by Brown, Tara
“Is that an order or am I free to do what I want?” I half joked. Being back in Andorra meant Aiden might have something to say about what I did, where I went, and who I saw. Not because he cared, but because he liked to control things. And somehow, I still managed to draw a crowd. Apparently, that was never going to end.
“I think we both know he just wants you to be safe, and once it’s discovered you’re here, the crowds will gather. Security is tight with the large number of visiting dignitaries for the funeral. We don’t have spare staff.”
“Always the diplomat.” I laughed. “Fine. We will text if we need anything. For now, I think we’re great. But thank you for handling everything.” I hugged him once more. He was slightly less rigid.
“It was Mary who handled it all. Thank you for coming. He may not say it, but he needs you here.”
“We both know he won’t say it.” I pretended to be fine with that. “Anyway, I came because of Mary, Johan, and Jack. They’re still my family.”
“Of course.” He tried to hide a smile. “I will see you tomorrow. Get some rest and please contain her.” He pointed at the deck as Linna stepped back inside.
“I’ll try,” I lamented with a heavy sigh as he left.
Containing Linna was never easy.
“This suite makes me understand the connection with the name because it’s sweet.” She turned in a circle. “This might be the nicest one we’ve stayed in.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, fighting a yawn.
“No. You can’t possibly be bored and tired. We just got here. I want to have fun. We need to invite everyone over and hang out and have some drinks.”
“You go ahead, I’m exhausted. I worked all week, and I was up at five this morning for a run. I need sleep. The funeral is tomorrow. We need to be refreshed, and I feel like shit just being here. The anxiety is already making my stomach ache.”
“Just come in the hot tub,” she pleaded. “It’ll relax you and we’ll take some pics that suggest you’re totally having a good time. Mary will see them and she’ll show Aiden to rub it in his face. It’ll be good for you. Therapeutic.”
“Fine.” I chuckled weakly, hating that the little game of crushing his spirit would be good for me. “One hot tub and then I’m hitting the hay.”
She squealed and hurried to her room to get on a bikini.
When I turned and walked to my room, the master suite, I stopped in the doorway and let the room take my breath away. It truly was well done. Whoever designed it had knocked it out of the park. I’d known the hotel was being built, but it hadn’t affected me either way before, so I never followed the construction updates. Now I wished I had.
“Fin!” Linna shouted, nagging me into action.
“Yeah, yeah.” I entered my room and sat on the bed for a second. The whole world came to a grinding halt as I contemplated being back here. It took my breath away the moment I let myself feel anything.
Linna was right, there was no point in dwelling. I needed to be strong, get past the next five days, and not look back. He wasn’t looking back, that was abundantly clear.
I got up and went to the dresser, surprised to find my bathing suit placed in a drawer lined with lavender sachets and everything folded neatly. Removing anything felt wrong.
How had they managed to unpack it so pristinely and so quickly?
Once I was changed and wearing my lavender-scented robe over my suit, I made my way to the dining room table, noting they had literally thought of everything.
Fresh fruit, French pastries, Spanish cakes, chilled French champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and multiple bottles of wine from the various regions lined the table and shelves.
The bouquets were filled with tropical flowers and French lavender.
The heavy crystal chandeliers sparkled, creating a glint off the fine stemware left out for us.
Linna grabbed a bottle of rosé by Nicolas Feuillatte, the Grande Réserve label, a bottle I’d enjoyed once before. She lifted a strawberry into her plump lips before she took two long, sleek flutes and padded her way out to the terrace.
The air was warm, though the sun was set, and the sky had only lingering traces of color.
But it wasn't the sky that was the showcase tonight; the city sparkled with life, culture, and warmth from the week-long festival being held in memory of Aiden’s father. We had arrived in the city on day three and everything was alive in celebration of his life and accomplishments. Death was funny here, not as much grief but rather festivity in honor.
Though there was no love lost between the king and me, I pitied him for his early death and his family, who I loved for the most part, for their loss. Thinking of them created thoughts of him again. Hating the way Aiden still made me hurt everywhere, I climbed into the steamy water and pretended I was fine.
The hot tub was exactly as Linna had said, “off the charts.” It smelled fresh and perfect, something normal hotel hot tubs didn't do. The water effervesced from the small jets and watery blue lights.
As I sat, she handed me a flute and lifted her phone. I rolled my eyes but let her take the selfie of us, smiling in the brilliant blue light of the tub with the suite glistening in the background through the floor-to-ceiling windows. She’d caught the twinkling lights in the reflection of the windows, adding life to the stunning picture. She was a master of angles, so we looked hot even before she Facetuned us both.
“How did we ever end up with this life?” she asked with a satisfied sigh and posted on Insta with #MysteryLocation and #RandomCityLights. She sent it as her streaks for Snapchat. At least the city was nondescript since everyone who was anyone would see it. Even Aiden. I suspected he hadn’t closed down his secret account and spied on us with it. But maybe that was me hoping he cared enough to. The same way I spied on him using Jess’, particularly in low moments.
“God only knows.” I sipped, enjoying the fruity blend and wondering instead where Aiden was.
We were not only under the same sky and stars, but in the same city.
My heart ached as I tried to ignore this.
Just as I had done from the moment I’d landed back in Glasgow two months ago. I’d cried the entire flight, my face swollen and my heart broken. I’d allowed myself to be a little bitch about it for the flight before telling myself to woman up.
And that was what I did.
And every time my heart ached, or my stomach twinged, or tears choked me to the point I couldn't get air, I reminded myself of that. Woman up.
And if that didn't work, I walked myself through the science of it all that Hattie had gifted me.
Aiden, someone I might always deem important, did not feel the same way about me. And that was okay. It didn't have to feel okay, but it wouldn't kill me.
And it was also okay that he would always be the boy who had stolen my heart and refused to give it back.
Even if he didn't want it anymore.
Because I was not so pathetic as to be ruined by one boy.
Even if he was the one.
2
There are two sides to every story. And whoever tells their side first and the loudest is the one people believe. Just ask Twitter.
The funeral
“You all right?” Linna asked for the tenth time as she gripped my hand while we made our way into the church.
“Honestly, I’m fine.” I pulled her to a seat and sat, quite familiar with my spot at the back. Keeping my head down, I pretended to blend in, praying I did with my bland and simple dress and Linna’s no-makeup makeover she’d learned from watching YouTube tutorials.
But, as expected, people took notice of me and where I was seated. Fortunately, they at least didn’t take pictures or film me, respecting our location and the grave circumstances we were here for.
“Then why are your hands so sweaty?” she asked, wiping her hand on her dress.
“I don’t like crowds or churches,” I whispered, staring up at a large coffin—or rather a fancy and ornate coffin—a
t the front, decorated in the colors of the Andorran flag: red, yellow, and blue. A sizable picture with a hand-carved frame was next to it, portraying the king healthy and robust in his royal garb. Exactly as he was when we met.
“Did you talk to your dad today?”
“Yeah.” I nodded slightly. “He said the same as you, ‘It’s three days, Fin. You can do anything for three days.’” I wasn’t so sure about the truth of that sentence now that we were here.
“The man’s a genius. Where do you think I got the line from?” She nudged me. “There’s Carter.”
Bea and Carter and Dee and Mark entered with a crowd, all looking forlorn as they made their way to the front and sat. After them, another large procession of people entered, taking their seats based on importance to the family. Carter scanned the area, likely searching for us. He clearly didn’t enjoy being the only American in the group with her family. Linna offered him a slight wave to which he cringed, realizing we were so far away, and sat before Bea spotted us.
When everyone was seated, the church grew quiet with anticipation. From a side door the queen mother came in first. She was dressed all in black, resembling a gothic bride and clutching a stark white handkerchief, the color shocking compared to the rest of her.
She was followed by Aiden who escorted Alex in. Her fingers dug into his forearm, wrinkling his jacket as she clung to him, making my insides rot. The sight was unbearable.
This was how he’d spent his two months? Of course. No doubt the moment we broke up, his mother had been hard at work, sealing that fate. I’d be a fool to have expected otherwise. And there was no denying I’d feared it, considering the lengths Alex had gone to. Eventually, Aiden would have to give in and do what he was being pressured to believe was right for his country.
Linna gripped me tighter as a gasp left her lips. “That fucker,” she muttered.
“Shhhh,” I calmed her.
Johan escorted Mary in next with Jack on their heels.
They sat up front, along the side, so we could see them, even from the cheap seats.
A bell rang and the heavy wooden doors closed around us, all at once, sealing us in as though we were in an ancient tomb.
A man in robes, one of the priests, came up and began singing in a baritone. His song was about a king.
“What’s he saying?” Linna whispered. She still hadn’t learned Catalan.
“It’s about the first king of this land and how his blood flowed through the rivers and valleys and planted all the trees and flowers,” I whispered back.
“Weird.”
I nodded and sat back, my eyes stuck on the one face I couldn't break from. He seemed bigger, which was odd. Thicker perhaps. His jaw was set, stern and emotionless. His eyes fierce with a hint of his emotions being contained.
The boy who wrote me letters was gone.
The boy I loved more than anything had vanished into thin air.
And yet, as he grew and changed and became something I didn't recognize, I loved him more. I hated that. The relationship was over but I wasn't over it. Not the way he was.
In fact, I was obsessed with it. With him. And that was what I hated the most. I wanted him, wanted to ruin him and to murder him in various but nonetheless equal ways.
For a girl who had struggled with uncertainty over the relationship for so long, it was painfully amusing that the moment it was over, I knew how wrong I’d been. The moment he stopped chasing me and coming after me and it was final, I understood what I’d lost because I finally understood what I’d had.
I never appreciated him properly until that moment.
A cruel irony, though Hattie had told me it was a fair fate.
And yet, seeing him with Alex, knowing how much that would wound me, I was certain this was the right path. A life with him meant never fully relaxing. Never being safe from sabotage. Though that knowledge didn’t ease my pain.
The two months thus far had been brutal.
I was the most basic bitch in a breakup.
I gained weight.
Lost it.
Sent my friends images of quotes about moving on. Pinned eight thousand images about being strong on Pinterest, my only sneaky social media. Me and the soccer moms . . .
I’d started a thousand texts to him.
Tapped his name in contacts so many times my fingertips ached.
Written him letters that I’d burned in the end, crying and alone but putting on a show like someone was watching.
I had even tried making up day trips for him, the way he had for me, but they seemed lame in comparison.
And in the end, when I realized it was truly over, I spent my evenings alone, poring over the limited photos we had taken over the years, rare fleeting moments spent together, spread across huge gaps of time.
Sometimes, I wondered if the small amount we saw each other had brought on the end more than his family had. I blamed them, but perhaps distance was the villain.
To everyone else, it was me. I was the devil who had broken poor King Aiden. But don’t worry, friends, Princess Alex was right there to gobble up my leftovers. Gah!
The song ended and the priest, who had done Aiden’s coronation nearly three years earlier, walked to the podium. In that brief second of shuffling, noise, and movement, Aiden stole a look, his eyes leading his face directly to the back of the church, as if he knew where I’d be.
I couldn't be sure we’d made eye contact from this distance, but my cramping stomach suggested we might have.
The rest of the service was a blur.
As the pallbearers left carrying the coffin, Aiden, Johan, and Jack among them, his eyes darted to mine as he passed.
I offered nothing, unsure of what one did in a moment like this.
The church emptied the way it had at his coronation, front to back, and by the time everyone was gone, Linna and I were all that was left.
“Tell me we're done,” she said, standing and stretching.
“I have to go to the mansion for the wake. I promised Mary I would.”
“I’m not going to the mansion, Fin. I’ll kill him and that slut—”
“Don't say ‘slut’ in church.” I gave her a side-glance as I forced myself to stand. “Or at all. It’s one of the words Jess made us swear not to use anymore. Derogatory toward women, remember that story?”
“She deserves it. Alex is a ho and you know it.” Linna wasn't giving up. “Scammy ho. I smelled it on her the second I met her, and the stink hasn't gone away. And I don’t care that she’s fooled everyone else; she’s a liar.” She linked her arm in mine. “Let’s go to the pub and have a drink and meet everyone after the wake.”
“I have to go.” I sighed. “But you don’t. I’m not going to make you. Besides, you’re right, we both know you won’t be able to keep it in your pants.”
“Nope. I brought my slapping hand.” She open and closed her right hand several times.
I wished she was all talk. But I’d felt the slapping hand, firsthand. She wasn't a fierce fighter and though we’d both cried afterward, she had fought me over far less than Alex was guilty of.
“I’ll meet you at the hotel room later.” I pulled on my sunglasses and made my way out of the church, suddenly aware of one obvious thing: the leak had occurred.
Dread filled me as I saw them.
Their cameras and phones were already snapping photos, although the onlookers weren’t allowed near the church. A wall of guards kept them back.
One face stood out amongst the crowd, as always. Tracy was waiting for me. He smiled and motioned his head at the SUV. My coach was waiting. Only it wasn't taking me to the ball.
I hurried to him as everyone behind the guard line shouted at me, questioning everything from my dress to my relationship status.
By the time Tracy closed the door, I heaved my breath, realizing I had been holding it.
“You all right, Fin?” he asked as he got in and drove away.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Thanks for waiting
for me. I sort of hoped they’d all be gone, following the royal family.”
“Indeed, they don't care a fig about the royal family when you’re around.” He chuckled and turned up the road that led to the mansion.
“That’s because they behave themselves when the cameras are on them, whereas I always give a show,” I grumbled and stared out the window. “Did someone leak that I was at the funeral or were they expecting it?” I worried about my impact on the day.
“Leaked.” His eyes met mine in the rearview. “I suspect you and I both know who leaked that; we don't need to say it. She likes that you add the burden of spectacle with everything you do, everywhere you go.” Tracy hating Alex was the only bit of icing I got on my cake. He and Mary both did. Johan wasn't a fan, but he was indifferent either way. It didn't help my cause that somehow in the last two years she had proven herself a massive asset, so Aiden and his mother had both grown fond of her again. Her previous behavior was dismissed as either grief induced or due to her being the victim of a greedy and power-hungry mom. I’d given her the benefit of the doubt, but it only lasted a couple of months, then her true colors came pouring out. Unfortunately, it had been difficult to prove she was the devil. Particularly from St Andrews.
“She’s a real pain in my ass.” Dread was heavy like a lead blanket weighing me down. It was too strong to ignore. I promised myself if I got through the next hour, I was free from him and Alex and the evil queen forever. And the road to mending my heart awaited me.
This was closure. It had to be. The relationship was over.
Two months had passed. He wasn't begging to get back together or asking me to forgive him or even give him an apology. He had broken things off and lost my number.
I needed to do the same.
But first, I had to finish this last chapter of the book. I couldn't burn it until I did.
When Tracy turned into the driveway, passing the gate and guardhouse, my insides clenched. I took several deep breaths and hoped my weird Aiden-sweating would stay away. The hot Andorran summer wasn't helping with that.
