by E. L. Todd
“I think so.” NASA had kept this mission a secret as long as possible because they didn’t want to announce the voyage to the world if there was any chance we couldn’t pull it off. But all of our engines were ready, our modules planned out, and the crew had passed all their exams.
It was really happening.
Hyde sighed beside. “Would you judge me if I said I was a little afraid?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Good…because I’m a little fucking afraid.”
I wanted to tell him he could back out, but that was a lie. It was too late to go back on our commitment. So, I fed his ego instead. “Whether we live or die, we’ll be remembered for the rest of human history. Children will learn our names in school. We’ll be the ones who charted the discoveries that will be made after we’re gone. It’s terrifying, but it’s such an honor. You’re lucky to be here, Hyde. I’m lucky to be here too.”
The pep talk seemed to calm him because he nodded. “You’re right, Neil. Thanks.”
We walked into the conference room with the director and a few other members of the NASA team. The other four astronauts on the mission were there, two men and two women. They all had different disciplines, so we could study as much as possible. Hyde and I were the only two crew members with the same background. If one of us died, there would always be another pilot to get us back home.
“Alright.” Director Carmichael started the meeting. “We’re going to have a press conference tomorrow morning and make our announcement to the American people and the world. This is officially happening. The launch takes place in exactly thirty days.”
The last year had gone by so quickly, and I knew that was because of Charlotte. If she weren’t in my life, time would have moved at a snail’s pace. The launch date couldn’t get there soon enough. But now, everything had changed. I was excited for this mission…but I was also filled with regret. It was the strangest feeling.
Hyde turned to me. “Man, my mom is gonna be pissed.”
I didn’t want to face my own family. Vic would be livid with me…and may not forgive me for what I was about to do.
20
Neil
The moment I’d been dreading had finally arrived, and I didn’t have time to drag my feet and procrastinate anymore. Tomorrow morning, the entire world would know about the mission, and as the commander, my name would be mentioned first. It was a terrible way for my family to find out.
It had to come from me beforehand.
I considered telling Charlotte in private first, but then I would have to have the same conversation twice, and instead of breaking her heart first and moving on to the next person, I thought it would be best to tell everyone at once…in one shot.
I already knew how it would go. Charlotte would be sad internally but supportive on the outside. But she already knew what was coming even though she didn’t have the details. Vic and Stacy would be totally blindsided, especially since I did the first of my two launches to the moon not quite a year ago. There was usually more time in between launches, but things had been different for me. This may be my final launch ever…even if I survived.
“Is there something bothering you?” Charlotte asked from the passenger seat.
I drove through the darkness to Vic’s house, the streets wet from the rain that had fallen earlier. I was in a black sweater and a long-sleeved shirt. Charlotte was in a sweater dress with black leggings and boots. “I’m just stressed.”
“About?” Her fingers absentmindedly played with her necklace as she looked out the window.
I wasn’t going to tell her the truth on the drive, when I couldn’t see her face because I was watching the slick roads. “You’ll see when we get there.”
I pulled into the driveway five minutes later, seeing the lights through the windows under the shady oak trees. Stacy was moving around in the kitchen, getting dinner ready because she expected us any moment.
Vic was on the couch, his feet up on the coffee table as he watched TV. Having Stacy at home full time was his dream. Now he had a woman to wait on him hand and foot while she had his children. He got to keep his exciting career and had someone waiting for him at home.
We helped ourselves inside. “Something smells good.” Charlotte looked around, examining the round mirror on the wall and the new accessories Stacy had picked out. In just a few short weeks, Stacy had decorated the place and turned it into a home. “The place looks nice.”
“Thanks, honey.” Stacy greeted her with a hug then turned back to the kitchen. “Can you help me set the table?”
“Sure.” Charlotte picked up a dish and started helping with dinner.
I moved to the other couch and looked at my brother. “How was work?”
“You know, bullshit like always.”
“You call it bullshit, but you love it.”
He shrugged. “I like yelling at people. It’s fun.”
I turned to the TV, seeing the game that was on the screen. “Got any money on this?”
“No.” He turned to me. “Want to make it interesting?” He held his beer on his lap, his shoes off because he was so comfortable.
“A hundred bucks?”
“You’re on.”
Stacy called from the kitchen. “Dinner is ready. Neil, you want a beer or something else?”
“I’ll have whatever you’re having.” I walked to the dining table and saw the mashed potatoes, green beans, and the chicken Marsala in a clear dish in the center.
Stacy grabbed a bottle of white wine and poured two glasses. “I’m having water. But Charlotte likes this bottle of wine, so you can have what she’s having.”
“Works for me.” We took a seat by the window, and Stacy had to adjust her chair many times to accommodate her stomach.
“Oh my god, I’m so fat.” She grabbed her water and took a big drink. “I should have done a surrogate.”
Vic placed his hand on her thigh and gave her a gentle pat. “You aren’t fat.”
She rolled her eyes.
“And if you are, I like it.” He grabbed the potatoes and served them onto his plate before he handed the dish to me.
Stacy had a small smile on her lips, like that meant the world to her.
Charlotte couldn’t wait until all the food was served. She sampled whatever was on her plate as she waited for the next dish. “Ooh…these potatoes are good.”
I served her a piece of chicken along with myself before we set everything back down on the table.
“What’s new with you guys?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation light before I ruined everyone’s night.
“The doctor says the baby is healthy,” Vic said. “That’s the only thing we care about anymore.”
“Do you still not want to know if it’s a boy or a girl?” Charlotte asked.
“No,” Stacy answered after she chewed her bite. “We still want it to be a surprise.”
We talked about that for a while before we switched the conversation to the weather. It’d been a rainy season in Texas, which was unusual. But we hadn’t had any extreme storms. Hopefully, it stayed that way.
Stacy looked at the necklace hanging from Charlotte’s throat. “What’s that? It looks like dirt.”
The texture of the sand on the moon was like fine powder. Whenever my boots sank into the material, I could feel how fluffy it was. Maybe because the force of gravity was less, the dirt wasn’t so tight against the surface of the planet. It was also a different color from anything I’d seen on Earth, probably because it felt the radiation from the sun differently. Colors were washed out and bland.
Charlotte glanced at me, smiling slightly before she answered Stacy. “Neil gave it to me. It’s sand from the moon.”
Both Stacy and Vic both turned their gazes to me, understanding the significance of the gesture. I had no idea if Vic told Stacy how I felt about Charlotte, but I suspected he hadn’t because he knew his wife couldn’t keep a secret from Charlotte.
Vic kept giving
me a look of accusation. “So, you got it last time you were up there?”
“Yeah,” I said with a nod.
“That’s sweet…” Stacy looked at the necklace again. “Are you allowed to do that? Did you need to submit it to NASA first?”
“No. I kept it in my pocket and hid it in my backpack until we returned to Earth.” Even if I got caught, NASA wouldn’t have prosecuted me. Just a slap on the wrist would have been enough. I was their best astronaut, and they couldn’t afford to lose me or put the issue in writing. So, it was worth the risk for me to take it.
Charlotte played with the pendant before she started to eat again.
It was the perfect segue into the big news I needed to share, but I still didn’t want to do it. It would change my relationship with Vic, make it more strained than it already was. Stacy would worry about me, and of course, Charlotte would have to accept the fact that I was leaving soon. It would spoil the evening.
But I had to do it.
I set down my utensils. “I have an announcement to make…”
“Oh no,” Vic said. “Anytime Neil says that, it’s not good. Going back to the moon already?”
“There’s no way,” Stacy said. “You would launch three times in the span of eighteen months. That’s not right. It’s unprecedented.”
They were right on the moon—with the exception of the destination.
Charlotte stayed quiet and started to push her food around.
“I am launching again. Thirty days from now.” I would have to climb into that rocket and explode with more fuel than ever before. I would travel farther than any living human, take on the most dangerous mission NASA had ever tried to accomplish.
Vic immediately looked down at his food, visibly pissed that I was departing once more. He shook his head slightly then cut into his chicken, continuing to eat because he didn’t know what else to do. He kept his thoughts to himself because he knew he was about to explode.
Stacy was disappointed too. She didn’t bother to hide it. “How long will you be gone this time?”
Before I could answer, Charlotte spoke. “No one is more upset about Neil’s departure than I am. I wish he could stay here forever, or at least, take missions less frequently. I’ll miss him every day while he’s gone. But Neil is doing something incredible with his life, and we should all be supportive—and more importantly, proud.”
Vic stopped eating, but he kept staring at his food.
It meant a lot to me that she said that, even though it would fall on deaf ears.
Charlotte kept staring at Vic. “Come on, Vic. Your brother is an extraordinary man. He’s one in a million. You should be so proud right now.”
“I am proud,” he said bitterly. “I’ve always looked up to him. I feel like the coolest person ever when I tell people Neil Crimson is my brother. But no amount of pride can fill the void of his absence, or make me sleep at night and stop worrying about him every time he’s gone. Don’t tell me how to feel, Charlotte. Just don’t.”
Stacy turned to him. “Vic…”
“Charlotte knows I love her. But this is my brother we’re talking about.” He still wouldn’t look me in the eye. “If he dies…”
“If I die, just know I wouldn’t change anything if I knew that was my last moment alive.” It was no different from the way a parent felt about their child. If they had to give up their life to save their son or daughter, they would do it in a heartbeat.
Vic finally raised his head and looked at me, his gaze cold.
Stacy rested her hand on his to calm him down.
“There’s something else I need to tell you…and you aren’t going to like it.” I started to miss the fascination people had with my profession, all the questions they would ask because they were mesmerized about the things I’d seen. My family didn’t feel that way at all. They hated everything about my position as an astronaut.
“Let me guess,” Vic said. “You’ll be there for a year.”
Stacy squeezed his hand to shut him up.
“Vic,” Charlotte said gently. “Let Neil talk…” She was the only person on my side, the only person who understood she could feel sad about my absence but be supportive anyway. She was the only person who made this easier for me.
“Tomorrow morning, NASA is going to make an announcement to the world about the mission,” I said. “It’s the first time we’ve ever made this kind of attempt, but we’ve been planning it for years. I’m not going to lie, it’ll be dangerous. Things will happen that we never would have anticipated. I’ll be the commander of the mission with five other astronauts. Hyde is coming with me, so there will be two pilots.”
Vic was still, watching me with wide-open eyes.
Stacy looked like she’d stopped breathing.
Vic finally spoke. “What does that mean, Neil? Where are you going?”
It sounded like a plotline from a science fiction movie, but it was all real. We’d progressed with our technology, but we hadn’t told the world about our discoveries. We’d surpassed Russian technology a million times over, and now they would know they were inferior to our scientists. “Mars.”
Charlotte took an audible breath that sounded like a gasp.
Stacy let go of Vic’s hand so she could cover her mouth. “Oh my god.”
Vic was in such a state of shock that he didn’t move at all. He stared at me in silence until his body leaned back and collapsed against the chair. His hand went to his mouth, and he dragged it down his jaw. As if he couldn’t bear to look at me, he turned away and stared at the floor. Then he got up and walked away from the table, as if he couldn’t be around me a second longer.
Stacy didn’t go after him.
Charlotte was in shock like everyone else. She stared at the surface of the table, not blinking because she processed everything I said with obvious pain.
I hadn’t even told him the specifics of the mission, like our objective or the duration. They seemed to need time to process what I’d already said, so I stayed quiet. Their reaction was even worse than what I expected. I hadn’t told my mother yet, and I knew that conversation would cause many tears.
I stared at my food because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how to cushion this blow, what to say to make this better. They were all scared for my well-being, and now they were probably truly afraid I would never come back.
21
Charlotte
Neil’s announcement was a shock to all of us.
People talked about going to Mars someday, but I assumed a mission like that would take place beyond our lifetime. Now the man I loved would be the commander of a mission that would travel past the moon…farther than any living human had gone before.
I was terrified.
Even if Neil and I would end our relationship the moment he left Earth, I would still love him for the rest of my life. If he didn’t return, it would haunt me forever. For a split second, I almost gave in to the hysteria and asked him not to leave.
But it wouldn’t make a difference.
Vic was sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees. His palms were pressed together, resting against his lips. The TV was still on, but the sound was on mute. He stared at the low-burning flames in the fireplace, wrestling with his anger.
Stacy moved to the spot beside him and rubbed his back. “Vic…”
He ignored her.
Neil moved to the other couch and took a seat.
I didn’t know what to do. Tears burned on the surface of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. It would just make it a million times harder for him. Giving in to the pain wouldn’t make anything better, it would only make it worse.
“Vic.” Neil’s deep voice came out quiet, tentative.
Vic ignored him.
Neil stared at the table.
I moved into the living room and sank into the armchair across from Neil. My body felt a million pounds heavier because of the stress that had settled on my shoulders. I knew I had to move on wit
h my life when Neil left, but now I would still worry about him constantly.
Stacy continued to rub her husband’s back. “I think he’s just surprised…as we all are.”
“I understand it’s a lot to take in,” Neil said. “I’ve known about this mission a long time, and I’m still surprised.”
Vic slowly rubbed his palms together.
“How long will you be gone?” I asked, afraid to hear the answer.
Neil sighed, like he didn’t want to tell his family the truth. “The exact duration is uncertain, but probably around three years.”
Oh my god.
Vic threw his arms down as he clenched his jaw. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. If you survive and make it back, my kid is gonna be three. I’ll probably have a newborn too. And you’re going to miss all of that?”
Neil looked away, swallowing the pain like a pill too big for his throat.
Three years was so long.
“Why the fuck do you need to be on Mars that long?” Vic snapped. “What’s so important about a goddamn planet millions of miles away?”
“The time spent on Mars will be relatively short,” Neil said calmly. “It’s the journey that takes the longest. Based on the speed of our new spacecraft, it’ll take nine months to get there. Another nine to return. The planets have to line up perfectly to create the shortest distance for us to travel. So we need to stay on Mars until the time is right because we can only carry so much fuel.”
Vic dragged his hands down his face. “So, you’re going to live on Mars for a year?”
Neil nodded.
“And do what?” he snapped. “What’s so fucking interesting about red sand?”
Stacy squeezed his forearm. “Vic, calm down.”
He pushed her arm off.
Now I understood why Neil wanted to break off our relationship. He would be gone for so long, there was no chance we could have a relationship. In three years, I might be married to someone else. We wouldn’t pick up where we left off…not when that much time had passed. And he might not even survive.
