by Mj Fields
But my heart, oh my heart, knows the truth without commercialized fears.
I have raised the best possible heart I can. I’ve raised a young woman who is mature and responsible. She’s ready, beyond ready, to allow her passion to drive her.
I know it will be difficult past what I imagine right now, but nothing lasting, nothing worth working for, ever comes easy.
Nothing.
I open up the red journal that my best friend Autumn gave to us so long ago and read the lists I have written. Not for me. But for her. The one I will hide in her suitcase and she will find when she unpacks.
Things every woman needs to remember
Being nice isn’t the most important thing a girl can be
Being too nice can sometimes put you in a place where you are taken advantage of. Empathy is far more important than being ‘nice.’ You’ve learned that from the time you can remember. You seek for a deeper understanding of people. Had you not, you could have turned out to be one of the many who made your life harder. You rose above. Continue rising, Natasha.
It doesn’t matter if everyone likes you
The truth is this, no matter what you do, there will be people who like you and those who don’t. The sooner you accept that and give up on winning everyone’s approval, the happier you’ll be.
Although it never did happen, I was well-prepared to get called into the principal’s office because you stood up for yourself and mouthed off to some tyrant. That holds true for the rest of your life.
Show them you’re strong, and that you don’t take disrespect from anyone. Even if it doesn’t make them stop, you stuck up for the most important person you could– you.
Honor your friendships but don’t worship them
Friendship is a gift, but not necessarily one that lasts forever. Cherish your friends. Share your food, hold each other’s secrets sacred, support and nurture each other’s dreams and be there in their time of need.
But if your best friends separate from you, move away, betray you or otherwise fail to live up to your expectations, it's OK to be hurt. As much as you may not want to believe it, more friends will come along and replace them at different parts of your journey. There are friends that will be with you for an entire lifetime, but they're rare. That's what makes them gold. Not every girl you get along with is going to turn into your friendship soulmate, and that is okay.
Your body is precious
Your body is amazing. It can run, and jump, sing and dance, draw and create. It is what drives your soul. No one owns it but you. Allow no one to tell you how to feel about it. Cherish it, nurture it, love it, and respect it.
Continue making lists
With each step you take, each choice you make, each obstacle you conquer, your views will no doubt sway. All the things you want and dream will waver slightly. Make sure you take a look back and allow the inevitable change that comes with time. What is the most important to you right now, may not be tomorrow, and that is okay.
After reading over the entry, I grab her red leather journal and smile at her kissing list. She is adamant that before she gives herself to someone that they deserve it. If they do, she’s sure this list will not deter them. She said if it does, they’re not meant to be hers.
Totally adorable. And I silently pray she never changes that list.
Sex. Yes, we’ve talked about it, but more about the emotional connection to the person and the precautions necessary to stay safe and healthy.
Understand your body’s reaction to touch
Pleasure comes from being touched. A kiss, a hug, holding hands, sitting close, a hand being stroked through your hair, etc.
It makes you feel closer to a person, especially if you’re attracted to them.
When you move beyond that, remember, caresses on the most intimate parts of your body can make you feel like he’s the only one that can make you feel that way.
I’d love to say that’s true, however, it’s not.
To drive the point further, I will tell you, studies show abuse victims feel shame because they felt ‘turned on’ by touch from their offenders. I want you to know the truth, it is a physical reaction that anyone can ignite, even yourself.
Do not mistake a physical feeling with love. It’s just not true.
The memories play like a movie in my mind, and I allow the tears to flow like an old film spilling from its container.
I release tears of joy, sorrow, and pain at the memories that brought us to this truly beautiful milestone.
Leaning forward, I grab the red box that matches the color of the journals Autumn had given us before Natasha started at Manhattan School of Art and Design. I open it and smile as I look at the simple silver bracelets I had engraved, one for her, and one for me, engraved with two words I hope she remembers above all. Be Present.
Natasha
Sitting in First Class, an upgrade Dad insisted upon. I knew it was his big move. An act to make up for all that had transpired. I accept it as such, but it was unnecessary.
I look around the plane’s cabin. I’m anxious, but the excited kind, not the kind where I feel like my chest is going to implode. The excited kind that make me to smile without worrying about who may see me and judge me.
No one does and no one will.
This is a true new beginning.
The bracelet Mom gave me and the words she had written for me made this day so much easier. Both of us have made promises to grow and dream a little less while we live a little more.
She believes in me, which makes me believe even more in myself.
My roommate and I have corresponded via e-mail and after I made a new, grown up and unconnected to my high school account at all, IG account, we shared a lot about ourselves and what we aspired to be.
I knew she would be the Oscar to my Felix, and I was certain it would make me feel less homesick.
I grab my phone, knowing soon I would have to put it in airplane mode. I scroll through and find her number. I hit video call and wait.
When she picks up, I gasp when I see Stella sitting between Elijah and Aaron.
I hold my hand over my heart and smile.
“Hey Natasha,” Stella greets and her smile is so genuine.
Even though she is going through what I assume is the hardest time in her life, and I’m basically stealing her dream, she is still the brightest light I’ve ever encountered.
“Fancy Face.” Aaron winks.
Elijah lifts his chin, his own greeting.
“Hi guys.” My voice out a bit broken as I try to hide my emotion.
“Stella has something to tell you.” Aaron nudges her.
“I’m coming soon, but don’t wait for me, okay? But don’t you dare treat me like you don’t know me when I get there.”
“Like that’s even possible.” I cross my heart with a finger. “But I promise.”
“What’s that shining on your wrist, Fancy Face?” Aaron asks leaning in.
“A bracelet my mom gave me.” I don’t tell them what it says, I don’t want it to be misinterpreted, or for them to think my past isn’t precious to me. For an entirely too short period of time, it was everything.
After just a few minutes and a million promises, we all say goodbye, except Aaron.
He winks and says, “See you later, Fancy Face.”
When the call ends, I sit back and look at a picture of Aaron on my phone from graduation.
And he is the most beautiful boy I have ever met. Still.
9
Natasha
When I arrived at W. Wyatt Court, my residence hall, two weeks before classes began for first-year orientation, there had been a bit of a mix-up. All the double rooms had been filled, and all that remained was suite with adjoining rooms.
This meant Shana and I would still kind of be roommates, but we’d have much more privacy than we thought we would.
Both Shana and I admitted our parents insisted it would make for a smoother transition into college life. We bo
th understood it would, in fact, be nice to have someone to eat meals with, walk or ride to campus with, study with, and explore the city with.
The single rooms were much smaller than the doubles with a single bed, a wardrobe, a wall-length desk with shelves above it. But the best part? My own bathroom.
Win!
Secretly, I was relieved, and later Shana admitted she was, too.
We agreed not to stress our parents with the mix-up.
Plus, Mom was at the de la Porte Labor Day weekend getaway. I could tell she was upholding our promise to be present by the shimmer in her eyes during our daily FaceTime calls.
The first weekend, not only did my face hurt from smiling and laughing, but walking.
Our neighbors had been so much fun from night one.
Harry Winslow was almost as lovely to look at as Aaron. He was a couple inches taller, a bit thinner, but he had nearly the same Pillow Talk hair and blue eyes.
While sitting in the outside commons at the residence hall, I admitted that I had never seen, nor read, the Harry Potter books. By all their reactions, you’d have thought I was going to have my student visa revoked if I didn’t know the simplest of Harry Potter trivia.
I told them I’d add it to my ever growing to be read list.
That wasn’t enough.
It was decided, by them, that we watch the movies, one a night, until all eight, freaking eight, had been viewed.
Although it was late, Harry and Shana decided there was no time like the present.
Shana fell asleep halfway into The Chamber of Secrets, and Harry Winslow, not Harry Potter, sat next to me and told me things to take note of during the rest of the movie.
When it ended, he asked me what I thought. I told him the truth, Harry would have been dead if it weren’t for Hermione in both movies.
His response, “And she’d have been dead without him as well.”
My romance movie-loving heart swelled. And even though Harry’s smile wasn’t as exuberant as Aaron’s, it made me swoon.
I could have sworn he was about to kiss me when he leaned in and picked a piece of popcorn off the blanket tucked under my chin when Shana woke up, but maybe I was wrong. And let’s be honest here, while watching a Harry Potter movie wasn’t on my list of places I wanted to be kissed, nor was kissing a boy I had met just days ago.
My first kiss needs to be as special as the boy giving it to me… or one that will check off a box on my list of movie kiss reenactments.
The next day, we finished them all. Every. Single. One. Of them.
Harry’s friend, Charles, who wandered in and out of the common room while we watched, mentioned doing a walking tour the next day. Shana agreed for us.
We started at eight the following morning at Leadenhall Market which served as the location for Diagon Alley (in the Philosopher’s Stone) and the Leaky Cauldron in the movies. Then onto London Bridge which was amazing, so amazing in its own right, and to Borough market that was also used in the movies. While walking to our third stop, Millennium bridge, we passed the notorious medieval prison, called ‘The Clink’, the River Thames, and then the bridge where the broomstick battle and the death eater attack was set. Australia house was next and was apparently the Gringotts Wizarding Bank. The Old Scotland yard, Claremont Square, or as Harry Potter fans know it, number 12 Grimmauld Place, the home of Sirius Black’s family, and the last, my favorite, King’s Cross Station, where Platform 9 ¾ would be.
During the entire walk, Harry, Charles, and Shana asked trivia questions, and I was able to answer most of them, without too many clues.
If I hadn’t started out as a super fan, I ended our six-hour walk as one.
When we finally made it back, I was tired, and even more so when Shana, again, accepted the weekend invitation to take the train to Paris.
When I sent Mom a message, I was happy she replied with have fun, but be safe.
I would be, but if Harry tried to kiss me again, and we happen to be under the Eiffel Tower, I wouldn’t mind. It is one of the places I have dreamed of being kissed.
Sitting on my bed, fresh from my trip to Paris, I FaceTime Mom. When she doesn’t answer, I look at the time and wonder what is keeping her.
When I’m about to give up on her return call and message Autumn to make sure everything is okay, she calls.
I smile when I see her sitting on the beach. “Good morning, Mom.”
She grins, “Bonne après-midi.”
“Paris sucked, Mom.”
Her grin fades, and I feel bad for making her worry. “What? The pictures you sent were amazing. You looked happy.”
“I mean, it was fun, but…”
“But…?”
I force a smile. “It’s just…”
“Natasha, it’s me. Come on; tell me what’s going on.”
I lean into the phone. “I liked a boy. I thought he liked me. Come to find out he likes Shana.”
She holds her hand over her heart. “Your roommate?”
I shrug, nod, and roll my eyes all at once.
“There is someone out there for you, Natasha. He wasn’t the right one. God has bigger plans for you.”
“My first Eiffel Tower trip, first kiss dream… ruined.”
We both laugh at the silliness of my comment, and then something… odd catches my eye, and I lean in to get a better look.
“Mom, is that a dog?”
“Shit!” I hear a man’s voice. “Syphilluffagus, get your mangy ass back here!”
I watch as the ugliest… animal runs smack into my mom’s back and I can’t help but laugh at the look of terror on Moms' face before she drops her phone.
I can see him. He has dark hair, his face is lightly bearded, he’s shirtless, and his body is… Christ on a cracker, he’s perfect.
“Pardon me, miss. My dog is blind as a bat but seems to still be drawn to beautiful things.”
Oh, my goodness! I think he’s hitting on her. Mom is looking back at him, and I pray she’s not giving him a piss off look.
He smirks as he picks up the dog then her phone.
He’s definitely hitting on her!
His voice lowers as he holds up the phone, “I think you dropped this.”
When he glances at the screen, I smile and say, “Hi!” I hope to keep him there, so she knows he’s flirting with her.
Beach kiss, beach kiss, screams in my head.
He smiles at me, “Sorry to interrupt.” Then hands Mom the phone. “Your sister?”
I say, “Yes,” and Mom says, “Daughter,” at the same time.
He winks. “Enjoy the beach.” Then he walks away.
I want to scream and stop him, but I know she would die of embarrassment. When she looks at the phone, she is crimson.
“Is he gone?” I whisper.
She looks back in his direction and then again at me with a nod.
“He’s gorgeous and he was flirting with you, Mom.”
“Nonsense.”
“Oh, my God, Mom, he most certainly was. And did I mention he was gorgeous!”
“Shh…” she scolds, and I laugh.
She tries to act annoyed, but then she smiles.
“It would be the perfect kiss on a beach with a stranger moment, Mom!”
“That’s a Natasha thing. You’re the one with the lists of all the places you want to kiss a boy, not me.”
“Well, I’m not checking off any on my list, so maybe you should take it over.”
“Natasha, you’re beautiful, intelligent, and your day will come. I promise you. But don’t forget to be present. Don’t miss all the beauty surrounding you just so you can check boxes on some list.”
I take a deep breath and nod. “I know.”
I hold up my bracelet. “I didn’t let it ruin the moment yesterday, Mom. I was being silly, in my feels for just a second. The Eiffel Tower was stunning and… and”—I laugh— “I checked it off my list with the perfect IG pictures as a bonus.”
“The kiss will come,” s
he winks.
“I know. But while I’m waiting, feel free to live a little, too. Practice what you preach.”
“I’ll try.”
Then I remember him calling the dog a name that sounded like an STD. “What did he call that… dog?”
In the past week things have gotten more stressful but on a new level. My coursework, albeit not too difficult, consumed me. In that way, I take after my parents when given a job, a task, you do it to your fullest ability.
No, it wasn’t, Block One, or semester one as most would know it by. Introduction to Fashion Design and Development, Product Technology/Creative Technique, Creative Production Development, Better Lives, or Introduction to Culture and Historical Studies, it was that Jean-Paul de la Porte’s successor had been named and with him came his right hand. Mom was out of a job. I know my mother will find something quickly, I’m sure every designer who learns she’s available will swoop in and offer anything to have her, but she isn’t interested. I didn’t realize it until she already had plans to move onto her next step in her journey. She was going to sell our apartment and start over. Honestly, she sounded happy about doing it.
She assured me I had no reason to worry.
But I did.
Two days later, she told me, at Jean-Paul’s request, she would be going to Paris to help sort through his dealings and wasn’t sure how long it would be, exactly, but probably a couple of weeks at the minimum.
The first week she was there, she told me she was coming to visit, and I made sure we had a plan to see as much of London as possible while she was here… and we did.
We bought tour passes where we could hop on and off the double-decker bus at our leisure and managed to see The Tower of London, Westminster Abbey, The Shard, and London Bridge, all in one day. That night, she met my friends briefly before we headed back to her hotel, and yes, we watched a movie together.
