calm. “We work together,” he responds, never taking his eyes off my own. “Our office couldn’t run without her.”
My eyes sheepishly look to the floor as a smile once again spreads across my face. “And,” I hear Liam chime in. “Justin sometimes plays army men with me and bought me a fire truck for Christmas! One time, he stayed over all night and made me pancakes in the morning before Mommy said he had to leave.”
Anxiety washes over me as I look at Liam and my eyes grow wide in horror. Leave it to kids to tell the damn truth, the whole truth, and nothing but every damn detail of that truth.
“That’s right,” I hear Justin laugh. “Good memory, Buddy.” Kneeling down to his level, I watch as Justin ruffles his hair and smiles before I look over at my friend and see her eyes widen and a smirk spread across her face as anxiety rises once again inside me. “But I still think that the Navy Seals would take down the Army’s infantry. We’ll have to work on that one.” I look back in time to see him give Liam a wink before rising again and I can’t help but notice the laugh his friend Troy is trying to hide as I turn quickly to look at Erica and see her mouth hanging open now in shock before glancing back their way.
“We’re going to grab some coffee before hitting the road,” Justin says as he drops Liam’s hand. His eyes meet mine once again and the pull between us is almost too much as I fight the urge to stand, grab out to him, tell him to wait and stay with me, just a little longer. “I promised Troy I’d show him some good bass fishing while he was here.” He pauses and my heart skips a beat as his eyes linger on mine before he glances across the table. “It was nice meeting you Erica.” I watch as he gives my friend a polite nod before turning back to me. “Sunshine,” he says with a dreamy smile and then walks off leaving me breathless in his absence.
Liam takes his seat once again at the table and begins shoveling his lemon loaf in his mouth. My body is still humming as I turn back to my best friend with butterflies soaring in my stomach that are now fluttering so damn strong I can’t even manage to force myself to look up in her direction.
“Ok,” she starts in once the two men are out of ear shot. “What in the actual fuck was that!”
“Language!” I hear Liam yell, and can’t help the smile that spreads across my face as I look over at him before glancing her way.
“Holy Moly! I don’t even remember seeing Michael devour you like that with his eyes in high school, woman!” She squeals silently. “Ok! News flash. Auntie E is officially turning this coffee date into a wine sleepover, because Mommy needs to dish all the details of just who that was and why even I could feel that scorching fire between them!”
“Fire?” Liam asks, as his crumb filled fingers grab his water cup and he takes a drink. “I can put out fires. Chief Case taught me how!”
Erica laughs at my son and shakes her head. “Not this fire, Buddy! I say we let it simmer until one of them decides to finally fan those delicious flames.”
&n
bsp; I look up and catch Justin’s eye as he leans against the counter waiting for his coffee. A piece of me wonders if I ever could let what I feel for him fan into more, let it finally fully engulf me. Consume us. Or is it safer to always let it smolder. To eventually let the flame run out, so neither of us ever get burned. The look in his eyes holds me captive as I wonder. As I let myself dream. I can tell we both don’t know the right thing to do, and so the only thing left is to walk the line between heaven together and hell when we are apart. That is until one of us eventually jumps and the other is left having to decide if they are brave enough to follow.
But the funny thing about lines is they’re long, lengthy, and you can lose your way through the smoke. Even with a fire, a spark, just like our own, that gives us both hope and reservations, something tells me Justin would never let that happen, he’d never lose us, and another piece of my heart hands itself over willingly to the him. To the promise, the inevitable future of whatever might be happening between us.
Chapter 14
Justin
“I got it, just give me five minutes,” I shout over my shoulder as I jump over the side of the boat parked in front of the convenience store and start to make my way towards the door.
“Grab some beer, too.” I hear Troy insist.
I raise my hand in acknowledgement of what he just said, although can’t help but laugh a little at the thought because it is only 10 o’clock in the morning. But I guess when you’re on vacation from the wife and kids, all rules jump out the window. That, and the fact that a little “hair of the dog” as they say wouldn’t actually be that bad to cure the splitting headache I woke up with after last night.
Resurrection Page 9
