by Susan Harris
“Shush, Alana, please… come on… calm down for me or else they are going to shock you. Hurts like a bitch. Come on, girl… shush. I got you.”
Connors’ voice sounded in my ear, and he kept shushing me until I stilled in his arms. My legs gave out, and we both went to the floor. Connors loosened his grip on me but still held me tight. My sobs became louder, and the pain in my chest was so bad that I thought I was dying.
Through my sobs, I heard Connors say that I was okay and to please just give him a minute. I heard someone argue with him, and he snarled and told them to piss off. The tears soaked my top, and I felt nothing but tiredness as I shoved against Connors, needing to breathe. He did not let go.
My god, I felt so lost. I closed my eyes and screamed out the last of my frustration and anger before tiredness won out. I gave in and let the darkness pull me under.
16
Alana
“I thought I was close but under further inspection,
It seems I’ve been running in the wrong direction.”
(Passenger: Wrong Direction)
I had the mother of all headaches when I woke up early the next morning, lying on my bed which had been freshly made up. The floor was cleared of all evidence of my little meltdown. My eyes stung, and I imagined that my face was red and puffy from crying. Rolling over on my side, I spotted Connors sitting on the floor, eyes closed, head leaning against the wall. He must have stayed with me all night to make sure I didn’t lose it again.
Getting out of bed, I went to him and crouched down in front. I put a hand on his shoulder and gently tapped him. His eyes darted open and he said, “I’m awake. I’m awake.” I allowed him time to take in his surrounding and have a seat on the edge of my bed.
Connors stretched out his long limbs and yawned. “I never thought I would miss my lumpy bed at home, but damn girl, how did you ever sleep on this floor?”
“It’s comfier than the bed.”
“That why you trashed the place last night?” he asked, rising to his feet and leaning back against the wall.
“I’m sorry about that… hope I didn’t hurt anyone.” I let my head droop because of the shame of losing it. “My emotions got the best of me, keeping everything inside until I exploded. I guess bottling things up really doesn’t help.”
Folding his arms across his chest, Connors said, “I’m surprised you didn’t lose it long ago, McCarthy, because of the shit you have been through. I’d have put a gun in my mouth ages ago.”
“Thanks for cleaning up.”
He smiled. “Anytime. Are you okay now? I mean, can I leave you to get breakfast and freshen up before your session with Doc? You are going today, and I have to give a report on last night.” I cast my eyes up to him and he looked away. “Sorry, but you made too much noise for it to go unnoticed.”
“Sorry. I feel like I’m ten inches tall.”
“Don’t be. Talk it out with the doc. You scared me last night, Alana. I thought I’d have to sedate you or activate your behaviour chip, and I don’t think I have it in me to put you down like that. I consider you a friend, girl, and despite the fact that we are where we are, I don’t like seeing my friends hurting. I’m not willing to personally hurt them either. Now, go eat because I am so not spoon feeding you.”
When Connors called me Alana, I knew I must have worried him. He pushed away from the wall and slipped out the door. I listened to his heavy boots clomp down the stairs. Once in the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and ran my fingers through my hair. I was certain I looked like a mess, but I didn’t really care. Inside, I was hollow, empty… unsure how much fight was left.
That morning, it was easy to go through the motions. I headed down to breakfast, joined Jayson, and his gang of misfits, ate a spoon or two of revolting porridge and nodded at appropriate gaps in conversation. It probably didn’t make a difference because I hadn’t heard anything they said anyway. Fidgety and nervous, I wondered why no one asked about what happened because the gossip had surely gotten around. Even Emily kept her mouth shut, but I caught her looking at me on occasion. I chose not to react.
A door slammed shut, and I stared up at the control room, watching as Connors exited, his hands balled into fists. He stomped down the stairs, his face contorted into a nasty snarl. When he reached the bottom, he spotted me watching him.
His body relaxed, and he put a smile on his face and called me over to him. I said my goodbyes to Jayson’s group and headed off to a chorus of see ya laters. Connors led me across the hall, and we left the noise and chaos behind us. He didn’t say anything at first, earning his silence after last night. I restrained from asking him what upset him, but it also allowed time for me to think. Eventually, I knew I would have to explain about avoiding Daniel and my little exercise in redecorating to him.
Positioned to ask Connors to wait a second before he opened the door to Daniel’s office, he beat me to it before I could speak. A nervous knot tied itself in my stomach and Connors, probably sensing my unease, leaned down and whispered in my ear. “It’s okay, McCarthy. Just tell the doc what’s going on in that complicated head of yours. You’ll be grand.”
He gave me a little push through the door, and I looked back at him, finding comfort in his easy smile but also noticing a kindness in his eyes. The door slid closed, and I was left alone with Daniel.
After the dream or memory or whatever it was, I didn’t think I could stand being that close to him, so I perched on the couch. I pulled my knees up to my chest and concentrated on breathing, trying to remain calm while sneaking peeks at Daniel.
Just like in my dream, he shoved his glasses up his nose as he finished whatever it was he was writing. When those steely blue eyes turned to me, I forgot to breathe. He was wearing his serious face, and I couldn’t tell if he was mad or concerned.
“How are you today, Alana?” he asked, turning over a page in his notebook.
I swept a hand across my face. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Are you feeling better? I understand you missed our session because of illness?” I stayed quiet and he continued, “Or would you like to talk about what happened last night? Can you tell me what made you react the way you did?”
His voice was different, clipped and clinical, no emotion at all… with no hint of the friend he had been trying to be for the last few months. Did I do something to piss him off? Or was it that he somehow suspected that I was holding things back?
I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m not sure really. I— I just hadn’t been feeling great yesterday and I…” Searching for the right words to describe the jumble of things going on in my head was less than easy. Nothing seemed to make sense. “… I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“And that’s why you ended up in a rage, Alana, because you won’t talk to me. You keep thinking that you can do this alone, but you can’t. Am I wasting my time here? Is any of this doing you any good? The warden wants to cancel our sessions. She thinks you speaking with me is causing more harm than good. I have very little time to convince her that it is working, and you have less time to remember everything. Why can’t you just talk to me?”
I heard the barest hint of desperation in his voice and argued with myself about the benefits of keeping things to myself.
“I’m scared,” I admitted. My voice trembled as the words left my mouth.
“Scared of what, Alana?”
Averting my eyes from his, I took a deep breath. “I have glimpses, feelings of déjà vu. I’m afraid that the really good bits are not real. That leaves me with all the bad.”
“Would you please tell me about them?” he asked. The warmth was back in his voice.
I opened my mouth to speak but froze as the image of Daniel kissing me popped into my head. The heat of his lips on mine intensified my fear, and the feel of his hands on my hips made my body ignite under his touch and enjoy the hunger in his eyes. I sensed my face burning and covered it with my hands.
“What just went through your
mind, Alana?”
Shaking my head for the love of all that was holy, a giggle escaped. Oh yeah, I could really tell him that I had been having false memories of him being my boyfriend. Delusional was not the word he would use, but I thought it was appropriate. I heard his chair screech and his light footsteps came closer to me. The couch dipped as he sat down beside me, and I knew I had nowhere to run.
His hands dwarfed mine as he pulled them away from my scorching face. He was still holding my hands. Without thinking, I linked my fingers through his, and Daniel didn’t pull away. He smiled then, and I thought it might be the first time I’d actually seen a real Daniel smile from him.
“Alana, I wish you would trust me. You did once before. It would mean everything if you did again.”
I listened carefully to his words and gasped. “So I did know you … We met before? I haven’t imagined it?”
The shake of his head dislodged his glasses, but he didn’t take his hand from mine to fix them. I softly took my hand from his and used my index finger to inch his glasses back in place. He watched my actions calmly and took my hand back, placing it on my knee. Still holding my other hand, Daniel sank back into the couch, slouching down so we were at the same eye level, legs stretched out in front of him. He let out a deep sigh.
“You’ve started to remember.” It was a statement rather than a question.
“I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.”
“Us, here and now… that’s what’s real. Can you not hear the truth in my voice when I tell you that?”
It was if my mind had no control over my body as I leaned into him and relaxed my head on his shoulder. He no longer felt like my shrink. I knew him before all this. He confirmed it, and I ached with the need to remember him. Daniel had said to trust him. I had once before, so I took a giant leap of faith and told him about one of my very first dreams, where I’d heard the word Treatment for the first time.
“I had a dream about my parents arguing. It had happened before I left for the training centre. They were shouting at each other about Theresa and about my dad’s work with Treatment. My parents never fought, but I had realized for months before I went away, they had been distant. Dad’s longer hours and Mom pretending she was happy, when deep down she was miserable, had taken a toll on them both.
Even Sophia noticed, but I think she was too young to understand. She probably thought it was like when she broke my old music player. You know, one that played discs inside of the players. Dad had given it to me with a heap of CDs, and I loved it. Sophia knocked it over, and I yelled at her and refused to speak to her for a week. Stupid now, thinking back, but it was something that could not be replaced at the time. But then again, neither could Sophia.”
I sniffled, holding back my emotions. It all seemed so petty now, and I dealt with the fact that even had I known what would happen, I could not change it. I really wanted to dig deeper and ask Daniel where we met before and if my glimpses were real. Instead, I chose not to spoil the moment. You would think that I was not scheduled to die in less than two months, but I was content to enjoy our time together with that feeling of utter safeness while I leaned against Daniel.
“Your father and Theresa worked on some top secret projects together. I know very little about that, but I am trying to find out more. I came here for one reason, Alana, and that was to get you to remember. I can help you, but I need you to be completely honest with me and listen when I tell you that your memories have started to unlock. I hope they will all resurface with some gentle prodding.”
I stared at him with glassy eyes as if making an important decision.
“We will work on it. I have a few more things up my sleeve. Trust me, please. That’s all I ask. I won’t rest until you remember, Alana. I promise you.”
“I have had other dreams as well… about you.”
He stiffened and held in a breath before saying, “And that is why you were embarrassed? What happened in those dreams?”
I couldn’t say it. How was I supposed to tell him that it was my mind playing tricks on me? “I can’t tell you, it’s more than likely some Stockholm syndrome thing or something like that. My feelings for you are confusing enough, and I’m not ready for you to dismiss them just yet.”
“You have feelings for me?” he asked. His hand tightened around mine.
I remained quiet and hoped he would drop it because I wasn’t ready to deal with it. Last night was draining enough and right now I needed… I didn’t know what I needed. Daniel respected my privacy when I didn’t answer and let me sit there, pressed against him for a while. His body seemed tense, yet mine became more relaxed than ever.
After far too little time, Daniel pulled his hand away and gave me a quick hug before getting up and returning to his desk. I missed the warmth of him immediately. Hugging my knees to my chest once more, it didn’t feel the same. The room was so silent that I heard footsteps coming down the hall and realized Daniel had gotten up so as not to get caught sitting close to me. At least I hoped he hadn’t thought we had done anything wrong.
“Alana, you okay?” I snapped to attention at the sound of his voice calling my name, and I gave him a smile. “Yeah, I think so… Sorry if I weirded you out telling you I have feelings for you.”
Daniel acted as if he were ready to speak, but the door opened and his lips clamped shut. Connors greeted Daniel and then turned to me. “Come on, McCarthy, let’s go… your little band of followers has been asking for you.”
Extending my legs and stretching, I stood, feeling stiff from sitting too long. “Followers?” I asked, perplexed.
Connors laughed. “You know, Jay and the gang. He says you owe him a game of cards and refuses to play unless your ass is in the chair… his words, not mine.”
He stepped outside, and I followed, glancing at Daniel as I put one foot in front of the other. The sound of my name made me turn, and I was captivated by ice-blue eyes and the hunger I saw from the dream in those eyes.
“Alana, about those feelings you have for me?”
I held my breath, my heart beating like a drum against my chest. I nodded silently, not trusting myself to speak.
“I feel the same… about you, that is. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
And for the first time, I wished that I remembered him more than how my parents died. Guilt washed over me. I was in a life and death situation, but all I cared about was hearing a boy tell me he liked me. I retreated out the door and twisted around, feeling the weight of Daniel’s gaze on me before the door closed.
Had I just imagined that? Daniel said he had feelings for me? Could it be that my dream was actually a memory, and Daniel had come here to help me? If I could forget him, then what else was my mind suppressing?
I stayed a step behind Connors as we made our way back to the mess hall. Soon after, I joined Jayson and the others but felt I was going through the motions of being there. My thoughts and most of my concentration were elsewhere. I tried to clear my mind and not think back to what had happened, but I couldn’t help replaying his words over and over in my head. That was when I resolved to remember. Someone like Daniel would not have come to help me if I were really a cold-blooded killer.
When lights out signalled, I sought refuge in my cell and welcomed the quiet that greeted me. All along I had thought I was ready to know what happened, but maybe I was in denial. Maybe I needed to forget some things in order to remember others. Did that make sense? I had always been strong and outgoing, but in prison I had become quiet and withdrawn. But I felt stronger now and would not go down without a fight.
Something had been going on at home because my dad was involved in an event or plan at work that had caused my parents to argue. When I actually thought about it, certain details slotted into place. Theresa worked closely with my dad, and her name had been dragged into arguments a few times… could I ask her outright? She would laugh in my face at my conspiracy theories, but I had stopped thinking about my life and began to dwell on
how I was going to die. Truthfully, I was not ready to die yet.
Okay, mind, I’m ready, so get your ass in gear, and let me remember. No more cryptic BS… get to it already so I can move on. You’ve done your job well, but now it’s time for me to be in charge again. I choose to remember. Give me the good and the bad, I’m ready. Let’s do this.
17
Alana
“All night long I dream of the day when it comes around then it’s taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most, feel it come alive when I see your ghost”
(Foo Fighters: All my life)
So my resolve to assure my mind that it was okay to let me remember didn’t go so well. In fact, I slept soundly that night, only waking when the door to my cell whirred to life and opened. But I suppose since it had kept me in the dark for this long, it might have trouble kick starting itself. It would be similar to leaving a car or a motorbike idle for too long and would take a few attempts to start it. My mind had no better motivation—it died when I did.
But then again, talking about your mind in the third person was a little on the crazy side.
I got up, went to breakfast and chatted with Jayson, Marshall, and Afsana while Emily and Darren sat with us but stayed mainly out of the conversation. Marshall and Jayson were having a debate about which of the guards were involved with each other and what not. Jayson was certain the female guard with the buzz cut was gay, but according to Marshall’s gaydar, she was interested in one of the straight guards who was on the warden’s personal security detail. I laughed along with them as they put forward their points until Marshall brought up Connors, and I listened with interest.
“So, come on, man… you cannot tell me that you think ole Connors is cuter than me? I am utterly devastated.” Jayson joked, a broad smile eclipsing his face as Marshall shrugged, although I could make out the faint tinge of red on his cheeks. Those of us who blush recognize our own.
