Chapter 21
Loss
Carrie
In the end, it wasn’t Sean who called. It was Jay. He told her everything. It was funny, he didn’t tell her that it was safe to come back home. He told her that her world could go back to normal.
But it couldn’t.
Her dad was furious. He kept pushing her for an explanation. She didn’t have one. She didn’t have any of the answers that he wanted. The best she could do was tell him she’d snuck out a couple times to see Sean and that since he had a past and it caught up with him, she was in danger. That of course, made everything worse. Her dad asked her a thousand times how she could have been so careless. He was wounded that she’d lied to him. He was betrayed that it was Sean, who he didn’t like and didn’t trust, with good reason.
Though he was angry with her, he didn’t belittle her. He didn’t drag it out or tell her to get out of the house. He didn’t tell her she was a terrible mother or call her irresponsible more than once. He’d accepted her apology and for him, it seemed like enough. He didn’t ask her to promise never to see Sean again, because he knew already, that it was over. She couldn’t have a future with someone she didn’t even know. Someone who had lied to her by omission and endangered her.
Jay also dropped a choice bit of information. That Sean was in the hospital with a fairly serious knife wound to his right shoulder. He said the guy was going to make a full recovery, but if she wanted to stop in… he left it at that.
She didn’t go.
Life went back to normal. Her dad went back to work. The garage functioned as before. She dropped her dad off for work and picked him up every single day. Jennie didn’t sleep any better. She was still up all night and most of the day. Carrie was still just as exhausted.
It was all so normal. So very normal. She couldn’t stand it. She felt like a piece of her heart had been ripped out. She felt Sean’s absence keenly, even if she told herself she shouldn’t. How could she truly miss a person who had never actually been a part of her life?
Except, he had. She couldn’t resist the pull he had on her and he couldn’t either. That was very obvious to her, since he showed such regret that day he’d come to warn her. She’d gone, that night. Packed and left twenty minutes later. She hadn’t actually had a chance to call the police. She and Jennie and her dad were still driving when Jay called to tell her it was over.
So for the time, Sean was safe as well. Sean or whatever his name actually was.
It was a Tuesday night. The night Carrie always went out for groceries. By herself. Her dad always stayed home with Jennie so that she could get it done.
She knew she shouldn’t. She had ever reason in the world not to go to the hospital. Every single odd was stacked against her. They always had been.
She went anyway. She wasn’t sure Sean would even be there, but when she asked for him, gave his first and last name, the name she assumed he’d be using, she was given a room number.
The elevator ride was long and slow. It was made slower by the fact that she got to the fourth floor six times. She kept turning around and getting back in the down elevator and going back to the main floor. She was out the door the last time, the main door and back in the parking lot, when she squared her shoulders and marched back in.
She deserved an explanation. If anything, she was going to see Sean to learn the truth. She deserved to know. She had to know. She didn’t think she could move on without having that closure. No, she knew she couldn’t. She felt trapped. Stuck in a mire that she couldn’t escape from. If she was ever going to get on with her life, she had to put Sean where he belonged. In the past.
The light rap of her knuckles on the closed door surprised even her. She jumped a little at the sound. A minute later a deep voice, a voice she knew all too well, a voice that kicked her racing heart into overdrive, echoed from within.
She pushed open the door and froze just inside. Sean was in bed, wearing a light blue hospital gown. He had an IV hooked up to his wrist. Cords and strings and all sorts of other devices hung next to the bed, monitoring his vitals.
“Carrie.” Her name was breathless on his lips. He stared at her in disbelief.
Her eyes met his and she was struck by how glorious they were. God, she’d missed him. She’d missed those eyes, the way he looked at her, the way he saw right down into her soul, the way he opened himself up so she could stare right down into his.
She swallowed hard, pushing back the rising lump of sorrow that stopped up her throat. The pinpricks started at the backs of her eyes anyway. She blinked hard and was able to keep the tears from falling.
Sean sat up further. He looked like he was going to try and get up, but she wasn’t sure that was a good idea. It had only been a few days since he was stabbed. She didn’t know if he was even allowed to be out of bed.
“Don’t,” she whispered. She put up a hand, stopping him. “I’ll come.”
She spotted a light green chair in the corner. It was ancient and beat up. The seat was threadbare and sagging. She dragged it over to the edge of the bed. The damn thing was surprisingly heavy. She sunk down and leaned forward just a little. She didn’t have time for preamble.
“My dad thinks I’m getting groceries. I almost didn’t come.”
Sean blinked. Those sea green eyes were larger and more liquid than ever. “But you did.”
“I did. But… maybe I shouldn’t have.” She sighed hard. “Look… Sean- I don’t even know your name. I- I came because I needed closure. I came to tell you this is over.”
He nodded slowly, but he couldn’t mask the pain. He didn’t even really try. It was written all over his features, in the downturn of his lips. Lips that she remembered the exact shape of, the way they felt under her tongue, pressed against hers, on her bare, heated flesh. In the flare of his nostrils, the extra liquid swimming in his eyes and the lines that bracketed them.
“Yes. I know. One last time you said. I believed you.”
She hadn’t believed herself. She hadn’t wanted to believe herself. She didn’t want there to ever be a last time. She still didn’t, but she knew that they had no future. “I- I can’t be with you. I don’t even know who you are. I don’t even know what your real name is.”
He didn’t tell her. Just nodded one, briefly, curtly, like he’d expected her to come and dismiss him as though he meant nothing. Nothing at all. Her heart was breaking. It fucking shouldn’t be, but it was. It felt like there was a giant crack in there and that it was never going to be right again.
“I get it. I was never any good for you. I tried to stay away. I tried to spare you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry... more than you’ll ever know.”
I’m not. I’m glad you didn’t stay away. She couldn’t say that. Not because she couldn’t be honest, but because it would have been so fucking hard. It would have made it impossible to leave. Now. In the future. Ever. I have to. I have to leave.
“I’m not going to ask you to tell me everything. Your business is your own. I- it doesn’t even matter now. Jay told me that it was over and I believed him. You were stabbed for god sakes. I… I don’t even know why I’m really here. I just- I couldn’t not come. I had to be here to- to say goodbye. It wouldn’t be over otherwise.”
“I get it.” He didn’t blink. Not once. His eyes held hers and that pain trickling into her heart turned into a full-on deluge.
“Sean- really. I- I’ve never met anyone like you. I want you to know that. It was good. It was really fucking good, while it lasted.”
He reached out and she couldn’t not take his hand. She was careful, careful to avoid the IV sticking out of it. Her fingers wrapped around his. Even in the hospital, recovering from a knife wound that had to be fairly serious to have kept him in the hospital for so many days, he was strong. So much stronger than her. He was always gentle. Those calloused, stained, mechanic’s hands were always so very, very gentle.
“It was good for me too,” he said quietly. “The best. Take care,
Carrie.”
Her eyes filled up with tears and there was nothing she could do to stop them from flowing down her cheeks. She knew in a few minutes she’d be a wreck. She had to be out of there, far away from him. Alone. In her car, where she could lose it there. Where she could sob out her loss and pull herself together and go get her damn groceries and get on with her life.
“You too.” She squeezed his hand, just for a second, before she untangled her fingers from his. She stood and backed up slowly, bumping into the chair before she reoriented herself.
She stumbled from the room, already blinded by tears. When the door banged shut behind her, she shuffled down the hall, half running, half blindly surging forward. Somehow she made it out to the car, where the tears flowed freely.
Seeing Sean hadn’t made anything better. It made it worse. Worse, because she knew for certain, that her heart was never going to truly heal. She might get on with her life. In a couple years, she might even find someone else and do all the normal things other people did, but there was never going to be anyone like Sean. Not for her. He was the one, that one that people talked about. The one who came into your life and wrecked you if you lost them. She was certain that though her time with him had been brief, she wasn’t going to be right for a very long time. And she didn’t even know his name.
Chapter 22
The Interim
Sean
Sean didn’t like to think of it as running away.
After being released from the hospital, Sean packed his shit and done what he should have done weeks before that. He got the hell out of Miami. He ended up in Houston, drifting and aimless. He got himself an extended stay motel room, but didn’t intend on making it permanent. Obviously.
A month passed. And another. And another. Sean knew he had to get a job. Not because he needed the money. He knew that if he sat around any longer he was going to lose his fucking mind.
He needed to get his thoughts off the one track they’d been on since he left Miami. Carrie. She was as much a part of him as if he’d known her his entire life. He wasn’t sure why or how, but it was true. There was a difference between knowing it and wanting her and being able to do anything about it.
Sean didn’t hold out any hope for a second chance. God, it would be way more like a fifth or sixth chance. He’d burned up all his chances the night he had to go to Carrie’s house and tell her she was in danger. He never should have got involved with her. Not until his past was resolved. If he could have known it would have been as easy as taking a knife to the shoulder and twenty-eight stitches, he would have gladly done it a long time ago. Years before. That way he could have been free.
Even though Slim Rick had been carted off, or at least Jay told him that the guy was finished, when he visited in the hospital, Sean couldn’t take chances until he knew for sure. If there was ever a breath of hope that he could go back to Miami, which he knew there really wasn’t, he couldn’t exhale or inhale until he knew for sure that Rick was done for.
Sean wasn’t exactly surprised when a sharp rap on his motel room door sounded one morning. He’d lost track of time, as usual, and half drifted off. He’d set his alarm early, showered and shaved. He was ready to go out and apply for a few jobs with the fake ass ID, name and history he was still using. As usual, he never got around to it.
He started out of a half asleep, half-awake stupor. He didn’t know who the hell would be knocking on his door. There were no people in his present or even in his future at the moment. Which left his past.
Sean shook off any lingering vestiges of sleep. He scrambled off the bed and warily looked through the small peep hole in the battered metal door.
He let out a hard rush of breath when he saw Percy’s face on the other side. He didn’t even bother with worrying about his safety. He unlocked the door and pulled it open.
“It’s been a while and this isn’t Miami,” he said gruffly. “Yet you still managed to find me just fine.”
“You’re still using the same shit name. Sean Ryan. What kind of name is that anyway? Right up there with the dumbest ones I’ve ever heard.”
Sean shrugged. He allowed the shadow of a smile as he stepped back. Percy walked into the room and glanced around.
“Nice place you have here. By nice, I mean the place is a dump.”
“I could take offense to that, but I won’t, since you’re right. It’s just a place to crash for now, until I figure out what my next move is. I didn’t want to waste money on something fancy when this is good enough.”
“I guess you were waiting to hear back from us.”
“Maybe I was.” Sean didn’t bother sitting down since there was only one beat up chair in the room. It leaned unmercifully to the right and would probably topple if anyone even tried to put some weight on it.
“I thought maybe you were. I happened to be passing through town and I thought I’d pay you a visit.”
“You just happened?”
“I just happened to be, yes.”
“Where you heading?”
Percy shrugged. “Don’t know either. Down south, I guess. I’m not sure when I’ll stop. Probably end up somewhere real south and real warm. I’ve always wanted to go there. I thought now was probably the best chance.”
Sean let silence settle between them for a few long moments. “So it’s over then?” The gravity of those words weighed him down. It was the question he felt like he’d spent a lifetime waiting to ask.
“It’s over,” Percy confirmed.
There was something in his voice, a hard edge, that made Sean shudder. He didn’t know what happened to Rick and he wasn’t going to ask. If Percy said he didn’t have to worry about it, he knew that it really was truly over. They were free. All of them. No more running. No more looking over his shoulder. No more having to use a fake ID. Not if he didn’t want to. Although there were perks to that… he didn’t mind the name Sean Ryan, even if everyone else thought it was pretty damn silly.
“So, what are you going to do with yourself now? I doubt that down south is where you want to be.”
“I don’t know,” Sean admitted. He wanted to take a seat on the edge of the bed, but he remained standing. “I don’t fucking know.” It was real damn hard to admit that he had no idea what the hell he wanted to do with the freedom he’d envisioned for so long.
“What about the girl you had in Miami?”
“That’s over.”
“Because of what happened with Rick or because you’re too damn scared to give it another shot?”
Sean swallowed back the heated retort that jumped to his tongue. It wasn’t Percy’s fault that he was being blunt. The guy had been pretty much a brother for years.
“Because it’s over. Because of my past. Because I couldn’t tell her anything about it, so I pretty much lied to her. I put her in danger and she had a brand new baby. Her father hates me, but he hated me before any of that went down. She was sneaking out to be with me. I knew it had no future. She knew it too.”
Percy studied him hard. Sean barely repressed a shiver. There was something cold and calculating about the guy, even if he knew he could trust him with his life. It had always been that way. Even those who considered Percy a friend were always unnerved by him.
“Too bad.”
It was clear that was all the guy had to say on the matter. Sean nodded. “Yeah, well… it’s better this way. She doesn’t need that shit in her life.”
“You could sure as hell have used her though, I’ll bet.”
“Maybe.” It didn’t kill him to admit it. It was the truth and he’d come to terms with it over the past few months while he’d been alone.
Percy stared at him hard for a few minutes. “You still have a chance, you know. If you wanted to take it. Don’t fuck it up, Sean. If that’s your name now. Don’t fuck it up.”
“I already have.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. Did she tell you it was over?”
“Most definitely.”
“I s
ee. Well… there’s always South. The sun, the water, the beaches, the food, the women…”
“Yeah. Maybe I’ll consider it.”
“No, you won’t. No, you fucking won’t. You’d be miserable. I say you get your ass back to Miami and beg that woman for a second chance.”
“I’ve had a second chance. I’ve had a million chances. I’ve used them all up. She has a kid. I have no place in her life. She’s way the hell better off without me.”
“Says who? You? You and your fucking pity party squirreled away in this dank piece of shit motel room? Rick is gone. The gang is done. That part of our lives is over. We made mistakes getting into it and staying in it. Not all the time, but some of it was wrong. We all knew it. That’s over now. You’re free to do whatever the hell you want. So do it. Go out there and fucking do it.”
“I- I can’t ask her to take me back. Not after what happened.”
“What happened? What happened to her? Nothing. Nothing happened and nothing will happen. Like I said, it’s done. It’s over.”
“Something could have happened though. It could have been bad, if Rick got to her before I did.”
“He didn’t though. We had your back. We kept him on track. Brought him right to the garage.”
“You had my back right up until he put a knife in it.”
“And that sealed his fate. You took one for the team.”
Sean shuddered again. He didn’t want to think about Rick and where he was now. He very much doubted he was alive and if he was, he certainly wasn’t alive and well. He didn’t know what to say so he shut his mouth and said nothing at all. Percy gave him another long, hard look. His skin crawled and that same tremor went right up his spine. The hair stood on end and never sat back down. The guy was so damn pale. Maybe that was it. All that pale skin combined with that black greasy hair. The sun down south would probably do him wonders. Maybe undo all the shit he’d been through in the past. Maybe there was healing to be found for them all.
Hard and Dirty: Bad Boy MC Romance Page 11
