“Kiernan, wait up!” I hear someone yell. My skips a beat and there’s a flicker of hope it’s Brooks. It’s not. It’s Johnny Logan.
“Hey, Logs,” I say, trying to sound cheerful. “How was break?” By now word has traveled and everyone knows that Brooks and I broke up.
“It was okay, chilled with the ‘rents. Glad to be back and get after it. Season starts soon.” No man bun today. His long hair is free falling over his ears down to his chin, the sides shaved tight. He has a longer beard now than before break. The brown scruff isn’t Duck Dynasty by any means, but it’s enough to grab onto.
“Yeah, I’m pumped for that.” I try to sound cheerful. I’m not lying – I want the season to start so badly. I need it. I need a distraction, and softball is my life now that I removed Brooks from it.
“You guys are gonna win it this season, I can feel it.” He smiles.
“That’s the goal.” I smile in return. Faking it like dear ‘ol dad taught me.
“Wanna grab some coffee?” he asks as he spits his chew onto the sidewalk.
“I can’t right now, I have class, but another time?”
“Sure, yeah, when?” he eagerly asks.
Is he really asking me out? Not this soon. Fuck, I wish I was better at reading these situations. I can never tell what just friendly coffee is and what a date is.
“Um, well I have a break after this class for a bit. I can meet you at Gypsy Juice at 10:45.”
“Perfect!” he says and he sounds a bit too chipper. “I’ll meet you there. Gotta head to stats.” He sticks his finger to his head in the shape of a gun and pretends to pull the trigger. It makes me laugh for a brief second.
Social psych is crazy painful today. Normally I love this shit, but day one is always syllabus day, plus meeting our teacher’s assistants. I’m ready to learn about how we’re influenced, mind and body, by the presence of others, since I already got that lesson first hand.
Dr. Sheila Cook begins finally: “This course is a designed to bridge psychology, the study of the mind and behavior, with sociology, the study of society. How are we influenced by others? We will study many ways that occurs, starting with persuasion. Persuasion is the idea of actively trying to guide someone toward a desired idea or behavior. We’ve heard of the power of persuasion. We’ll find out in this class why that works for some, but not others. We’ll also study a very important difference between persuasion, which can be good, and manipulation which carries a negative connotation with it. Both are means of influence over another’s behavior and mind.”
Pick me, Doc. I’m a fucking classic study. That seems to be my problem. I was influenced by Brooks. His mind, his body, my soul. He took all of me. The best of me. He gave me all of himself and I bailed when it got hard. I was persuaded – nah, manipulated by his dad. I’m a cowardly bitch. I didn’t fight for us at all. I liquefied under Rhett’s pressure. I miss Brooks. I miss his smell, his touch, his voice. I fucking miss it all. Tears start to well up in my eyes. I didn’t think it would be this hard. Yes, you did.
Class finally ends and I make small talk with my classmates as we walk out of Sampson. I reluctantly trudge to The Castle to meet Logan. Gypsy Juice is packed, as always. Logan is there waiting for me. We finally get some coffee and snag a booth near the window.
“So, break was good? I like the beard.” I force a smile. Logan is popular with the ladies at parties due to his rugged good looks and southern Texan charm.
“Thanks, it keeps my face warm in the Godforsaken state,” he begins and strokes his facial hair. “Break was great. Relaxing. We just sat by the pool and ate too much food. My mom loves to cook when we’re all home,” he says.
“All? How many of you are there?” I laugh. “You make your family sound like the Duggars.”
“I have four brothers. I’m the second one in the middle. My two older brothers are married with kids. My oldest brother, Eddie, has three kids. Next is Charlie with one. Then me, then my little brother, Jimmy, who’s a senior in high school. Plus, we have tons of cousins. My dad is one of twelve kids and my mom is one of six. It’s never quiet.” He laughs.
“Eddie, Charlie, Johnny and Jimmy. Nice. It’s just me and my parents. It’s always quiet,” I reply soberly, thinking about how sad our little family really is. “How do you survive these winters if you’re from Texas?”
“Layers. Lots and lots of layers. And a sick beard,” he laughs.
Logan goes on to tell me more about winter break, his workout routine and the pool. I’m losing interest, but it isn’t his fault. I look out the window over the Quad and I see him. My breath catches and my heart skips a beat. He doesn’t even need to be near me and he still affects my whole being. I feel more just watching him walk past than I felt kissing Connor or talking with Logan. His gait is strong and committed. Every head turns to gaze at him as he strides dominantly through the Quad. I wish I could see his face. My heart could at least feel something then. Even pain and heartache is better than loneliness. I’m never really alone, but I’m always lonely. Even now in Gypsy Juice with Logan.
“So what do you think?” Logan asks, snapping me back to reality.
Fuck, I wasn’t listening.
“Um, that’s great,” I offer. It’s generic enough that I hope he can’t tell that I wasn’t listening.
“That’s great,” he repeats with a smile. “I’ll pick you up around six.”
“When?”
“Friday, I just said that.” He chuckles. I think he knows I wasn’t listening, but he isn’t calling me out.
I just smile. “I gotta run to my next class. See ya later, Logs.”
“Friday,” he reaffirms.
“Friday.” And I bolt. I’ve apparently just agreed to go on a date with Johnny Logan, and I don’t even know where we’re going.
I text Blaire as I walk through the Quad to my coaching class.
“I think I just agreed to go on a date with Logan.”
“Who? And how do you not know if you did or didn’t?”
“Johnny Logan. Do we know another one? Well, we were having coffee and I zoned out. I saw Brooks walking through the Quad and I almost lost my shit. My entire body went into shock or something. Logan almost had coffee vomit all over his shirt. Then he asked if I agreed and I said great. I didn’t know what he was asking and so now I have a date Friday night. When will this end?”
“Your date?”
“No, this reaction to Brooks. My inability to get over him. When will this stupid heart of mine heal?”
“KK, I’m sorry. I don’t know. I wish I did. I wish I could fix it somehow. You know, you could just end this stupid breakup. Tanner said Brooks isn’t over you either. Forget Rhett.”
“I wish I could. I gotta go. Class. <3”
Coaching class is next, the one I’ve been looking forward to. I want to coach my kids one day, or maybe a high school team. I find my favorite seat, right in the middle. There’s a row of baseball and volleyball players already sitting in class a couple rows above me. There are few football players in this class too. It’s popular with the athletes, and an easy class for an elective, which is why some stupid-ass sorority girls and frat guys are here.
Then I hear it and my heart stops.
“McCarthy! How the hell have you been?” Finn is yelling at him. “It was good to see you turnt up Saturday!”
Why God? Brooks was turnt on Saturday? He’s out partying and living life like he was pre-breakup? My heart is racing. I need to see him.
I turn around. It’s really him, in all his beautiful glory. Tight, dark jeans, black CU hoodie. Tousled “I just got out of bed” hair. He may have just rolled off a sorority chick for all I know. Blaire was wrong apparently. He looks like he hasn’t been affected by any of this. He’s smiling and gorgeous. The only difference is a blond beard, much longer than his normal stubble. I want to rub my fingers over it and feel it on my thighs. Sweet Jesus. I think I can even smell him from my seat. My favorite smell. Fuck, he looks
so hot. My body is aching with how much I miss that man. My heart, my soul, my being. I don’t know how to exist without him.
Chapter 20: Brooks
The first day of classes is always brutal. So boring, but I’m looking forward to my coaching class. It’s an elective, but hopefully someday I’ll have a family and I can coach my kid’s team, so it might come in handy. Kids. Pipe dream now.
It’s so fucking cold that I decide to swing into Gypsy Juice for a coffee before class. I’m a Minnesota boy, but that doesn’t mean I like winter. I’m waiting in line, talking to a stunning redhead. I think it’s the one from earlier this year who forgot, or doesn’t care, that I blew her off once already. Then I hear it. One of my favorite sounds in the world. Her laugh. The most glorious sound next to her screaming my name as she comes.
She’s with Johnny Logan? Johnny fucking Logan. This isn’t fucking happening. He’s the me of the baseball team. The cocky, hot guy who can bag any chick on campus. My balls shoot to my throat and heart sinks to my stomach. Whatever happened to not wanting to be like her mom? Or is that just with football players and everyone else is on the table? I’m seeing more red than the hair of the chick in front of me. Who, by the way, is about to drop my pants in the middle of this line. But I can’t focus on anything else now. I storm out of Gypsy Juice sans coffee and leave the redhead huffing, just like I did the first time.
I’m seething, so I walk a few laps around the Quad and outer buildings before I enter the lecture hall for my coaching class. Bateman said Kiernan has been miserable. That Blaire told him she wasn’t eating or showering either. That she was just as pitiful as I was, minus the Jack Daniels addiction. She didn’t look fucking sad. She was laughing. She was on a coffee date with Johnny Logan. She’s dating.
I walk into the lecture hall and I immediately see the caramel color bun piled on top of Kiernan’s head. Give me a break, God.
“McCarthy! How the hell have you been?” Finn is flagging me down. Can’t leave now. “It was good to see you turnt up Saturday!”
She wants to play this game. Fine, fuck it. I can play this game much better. Finn has already surrounded himself with volleyball players with legs for days, and there are four sorority girls sitting in the top row. I think I’ll go to Greek Row today.
“I’m good, Finn.” I reach over and give him a fiver. “How’ve you been? I was fucking wrecked Saturday.” I hope she can hear me.
“Fucking terrible. Our season has sucked ass. Preston, our all-American pitcher, got knocked out playing fucking intramural Wiffle ball and he is still on the concussion protocol. We’re screwed if he’s not ready by season.”
“That blows hard, dude. How long is he out? How the fuck do you get knocked out in Wiffle ball?”
“Not sure. Fucking Gomez smoked him in the head with the bat, but the thing is fucking plastic. He keeps failing the tests,” he whines. “You jacked for the title game? At least it will be fucking warm in Atlanta.”
“Yeah, man, we’re fucking ready.” I see that Kiernan has turned to look at me. Now is the time. “I’m gonna grab a seat. Later, Finn… ladies.” I nod to the volleyball team scattered around Finn. They smile and wave at me as I walk away.
I walk back up the aisle to the row with the sorority sisters in it. They’re all staring at me intently.
“Can I grab this seat?” I wink at one of the sorority girls as I walk down their row.
“Hell yes you can! Anytime you want, baby,” she says as she lifts her ass cheek to me. I give her a pat and her girls squeal a little. My behavior makes me sick to my stomach, but Kiernan’s with Johnny fucking Logan, so I need to up my game here. I’m laying it on thick.
They shuffle seats so I can park between them, two on each side. They’re clinging to me like a balloon to static. Long nails stroking my arms and beard, hot breath on my neck each time they whisper something dirty into my ear. Little Mac is not impressed and unfortunately, neither am I. Not even when one of the bolder ones grabs him and offers to take me to the bathroom on our break. Pass.
Life is a series of moments. Some of those moments are so impactful that you can pinpoint an exact instant that your life changed. They make you aware. Aware of what life was prior to that certain moment and what life was like after that moment occurred. This was my life before I met Kiernan, and I hate it. I miss my life with her. That day in the library changed the path I was on. There was no going back after that moment. Fate fucked me right in the ass that day.
Kiernan has not turned around again, but I know she’s seething. Her ears are red. Good. Enjoy your fucking date with Logan. I want nothing to do with these sorority chicks except make her jealous, because that is what I am. I am jealous of Johnny fucking Logan. Who, by the way, will now be officially known as Johnny fucking Logan, without exception.
“Class dismissed,” Coach Barber says.
“You’ll call us later, right?” one of the sisters asks.
“Sure thing, sweet cheeks,” I lie. I have no intention of calling them. I have no intention of even learning their names, which is why I keep calling them all sweet cheeks. It isn’t a term of endearment. It is a term of “I don’t care enough to learn your name,” but Kiernan doesn’t know that.
They leave and I’m stalling. I’m packing up my bag painfully slow, because I really want to see her face again. She stands and walks up the aisle toward my seat. She’s wearing yoga pants, a white CU softball hoodie and black winter boots. She’s beautiful. My heart flips like a fucking dolphin and Little Mac gives me a twitch to let me know he’s actually still alive.
“So, you bring your own pens now?” she asks tersely, pointing to the pen in my hand.
I shrug. If I speak I may drop to my knees and beg her to take me back.
“I’m surprised your groupies wouldn’t take notes for you,” she sneers. She’s pissed. I fucking got under her skin. That means she still has feelings for me in some capacity.
“Oh, I’m sure they would, but they couldn’t focus. Their seats were too wet,” I reply with a sadistic smirk on my lips. I’m an ass, but she broke my fucking heart. She deserves to feel a little bit of what I do. Not be out with Johnny fucking Logan already, laughing and enjoying life without me.
She rolls her eyes and starts to walk off. I don’t want her to leave. I can smell the trace of vanilla as she moves.
“Why do you care who I talk to if you’re dating Johnny fucking Logan?” I follow her and smile a “gotcha” smile.
“I don’t. Wait, what?” she replies in total confusion, and then her face flushes. Busted.
“Oh yeah, I know all about it. Word travels fast at this school. I guess being a baseball wife is okay, but not a football wife.”
“That’s not true at all. I mean it is, but it isn’t. I’m not dating, Logan. It’s one date.” She sighs. I have her all flustered. “I’m not going to be anyone’s wife.”
“So which is it? Johnny fucking Logan will never give you what I did. He can’t make you come like I can. And when you do you’ll see my face and you’ll scream my name, not his.” I glare at her with more anger than I’ve ever expressed to her before. I was depressed, but now I’m just angry.
“Aren’t your groupies waiting for you to warm them up?” she squeaks in an attempt to change the subject. Her face is flushed and she’s embarrassed. “They don’t have enough clothes on between all of them to survive this winter.” She’s fucking jealous, and desperately trying to stop talking about Johnny fucking Logan.
“Nah, they’re good for now. They’re going to call when they need a jumpstart.”
“You’re vile,” she tries to say with a straight face.
“You never minded my dirty words before, baby,” I say in a low, deep voice and lean into her ear. I can see goosebumps rise on her neck and her face flush. I know her. I know she’s thinking about my face between her legs now that I brought it up. She’s thinking about what I can do to her, and hoping I’m not doing it to anyone else. How do I know? Cuz
I’m thinking the same thing about her and Johnny fucking Logan. If he touches her I will end him. Fuck, she looks delicious, and I’m starving.
All she can do is roll her eyes and pretend she hates me. She doesn’t. At least her body doesn’t. I have hope, which is more than I had two weeks ago.
My phone dings, and before I can look down Kiernan says, “Looks like they’re calling in the jumpstart. Vroom, vroom.” She walks off in a huff.
Vroom, vroom. I laugh. I miss her sense of humor.
The ding was actually just a text from Bateman.
“Bro, we need to talk. Like now.”
“You’re freaking me out, man. What’s wrong?”
“Locker room. Before everyone gets here for practice. It’s about Kiernan.”
My heart fucking sinks.
“OTW.”
Chapter 21: Brooks
I have never made it across campus so fast. I’m still picturing Kiernan’s pissy face at the thought of me with sorority row and her body reacting to my voice. I’ll take this as a small victory.
Practice starts in about an hour, which means Bateman and I have about twenty minutes before the guys will start showing up to get ready.
“What’s up, man?” I gasp, out of breath from my run over here.
“Sit down,” Bateman commands.
“You’re freaking me the fuck out,” I say as I sit on the bench by our lockers. My legs are bouncing with nerves while I wait for Bateman to start talking.
“I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to keep your head,” he begins. He probably thinks I don't know about her date.
Exception (Cambria University Series Book 1) Page 25
