Chapter XII
New theory of Mr Muddle remarkable for having no end to it--Novelpractice of Mr Chucks--O'Brien commences his history--There were giantsin those days--I bring up the master's _night-glass_.
As I have already mentioned sufficient of the captain and the firstlieutenant to enable the reader to gain an insight into theircharacters, I shall now mention two very odd personages who were myshipmates, the carpenter and the boatswain. The carpenter, whose namewas Muddle, used to go by the appellation of Philosopher Chips, not thathe followed any particular school, but had formed a theory of his own,from which he was not to be dissuaded. This was, that the universe hadits cycle of events turned round, so that in a certain period of timeeverything was to happen over again. I never could make him explain uponwhat data his calculations were founded; he said, that if he explainedit, I was too young to comprehend it; but the fact was this, "that in27,672 years everything that was going on now would be going on again,with the same people as were existing at this present time." He veryseldom ventured to make the remark to Captain Savage, but to the firstlieutenant he did very often. "I've been as close to it as possible,sir, I do assure you, although you find fault; but 27,672 years ago youwere first lieutenant of this ship, and I was carpenter, although werecollect nothing about it; and 27,672 years hence we shall both bestanding by this boat, talking about the repairs, as we are now."
"I do not doubt it, Mr Muddle," replied the first lieutenant; "I daresay that it is all very true, but the repairs must be finished thisnight, and 27,672 years hence you will have the order just as positiveas you have it now, so let it be done."
This theory made him very indifferent as to danger, or indeed as toanything. It was of no consequence, the affair took its station in thecourse of time. It had happened at the above period, and would happenagain. Fate was fate. But the boatswain was a more amusing personage. Hewas considered to be the _taughtest_ (that is, the most active andsevere) boatswain in the service. He went by the name of "GentlemanChucks"--the latter was his surname. He appeared to have received halfan education; sometimes his language was for a few sentences remarkablywell chosen, but, all of a sudden, he would break down at a hard word;but I shall be able to let the reader into more of his history as I goon with my adventures. He had a very handsome person, inclined to bestout, keen eyes, and hair curling in ringlets. He held his head up, andstrutted as he walked. He declared "that an officer should look like anofficer, and _comport_ himself accordingly." In his person he was veryclean, wore rings on his great fingers, and a large frill to his bosom,which stuck out like the back fin of a perch, and the collar of hisshirt was always pulled up to a level with his cheek-bones. He neverappeared on deck without his "persuader," which was three rattanstwisted into one, like a cable; sometimes he called it his Order of theBath, or his Tri_o_ junct_o_ in Uno; and this persuader was seldom idle.He attempted to be very polite, even when addressing the common seamen,and, certainly, he always commenced his observations to them in a verygracious manner, but, as he continued, he became less choice in hisphraseology. O'Brien said that his speeches were like the Sin of thepoet, very fair at the upper part of them, but shocking at the lowerextremities. As a specimen of them, he would say to the man on theforecastle, "Allow me to observe, my dear man, in the most delicate wayin the world, that you are spilling that tar upon the deck--a deck, sir,if I may venture to make the observation, I had the duty of seeingholystoned this morning. You understand me, sir, you have defiled hismajesty's forecastle. I must do my duty, sir, if you neglect yours; sotake that--and that--and that--(thrashing the man with his rattan)--youd--d hay-making son of a sea-cook. Do it again, d--n your eyes, and I'llcut your liver out."
I remember one of the ship's boys going forward with a kid of dirtywater to empty in the head, without putting his hand up to his hat as hepassed the boatswain. "Stop, my little friend," said the boatswain,pulling out his frill, and raising up both sides of his shirt-collar."Are you aware, sir, of my rank and station in society?"
"Yes, sir," replied the boy, trembling, and eyeing the rattan.
"Oh, you are!" replied Mr Chucks. "Had you not been aware of it, Ishould have considered a gentle correction necessary, that you mighthave avoided such an error in future; but, as you _were_ aware of it,why then, d--n you, you have no excuse, so take that--and that--youyelping, half-starved abortion. I really beg your pardon, Mr Simple,"said he to me, as the boy went howling forward, for I was walking withhim at the time; "but really the service makes brutes of us all. It ishard to sacrifice our health, our night's rest, and our comforts; butstill more so, that in my responsible situation, I am obliged too oftento sacrifice my gentility."
The master was the officer who had charge of the watch to which I wasstationed; he was a very rough sailor, who had been brought up in themerchant service, not much of a gentleman in his appearance, verygood-tempered, and very fond of grog. He always quarrelled with theboatswain, and declared that the service was going to the devil, nowthat warrant officers put on white shirts, and wore frills to them. Butthe boatswain did not care for him; he knew his duty, he did his duty,and if the captain was satisfied, he said, that the whole ship's companymight grumble. As for the master, he said, the man was very well, buthaving been brought up in a collier, he could not be expected to be veryrefined; in fact, he observed, pulling up his shirt-collar--"it wasimpossible to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." The master was verykind to me, and used to send me down to my hammock before my watch washalf over. Until that time, I walked the deck with O'Brien, who was avery pleasant companion, and taught me everything that he could,connected with my profession. One night, when he had the middle watch, Itold him I should like very much if he would give me the history of hislife. "That I will, my honey," replied he, "all that I can remember ofit, though I have no doubt but that I've forgotten the best part of it.It's now within five minutes of two bells, so we'll heave the log andmark the board, and then I'll spin you a yarn, which will keep us bothfrom going to sleep." O'Brien reported the rate of sailing to themaster, marked it down on the log-board, and then returned.
"So now, my boy, I'll come to an anchor on the topsail halyard rack, andyou may squeeze your thread-paper little carcass under my lee, and thenI'll tell you all about it. First and foremost, you must know that I amdescended from the great O'Brien Borru, who was king in his time, as thegreat Fingal was before him. Of course you've heard of Fingal?"
"I can't say that I ever did," replied I.
"Never heard of Fingal!--murder! Where must you have been all your life?Well, then, to give you some notion of Fingal, I will first tell you howFingal bothered the great Scotch giant, and then I'll go on with my ownstory. Fingal, you must know, was a giant himself, and no fool of one,and any one that affronted him was as sure of a bating, as I am to keepthe middle watch to-night. But there was a giant in Scotland as tall asthe mainmast, more or less, as we say when we a'n't quite sure, as itsaves telling more lies than there's occasion for. Well, this Scotchgiant heard of Fingal, and how he had beaten everybody, and he said,'Who is this Fingal? By Jasus,' says he in Scotch, 'I'll just walk overand see what he's made of.' So he walked across the Irish Channel, andlanded within half-a-mile of Belfast, but whether he was out of hisdepth or not I can't tell, although I suspect that he was notdry-footed. When Fingal heard that this great chap was coming over, hewas in a devil of a fright, for they told him that the Scotchman wastaller by a few feet or so. Giants, you know, measure by feet, and don'tbother themselves about the inches, as we little devils are obliged todo. So Fingal kept a sharp look-out for the Scotchman, and one finemorning, there he was, sure enough, coming up the hill to Fingal'shouse. If Fingal was afraid before, he had more reason to be afraid whenhe saw the fellow, for he looked for all the world like the Monumentupon a voyage of discovery. So Fingal ran into his house, and called tohis wife Shaya, 'My vourneen,' says he, 'be quick now; there's that bigbully of a Scotchman coming up the hill. Kiver me up with the blankets,and if he asks who is in be
d, tell him it's the child.' So Fingal laiddown on the bed, and his wife had just time to cover him up, when incomes the Scotchman, and though he stooped low, he broke his headagainst the portal. 'Where's that baste Fingal?' says he, rubbing hisforehead; 'show him to me, that I may give him a bating.' 'Whisht,whisht!' cries Shaya, 'you'll wake the babby, and then him that you talkof bating will be the death of you, if he comes in.' 'Is that thebabby?' cried the Scotchman with surprise, looking at the great carcassmuffled up in the blankets. 'Sure it is,' replied Shaya, 'and Fingal'sbabby too; so don't you wake him, or Fingal will twist your neck in aminute.' 'By the cross of St Andrew,' replied the giant, 'then it's timefor me to be off; for if that's his babby, I'll be but a mouthful to thefellow himself. Good morning to ye.' So the Scotch giant ran out of thehouse, and never stopped to eat or drink until he got back to his ownhills, foreby he was nearly drowned in having mistaken his passageacross the Channel in his great hurry. Then Fingal got up and laughed,as well he might, at his own 'cuteness; and so ends my story aboutFingal. And now I'll begin about myself. As I said before, I amdescended from the great O'Brien, who was a king in his time, but thattime's past. I suppose, as the world turns round, my children'schildren's posterity may be kings again, although there seems but littlechance of it just now; but there's ups and downs on a grand scale, aswell as in a man's own history, and the wheel of fortune keeps turningfor the comfort of those who are at the lowest spoke, as I may be justnow. To cut the story a little shorter, I skip down to mygreat-grandfather, who lived like a real gentleman, as he was, upon histen thousand a year. At last he died, and eight thousand of the ten wasburied with him. My grandfather followed his father all in good courseof time, and only left my father about one hundred acres of bog, to keepup the dignity of the family. I am the youngest of ten, and devil acopper have I but my pay, or am I likely to have. You may talk about_descent_, but a more _descending_ family than mine was never inexistence, for here am I with twenty-five pounds a-year, and a half-payof 'nothing a day, and find myself,' when my great ancestor did justwhat he pleased with all Ireland, and everybody in it. But this is allnothing, except to prove satisfactorily that I am not worth askillagalee, and that is the reason which induces me to condescend toserve his Majesty. Father M'Grath, the priest, who lived with my father,taught me the elements, as they call them. I thought I had enough of theelements then, but I've seen a deal more of them since. 'Terence,' saysmy father to me one day, 'what do you mane to do?' 'To get my dinner,sure,' replied I, for I was not a little hungry. 'And so you shallto-day, my vourneen,' replied my father, 'but in future you must dosomething to get your own dinner: there's not praties enow for the wholeof ye. Will you go to the _say_?' 'I'll just step down and look at it,'says I, for we lived but sixteen Irish miles from the coast; so when Ihad finished my meal, which did not take long, for want of ammunition, Itrotted down to the Cove to see what a ship might be like, and Ihappened upon a large one sure enough, for there lay a three-decker withan admiral's flag at the fore. 'May be you'll be so civil as to tell mewhat ship that is,' said I to a sailor on the pier. 'It's the QueenCharlotte,' replied he, 'of one hundred and twenty guns.' Now when Ilooked at her size, and compared her with all the little smacks and hoyslying about her, I very naturally asked how old she was; he replied,that she was no more than three years old. 'But three years old!'thought I to myself, 'it's a fine vessel you'll be when you'll come ofage, if you grow at that rate: you'll be as tall as the top ofBencrow,'(that's a mountain we have in our parts). You see, Peter, I wasa fool at that time, just as you are now; but by-and-by, when you've hadas many thrashings as I have had, you may chance to be as clever. I wentback to my father, and told him all I had seen, and he replied, that ifI liked it I might be a midshipman on board of her, with nine hundredmen under my command. He forgot to say how many I should have over me,but I found that out afterwards. I agreed, and my father ordered hispony and went to the lord-lieutenant, for he had interest enough forthat. The lord-lieutenant spoke to the admiral, who was staying at thepalace, and I was ordered on board as midshipman. My father fitted meout pretty handsomely, telling all the tradesmen that their bills shouldbe paid with my first prize-money, and thus, by promises and blarney, hegot credit for all I wanted. At last all was ready: Father M'Grath gaveme his blessing, and told me that if I died like an O'Brien, he wouldsay a power of masses for the good of my soul. 'May you never have thetrouble, sir,' said I. 'Och, trouble! a pleasure, my dear boy,' repliedhe, for he was a very polite man; so off I went with my big chest, notquite so full as it ought to have been, for my mother cribbed one halfof my stock for my brothers and sisters. 'I hope to be back again soon,father,' said I as I took my leave. 'I hope not, my dear boy,' repliedhe: 'a'n't you provided for, and what more would you have?' So, after adeal of bother, I was fairly on board, and I parted company with mychest, for I stayed on deck, and that went down below. I stared aboutwith all my eyes for some time, when who should be coming off but thecaptain, and the officers were ordered on deck to receive him. I wantedto have a quiet survey of him, so I took up my station on one of theguns, that I might examine him at my leisure. The boatswain whistled,the marines presented arms, and the officers all took off their hats asthe captain came on the deck, and then the guard was dismissed, and theyall walked about the deck as before; but I found it very pleasant to beastride on the gun, so I remained where I was. 'What do you mane bythat, you big young scoundrel?' says he, when he saw me. 'It's nothingat all I mane,' replied I; 'but what do you mane by calling an O'Brien ascoundrel?' 'Who is he?' said the captain to the first lieutenant. 'MrO'Brien, who joined the ship about an hour since.' 'Don't you knowbetter than to sit upon a gun?' said the captain. 'To be sure I do,'replied I, 'when there's anything better to sit upon.' 'He knows nobetter, sir,' observed the first lieutenant. 'Then he must be taught,'replied the captain. 'Mr O'Brien, since you have perched yourself onthat gun to please yourself, you will now continue there for two hoursto please me. Do you understand, sir?--you'll ride on that gun for twohours.' 'I understand, sir,' replied I; 'but I am afraid that he won'tmove without spurs, although there's plenty of _metal_ in him.' Thecaptain turned away and laughed as he went into his cabin, and all theofficers laughed, and I laughed too, for I perceived no great hardshipin sitting down an hour or two, any more than I do now. Well, I soonfound that, like a young bear, all my troubles were to come. The firstmonth was nothing but fighting and squabbling with my messmates; theycalled me a _raw_ Irishman, and _raw_ I was, sure enough, from theconstant thrashings and coltings I received from those who were biggerand stronger than myself; but nothing lasts for ever--as they discoveredthat whenever they found blows I could find back, they got tired of it,and left me and my brogue alone. We sailed for the Toolong fleet."
"What fleet?" inquired I.
"Why, the Toolong fleet, so called, I thought, because they remained toolong in harbour, bad luck to them; and then we were off Cape See-see(devil a bit could we see of them except their mast-heads) for I don'tknow how many months. But I forgot to say that I got into another scrapejust before we left harbour. It was my watch when they piped to dinner,and I took the liberty to run below, as my messmates had a knack offorgetting absent friends. Well, the captain came on board, and therewere no side boys, no side ropes, and no officers to receive him. Hecame on deck foaming with rage, for his dignity was hurt, and heinquired who was the midshipman of the watch. 'Mr O'Brien,' said theyall. 'Devil a bit,' replied I, 'it was my forenoon watch.' 'Who relievedyou, sir?' said the first lieutenant. 'Devil a soul, sir,' replied I;'for they were all too busy with their pork and beef.' 'Then why did youleave the deck without relief?' 'Because, sir, my stomach would have hadbut little relief if I had remained.' The captain, who stood by, said,'Do you see those cross-trees, sir?' 'Is it those little bits of woodthat you mane, on the top there, captain?' 'Yes, sir; now just go upthere, and stay until I call you down. You must be brought to yoursenses, young man, or you'll have but little prospect in the service.''I've an idea that I'll have plenty of prosp
ect when I get up there,'replied I, 'but it's all to please you.' So up I went, as I have many atime since, and as you often will, Peter, just to enjoy the fresh airand your own pleasant thoughts, all at one and the same time.
"At last I became much more used to the manners and customs of_say_-going people, and by the time that I had been fourteen months offCape See-see, I was considered a very genteel young midshipman, and mymessmates (that is, all that I could thrash, which didn't leave outmany) had a very great respect for me.
"The first time that I put my foot on shore was at Minorca, and then Iput my foot into it (as we say), for I was nearly killed for a heretic,and only saved by proving myself a true Catholic, which proves thatreligion is a great comfort in distress, as Father M'Grath used to say.Several of us went on shore, and having dined upon a roast turkey,stuffed with plum-pudding (for everything else was cooked in oil, and wecould not eat it), and having drunk as much wine as would float ajolly-boat, we ordered donkeys, to take a little equestrian exercise.Some went off tail on end, some with their hind-quarters uppermost, andthen the riders went off instead of the donkeys; some wouldn't go off atall; as for mine he would go--and where the devil do you think he went?Why, into the church where all the people were at mass; the poor brutewas dying with thirst, and smelt water. As soon as he was in,notwithstanding all my tugging and hauling, he ran his nose into theholy-water font, and drank it all up. Although I thought, that seeinghow few Christians have any religion, you could not expect much from adonkey, yet I was very much shocked at the sacrilege, and fearful of theconsequences. Nor was it without reason, for the people in the churchwere quite horrified, as well they might be, for the brute drank as muchholy-water as would have purified the whole town of Port Mahon, suburbsand all to boot. They rose up from their knees and seized me, callingupon all the saints in the calendar. Although I knew what they meant,not a word of their lingo could I speak, to plead for my life, and I wasalmost torn to pieces before the priest came up. Perceiving the danger Iwas in, I wiped my finger across the wet nose of the donkey, crossedmyself, and then went down on my knees to the priests, crying out _Culpamea_, as all good Catholics do--though 'twas no fault of mine, as I saidbefore, for I tried all I could, and tugged at the brute till mystrength was gone. The priests perceived by the manner in which Icrossed myself that I was a good Catholic, and guessed that it was all amistake of the donkey's. They ordered the crowd to be quiet, and sentfor an interpreter, when I explained the whole story. They gave meabsolution for what the donkey had done, and after that, as it was veryrare to meet an English officer who was a good Christian, I was in greatfavour during my stay at Minorca, and was living in plenty, paying fornothing, and as happy as a cricket. So the jackass proved a very goodfriend, and, to reward him, I hired him every day, and galloped him allover the island. But, at last, it occurred to me that I had broken myleave, for I was so happy on shore that I quite forgot that I had onlypermission for twenty-four hours, and I should not have remembered it sosoon, had it not been for a party of marines, headed by a sergeant, whotook me by the collar, and dragged me off my donkey. I was taken onboard, and put under an arrest for my misconduct. Now, Peter, I don'tknow anything more agreeable than being put under an arrest. Nothing todo all day but eat and drink, and please yourself, only forbid to appearon the quarter-deck, the only place that a midshipman wishes to avoid.Whether it was to punish me more severely, or whether he forgot allabout me, I can't tell, but it was nearly two months before I was sentfor to the cabin; and the captain, with a most terrible frown, said,that he trusted that my punishment would be a warning to me, and thatnow I might return to my duty. 'Plase your honour,' said I, 'I don'tthink that I've been punished enough yet.' 'I am glad to find that youare so penitent, but you are forgiven, so take care that you do notoblige me to put you again in confinement.' So, as there was nopersuading him, I was obliged to return to my duty again; but I made aresolution that I would get into another scrape again as soon as Idared--"
"Sail on the starboard bow!" cried the look-out man.
"Very well," replied the master; "Mr O'Brien--where's Mr O'Brien?"
"Is it me you mane, sir?" said O'Brien, walking up to the master, for hehad sat down so long in the topsail-halyard rack, that he was wedged inand could not get out immediately.
"Yes, sir; go forward, and see what that vessel is."
"Aye, aye, sir," said O'Brien. "And Mr Simple," continued the master,"go down and bring me up my night-glass."
"Yes, sir," replied I. I had no idea of a night-glass; and as I observedthat about this time his servant brought him up a glass of grog, Ithought it very lucky that I knew what he meant. "Take care that youdon't break it, Mr Simple." "Oh, then, I'm all right," thought I; "hemeans the tumbler." So down I went, called up the gunroom steward, anddesired him to give me a glass of grog for Mr Doball. The stewardtumbled out in his shirt, mixed the grog, and gave it to me, and Icarried it up very carefully to the quarter-deck.
During my absence, the master had called the captain, and in pursuanceof his orders, O'Brien had called the first lieutenant, and when I cameup the ladder, they were both on deck. As I was ascending, I heard themaster say, "I have sent young Simple down for my night-glass, but he isso long, that I suppose he has made some mistake. He's but half a fool.""That I deny," replied Mr Falcon, the first lieutenant, just as I put myfoot on the quarter-deck; "he's no fool." "Perhaps not," replied themaster. "Oh, here he is. What made you so long, Mr Simple--where is mynight-glass?"
"Here it is, sir," replied I, handing him the tumbler of grog; "I toldthe steward to make it stiff." The captain and the first lieutenantburst out into a laugh for Mr Doball was known to be very fond of grog;the former walked aft to conceal his mirth; but the latter remained. MrDoball was in a great rage. "Did not I say that the boy was half afool?" cried he to the first lieutenant. "At all events, I'll not allowthat he has proved himself so in this instance," replied Mr Falcon, "forhe has hit the right nail on the head." Then the first lieutenant joinedthe captain, and they both went off laughing. "Put it on the capstan,sir," said Mr Doball to me, in an angry voice. "I'll punish youby-and-by." I was very much astonished; I hardly knew whether I had doneright or wrong; at all events, thought I to myself, I did for the best;so I put it on the capstan and walked to my own side of the deck. Thecaptain and first lieutenant then went below, and O'Brien came aft."What vessel is it?" said I.
"To the best of my belief, it's one of your bathing-machines going homewith despatches," replied he.
"A bathing machine," said I; "why I thought that they were hauled up onthe beach." "That's the Brighton sort; but these are made not to go upat all."
"What then?"
"Why, to _go down_, to be sure; and remarkably well they answer theirpurpose. I won't puzzle you any more, my Peter--I'm spakinghelligorically, which I believe means telling a hell of a lie. It's oneof your ten-gun brigs, to the best of my knowledge."
I then told O'Brien what had occurred, and how the master was angry withme. O'Brien laughed very heartily, and told me never to mind, but tokeep in the lee-scuppers and watch him. "A glass of grog is a bait thathe'll play round till he gorges. When you see it to his lips, go up tohim boldly, and ask his pardon, if you have offended him, and then, ifhe's a good Christian, as I believe him to be, he'll not refuse it."
I thought this was very good advice, and I waited under the bulwark onthe lee-side. I observed that the master made shorter and shorter turnsevery time, till at last he stopped at the capstan and looked at thegrog. He waited about half a minute, and then he took up the tumbler,and drank about half of it. It was very strong, and he stopped to takebreath. I thought this was the right time, and I went up to him. Thetumbler was again to his lips, and before he saw me, I said, "I hope,sir, you'll forgive me; I never heard of a night telescope, and knowingthat you had walked so long, I thought you were tired, and wantedsomething to drink to refresh you." "Well, Mr Simple," said he, after hehad finished the glass, with a deep sigh of pleasure, "as you meantkindly, I
shall let you off this time; but recollect, that whenever youbring me a glass of grog again, it must not be in the presence of thecaptain or first lieutenant." I promised him very faithfully, and wentaway quite delighted with my having made my peace with him, and more so,that the first lieutenant had said that I was no fool for what I haddone.
At last our watch was over, and about two bells I was relieved by themidshipmen of the next watch. It is very unfair not to relieve in time,but if I said a word I was certain to be thrashed the next day upon somepretence or other. On the other hand, the midshipman whom I relieved wasalso much bigger than I was, and if I was not up before one bell, I wascut down and thrashed by him: so that between the two I kept much morethan my share of the watch, except when the master sent me to bed beforeit was over.
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