by Rae B. Lake
I was ready to kill a man for alcohol. I was so far gone that I was willing to take someone’s life for no reason at all. I was the president of a motorcycle club, the one the town came to when there was trouble. It was up to me to help those that needed help, fuck up who we needed to be fucked up, protect my brothers and my family. I was the one who made the decisions, I was the one everyone looked up to. Now there was a monster in our midst and I had done nothing to stop him, I lost my brothers, I lost my family, I lost my woman. I was so far under rock bottom that I was willing to kill someone for eighty dollars. Talk about falling far from grace.
I cried hard, “Fuck this, I can’t fucking do this. I can’t.” I closed my eyes and just like every other time, Laura’s petrified face met me in the dark. She was running towards me as that fuck Vilanuevas had his gun to my head. My home and club burning down all around her, my brothers littering the ground around her.
Alex!
“No!” I croaked out loud, as the moment her head snapped back and her light seeped out of her eyes, played out over and over again in my mind.
Over and over and over.
I have watched my life fall into shambles a million times over in my mind and nothing I tried, no amount of drink or drugs, ever took the pain away.
“Stop!” I hit my head against the wall behind me hard, trying to force the firing neurons in my brain to play a different memory. Snot poured out of my nose, my muscles clenched and shook from lack of food, booze and drugs, my heart beat hard against my chest and my throat was raw from screaming.
“Fuck!” I yelled and reached around to my back pulling my gun out and jamming the barrel to my temple. My hands shook and a cold sweat broke out all over my skin. My fingers wrapped around handle and my pointer finger placed just a bit of tension on the trigger.
I didn’t deserve to be here; it was my fault. It was my job to protect her. It was my job to protect my family, my job to protect my town and I failed them all. It should be me rotting in the ground, not my brothers, not my beautiful Laura. My Laura. I just wanted to touch her one more time. I wasn’t strong enough to do this.
I put a little more tension on the trigger, I could hear the gears and metal straining with pent up energy, a slight winding sound letting me know it was ready to deliver my absolution. It would be so simple and the pain would be gone. It would be over.
*Click, click, click*
“Aye papi...what are you doing to me?”
I sucked in a huge breath and dropped the gun from my head. Her sweet voice, my Laura. It bathed me in a soft balm, and just for that one second the pain was gone. I took in a few more deep breaths, I looked at my hand and the dangerous weapon that was taunting me with the promise of peace.
It was my fault; I didn’t deserve the peace.
I let the pain come back to me, I flicked the safety back on and pushed it away from me. I would suffer, even if it meant I would be suffering forever.
I fell to the floor and pulled my knees to my chest, I cried until the sound of my sobbing drowned out the music from downstairs and my eyelids were too heavy to stay open.
Chapter 3
By the time I woke up again, I had been mostly sober for at least forty eight hours. The shakes and muscles aches I was feeling were intense. I was detoxing, even in my state I knew that shit was dangerous. I took a quick swig of the shit I had there and got up to go back outside. I walked down the stairs and it looked like Devin was setting up for the night. I had slept through a full fucking day. I turned toward the door but the simple motion of swinging my head was enough to get me dizzy as hell. I grabbed my stomach and was slightly surprised to feel that instead of the abs that I had all of my life, my gut was sunken. I was starving. I turned back to the bar walking with purpose. Devin must have seen me coming because he stopped what he was doing and I watched his hand move down below eyesight. He was reaching for a gun.
I made it to the bar and stared at him for a second. He didn’t flinch. I smirked as I reached toward him and could see his muscles tense slightly, he wasn’t going to get caught flat footed by me again. I was sure he would shoot me if he had to.
I dropped my hand down on the sandwich he had sitting on the bar. There was already a bite taken out of it, I couldn’t care less. I took a huge bite, chewed twice before swallowing the grotesque combination down whole.
I looked pointedly at his hand below the bar, “Smart man.”
Devin raised his hand above the bar, and had the nerve to look a little embarrassed, “Shit, my bad man.”
“Fuck that, I would have done the same. I’m going to go get your rent. Thanks for the sandwich.” I turned to walk away but I had to ask before I left, “What the fuck is this shit anyway.”
“Spam, cheese and mayo, what the fuck were you expecting, caviar?”
I cringed as I turned back to the door.
I needed to pay this man so he could get some real food.
I made my way to the storage container I had at the pier. No one knew it was there and no one I knew had one here. I opened the heavy door and looked at all the possessions I had left in this world. A stash of paintings, one I was sure was an original Picasso but never actually got it appraised. Bags of jewelry, most of it I had for Laura but a few were there for a kid that I never would have. I had always imagined Laura waddling down the stairs with a big belly, my seed growing big and strong in her womb. I shook my head, the pain was becoming unbearable again. I would never have that dream, she would never give me a child, I would never see her coming down the stairs with my baby in her belly. Never.
“Motherfucker!” I slammed my hand against the tin wall, the loud bang echoing around the long container.
I looked over to where I left my baby, my bike, an old Harley. Almost all her parts had been repaired so many times I doubted there was anything straight from the factory remaining. I rode her hard and I used to ride her often. I walked over to where she sat and dug into the saddle bag attached to the side. I pulled out a bank bound stack of bills, it was my last ten thousand dollars. I had made millions of dollars during my time as a Wing, now I was down to my last couple of thousand and if I kept up with my drug habit that would be gone before I knew it.
I could sell the jewelry but for some reason the fact that they were meant for Laura kept me from doing it. I could sell the bike, it wasn’t like I would ever ride it again. I wasn’t a member of the Wings of Diablo anymore. I had abandoned them. I had disrespected my kutte and left my brothers to die.
I sighed and turned to leave the storage container, I guess when the time came I knew what the first thing to go would be. I would miss it but I didn’t deserve it.
I walked down the dark back street and as usual there was no one around. If I didn’t know that the storage area was back there I would swear this was a dead end. I jumped over the fence and I nearly jumped out of my skin when a small child screamed. The ball that she was obviously trying to get left abandoned as she took off screaming and running towards two women.
“Hey, wait a minute.” I don’t know what they thought I was trying to do but even in the dark at the wrong end of the alley I could see the fear that was in their large eyes.
I watched as the woman in the middle picked up the screaming girl and turned to run away. The last thing I needed was for one of them to alert the cops that there was some sicko trying to abduct little girls or some weird shit like that. I had to clear this up.
I started in on a quick jog. “Hey, don’t run, I’m not trying to do anything.”
I turned the corner and saw the trio of them turn and my breath flew out of my mouth. A strange burning sensation spread from one point in my abdomen and in a wave like formation radiated around my body. For some reason my brain could not understand why my body was feeling the way it was and why all three of the ladies I was just chasing were staring at me in confusion. Or where the blood was coming from.
I looked down at my gut and there was a foreign object jutting out from my st
omach. I touched it, it was hard and felt like metal.
“Ugh, well… fuck me.” I fell to my knees, my eyes never leaving the weapon. They stabbed me, talk about an overreaction.
I fell back and I looked at the stars in the sky. I wanted to be angry but I was so happy. I was going back to Laura. The pain was gone and it was thanks to these women.
“I have never seen him, I don’t see anyone else, do you think they know we are here?” One of the girls spoke and the way her voice trembled with fear made part of me want to reach out and just tell them that they had nothing to fear, at least from me. They were obviously afraid of someone enough to kill a virtual stranger.
Alex...no.
I could hear Laura. Instead of the voice getting louder like I thought it would when I was this close to joining her, it actually sounded like she was getting further and further away. She sounded sad, almost like she was disappointed.
“Come on, let’s go, we have to go.” The oldest of the three pulled the two girls away.
Alex.
“Laura? My Laura.” I could feel myself going, I knew this was it for me. This was my end I was going to be a goner laying in my own dirty ass clothes in a piss filled alley. My fall was complete.
“Em? What are you doing? Let’s go!” One of the girls whispered in a harsh tone.
“Vida, I don’t think he is one of them, he doesn’t look like he is. I think…”
It sounded like I was being dragged under water. The voices around me popped in and out.
“How are we going to do that?”
I could vaguely hear a little girl crying, I knew it was the young girl that I scared when I jumped over the fence.
“He’s not a bad man? I’m sorry, Mikki, I’m sorry.” The little girl slurred out between sobs. I finally started to float into a deep sleep and then pain.
“Fuck!” I screamed out in agony as the two bigger woman tried to lift me to my feet. “What the shit! Leave me alone!” I tried to push them off, even though every little jerk felt like the blade in my gut was spewing out acid.
“Look, here mister, I don’t know who you are but we can’t leave you here. You will die. We can take you to the hospital.”
“No, just leave me here. Let me fucking die in peace.” I tried again weakly to lay back down on the filthy pavement.
For a moment they stopped moving and there was peace, until the spell was broken and there was pain again.
“No, you are going to come with us. It was an accident, we thought you were trying to take us back. We can’t go back. I can fix you up. You just have to help us, please.”
I opened my eyes and for the first time since I left my family it felt like the sun was warming my face. Something about the way she was staring at me, pleading with me, holding on to me made me focus a little harder. I shook off the feeling. She was right. I couldn’t die here, if I did whomever was looking for her in the first place would come searching for them. My last act was not going to be a failure to protect someone else. If I was going to die, I would die where no one would find me. Let my body rot and stink before someone realized that I was gone.
“Fine, shit, but take the fucking knife out first.” I tried to grab the handle of the knife and pull out but the woman they called Mikki stopped.
“No, no we can’t do that now.”
“Why the fuck not?” I asked pouting and grimacing in pain.
“Mister, you curse a lot.” The little girl that I originally scared said from behind the other woman who I could see know was nothing more than a teenager.
I looked down to her and as much as I wanted to tell her to mind her fucking business, I wouldn’t. She looked like an angel. Her curly hair was dirty and blowing in the wind.
“Pardon me, angel.”
Her eyes got wider as she hid behind the teenager more.
“How the fuck did you know her name?” The woman in front of me, grabbed the knife and I could see that she was ready to rip it out. If what they had already done to me didn’t kill me, ripping it out surely would.
“What?”
“You just called her Angel, if they didn’t send you for us, how the fuck did you know her name?”
I could feel my eyebrows raise up on my face, “Well hell, that was just fucking lucky. She looks like an angel. It was the first thing that came in mind when I looked at her. I swear to you I don’t have a clue who the hell you are. I was just coming from my storage container when I ran into her. I am not here to take you anywhere.”
She looked into my eyes and must have seen something that reassured her, she let go of the knife and moved beneath my arm.
“You know, that’s not the first time that’s happened.” She started to move slowly and step by agonizing step I did my best not to put too much weight on her. Before we even made it out of the alley I was ready to fall back down.
“Mikki, there is no way that we are going to make it the hospital and you know they are going to be there waiting for us.”
“You’re right.” The woman turned back to me, “Mister, I am going to take you back to our place, if you try anything, I will yank this blade out and bring your intestines out with it. Do you understand?”
I wanted to ask her who the fuck she was talking to but I had no energy, my body already suffering from the lack of food and water. Now with the loss of blood, I had no energy to do shit. All I could do was nod.
I let my feet drag as she was pulled me along the footpath, my head fell forward with my chin resting on my chest, I had no idea where she was taking me but I was trusting her. All I could hope was that Laura was going to be there in my dreams.
Chapter 4
“Laura!” I screamed out, my face drenched in sweat, my body shaking and my muscles feeling like they were ripping away from the very bones they were attached to. “Fucking shit!” I opened my eyes and tried to move, but I turned too fast and started gagging from the movement, burning bile spewing out of my mouth and onto the pillow that I was laying on. My teeth chattered and my head swam searching for a way out of this agony.
I looked around but I didn’t recognize anything around me.
Where the fuck am I?
“You are not alone, but you were swinging your arms and I didn’t want to get hit.” A sweet voice spoke from the corner.
I tried to see who it was but I couldn’t, my body lurched forward painfully as more bile came up. “Who the fuck is that?” I asked as I turned my head and spit out the nastiness in my mouth.
The woman stepped forward.
“When was the last time you used or had a drink?”
“What the fuck does that have to do with anything. Who the hell are you?” I asked still trying to see in the darkness and get my bearings.
“I’m Mikayla, most people just call me Mikki though. I stabbed you after you scared us in the alley.”
Suddenly, I remember that I should be dead already instead of feeling like I was dying. I tried to move my hand to weapon that was sticking out of my gut only to feel that it had been removed and the wound professionally closed up.
“What the shit, what happened, you took me to the hospital?”
“No, I’m a doctor.” I heard her voice dip slightly, “Or at least I used to be. Now answer me, you are about to undo everything that I did with your shaking and vomiting.”
“I don’t know it’s been a few days I guess.”
She let out a deep sigh, “Look, you are detoxing, it’s going to hurt like hell and you’re going to want to die but you are already halfway through the process. You want to get off the shit, I can help you.”
“You don’t know me, you don’t owe me shit.”
“You’re right, I don’t know you. But I do owe you. I stabbed you, accident or not I have to repent for that. If you want my help I am here. Don’t let your pride stop you from getting better.”
My pride. My pride got my brothers killed.
“Fine, just get me some food.”
“No.” She said
as she walked over to a small table that I hadn’t noticed.
“Ain’t this a bitch, didn’t you just say you were going to help me? I’m hungry.” I tried to sit up but suddenly I was overcome with heat. I pushed the blanket she had draped over me off and tried to get some air.
“Yes, I am going to help you but just because it’s not the help you ask for doesn’t mean it isn’t the help you need.” She brought some ice chips over to where I was laying down on the bed. “If I gave you food now, you would just throw it up. I already gave you an IV with fluids and made sure you got some glucose in your system so even though you feel hungry you aren’t going to starve.”
It sounded like she knew what she was talking about, “Whatever.” I conceded, I couldn’t focus on trying to fight with her, I was trying to get the blanket I had just pushed off me. It was freezing. She grabbed the blanket and pulled it up for me.
“I could have done it myself.” I snapped at her.
“I am sure you could have; I was just helping.” She stepped back a few steps. “Do you want to do this without medication or do you need a little something to take the edge off?”
“No, no more meds. Just let me suffer.” I deserved this pain. She didn’t know how much of a failure I was. She didn’t know.
“I agree, go through the worst to get to the best.” With that she stood up and walk back into the darkness. I felt my eyelids getting heavier and the shuddering getting stronger in my body.
“Who’s Laura?”
I was barely awake but I heard the question, and my soul shattered one more time. “Laura was all my good.”
“Impossible, I still see you.”
I wanted to fight her but I didn’t have the strength, she didn’t know. She didn’t know if I was good. She was wrong. I was an asshole; I was a jerk. I was nothing without my family, without my Laura, I was nothing.
I heard the door click in the distance and I let my body fall back asleep.
