Chapter XXXII
I am claimed by Captain Kearney as a relation--Trial of skill betweenfirst lieutenant and captain with the long bow--The shark, the pug-dog,and the will--A quarter-deck picture.
As the admiral was not one who would permit the ships under his commandto lie idle in port, in a very few days after the dignity ball which Ihave described, all the squadron sailed on their various destinations. Iwas not sorry to leave the bay, for one soon becomes tired of profusion,and cared nothing for either oranges, bananas, or shaddocks, nor evenfor, the good dinners and claret at the tables of the army mess andgentlemen of the island. The sea breeze soon became more precious to usthan anything else, and if we could have bathed without the fear of ashark, we should have equally appreciated that most refreshing of allluxuries under the torrid zone. It was therefore with pleasure that wereceived the information that we were to sail the next day to cruise offthe French island of Martinique. Captain Kearney had been so much onshore that we saw but little of him, and the ship was entirely under thecontrol of the first lieutenant, of whom I have hitherto not spoken. Hewas a very short, pock-marked man, with red hair and whiskers, a goodsailor, and not a bad officer; that is, he was a practical sailor, andcould show any foremast man his duty in any department--and this seamenvery much appreciate, as it is not very common; but I never yet knew anofficer who prided himself upon his practical knowledge, who was at thesame time a good navigator, and too often, by assuming the Jack Tar,they lower the respect due to them, and become coarse and vulgar intheir manners and language. This was the case with Mr Phillott, whoprided himself upon his slang, and who was at one time "hail fellow wellmet" with the seamen, talking to them, and being answered as familiarlyas if they were equals, and at another, knocking the very same men downwith a handspike if he was displeased. He was not bad-tempered, but veryhasty; and his language to the officers was occasionally very incorrect;to the midshipmen invariably so. However, on the whole, he was notdisliked, although he was certainly not respected as a first lieutenantshould have been. It is but fair to say, that he was the same to hissuperiors as he was to his inferiors, and the bluntness with which heused to contradict and assert his disbelief of Captain Kearney'snarratives often produced a coolness between them for some days.
The day after we sailed from Carlisle Bay I was asked to dine in thecabin. The dinner was served upon plated dishes, which looked verygrand, but there was not much in them. "This plate," observed thecaptain, "was presented to me by some merchants for my exertions insaving their property from the Danes when I was cruising offHeligoland."
"Why, that lying steward of yours told me that you bought it atPortsmouth," replied the first lieutenant: "I asked him in the galleythis morning."
"How came you to assert such a confounded falsehood, sir?" said thecaptain to the man who stood behind his chair.
"I only said that I thought so," replied the steward.
"Why, didn't you say that the bill had been sent in, through you, sevenor eight times, and that the captain had paid it with a flowing sheet?"
"Did you dare say that, sir?" interrogated the captain, very angrily.
"Mr Phillott mistook me, sir?" replied the steward. "He was so busydamning the sweepers, that he did not hear me right. I said, themidshipmen had paid their crockery bill with the fore-topsail."
"Ay! ay!" replied the captain, "that's much more likely."
"Well, Mr Steward," replied Mr Phillott, "I'll be d----d if you ar'n'tas big a liar as your--" (master, he was going to plump out, butfortunately the first lieutenant checked himself, and added)--"as yourfather was before you."
The captain changed the conversation by asking me whether I would take aslice of ham. "It's real Westphalia, Mr Simple; I have them sent medirect by Count Troningsken, an intimate friend of mine, who kills hisown wild boars in the Hartz mountains."
"How the devil do you get them over, Captain Kearney?"
"There are ways and means of doing everything, Mr Phillott, and theFirst Consul is not quite so bad as he is represented. The first batchwas sent over with a very handsome letter to me, written in his ownhand, which I will show you some of these days. I wrote to him inreturn, and sent to him two Cheshire cheeses by a smuggler, and sincethat they came regularly. Did you ever eat Westphalia ham, Mr Simple?"
"Yes," replied I; "once I partook of one at Lord Privilege's."
"Lord Privilege! why he's a distant relation of mine, a sort of fifthcousin," replied Captain Kearney.
"Indeed, sir!" replied I.
"Then you must allow me to introduce you to a relation, CaptainKearney," said the first lieutenant; "for Mr Simple is his grandson."
"Is it possible? I can only say, Mr Simple, that I shall be most happyto show you every attention, and am very glad that I have you as one ofmy officers."
Now although this was all false, for Captain Kearney was not in theremotest manner connected with my family, yet having once asserted it,he could not retract, and the consequence was, that I was much thegainer by his falsehood, as he treated me very kindly afterwards, alwayscalling me _cousin_.
The first lieutenant smiled and gave me a wink, when the captain hadfinished his speech to me, as much as to say, "You're in luck," and thenthe conversation changed. Captain Kearney certainly dealt in themarvellous to admiration, and really told his stories with suchearnestness, that I actually believe that he thought he was telling thetruth. Never was there such an instance of confirmed habit. Telling astory of a cutting-out expedition, he said, "The French captain wouldhave fallen by my hand, but just as I levelled my musket, a ball came,and cut off the cock of the lock as clean as if it was done with aknife--a very remarkable instance," observed he.
"Not equal to what occurred in a ship I was in," replied the firstlieutenant, "when the second lieutenant was grazed by a grape-shot,which cut off one of his whiskers, and turning round his head toascertain what was the matter, another grape-shot came and took off theother. Now that's what I call a _close shave_."
"Yes," replied Captain Kearney, "very close, indeed, if it were true;but you'll excuse me, Mr Phillott, but you sometimes tell strangestories. I do not mind it myself, but the example is not good to myyoung relation here, Mr Simple."
"Captain Kearney," replied the first lieutenant, laughing veryimmoderately, "do you know what the pot called the kettle?"
"No, sir, I do not," retorted the captain, with offended dignity. "MrSimple, will you take a glass of wine?"
I thought that this little _brouillerie_ would have checked the captain;it did so, but only for a few minutes, when he again commenced. Thefirst lieutenant observed that it would be necessary to let water intothe ship every morning, and pump it out, to avoid the smell of thebilge-water. "There are worse smells than bilge-water," replied thecaptain. "What do you think of a whole ship's company being nearlypoisoned with otto of roses? Yet that occurred to me when in theMediterranean. I was off Smyrna, cruising for a French ship, that was tosail to France, with a pasha on board, as an ambassador. I knew shewould be a good prize, and was looking sharp out, when one morning wediscovered her on the lee bow. We made all sail, but she walked awayfrom us, bearing away gradually till we were both before the wind, andat night we lost sight of her. As I knew that she was bound toMarseilles, I made all sail to fall in with her again. The wind waslight and variable; but five days afterwards, as I lay in my cot, justbefore daylight, I smelt a very strong smell, blowing in at the weatherport, and coming down the skylight, which was open; and after sniffingat it two or three times, I knew it to be otto of roses. I sent for theofficer of the watch, and asked him if there was anything in sight. Hereplied 'that there was not;' and I ordered him to sweep the horizonwith his glass, and look well out to windward. As the wind freshened,the smell became more powerful. I ordered him to get the royal yardsacross, and all ready to make sail, for I knew that the Turk must benear us. At daylight there he was, just three miles ahead in the wind'seye. But although he beat us going free, he was no match for us, on awind,
and before noon we had possession of him and all his harem.By-the-by, I could tell you a good story about the ladies. She was avery valuable prize, and among other things, she had a _puncheon_ ofotto of roses on board--."
"Whew!" cried the first lieutenant. "What! a whole puncheon?"
"Yes," replied the captain, "a Turkish puncheon--not quite so large,perhaps, as ours on board; their weights and measures are different. Itook out most of the valuables into the brig I commanded--about 20,000sequins--carpets--and among the rest, this cask of otto of roses, whichwe had smelt three miles off. We had it safe on board, when the mate ofthe hold, not slinging it properly, it fell into the spirit-room with arun, and was stove to pieces. Never was such a scene; my firstlieutenant and several men on deck fainted; and the men in the hold werebrought up lifeless; it was some time before they were recovered. We letthe water into the brig, and pumped it out, but nothing would take awaythe smell, which was so overpowering, that before I could get to Malta Ihad forty men on the sick list. When I arrived there, I turned the mateout of the service for his carelessness. It was not until after havingsmoked the brig, and finding that of little use, after having sunk herfor three weeks, that the smell was at all bearable; but even then itcould never be eradicated, and the admiral sent the brig home, and shewas sold out of the service. They could do nothing with her at thedockyards. She was broken up, and bought by the people at Brighton andTunbridge Wells, who used her timbers for turning fancy articles, which,smelling as they did, so strongly of otto of roses, proved veryprofitable. Were you ever at Brighton, Mr Simple?"
"Never, sir."
Just at this moment, the officer of the watch came down to say thatthere was a very large shark under the counter, and wished to know ifthe captain had any objection to the officers attempting to catch it.
"By no means," replied Captain Kearney; "I hate sharks as I do thedevil. I nearly lost L14,000 by one, when I was in the Mediterranean."
"May I inquire how, Captain Kearney?" said the first lieutenant, with ademure face; "I'm very anxious to know."
"Why the story is simply this," replied the captain. "I had an oldrelation at Malta, whom I found out by accident--an old maid of sixty,who had lived all her life on the island. It was by mere accident that Iknew of her existence. I was walking upon Strada Reale, when I saw alarge baboon that was kept there, who had a little fat pug-dog by thetail, which he was pulling away with him, while an old lady wasscreaming out for help: for whenever she ran to assist her dog, thebaboon made at her as if he would have ravished her, and caught her bythe petticoats with one hand, while he held the pug-dog fast by theother. I owed that brute a spite for having attacked me one night when Ipassed him, and perceiving what was going on, I drew my sword and gaveMr Jacko such a clip as sent him away howling, and bleeding like a pig,leaving me in possession of the little pug, which I took up and handedto his mistress. The old lady trembled very much, and begged me to seeher safe home. She had a very fine house, and after she was seated onthe sofa, thanked me very much for my gallant assistance, as she termedit, and told me her name was Kearney: upon this I very soon proved myrelationship with her, at which she was much delighted, requesting me toconsider her house as my home. I was for two years afterwards on thatstation, and played my cards very well; and the old lady gave me a hintthat I should be her heir, as she had no other relations that she knewanything of. At last I was ordered home, and not wishing to leave her, Ibegged her to accompany me, offering her my cabin. She was taken veryill a fortnight before we sailed, and made a will, leaving me her soleheir; but she recovered, and got as fat as ever. Mr Simple, the winestands with you. I doubt if Lord Privilege gave you better claret thanthere is in that bottle; I imported it myself ten years ago, when Icommanded the _Coquette_."
"Very odd," observed the first lieutenant--"we bought some at Barbadoeswith the same mark on the bottles and cork."
"That may be," replied the captain; "old-established houses all keep upthe same marks; but I doubt if your wine can be compared to this."
As Mr Phillott wished to hear the end of the captain's story, he wouldnot contradict him this time, by stating what he knew to be the case,that the captain had sent it on board at Barbadoes; and the captainproceeded.
"Well, I gave up my cabin to the old lady, and hung up my cot in thegun-room during the passage home.
"We were becalmed abreast of Ceuta for two days. The old lady was veryparticular about her pug-dog, and I superintended the washing of thelittle brute twice a week; but at last I was tired of it, and gave himto my coxswain to bathe. My coxswain, who was a lazy fellow, without myknowledge, used to put the little beast into the bight of a rope, andtow him overboard for a minute or so. It was during this calm that hehad him overboard in this way, when a confounded shark rose from underthe counter, and took in the pug-dog at one mouthful. The coxswainreported the loss as a thing of no consequence; but I knew better, andput the fellow in irons. I then went down and broke the melancholy factto Miss Kearney, stating that I had put the man in irons, and would floghim well. The old lady broke out into a most violent passion at theintelligence, declared that it was my fault, that I was jealous of thedog, and had done it on purpose. The more I protested, the more sheraved; and at last I was obliged to go on deck to avoid her abuse andkeep my temper. I had not been on deck five minutes before she came up--that is, was shoved up--for she was so heavy that she could not get upwithout assistance. You know how elephants in India push the cannonthrough a morass with their heads from behind; well, my steward used toshove her up the companion-ladder just in the same way, with his headcompletely buried in her petticoats. As soon as she was up, he used topull his head out, looking as red and hot as a fresh-boiled lobster.Well, up she came, with her will in her hand, and, looking at me veryfiercely, she said, 'Since the shark has taken my dear dog, he may havemy will also,' and, throwing it overboard, she plumped down on thecarronade slide. 'It's very well, madam,' said I, 'but you'll be coolby-and-by, and then you'll make another will.' 'I swear by all the hopesthat I have of going to heaven that I never will!' she replied. 'Yes,you will, madam,' replied I. 'Never, so help me God! Captain Kearney; mymoney may now go to my next heir, and that, you know, will not be you.'Now, as I knew very well that the old lady was very positive and as goodas her word, my object was to recover the will, which was floating aboutfifty yards astern, without her knowledge. I thought a moment, and thenI called the boatswain's mate to _pipe all hands to bathe_. 'You'llexcuse me, Miss Kearney,' said I, 'but the men are going to bathe, and Ido not think you would like to see them all naked. If you would, you canstay on deck.' She looked daggers at me, and, rising from the carronadeslide, hobbled to the ladder, saying, 'that the insult was another proofof how little I deserved any kindness from her.' As soon as she wasbelow, the quarter-boats were lowered down, and I went in one of themand picked up the will, which still floated. Brigs having nostern-windows, of course she could not see my manoeuvre, but thoughtthat the will was lost for ever. We had very bad weather after that,owing to which, with the loss of her favourite pug, and constantquarrelling with me--for I did all I could to annoy her afterwards--shefell ill, and was buried a fortnight after she was landed at Plymouth.The old lady kept her word; she never made another will. I proved theone I had recovered at Doctors' Commons, and touched the whole of hermoney."
As neither the first lieutenant nor I could prove whether the story wastrue or not, of course we expressed our congratulations at his goodfortune, and soon afterwards left the cabin to report his marvellousstory to our messmates. When I went on deck, I found that the shark hadjust been hooked, and was hauling on board. Mr Phillott had also come ondeck. The officers were all eager about the shark, and were looking overthe side, calling to each other, and giving directions to the men. Now,although certainly there was a want of decorum on the quarter-deck,still, the captain having given permission, it was to be excused; but MrPhillott thought otherwise, and commenced in his usual style, beginningwith the marine officer.
"M
r Westley, I'll trouble you not to be getting upon the hammocks.You'll get off directly, sir. If one of your fellows were to do so, I'dstop his grog for a month, and I don't see why you are to set a badexample; you've been too long in barracks, sir, by half. Who is that? MrWilliams and Mr Moore--both on the hammocks, too. Up to the foretopmasthead, both of you, directly. Mr Thomas, up to the main; and I say, youyoungster, stealing off, perch yourself upon the spanker-boom, and letme know when you've rode to London. By God! the service is going tohell! I don't know what officers are made of now-a-days. I'll marry someof you young gentlemen to the gunner's daughter before long.Quarter-deck's no better than a bear-garden. No wonder, when lieutenantsset the example."
This latter remark could only be applied to O'Brien, who stood in thequarter-boat giving directions, before the tirade of Mr Phillott stoppedthe amusement of the party. O'Brien immediately stepped out of the boat,and going up to Mr Phillott, touched his hat, and said, "Mr Phillott, wehad the captain's permission to catch the shark, and a shark is not tobe got on board by walking up and down on the quarter-deck. As regardsmyself, as long as the captain is on board, I hold myself responsible tohim alone for my conduct; and if you think I have done wrong, forwardyour complaint; but if you pretend to use such language to me, as youhave to others, I shall hold you responsible. I am here, sir, as anofficer and a gentleman, and will be treated as such; and allow me toobserve, that I consider the quarter-deck more disgraced by foul andungentlemanly language, than I do by an officer accidentally standingupon the hammocks. However, as you have thought proper to interfere, youmay now get the shark on board yourself."
Mr Phillott turned very red, for he never had come in contact in thisway with O'Brien. All the other officers had submitted quietly to hisunpleasant manner of speaking to them. "Very well, Mr O'Brien; I shallhold you answerable for this language," replied he, "and shall mostcertainly report your conduct to the captain."
"I will save you the trouble; Captain Kearney is now coming up, and Iwill report it myself."
This O'Brien did, upon the captain's putting his foot on thequarter-deck.
"Well," observed the captain to Mr Phillott, "what is it you complainof?"
"Mr O'Brien's language, sir. Am I to be addressed on the quarter-deck inthat manner?"
"I really must say, Mr Phillott," replied Captain Kearney, "that I donot perceive anything in what Mr O'Brien said, but what is correct. Icommand here; and if an officer so nearly equal in rank to yourself hascommitted himself, you are not to take the law into your own hands. Thefact is, Mr Phillott, your language is not quite so correct as I couldwish it. I overheard every word that passed, and I consider that _you_have treated _your superior_ officer with disrespect--that is, _me_. Igave permission that the shark should be caught, and with thatpermission, I consequently allowed those little deviations from thediscipline of the service which must inevitably take place. Yet you havethought proper to interfere with my permission, which is tantamount toan order, and have made use of harsh language, and punished the younggentlemen for obeying my injunctions. You will oblige me, sir, bycalling them all down, and in restraining your petulance for the future.I will always support your authority when you are correct; but I regretthat in this instance you have necessitated me to weaken it."
This was a most severe check to Mr Phillott, who immediately went below,after hailing the mastheads and calling down the midshipmen. As soon ashe was gone we were all on the hammocks again; the shark was hauledforward, hoisted on board, and every frying-pan in the ship was inrequisition. We were all much pleased with Captain Kearney's conduct onthis occasion; and, as O'Brien observed to me, "He really is a goodfellow and clever officer. What a thousand pities it is, that he is sucha confounded liar!" I must do Mr Phillott the justice to say that hebore no malice on this occasion, but treated us as before, which issaying a great deal in his favour, when it is considered what power afirst lieutenant has of annoying and punishing his inferiors.
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