His voice breaks down and I hesitate to get closer but I can't look at him suffer this way and I hug him tight, kissing his forehead and stroking his hair to soothe him.
“I don't deserve you, Ayla. I don't deserve your comfort. My sister’s death was all my fault.”
I open my mouth to say something but he drags his thumb over my bottom lip with a sigh and continues his story.
“The villa was awesome and we planned to party until the last possible minute. Alex and Polly were all over each other constantly and Sam and I were making fun of them until we found our own hookups and the real fun began. We spent our days on the beach and our nights partying until sunrise. And then, one day before we were due to fly back, while we were packing our stuff before heading out for one last night of fun, Alex found a little bag in his jeans pocket. It was the jeans he was wearing when he found his Mom. It was the coke. He’d taken it out of his Mom's hands and shoved it in his pocket when the paramedics arrived. I walked in on him about to flush it down the toilet but I stopped him. I’d heard that putting coke on the tip of your cock during sex would give a powerful orgasm and I was fucking curious about it. So, we decided to try the coke. There was lots and we did some with the girls and we had booze. We were high and wasted ... I can't believe I let Polly do that, Ayla. We were so young and so stupid.
I can't believe that after experiencing first hand what drugs had done to Alex's family, we decided to try. I’ll regret that decision for the rest of my life.”
I feel the pained expression in his eyes deep down in my soul: I wanna know what happened but I don't have the courage to push him further down the rabbit hole of his memories.
But Tuna looks determined to finish his story because he keeps talking.
“We decided that we wanted to swim but the house swimming pool seemed boring, so one of the girls told us that nearby there was this really famous spot called “las Quebradas”. It's a cliff overlooking the ocean and people jump from it to dive into the shallow waters. One hundred and thirty five feet. You have to time your jump when the waves are at their highest or you risk hitting the bottom. Normally something like that would've scared the shit out of me but I was high and drunk and I felt invincible. I convinced the others to go dive from that spot. It’s a popular spot, usually full of people but that night the sea was really rough and there was no one around. So we went and I’ll never forget the feelings I had while I was looking down from the edge of that cliff, Ayla. It was fear but also excitement. Pure adrenaline ... We were ready to jump when the other two girls decided that they didn't want to. I almost told Polly to let the A-Team jump alone but I knew she wanted to be one of us. So when she hesitated, I told her it’d be all right. We jumped...”
His voice breaks again and the look in his hazel eyes is pure pain: I feel it in my own body, it makes my heart clench painfully in my chest.
“She hit the bottom, Ayla. She had a second of hesitation and didn't time her jump right. I should've never told her to jump. I should've let Alex flush the coke down the toilet. I should've backed Sam about going to London. I killed my sister.”
The tears he’s been trying to fight break the floodgates open and he collapses in my arms, his powerful body wracked by a pain that's hard to comprehend.
I hold him tight for the longest time and when his sobs die down, I look into his eyes and place the softest, longest kiss on his lips.
He tastes salty and bitter like his tears but I keep my lips chastely on his, I want to take it all away.
I know I can't but I try anyway.
He takes his face away from mine and his eyes are dark and fixed onto mine when he whispers, cupping my face with his big hands:
“Sweetie, now you know everything there is to know about us three. And if you feel like you need to walk away, to protect yourself I don't blame you. Us three... We’re stuck together: loss is what brought us together when we were little and loss is what cemented our bond into something indestructible. I thought I’d never feel whole again, Ayla... Until I met you. You remind me of her: you have the same intelligence, the same compassion, the same taste for life. But if you don't walk away from me now, I swear that I’ll protect you, that I won't make the same mistake I made with her.”
This time our kiss is so deep that it leaves us breathless and I don't wanna do anything inappropriate, so I let him lead the way.
His lips find the sensitive skin of my neck and when he kisses at the base of it, near the side of my collar bone, I can't stifle the moan that escapes my lips.
That's all the encouragement that Tuna needs to start opening the buttons of my shirt and kiss his way down between my breasts.
I feel his hardness through the material of our clothes and I don't stop him when his hands reach for my panties under my uniform skirt and start dragging them down.
My dark grey skirt is all bunched up around my waist and when I lower his sweatpants I gasp at how thick and hard he is: he's not wearing any underwear.
His kisses are now hungry and demanding and I decide that my heart is his and so is my body, if he wants it.
“Alexander, I love you.”
I whisper against his shoulder as he lowers himself closer to my throbbing centre.
He stops and his eyes are smouldering pools of desire when he says it back.
“I love you too.”
I went to the doctors with Alex and I got put on the pill, so I don't worry about condoms or anything else when I tell him that I want to be his.
His grip on my hips tightens and I feel his hardness press at my entrance for a blindingly exciting moment but then he lifts his hips away and he tells me that he can't and sits up on the couch.
He’s breathing hard and he sits by my side with one of my hands in his.
He brings my knuckles to his lips and he shakes his head.
“I must be crazy, Ayla. I’ve wanted to do this since that first day of school, when I saw you getting off the bus. I dream about how you’ll feel around my dick every waking moment and I fucking dream of it too at night. You're the star of all my most forbidden dreams. But your first time can't be today, sweetie. I don't have the right to take it after the stuff I just told you.”
I don't look away and he continues:
“If I took what you're offering now, I’d hate myself later for making the memory of your first time a sad one. I love you too much to do this to you.”
We share a long, emotional kiss and when we part, I look in his eyes and wrap my hand around his hard base, giving him a long, slow stroke all the way up and down his impressive length.
“You taught me how to feel the most intense pleasure I’ve ever felt in this room, on this couch. And you’ve never let me return the favour. Please let me show you how I feel about you, what you are to me. You're love, safety, pleasure ... and what you told me doesn't change my feelings for you. It never will.”
“Yes...”
His voice is low, dark with desire and I lie down with him by my side, our skin touching, his arms around me to make sure that I’ll never leave.
It's a sweet, bitter and sad moment all at once: I hope my nearness tells him that I’m here to stay, by his side, as long as he’ll have me.
I touch him and kiss him until he emits a sexy, low moan and I feel his warmth on my hand.
We hold each other tight, kissing and not needing anymore words until we hear the noise of Alex's car parking in the driveway.
Tuna gives me another soft kiss and as he puts his sweatpants back on, he says:
“Now we grieve together, Ayla. And that makes you one of us, one of the A-Team.”
17.
The Initiation
Tuna: forty points
Alex: twenty five points (but really forty five)
Sam: twenty five points (but really forty six)
EM: zero points
Ayla
TUNA GIVES ME A SHIRT and some of his shorts that are so big that they look like capri pants on me.
&nb
sp; So since the shirt comes down past my knees, I decide not to bother with pants as I’ve got my panties back on and at this point the boys have all seen me naked.
When I arrive downstairs, the look in Alex’s eyes is so sad that I run straight into his arms and he closes those strong arms around me, holding me so tight that I almost whimper in pain.
But I don't want this hug to end because the way I feel when my skin touches his is something sweet, hot, dangerous and addictive all at once.
“Baby...”
He whispers and I don't say anything: now that I know what he lost, I understand a lot more about the way he acts.
I understand why he protects his brothers so fiercely and I admire him for it all the more.
He guides me outside to the pool area, holding my hand and I follow him, meeting Sam’s blue eyes for a short and confusing moment, right before I step outside.
I haven't really talked much to him since that date when he behaved so oddly.
I know that I need to talk to him because I miss him: I need his quiet and steady sweetness, his hot kisses and the way he listens to everything I say as if it really mattered.
But for now, I follow Alex outside.
I’m worried about him after what Tuna told me.
“So now you know. You know I killed Polly. I killed my first love and my best friend's sister...”
His voice is low but firm, his eyes dark but dry and yet, if possible, he looks in even more pain than Tuna was.
“Alex, I wasn't there and I can't imagine how you feel but Tuna told me what happened and ... it wasn't your fault. It was a series of unfortunate events and maybe superficial choices but none of you could've imagined what would happen.”
He sighs, stoic in his pain as if he was forged in it.
“How could I be persuaded to keep that coke, Ayla? How could I take it after it destroyed my family? After... If I’m honest I don't even remember what happened. I was that wasted. One moment I remember taking the coke and drinking a whole bottle of Jack. Having sex with Polly... In front of Sam and her brother. She was laughing the whole time! And then all of a sudden, I was at the police station, being asked questions about what happened and not being able to answer any of them. I should’ve gone to London with Sam. But I wanted to be able to spend a whole night with her. Sam’s parents at the time wouldn't have let us share a room. I was selfish and reckless and I killed her.”
I’m a little scared to say what's in my heart: especially in front of Alex but I can't watch him destroy himself this way, so I decide to take the risk.
“Alex, every action by each of you during those days contributed to that horrible event. But don't forget that her actions were a factor too. She could've said no at any time but she didn't. She chose what lead to that horrible outcome at every turn. So if someone is to blame, she is too. But most likely it’s nobody's fault. Call it fate or coincidence. None of you wanted what happened, Alex. You didn't kill your girlfriend. But you're the one that has to believe it.”
He hugs me again and this time his eyes are starting to thaw when he looks at me, pressing me against him as if he wanted to make sure that I won't go anywhere.
“Baby, if you feel disgusted, if you wanna walk away ...”
I shake my head:
“Never. Even when you're impossible and bossy, I still love you.”
His lips are almost touching mine when he says:
“Even when you’re defiant and combative ... I love you, Ayla.”
Alex's kisses are always intense but this time with his usual fire, there's something deeper that reaches inside my soul, that makes me feel closer to him than the physical act of our lips fused together.
When he breaks the kiss, his eyes are soft and less tormented.
“Thank you for being here today, baby. For the first time, I can feel this pain without letting it destroy me. And it's because of you.”
I don't tell him that I’d do anything for him because I think he knows.
After keeping me in his arms for a long moment, he attempts a smile that still looks sad but I know it's the best he can do right now.
“Ayla, you need to find Sam. He has something to tell you and I think he might need you more than Tuna and I do, right now. We always reminisce and share our feelings on this day ... after a lot of alcohol. He’s the only one that never says one word. He keeps everything inside.”
I leave him reluctantly for a lot of reasons but mainly because I’m afraid to be alone with Sam.
Alex said that he's got something to tell me.
By his behaviour lately, it can't be anything good and so I’d rather avoid him.
But I can't do that forever and I decide to rip this bandaid off and see what the sweetest and quietest of my boyfriends has to tell me.
Sam
SHE'S WEARING ONE OF Tuna’s shirts, no skirt or pants underneath.
She looks so sexy that I wanna grab her and pull her onto my lap, I wanna feel that soft, beautiful body against mine.
But before I can do that, I need to talk to her about that list: a small part of me still fears that somehow she wrote it and I hate myself for not believing in her like I should.
But after dating Michelle ...
I don't know, I guess I learned that trusting only gets you hurt.
But the reason I fell for Ayla is that she seems so different than my ex: she wears her heart on her sleeve and for as much as my baggage means that I find it hard to trust, I’ve got to admit that Alex is right and that that list is not what someone like Ayla would write.
And obviously Tuna said that she'd not seen him naked and it would've been impossible for her to comment about his size.
She squirms a little under my gaze: I realise that I’ve been staring at her for a while.
So I offer her my hand, to come and sit by my side on the couch.
She hesitates and that hurts but I know I’ve been acting like an asshole towards her, worse than even Alex ever did at the beginning.
So I don't blame her.
“Sugar, I’m not gonna bite.”
She releases a little sigh and I hate myself even more for being the cause of this tension.
She finally takes my hand and she surprises me by sitting on my lap rather than by my side.
“I’ve missed you, Sam. How are you?”
I sigh too: all I want is to kiss her and let her nearness make everything right but I know that words are necessary right now, so I begin.
“Today's a hard day for the three of us. But before I even try to tell you how losing Polly has been affecting me, I need to show you something. And I need you to promise me that you won't be mad at me for even entertaining the notion that you could ever ... but it's easier if I show you.”
I take the folded piece of paper with the pros and cons list out of my pocket: the edges of the paper are starting to fray because of how many times I've looked at it.
“Ayla, about a week ago, after Ms. Webber's class, we dropped our books. I must've gotten yours by accident and this was inside.”
She takes the list and unfolds it without looking any more worried than she was when she approached me.
She gasps when she reads it.
“What the hell? It's very similar to my handwriting but it isn't mine. This is horrible, Sam. Who could've—”
I shake my head, my jaw clenched tightly because if Ayla didn't write it, I’ve no doubt about who did.
“Michelle?”
We say it together.
Ayla cups my jaw with her soft hand and looks into my eyes, serious and a little sad.
“I’d never write anything like this. But if you need proof that I didn't, you can ask Tuna: about an hour ago was the first time I ever saw his ... I’d never seen him naked before today, Sam.”
I nod.
“Yes, he told me when I showed him. I know I treated you like shit, sugar. And I’ve no other justification but that I was used to being betrayed. I should've known this wasn't you
but it looked exactly like the margin notes in your book and I ... Michelle knows my insecurities so damn well!”
She's still touching my face, still staring at me.
“Your ex is not only an evil bitch, she's also an idiot. She's absolutely wrong. You look perfect naked or dressed and in any state in between. I might've not seen as many—”
She blushes and I grin.
“Penises? Cocks? Dicks? Men sticks?”
She laughs and I can't believe how much I missed that sound.
“Yeah. I might've not seen as many as her but I loved what I saw. She's right that you're huge but you're so sexy! And that night, after you took me to San Diego, I wouldn't have stopped you if you’d tried to have sex with me.”
“But you did last week, when I tried.”
She's suddenly very serious again.
“I stopped you because you weren't acting like your normal self, Sam. I could feel that you were upset and—”
I hold her tight against me.
“I’m sorry. You're right. I’d got it in my head that if you’d let me fuck you, I’d have known for sure that you hadn't written that list.”
I can't believe that she's not mad and she doesn't hate me after I believed that she wrote that list.
“Next time, instead of being miserable, just ask me. If you'd shown me before, I'd have told you that the list wasn't mine. Call me out on my shit like I call you out on yours, Sam. And if your trust is harder to earn because of how you’ve been treated, I’ll work harder for it because you're worth it.”
“So you don’t hate me?”
I ask and she flashes me one of her mischievous smiles.
“I could never hate you. But that doesn't mean that I’m not mad at you for believing that I wrote that disgusting list.”
“I’ll make it up to you, sugar. Even if it takes me a whole year.”
She becomes suddenly serious and places a hand on my chest: I feel it burning my skin through my t-shirt.
The Initiation: A High School Light Bully Romance (Beverly Hills Prep Academy Book 1) Page 21
