by steve higgs
‘Alright, virgin?’ asked Big Ben, a contented and smug grin on his face.
‘I hate you. Please boil your testicles in vinegar and never bother me again,’ I replied once my heart restarted. The dogs had emerged from under my chair to see Big Ben because they knew he would fuss them.
He looked up from patting their heads. ‘Pint?’
I nodded.
‘Good. I need something to eat and drink. I have worked up quite the appetite.’
‘I don’t want any details, thank you, Ben,’ said Alice as she joined us, Jagjit holding her hand and also looking thoroughly satisfied with his evening.
‘The Clintons are right behind us,’ he said. ‘Anthea went to complain about the towels in their room. Apparently, the cotton count is lower than she expects from this level of hotel.’
I wanted to comment but refrained. It sounded exactly like something Anthea would do, she seemed hard to please, but I didn’t wish to voice my thoughts.
‘I’ll get a round then, shall I?’ said Big Ben as he took a drinks order and headed to the bar
Jagjit pulled out a chair for his new wife. ‘What have you been up to?’ asked Jagjit.
I shrugged. ‘I walked the dogs, I got some food, I thought about the case.’
‘Yes,’ said Alice. ‘Jaggipoos told me about the Yeti. It sounded horrific. How are you going to catch it?’
An involuntary smile crept onto my face as my Indian friend’s face coloured. ‘Jaggipoos?’
‘Yes, he’s my little Jaggipoos,’ Alice laughed.
‘Oh boy,’ said Jagjit. ‘That’s not going away any time soon.’
I had a broad grin now. Big Ben picked that moment to return with drinks. ‘What’s that huge grin about?’ he asked.
I looked at Jagjit. ‘Would you like to tell him, or should I?’
‘Tell me what?’
It was Alice that answered, ‘Tempest thinks my nickname for Jagjit is funny.’
‘What nickname?’ asked Hilary as both he and Anthea also joined us.
‘Jagjit?’ I prompted.
With a sigh of resignation, Jagjit stared at the ceiling and said, ‘Alice calls me Jaggipoos.’
Everyone laughed, including Alice.
Big Ben said, ‘Don’t worry. None of us will call you that.’
I agreed, ‘Of course not.’
‘No, we’ll call you poo face instead,’ finished Big Ben to another round of laughter. As it settled down, Big Ben got Alice’s attention. ‘So, Mrs Jagjit, now that you are married is the sex suddenly boring?’
‘Ben,’ warned Jagjit.
‘You’re right, sorry,’ he said giving Jagjit an earnest face. ‘It was probably already quite boring before the honeymoon.’
‘Ben,’ Jagjit was doing his best to not be aggravated since that was Big Ben’s intention. Alice was smiling though.
‘When you need some tips for adding some spice,’ Big Ben said with a wink. ‘I’m a fan of the piledriver position myself. Have you...’
Jagjit reached for his pint with the clear intention of dumping it on his friend’s head.
Big Ben laughed and ducked out of the way. ‘Okay, okay,’ he said as he hid behind me. Just making sure everyone is focused on Jagjit’s tiny penis and not worrying about the giant scary snow beast. That’s all.’
Inevitably this prompted a discussion about the case and the creature we had seen a few hours ago.
‘What will you do?’ asked Jagjit.
I took a sip of my drink as I considered my answer. ‘In the morning, I will speak with Chief Delacroix. If he is arranging a hunting party, which I think he probably must, I will join it. I want them to use non-lethals to catch it. He will need to close the slopes until it is caught, I’m surprised he didn’t do that already, but no doubt he was lobbied by the local businesses to take a minimalist approach after Marie’s death. He lives here so it cannot be easy to make a decision that is going to hurt the pockets of everyone around you. Apart from that, I don’t really know what to do.’ I had a few sneaking suspicions about the people involved but none that were worth airing.
Just then the food they had ordered arrived. I had already eaten and my bladder was demanding I attend to my basic bodily needs. ‘I’ll just excuse myself for a moment, I think,’ I announced getting up. I left my friends talking as I headed across the bar to rid myself of the excess liquid I had imbibed. The dogs stayed at the table, but with the food smells coming from the table, I would have been hard pressed to convince them to leave anyway.
The toilets in the hotel were just as refined and elegant as everything else. Standing at one of the urinals, staring at the wall as one does, I sensed movement behind me. A toilet flushed and then another one almost immediately afterward and I heard two of the toilet doors open. I paid no heed to the men behind me as they moved to the basins and washed their hands. But when one spoke, he got my attention immediately.
‘I say, Stefan, does that gentleman not look familiar to you?’ the voice asked.
‘I dare say he does, Arthur. In fact, I would go as far as to say the gentleman looks exactly like that tosser, Tempest Michaels.’
Thankfully, my task was complete so I zipped up and turned around to face the voices. I knew the two men but I couldn’t say I was pleased to see them. I had first met them a couple of months ago when their boss was hunting a vampire.
My upper lip curled in a sneer as I addressed them, ‘Arthur, Stefan, I didn’t know the circus was in town. Where’s Vermont?’
It was Stefan that replied, ‘That’s a good question,’ he swished his long, almost floor-length coat back in a move that was intended to make him look like he was getting ready for a fight. ‘A more interesting question would be: where is your big friend?’
I grinned at him then. They felt confident because it was two against one. ‘Don’t you remember attacking me in my office? Do you have a good memory of that event?’ I didn’t feel a need to remind him that I put them both on the floor in about six seconds.
Stefan grinned back though. ‘Yes, I remember. That’s why getting even will be so much fun. And this time we have these.’ With a flourish both men produced knuckle dusters and spread their feet to better distribute their weight for fighting.
I felt my pulse quicken. It was an involuntary reaction which always made me angry. I didn’t want to fight these two idiots, but I wasn’t being offered an option. Stefan took a pace to the right, his fists up as he began to circle. Wisely they were trying to split my attention. I wasn’t going to wait for them to decide they were ready though. I was going to hit one of them so hard his head exploded.
Just then the door opened. All three of us had our fists up and were a heartbeat away from throwing punches, but the two men coming through the door were chatting and hadn’t looked up.
The two men were Jagjit and Hilary.
Arthur noticed that my attention was split and lunged for me, a haymaker punch swinging in with a glint of brass on the end of it. From the corner of my eye, I saw Jagjit and Hilary’s expressions change. I had no time to yell for them to get out though, I was too busy ducking back to avoid the knuckle duster opening my cheekbone. Unfortunately, ducking one of Vermont’s henchmen forced me towards the other.
Stefan though was good enough to aim his punch at my kidney, the blow stunning me as he put everything he had into it. As I reeled from that, I caught a foot to my midriff that threatened to double me over. I had to get control here or I would be in trouble, but it turned out I was worrying unnecessarily.
As I lashed out a sweeping arm to create space into which I could move and looked for a limb to grasp, Hilary slammed into Arthur and Stefan vanished under a blanket of Jagjit. The guys had come to my rescue, both of them taking on bigger men that were likely to do them harm. Suddenly I was the only man standing, everyone else was on the floor, two pairs of men struggling for a dominant hold. It wouldn’t take long for Vermont’s henchmen to gain the upper hand though and I couldn’t allow that.
A voice roared from the doorway, ‘Enough.’
Yet again, I knew who it was without having to look.
‘Stefan, Arthur, what is the meaning of this?’ demanded Vermont Wensdale. Both men stopped moving or at least stopped fighting and did what they could to stop Jagjit and Hilary from doing them any harm as they stopped resisting.
I turned to look at Vermont, but he wasn’t alone. Faces were appearing behind him, drawn by his shout. Big Ben was visible above all the other heads outside, but Alice and Anthea saw their husbands on the floor and shoved their way into the gents.
I gave the guys a hand off the floor but left Stefan and Arthur to get themselves up.
‘Are you alright, baby?’ asked Anthea of Hilary as Alice cooed over Jagjit. Both ladies had joined their husbands to check they were okay.
‘I’m fine, angel,’ Hilary replied. ‘Tempest was being attacked.’
She shot me a sneer as she said, ‘You’re so brave,’ and kissed him.
‘What are you doing here, Vermont?’ I asked.
‘There is a beast to catch, is there not?’ He was wearing his usual uniform of tight leather trousers and a sleeveless silk shirt with a cape. His feet were in fancy, thigh-high boots that he might have stolen from a Musketeer.
The crowd peering through the toilet door parted as Big Ben pushed his way in. ‘Am I going to have to give you another beating?’ he asked as he came into Vermont’s personal space and looked down at him. Vermont is a big man, tall and muscular, Big Ben is just, well, taller and more muscular. There was so much tension in the room I was half expecting to see static electricity arc between the two men.
Vermont took a dramatic step back though and from somewhere behind his back he produced a sword. ‘This sword was given to me by a Benedictine monk. One of the nails used to pin Jesus Christ to the cross is worked into the hilt and the blade itself was quenched in holy water as it was worked. This I will use to slay the beast which threatens the lives of the people here.’
‘How about if I cram it up your butt?’ offered Big Ben.
I heard a scream then. Everyone else heard it too. From the hotel lobby maybe, the sound hard to pinpoint from inside the toilets, but the crowd outside were no longer looking in and they were beginning to disappear from view.
A shout from outside sounded like someone had said, ‘It’s the Yeti.’ We had been frozen in time for a second, but the shout galvanized everyone into action, the small door becoming a logjam as we all tried to fit through as one. Exploding through the doorway and into free air, Vermont bellowed for room, ramming his way through the crowd to get to the lobby area.
There were more screams ahead and as we were trying to get to the front of the hotel and the double height windows there, the people at the front were trying to get away from it. Vermont pushed through them, using his sword to scare people into moving out of his way and I followed on his heels, slipping through the gap he made.
The storm was still raging outside. It was as black as it could be, but the lightning was still flashing intermittently to illuminate the snow falling and swirling. As Vermont and I barged through the last line of people, a bolt of lighting provided a freeze frame of outside and there was the Yeti. On its back feet, standing to its impressive full height once more and snarling to the sky. Then it was gone, swallowed by the darkness once more.
The sight had caused my jaw to drop in awe, but Vermont didn’t even pause. His charge forward continued. ‘Stefan, Arthur, it’s slaying time,’ he called through gritted teeth as he touched something to his neck which released the cape. The cape fell to the floor in his wake as his henchmen also pushed through the crowd.
The madman was actually going outside! He didn’t even have a coat on.
‘Vermont, you fool! You’ll freeze!’ I shouted after him.
At the door he turned to face me, a smile on his face. ‘God will keep me warm, Mr Michaels.’ Then calmly, he pushed open the door and vanished into the storm.
I turned to look at the crowd of people watching the spectacle behind me. Stefan was just coming through the last of them but hadn’t noticed Big Ben who stuck out a helpful foot to send the man sprawling across the tile.
‘Don’t go out there,’ I implored both Stefan and Arthur as they tried to follow their boss.
‘Step aside, weakling,’ spat Arthur.
So, I did. Both men visibly steeled themselves against the cold, then they too vanished into the night.
Big Ben walked across the lobby. ‘They were fun. Shame they’re all dead now. Shall we eat? I’m starved.’
I stared at him then stared out the window again. How long could they survive outside? I didn’t know the answer, but I was willing to bet it was measured in minutes. I shrugged. Big Ben was right, everyone else had food getting cold at the table and there wasn’t a thing I could do to help Vermont.
I clapped Big Ben on the shoulder. ‘Let’s eat then.’ With a shared smile, we both took a step toward the bar area. The crowd was beginning to disperse, confused and scared faces wondering just what was going on, but the din of conversation carried one word continually: Yeti. We had gone two paces before the door behind us flew open again. A fresh savage blast of frigid air cut through the lobby as I span around to berate Vermont for endangering himself and his men, but it wasn’t Vermont trying to push the door shut. It was the police chief Francois Delacroix.
Big Ben and I rushed to help him close the door as others ran down to join us, including Michel Masson.
‘Francois,’ he said, ‘what is it?’
The police chief’s face was grave as he turned to us, ‘We’ve been trying to account for everyone that was on the slope today. It’s an almost impossible task because there are so many directions you can ski and stop.’ I didn’t like where this was going.
With dread understanding, Michel asked, ‘Who is it?’
An echo rippled around the lobby as the conversation was overheard. Everyone realised there were people that hadn’t made it down the mountain.
Francois’s shoulders slumped. ‘I have checked with all the other resorts. I think Remy Bernard and Andre Thomas are still on the mountain somewhere.’
‘Then we have to form a search party right now,’ Michel was already turning to address the crowd when Francois snagged his arm.
‘We can’t, Michel. It’s too dangerous and the mountain is too vast. We have to wait for the storm to pass and look for them in the morning.’
‘They’ll die if they’re exposed,’ he countered.
‘And everyone else that goes out there will die from exposure trying to find them,’ Francois calmly replied. ‘We have to pray they found shelter somewhere. They are villagers so they know how to survive in the cold.’
The conversation was being followed by the guests in the lobby, but no one was arguing with the idea of staying inside. Resigned, Michel nodded his reluctant agreement. ‘We must make arrangements to set out at first light. The storm will have blown through by then.’
‘You are probably right, Michel,’ agreed Francois. ‘Have everyone meet at my office, we will assign search areas and check people are dressed correctly before anyone sets off. I don’t want more casualties from well-meaning hotel guests. I’ll spread the word. Ask for volunteers, but,’ Francois held up a warning finger, ‘I want fit and able-bodied people. I don’t want children and pensioners.’
Big Ben shot me a glance to check before saying, ‘Count us in. We’ve both had Arctic survival training and have lived through worse than this.’
Francois accepted his offer gratefully. ‘I have to go. There is much to do. First light,’ he reminded us as he pushed the door open again and went back out into the night.
Michel faced us. ‘How’s the investigation going, boys? Francois told me you saw the Yeti up close today.’
‘We did,’ I admitted.
Then he said, ‘I have work to do, please excuse me.’ He began to move away, then stopped and signalled to a femal
e member of staff that was working in the restaurant. She scurried across, throwing a quick smile at us and then turning her attention to her boss. Michel said to us, ‘This is Lissette. She is the bar manager.’ Then he turned his gaze to her. ‘Please attend to these gentlemen’s needs.’
Big Ben whimpered with excitement, the noise escaping his lips to reach the lady’s ears. As Michel hurried away, Big Ben fixed her with a meaning-laden smile. ‘I believe that in all the excitement, our food has gone cold. Would you be a dear and arrange for replacement meals, kitten?’
Her mouth opened slightly as she stared up at him, her tongue slipping out to wet her lips, ‘Oui, Ben.’
‘Call me BIG Ben,’ he commanded.
She sucked in a quick gasp of air as she wilted beneath his smouldering gaze.
I just walked away.
Back at the table Jagjit and Alice and Hilary and Anthea were looking at their cold plates of food with disappointment. ‘Order fresh,’ I advised them. ‘The bar manager will take care of the bill.’
‘Are you sure?’ Anthea asked.
I inclined my head. ‘Pretty sure, yeah. Though it won’t be until after she climbs off Big Ben.’
‘Urgh,’ she made a small sound of disgust. ‘Is he at it again? All that man does is chase women.’
‘I don’t think many of them try to run away,’ replied Jagjit with a frown.
‘Really?’ said Alice having seen her husband’s face. ‘I’m not enough for you?’
‘Hold on,’ Jagjit was taking umbrage. ‘A few minutes ago, I was a hero for tackling a henchman twice my size and your poor baby because I have a fat lip. Now I’m I trouble because I have a friend with magic power over ladies’ underwear?’
It was time for me to exit before the marital bliss got flipped on its head. ‘I’m going to bed. Where are my dogs, please?’ I actually knew where they were. They were still tied to the table and straining to get to me. I bid my friends goodnight, took the dogs for another walk around the underground carpark, which I can tell you was significantly colder than the rest of the hotel, and went up to my room. Just as I got there, the older man in the room next to me was just getting back. He was stripping off outdoor clothing and had clearly been outside from the snow stuck to his gear.
