by E. L. Todd
“You say you don’t want to get hurt again… Kyle is the answer.”
“I don’t want to risk losing him.”
“You risk losing him no matter what. He could end up with someone else, and she could hate you because you slept with him a long time ago. You guys drift apart and stop talking altogether.”
“Kyle would never let that happen…”
“Then what are you scared of?”
“Breaking up is different. Look at Cameron and me. You think we’ll ever be friends?”
“I don’t know,” she said with a shrug. “He did knock up some other woman, and you brought him flowers when he lost the baby.”
“That’s not the same thing…”
“I think you and Kyle have a strong connection and incredible respect for each other. I doubt you would ever break up, and if you did, you would both make an effort to keep your friendship. You already slept together and bounced back from that.”
“Not the same thing…”
“Fine,” she snapped. “You rejected him, and the next day everything was still normal.”
I didn’t have an argument against that.
“Forget about Neil. Go after Kyle.”
“I can’t just forget about Neil. If I could, I would have done that by now. Neil and I… There’s just this connection. I can’t explain. Anytime I’m around him, I feel like I’m floating… It’s just so easy.”
She still wasn’t sympathetic. “Girl, forget about him. Otherwise, you’ll end up like all the others…heartbroken and forgotten. He’s incredible successfully and so damn charming, he makes every woman feel this way. You’re just another notch on his bedpost. You mean nothing to him, Char. I hate to put it like that, to be so cold, but that’s the truth.”
It was hard to hear, and I still didn’t believe it. Maybe Neil didn’t feel anything for me at all, but I knew I didn’t mean nothing. I knew he would always care about me…at least as a friend.
When I pulled up to the house, Torpedo was looking out the window as he stood on the back of the couch. He was barking loudly, but normally, he would be lying on the floor pretending to be a good boy when he heard the garage door open. So this behavior was unusual.
That was when I noticed Cameron step out of his car onto the sidewalk.
Oh shit.
I pulled into the garage, turned off the car, and took a deep breath as I prepared for whatever was about to happen.
I got out and walked to the driveway, seeing him standing there in a t-shirt and dark jeans. He’d always been fit because he was blessed by the universe, maintaining his fitness without doing much to earn it. He had toned arms and a flat stomach that always showed the outline of his abs. He looked at me apologetically, like he felt bad for being there at all.
I crossed my arms over my chest and stopped in front of him. “What are you doing here, Cameron?” When I’d dropped off those flowers, my intentions were pure. I wasn’t engaging in some psychological warfare. I genuinely wanted to comfort him during this difficult time, even though he had been fucking someone else when he should have been comforting me.
“I didn’t mean to creep you out by waiting for you to come home. I stopped by because I thought you would be off work by now, and when you didn’t show up, I thought you were running late or something…”
Seeing him parked in front of my house wasn’t the issue. It was the fact that he was there at all. “What are you doing here, Cameron?” If he needed something, a phone call was sufficient. The fact that he asked Stacy for my address was a little concerning. I hoped he just wanted to give an apology and nothing more.
He slid his hands into his front pockets and looked at me with trepidation. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and…I feel like shit for everything that happened between us. I’ve always wanted a family, and when I didn’t get my way, I acted like such an asshole. I treated you like an oven more than a person…more than my wife…and I’m so sorry.” His eyes lowered to the concrete below his feet like he couldn’t look at me anymore. “I’m ashamed of my behavior, ashamed of the man I am. You were just as devastated as I was, and I shouldn’t have turned my back on you like that… I shouldn’t have talked to Vivian online and snuck around behind your back. I have so many things to apologize for, and as I say it, I realize how insufficient an apology is. How could I ever apologize for something so heinous? So horrific?” He kept his eyes on the ground and took a deep breath. Moisture coated the surface of his gaze, and he sniffed as he inhaled the mucus back into his nose. “I’m still comforting Vivian right now, but I told her we couldn’t be together anymore—not because she lost the baby, but because looking at her reminds me of what I did.” He finally lifted his gaze to look into mine. “I’m so sorry, Char. I know this probably means nothing to you, but I wanted you to know that.”
It was hard to hold a grudge when he seemed so sincere, when my compassion made him reflect on his own lack of it. I hadn’t seen him cry once in our relationship, except when his father died, and watching him shed tears now made me feel his sincerity. “I forgive you, Cameron.”
His tears steadied as he stared at me, like he couldn’t believe what I just said. “You shouldn’t.”
“You know me, I can never stay mad at anybody.”
He smiled slightly, his eyes still wet. “I can’t believe I was so stupid. I was married to the most amazing woman in the world, and I fucked it up. When the doctors told us you were barren, my mind snapped, and I just lost it. It was so difficult that I spun out of control and did idiotic stuff. I cheated on you, divorced you, and disposed of you like you were nothing. I just want you to know that everything before…that was all real. I did love you. I was happy with you. It’s no excuse, but hearing the terrible news was so traumatic that I changed.”
I believed that because I had been there. We were happy together. People often said we were meant to be. “I know…”
He shook his head and sighed. “I think what happened with Vivian was the universe punishing me—”
“Don’t say that, Cameron. That’s not true. No one deserves that—no matter what.”
“See?” he whispered. “You’re so…unbelievably kind.”
“Anyone would say the same, Cameron.” And if they didn’t, they were evil.
He stared at me for a while, his hands remaining in his pockets. Silence stretched for a long time because there was nothing to say now that he apologized. Tensions and emotions lingered between us.
I thought I should say goodbye and enter the house, but that seemed cold. The conversation wasn’t over, even though there was nothing to say.
“Are you still dating that astronaut?” he whispered.
So Cameron had recognized him. “No. We’re just friends.”
“Oh…is he an idiot too?”
“No.” I am.
He continued to stare at me. “Are you dating anyone?”
Just boring guys that I immediately forgot about. “No.”
He nodded slightly. “I’m surprised.”
“After everything that happened between us, I haven’t been eager to start a relationship. I’ve been taking it easy…keeping it casual.”
His eyes filled with sadness once again, knowing he was responsible for my lingering heartbreak. “I doubt there’s any guy out there dumber than me, so you shouldn’t keep your guard up.”
I tightened my arms over my chest.
“I know this is stupid and premature, but I would love to maybe…get some coffee sometime.”
I never imagined my ex-husband would appear in my driveway, apologize for hurting me, and then ask me out on a date. “Cameron, you literally just broke up with Vivian…the woman who lost your baby—”
“I’m not asking you on a date. I just want to talk. That’s all.”
“Still…Vivian is the only woman who should have your attention right now. You apologize to me for what you did, but here you are, doing the same thing. Vivian didn’t give you what you wanted, so no
w you’re dumping her and jumping on to the next thing…”
“That’s not at all what’s happening—”
“Seems that way to me.”
He held up both hands, like that would somehow silence me. “Look, Vivian and I had our differences months ago. We agreed to stay together because of the kid. She and I rushed into things way too fast. We hardly knew each other when we got pregnant. She was practically a stranger to me. Now that we’ve lost the baby…the thing keeping us together doesn’t exist anymore.”
“But you would never have asked me to coffee if she hadn’t lost the baby.”
“I guess that’s true…but not because of the reason you think. The only reason why I’m here, why I had this epiphany, is because you were there for me when I wasn’t there for you. When you brought me those flowers, I realized I had been a total asshole to you. I realized I never deserved you. My blurred vision cleared, and everything hit me at once. I knew I shouldn’t have left, I knew I had the greatest woman in the world who loved me…but I’d lost sight of that. The truth that I tried to deny came back to haunt me, and I changed. I literally changed in that moment. So…I’m not repeating my past mistakes. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to get back together someday, that I want to get my wife back and adopt a few kids. But for right now…maybe we could just get coffee and be friends.”
Cameron had been the love of my life. The years I spent with him were my happiest. Hearing him say everything I wanted to hear almost brought tears to my eyes. But the love I had for him wasn’t strong enough to erase the past, to make me forget what he did. He could be as apologetic as he wanted, but it would never make me trust him again. “Cameron, we’re never going to get back together.”
He didn’t blink, and his complexion suddenly turned pale.
“And I find it unlikely we could ever be friends.”
He still didn’t blink.
“I think we can be friendly to each other, wish each other the best in life, and say hello when we bump into each other at the grocery store. But that’s it…” I didn’t get any satisfaction out of this moment, didn’t feel an ounce of revenge.
His eyes welled up with tears.
I hurt him…and I didn’t feel good about it. “I’m sorry, Cameron.”
When the tears started to streak down his face, he wiped them away with the back of his forearm. He sniffed loudly. “I would never hurt you again, Char. I promise. I know I did something really terrible—”
“I’m still broken, Cameron. I’ve been with a few guys, but I’ve been really persistent about being casual. I can’t picture myself getting married again. I can’t picture myself being in a relationship again. We were so happy together, and if you could do something like that…then no relationship will last. I’ve lost my faith in love. I’ve lost my faith in relationships. So, I’m not looking for anything serious—with anyone. You want us to go back to what we were, but that’s not possible because I’m not that person anymore. Your actions changed me, morphed me into a whole new person. We can’t be married again, we can’t be happy again, because neither one us is the person we used to be.”
8
Neil
I did three more reps before Vic helped me navigate the bar back to the rack.
“Not bad.”
I sat up and wiped my forehead with a towel. “I’ll build my strength back up in a couple of months.”
“You really think it will take that long?”
“I was on the moon, where gravity is one-sixth that of Earth. Yeah…it’ll take a while.” I rose to my feet and let Vic take my place.
He lay down and picked up the bar and started to do his reps.
I kept an eye on him, just in case he needed me.
Vic pumped the weight on his large arms, sweat streaking down his forehead. The vein across his temple fattened with the exertion.
I kept count, and when he finished, I racked the weight. “Not bad.”
“Shut up, I can do fifty pounds more than you.” He sat up and wiped his forehead with the towel.
“For now.”
“Whatever, I’ve always been bigger than you.”
“But no stronger. Big difference.”
He grabbed his jug of water and took a large drink. The sound of weights clanking against metal filled the gym, along with the loud music that no one was listening to because they were all listening to their own music.
A pretty blonde in leggings and a sports bra walked up to my brother, confident because she sported a perfect body with a belly button piercing. “Hey.” With both hands on her hips, she gave him a flirtatious smile before she hit on him. “You know, I could use some help. Want to give me a hand?”
My brother gave the same reaction he gave to all interested woman. He was visibly annoyed and ice-cold. “I’m married.” He held up his left hand, where a black wedding ring contrasted against his fair skin. “Don’t hit on a married man. One day, you’ll be married, and you’ll hope some chick at the gym doesn’t hit on him.” He flipped his towel over his shoulder and walked off to the next machine.
The woman stood there in shock, as if she couldn’t believe any man would blow her off like that. She was probably used to getting any guy she wanted.
I tried not to smile. My brother didn’t put on that act for my benefit. He knew I would take his secrets to the grave. If he had an affair, I would keep my mouth shut. But his response to interested women was always the same. He was indifferent to all of them, attracted to only one woman in the world—his wife. He had a haughty attitude, a constant asshole-ish personality. That came from his profession, being an aggressive litigator who was ruthless in the courthouse. He had no time for bullshit, and to him, hitting on a married man was bullshit.
When she was finally recovered, she turned to me. “Well, I could still use some help…”
I didn’t mind swooping in and taking the women who were interested in him before me, but her looks didn’t appeal to me. I didn’t picture myself gripping her blond hair then spanking her ass. There was no attraction at all, even though there was nothing wrong with her. “I’m taken too.”
“Of course…the hot ones usually are.”
I joined my brother at the next machine. “You know, you don’t have to be a complete asshole every time a woman hits on you.”
“She knew I was married.”
“Maybe she didn’t.”
“Trust me, if a guy wears a ring, a woman notices.” He picked up the weights off the ground and slid them onto the rack.
“Still don’t see why you need to be so cold. A simple no would suffice.”
“It just bothers me, alright?” He picked up another plate and slid it onto the pole.
“Care to share?”
He finished getting the rack ready for our workout then turned to me. With one arm resting over the rack, he put the other hand on his hips. “I wouldn’t want some handsome guy hitting on my wife. I wouldn’t want some rich, good-looking dude to sweep her off her feet and take her away from me. I wish people would just respect marriage so that never happens.”
I forced myself not to smile because teasing him about his insecurity would be mean. My brother had always been hard and ruthless, being a macho guy who didn’t have issues. But deep down underneath, he was insecurities like everyone else. “No one could ever take Stacy away from you. So maybe tone down the dickishness.”
“I am a dick. It’s nothing something I can change. Why didn’t you go out with her?”
I shrugged. “Not interested.”
“Why not?”
“What do you mean, why not? Sometimes you’re interested, and sometimes you aren’t.”
“But you’re always interested, Neil.”
I shrugged again because I didn’t know what to say. I’d been home for several weeks now and there had been plenty of opportunity for pussy, but I never took it. My short conversations with Charlotte were far more fulfilling. “I guess it’s taking me some time to get used to
normal life again.”
“When you get back to Earth, you’re like a sailor on leave. What’s different this time?” Instead of getting into position to do his squats, he kept talking to me over the sound of music and loud machines.
I pictured her green eyes, soft lips, and the way her hair rested on my pillow. It was hard not to picture her face throughout the day, to be at work and working on the newest shuttle without daydreaming about the little brunette and her lazy dog.
My brother kept watching me with his hostile gaze. “There’s something you aren’t telling me.”
“You’re reading too much into it.”
“No, I’m not. You’re behaving the way I do. Except I’m married, and you aren’t. That means there’s someone in your life. Who is she?”
“You’re jumping to conclusions.”
“Am I?” he countered. “Go back to the blonde and ask her out.”
“I’m not gonna pick up a woman just to prove a point.”
“Any other time, you would.” His skills as a lawyer were his greatest asset in an argument. He was always right, even if he was wrong. It was stupid to go against him, especially when he was right…and he was definitely right in this situation. “We aren’t only brothers, we are friends. So why don’t you just man up and explain yourself?”
I held his gaze and tried to think of a way to express myself. I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt, so sharing that information with someone else was challenging.
“Well?” he pressed.
I finally caved. “I still have a thing for Charlotte…”
Vic’s eyes narrowed in annoyance. He’d probably assumed there was some other chick in my life, someone I wasn’t ready to talk about yet. He had always been protective of Charlotte, treating her like a little sister rather than a friend of his wife’s. His eyes were immediately hostile.
“I keep thinking about her, so I haven’t really been interested in other women. I didn’t realize how bad it was until you pointed it out.” I wasn’t going out to bars and picking up women the way I used to. More importantly, when women came to me, I still didn’t take the bait. I was celibate without any clear explanation.
