Chapter IX
We post up to Portsdown Fair--Consequence of disturbing a lady at supper--Natural affection of the pelican, proved at my expense--Spontaneouscombustion at Ranelagh Gardens--Pastry _versus_ Piety--Many are bid tothe feast; but not the halt, the lame, or the blind.
A few days after M'Foy quitted the ship, we all had leave from the firstlieutenant to go to Portsdown fair, but he would only allow the oldstersto sleep on shore. We anticipated so much pleasure from our excursion,that some of us were up early enough to go away in the boat sent forfresh beef. This was very foolish. There were no carriages to take us tothe fair, nor indeed any fair so early in the morning; the shops wereall shut, and the Blue Posts, where we always rendezvoused, was hardlyopened. We waited there in the coffee-room, until we were driven out bythe maid sweeping away the dirt, and were forced to walk about until shehad finished, and lighted the fire, when we ordered our breakfast; buthow much better would it have been to have taken our breakfastcomfortably on board, and then to have come on shore, especially as wehad no money to spare. Next to being too late, being too soon is theworst plan in the world. However, we had our breakfast, and paid thebill; then we sallied forth, and went up George-street, where we foundall sorts of vehicles ready to take us to the fair. We got into onewhich they called a dilly. I asked the man who drove it why it was socalled, and he replied, because he only charged a shilling. O'Brien, whohad joined us after breakfasting on board, said that this answerreminded him of one given to him by a man who attended the hackney-coachstands in London. "Pray," said he, "why are you called Waterman?""Waterman," replied the man, "vy, sir, 'cause we opens the hackney-coachdoors." At last, with plenty of whipping, and plenty of swearing, and agreat deal of laughing, the old horse, whose back curved upwards like abow, from the difficulty of dragging so many, arrived at the bottom ofPortsdown hill, where we got out, and walked up to the fair. It reallywas a most beautiful sight. The bright blue sky, and the coloured flagsflapping about in all directions, the grass so green, and the whitetents and booths, the sun shining so bright, and the shining giltgingerbread, the variety of toys and the variety of noise, the quantityof people and the quantity of sweetmeats; little boys so happy, andshop-people so polite, the music at the booths, and the bustle andeagerness of the people outside, made my heart quite jump. There wasRichardson, with a clown and harlequin, and such beautiful women,dressed in clothes all over gold spangles, dancing reels and waltzes,and looking so happy! There was Flint and Gyngell, with fellows tumblingover head and heels, playing such tricks--eating fire, and drawing yardsof tape out of their mouths. Then there was the Royal Circus, all thehorses standing in a line, with men and women standing on their backs,waving flags, while the trumpeters blew their trumpets. And the largestgiant in the world, and Mr Paap, the smallest dwarf in the world, and afemale dwarf, who was smaller still, and Miss Biffin, who did everythingwithout legs or arms. There was also the learned pig, and theHerefordshire ox, and a hundred other sights which I cannot nowremember. We walked about for an hour or two seeing the outside of everything: we determined to go and see the inside. First we went intoRichardson's, where we saw a bloody tragedy, with a ghost and thunder,and afterwards a pantomime, full of tricks, and tumbling over oneanother. Then we saw one or two other things, I forget what; but this Iknow, that, generally speaking, the outside was better, than the inside.After this, feeling very hungry, we agreed to go into a booth and havesomething to eat. The tables were ranged all round, and in the centrethere was a boarded platform for dancing. The ladies were there allready dressed for partners; and the music was so lively, that I feltvery much inclined to dance, but we had agreed to go and see the wildbeasts fed at Mr Polito's menagerie, and as it was now almost eighto'clock, we paid our bill and set off. It was a very curious sight, andbetter worth seeing than any thing in the fair; I never had an idea thatthere were so many strange animals in existence. They were all securedin iron cages, and a large chandelier with twenty lights, hung in thecentre of the booth, and lighted them up, while the keeper went roundand stirred them up with his long pole; at the same time he gave ustheir histories, which were very interesting. I recollect a few of them.There was the tapir, a great pig with a long nose, a variety of thehiptostamass, which the keeper said was an amphibilious animal, ascouldn't live on land, and _dies_ in the water--however, it seemed tolive very well in a cage. Then there was the kangaroo with its youngones peeping out of it--a most astonishing animal. The keeper said thatit brought forth two young ones at a birth, and then took them into itsstomach again, until they arrived at years of discretion. Then there wasthe pelican of the wilderness, (I shall not forget him), with a largebag under his throat, which the man put on his head as a night-cap: thisbird feeds its young with its own blood--when fish are scarce. And therewas the laughing hyaena, who cries in the wood like a human being indistress, and devours those who come to his assistance--a sad instanceof the depravity of human nature, as the keeper observed. There was abeautiful creature, the royal Bengal tiger, only three years old, whatgrowed ten inches every year, and never arrived at its full growth. Theone we saw, measured, as the keeper told us, sixteen feet from the snoutto the tail, and seventeen from the tail to the snout: but there musthave been some mistake there. There was a young elephant and threelions, and several other animals which I forget now, so I shall go on todescribe the tragical scene which occurred. The keeper had poked up allthe animals, and had commenced feeding them. The great lion was growlingand snarling over the shin-bone of an ox, cracking it like a nut, when,by some mismanagement, one end of the pole upon which the chandelier wassuspended fell down, striking the door of the cage in which the lionesswas at supper, and bursting it open. It was all done in a second; thechandelier fell, the cage opened, and the lioness sprang out. I rememberto this moment seeing the body of the lioness in the air, and then allwas dark as pitch. What a change! not a moment before all of us staringwith delight and curiosity, and then to be left in darkness, horror, anddismay! There was such screaming and shrieking, such crying, andfighting, and pushing, and fainting, nobody knew where to go, or how tofind their way out. The people crowded first on one side, and then onthe other, as their fears instigated them. I was very soon jammed upwith my back against the bars of one of the cages, and feeling somebeast lay hold of me behind, made a desperate effort, and succeeded inclimbing up to the cage above, not however without losing the seat of mytrowsers, which the laughing hyaena would not let go. I hardly knew whereI was when I climbed up; but I knew the birds were mostly stationedabove. However, that I might not have the front of my trowsers torn aswell as the behind, as soon as I gained my footing I turned round, withmy back to the bars of the cage, but I had not been there a minutebefore I was attacked by something which digged into me like a pickaxe,and as the hyaena had torn my clothes, I had no defence against it. Toturn round would have been worse still; so, after having received abovea dozen stabs, I contrived by degrees to shift my position until I wasopposite to another cage, but not until the pelican, for it was thatbrute, had drawn as much blood from me as would have fed his young for aweek. I was surmising what danger I should next encounter, when to myjoy I discovered that I had gained the open door from which the lionesshad escaped. I crawled in, and pulled the door to after me, thinkingmyself very fortunate: and there I sat very quietly in a corner duringthe remainder of the noise and confusion. I had been there but a fewminutes, when the beef-eaters, as they were called, who played the musicoutside, came in with torches and loaded muskets. The sight whichpresented itself was truly shocking, twenty or thirty men, women, andchildren, lay on the ground, and I thought at first the lioness hadkilled them all, but they were only in fits, or had been trampled downby the crowd. No one was seriously hurt. As for the lioness, she was notto be found: and as soon as it was ascertained that she had escaped,there was as much terror and scampering away outside as there had beenin the menagerie. It appeared afterwards, that the animal had been asmuch frightened as we had been, and had secreted herself under
one ofthe waggons. It was some time before she could be found. At lastO'Brien, who was a very brave fellow, went a-head of the beef-eaters,and saw her eyes glaring. They borrowed a net or two from the cartswhich had brought calves to the fair, and threw them over her. When shewas fairly entangled, they dragged her by the tail into the menagerie.All this while I had remained very quietly in the den, but when Iperceived that its lawful owner had come back to retake possession, Ithought it was time to come out; so I called to my messmates, who, withO'Brien were assisting the beef-eaters. They had not discovered me, andlaughed very much when they saw where I was. One of the midshipmen shotthe bolt of the door, so that I could not jump out, and then stirred meup with a long pole. At last I contrived to unbolt it again, and gotout, when they laughed still more, at the seat of my trowsers being tornoff. It was not exactly a laughing matter to me, although I had tocongratulate myself upon a very lucky escape; and so did my messmatesthink, when I narrated my adventures. The pelican was the worst part ofthe business. O'Brien lent me a dark silk handkerchief, which I tiedround my waist, and let drop behind, so that my misfortunes might notattract any notice, and then we quitted the menagerie; but I was sostiff that I could scarcely walk.
We then went to what they called the Ranelagh Gardens, to see thefireworks, which were to be let off at ten o'clock. It was exactly tenwhen we paid for our admission, and we waited very patiently for aquarter of an hour, but there were no signs of the fireworks beingdisplayed. The fact was, that the man to whom the gardens belongedwaited until more company should arrive, although the place was alreadyvery full of people. Now the first lieutenant had ordered the boat towait for us until twelve o'clock, and then return on board; and, as wewere seven miles from Portsmouth, we had not much time to spare. Wewaited another quarter of an hour, and then it was agreed that as thefireworks were stated in the handbill to commence precisely at teno'clock, we were fully justified in letting them off ourselves. O'Brienwent out, and returned with a dozen penny rattans, which he notched inthe end. The fireworks were on the posts and stages, all ready, and itwas agreed that we should light them all at once, and then mix with thecrowd. The oldsters lighted cigars, and fixing them in the notched endof the canes, continued to puff them until they were all well lighted.They handed one to each of us, and at a signal we all applied them tothe match papers, and as soon as the fire communicated we threw down ourcanes and ran in among the crowd. In about half a minute, off they allwent, in a most beautiful confusion; there were silver stars and goldenstars, blue lights and Catherine-wheels, mines and bombs, Grecian-firesand Roman-candles, Chinese-trees, rockets and illuminated mottoes, allfiring away, cracking, popping, and fizzing, at the same time. It wasunanimously agreed that it was a great improvement upon the intendedshow. The man to whom the gardens belonged ran out of a booth, where hehad been drinking beer at his ease, while his company were waiting,swearing vengeance against the perpetrators; indeed, the next day heoffered fifty pounds reward for the discovery of the offenders. But Ithink that he was treated very properly. He was, in his situation, aservant of the public, and he had behaved as if he was their master. Weall escaped very cleverly, and taking another dilly, arrived atPortsmouth, and were down to the boat in good time. The next day I wasso stiff and in such pain, that I was obliged to go to the doctor, whoput me on the list, where I remained a week before I could return to myduty. So much for Portsdown fair.
It was on a Saturday that I returned to my duty, and Sunday being a fineday, we all went on shore to church with Mr Falcon, the firstlieutenant. We liked going to church very much, not, I am sorry to say,from religious feelings, but for the following reason:--The firstlieutenant sat in a pew below, and we were placed in the gallery above,where he could not see us, nor indeed could we see him. We all remainedvery quiet, and I may say very devout, during the time of the service;but the clergyman who delivered the sermon was so tedious, and had sucha bad voice, that we generally slipped out as soon as he went up intothe pulpit, and adjourned to a pastry-cook's opposite, to eat cakes andtarts and drink cherry-brandy, which we infinitely preferred to hearinga sermon. Somehow or other, the first lieutenant had scent of ourproceedings: we believed that the marine officer informed against us,and this Sunday he served us a pretty trick. We had been at thepastry-cook's as usual, and as soon as we perceived the people comingout of church, we put all our tarts and sweetmeats into our hats, whichwe then slipped on our heads, and took our station at the church-door,as if we had just come down from the gallery, and had been waiting forhim. Instead, however, of appearing at the church-door, he walked up thestreet, and desired us to follow him to the boat. The fact was, he hadbeen in the back-room at the pastry-cook's watching our motions throughthe green blinds. We had no suspicion, but thought that he had come outof church a little sooner than usual. When we arrived on board andfollowed him up the side, he said to us as we came on deck,--"Walk aft,young gentlemen." We did; and he desired us to "toe a line," which meansto stand in a row. "Now, Mr Dixon," said he, "what was the text to-day?"As he very often asked us that question, we always left one in thechurch until the text was given out, who brought it to us in thepastry-cook's shop, when we all marked it in our Bibles, to be ready ifhe asked us. Dixon immediately pulled out his Bible where he had markeddown the leaf, and read it. "O! that was it," said Mr Falcon; "you musthave remarkably good ears, Mr Dixon, to have heard the clergyman fromthe pastry-cook's shop. Now, gentlemen, hats off, if you please." We allslided off our hats, which, as he expected, were full of pastry."Really, gentlemen," said he, feeling the different papers of pastry andsweetmeats, "I am quite delighted to perceive that you have not been tochurch for nothing. Few come away with so many good things pressed upontheir seat of memory. Master-at-arms, send all the ship's boys aft."
The boys all came tumbling up the ladders, and the first lieutenantdesired each of them to take a seat upon the carronade slides. When theywere all stationed, he ordered us to go round with our hats, and requestof each his acceptance of a tart, which we were obliged to do, handingfirst to one and then to another, until the hats were all empty. Whatannoyed me more than all, was the grinning of the boys at their beingserved by us like foot-men, as well as the ridicule and laughter of thewhole ship's company, who had assembled at the gangways.
When all the pastry was devoured, the first lieutenant said,
"There, gentlemen, now that you have had your lesson for the day, youmay go below." We could not help laughing ourselves, when we went downinto the berth; Mr Falcon always punished us good-humouredly, and, insome way or other, his punishments were severally connected with thedescription of the offence. He always had a remedy for every thing thathe disapproved of, and the ship's company used to call him "RemedyJack." I ought to observe that some of my messmates were very severeupon the ship's boys after that circumstance, always giving them a kickor a cuff on the head whenever they could, telling them at the sametime, "There's another tart for you, you whelp." I believe, if the boyshad known what was in reserve for them, they would much rather have leftthe pastry alone.
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