by J. L. Stiles
Scarlett quietly snorted a laugh, raising her brow. “Okay. Text me later. And Kai - welcome home.”
Kai mumbled his thanks as Scarlett and Jake squeezed past him and out the shop door, leaving him and Nora to continue standing there, taking up space and not talking.
The coffee shop was busy and Kai stepped into Nora, placing a hand protectively on her shoulder, as several other people shuffled and pushed by them and out the door. She hadn’t been this close to him in almost five years, since he’d taken off out West after Robbie’s death. Nora became acutely aware of his full height, the breadth of his shoulders - and his jaw, peppered with dark auburn stubble and cut like stone.
He stooped a little, bringing his mouth closer to her ear. “Can we… have dinner? Tomorrow, maybe?” His breath smelled like peppermint, the warmth of it sending a shiver down her spine.
She took a deep breath, trying to calm her heart, which was now trying to gallop out of her chest. “Yeah - that’d be great,” she said, finally looking back up into his expectant face.
A grin lifted the corners of his mouth. “Great - let me get your number and I’ll text you my address. It’s a little sparse ‘coz I just moved in but, it’s something.”
“Okay.” She could think of nothing else to say, the shock of Kai’s return fully catching up with her. Fishing her phone from her coat pocket, they exchanged numbers, Nora only half paying attention to the plans they were making.
The other half of her was warring between excitement at Kai’s return - and crushing, agonizing guilt.
Chapter 3
“I’m so nervous, Scarlett. Why am I so nervous?”
Nora was marching across her bedroom, searching for a different top, talking to Scarlett over the phone. Although she’d been feeling good most of the day, the last couple of hours had been a struggle and she’d called Scarlett in a bit of a panic.
“You’re nervous because you haven’t seen or talked to Kai in, like, five years,” Scarlett’s voice said through the phone on Nora’s bedside table. “And the last time you did see and talk to him, aside from yesterday, was the day of Robbie’s funeral. Anyone would be nervous, Nor. It’s okay.”
“But I mean - what are we gonna talk about? I’m no good at the whole small-talk thing.”
“Nora - are you serious? You can talk the ear off a goddamn fence post.”
“Yeah, but this is Kai, Scarlett. Kai! The guy I thought was gone forever.” Nora’s breath left her lungs in an exasperated rush. She wasn’t used to feeling this nervous, and especially not about Kai.
“Yeah, well, he’s back. And he’s someone you used to know really well. So, I’m betting that shit doesn’t just go away. You might feel weird right now, but you’re gonna be fine, Nora. I promise. Now - how’s the shirt situation going?”
30 minutes later, Nora turned to lock the door behind her, shivering. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the outside temperature, or because she was going to have dinner with the man who’d left her by herself five years ago to mourn the sudden death of her husband and his best friend. Getting into her car, she sat for a minute, waiting for the air coming from the heat vents to warm up. Maybe she was nervous because of all the things that had been flying around inside her mind since she’d seen Kai yesterday.
How much different he looked now.
More mature.
More settled and sure of himself.
And very, very sexy.
“Ohmygod. Fuck!” Nora reached for the keys and shut off the ignition. This was not okay. These thoughts of how sexy Kai looked and, Jesus, that dream she’d had last night about him…
“Not okay, Nora. This is not okay.”
She’d gotten used to talking to herself after Robbie died. When you suddenly go from living with someone to not living with someone, it’s easy to forget that no one is around to listen to you anymore. That there’s no one else to cook or clean for, or to laugh with, or to lie in bed with. Swallowing hard, Nora fought back tears, wanting so badly to go back inside and cancel dinner with Kai.
But she couldn’t deny that tiny nudge she’d felt inside her heart even before she’d turned around to lay eyes on him. Just the sound of Kai’s voice had lit a fire inside of her, had moved her in a way she thought was impossible since Robbie had been gone.
She and Kai had sat together in the coffee shop for a few minutes yesterday, Kai saying he had wanted to reach out sooner but had been busy getting his construction business set up. He’d left firefighting altogether to pursue the dream he and Robbie had started all those years ago. Firewood Construction Limited was now a reality, something Nora had smiled at, congratulating him. It was bittersweet, but she was happy for him.
But now? Nora didn’t know what to think.
Taking a slow, deep breath in through her nose - thanks, yoga, for teaching calming breath techniques - Nora turned the engine over once more. Shifting into gear, she began the drive across the city to Kai’s new place, knowing exactly where she was going even though she’d never been there.
20 minutes later, she pulled up to the curb in front of Kai’s house. It was a craftsman style, the kind that he and Robbie used to talk about building. Looking it over, Nora smiled, making a mental note to be brave and mention it.
Walking up the cement walkway, her stomach lurched as she looked up and saw Kai leaning against the doorframe, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, a small smile on his face as he watched her come closer.
Okay - so he looks good. So what? Keep calm and walk on, Nora.
He wasn’t wearing anything out of the ordinary: light blue jeans and a heather blue t-shirt and white socks. But it was the way the shirt pulled over his chest, the way the jeans fell just so over his narrow hips, the way the blue of the shirt offset the auburn colour of his hair and made his fair skin look just slightly tanned that had Nora’s breath coming a little faster and her mouth way too dry as she climbed the steps and stopped in front of him.
She stared at him for a minute, then shrugged. “Hey.” Her voice was soft, a gentle sound on the icy wind coming at her back.
Instead of replying, Kai stepped out of the house, wrapping his arms around her to the point where she couldn’t feel the bite of the wind anymore. At first, she didn’t move; she was afraid that if she did, if she let herself put her arms around him, that she wouldn’t be able to let go. But as she felt his embrace tighten around her, she all but dropped the wine she was carrying as she let her arms snake around his waist.
Nora could feel his racing heartbeat against her own chest, could feel his breathing coming in short bursts, almost like hiccups.
He was crying in her arms.
She moved to lift her head, wanting to lay eyes on him, her apprehension melting away at his display of vulnerability.
“Kai,” she whispered into his ear. “It’s okay.”
Finally, he brought his head up to look at her. Nora hadn’t realized her own tears had been falling until he swept his thumbs across her cheeks to wipe them away.
“I’m sorry, Nor. I’m so goddamn sorry.” Kai’s jaw tightened and a look came into his eyes that surprised her. Longing. Passion. And guilt.
She knew those things well.
A gust of frigid wind broke their reverie. Kai smiled a humourless smile. “C’mon in.”
Stepping inside, Nora looked around, removing her coat and taking in the warm atmosphere of Kai’s home. A wood-burning fireplace was alight in the living room to her right, a hallway leading to the kitchen in front of her and a set of stairs curving up to her left.
“Classic craftsman,” she said, smiling up at Kai as he took the wine and then her coat.
“Yeah,” he said, returning her smile. “I got it before they even listed it. I… had an agent looking for me for a while. He knew what I wanted and finally found it. Here, I’ll give you the tour.”
They spent the next 10 minutes roaming around Kai’s house, which was a little bare but still very comfortable and homey. By the tim
e the tour ended in the kitchen, Nora felt much more relaxed about being there with him.
Earlier, Scarlett had encouraged her not to small-talk but to dive right into the heavy stuff: why he’d left and why he hadn’t stayed in touch. Nora had resisted at first, but, deep down, she needed to know what was going on with him - and what could have possibly motivated him to leave her when they’d needed each other the most.
Kai handed her a glass of the red wine she’d brought. “We’re having roast beef but it’s not quite ready, so - do you wanna sit at the fire?”
“Sure.” She followed him into the living room, thankful for the heat of the fire in the hearth. Sitting down on the large, plush couch, Nora faced Kai, cocking her head to one side as she sipped her wine. Kai settled himself in the couch's corner and did the same. It was as if they were playing chicken, inwardly betting to see who would speak first.
Nora always won that game.
“Why’d you leave, Kai?” Her voice was gentle, not at all accusing or angry.
Kai let out a huge breath. “I couldn’t stay,” he said, looking away from her and into the dancing fire. “I couldn’t stay here after what happened.”
“But did you have to leave the same day we buried him? I mean, c’mon, Kai - I could have really used my best friend over the last five years. And I feel like you probably could have used me, too.”
“I know,” Kai said, glancing up to the ceiling before letting his gaze come back to Nora, then back to the flames. “I know I fucked up. But there’s… there're things you don’t know, Nora. About what happened.”
Nora said nothing for a minute. Finally, she moved so he’d bring his eyes back to hers. “Then tell me,” she said.
Kai took a shaky breath in, looking to the ceiling again and holding there for a while. “It was my fault. The accident. It was my fault he died.”
Nora shook her head. In the hours she’d spent lying awake the night before, she’d wondered if Kai blamed himself for Robbie’s death. But Nora had read the accident report and had spoken with their Captain. The building they’d been in wasn’t as stable as they’d thought. The fire had further compromised its stability, which was how the beam fallen. Robbie had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“Kai, don’t,” Nora murmured, scooting closer to him on the couch so she could touch a hand to his knee. “It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. That’s all.”
“Nora,” Kai breathed, “I left him in there. When the beam fell and he was under it, I left him to go get help when I should have just stayed with him. But I couldn’t move the goddamn beam, so I yelled that I’d be back - but by the time I wanted to go back in, Cap wouldn’t let me because the blaze had gotten too big and he… and Robbie…”
Nora put her glass on the coffee table. Moving over the couch, she took Kai’s glass from his hand, setting it down. She took his face her hands and stared into his eyes, so full of anguish and guilt. A tear slipped from his eye as they looked at each other, Nora wanting so badly to take his pain away.
“Kai - it’s not your fault. It is not your fault.” Leaning into him, Nora wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face into him as he did the same. His breaths were short and ragged but he wasn’t weeping like before; his body felt different this time, like it was melting into hers.
Exactly like how Nora was melting into him.
Without thinking, Nora pulled back to look at him once again, this time putting barely any space between them. The look in his eyes mirrored her own, a look of deep pain but also wanting and passion. Slowly, Nora bent her lips to his, her body responding immediately to his heat, to the softness of his full, wet lips.
For a moment, Kai was still - until he wasn’t. Grabbing her around the waist, he pulled Nora into his lap, never once breaking their ever-deepening kiss. Nora’s hands trailed over his jaw and down his neck, then back up into his hair. The feel of his tongue as it moved hers thrilled her to her core. His hands moved over her back and down to her waist with sureness, not stopping until they cupped her ass, squeezing just a little. She moaned into his mouth and felt him get hard beneath her, setting off what felt like an electric shock through her entire body.
Finally, he broke away from her mouth to trail his tongue over her jawline and her neck, nipping and kissing his way down to her cleavage. His hands came up her torso, filling with her breasts as he massaged them, Nora leaning her head back, revelling in the feeling of being touched like this.
“Oh fuck. Robbie,” she breathed.
Immediately, they both went still. As reality came flooding back to her, Nora felt Kai move his hands completely off of her body. She could barely breathe as she stood from his lap, shame and guilt filling her like a tsunami.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, moving swiftly out of the living room and into the hallway, grabbing her coat and shoes and fleeing out the front door, into the cold, dark night and away from her best friend, the beautiful man sitting dumbfounded on the couch.
Chapter 4
“Oh, God. Nora…”
Scarlett was grimacing at her. The others - Sade, Jules and Amelia - were staring at her with varying looks of sympathy on their faces. Nora and the girls were at Sade’s place for their monthly Girl’s Night dinner, and Nora had just told them what had happened between her and Kai the night before.
“It’s bad, right? I mean - this is terrible. Right, you guys?” Nora got up from the chair she’d been sitting in and started pacing, a tumbler of whiskey and water in her hand. “Literally, the last time I laid eyes on this man was the day I put my husband in the ground. We have not spoken in almost five goddamn years. And practically the first thing we do after reconnecting is jump each other?! I mean - that’s sick! I’m sick!” Nora cried, turning so sharply, her drink slopped over the rim of the glass.
“First of all - here’s a cloth,” Sade said, smiling sympathetically at Nora as she bent to wipe up the spill. “Second of all - you’re not a sicko. Because, honestly?” She paused, looking around at the other women, who all nodded as if encouraging her to continue. “None of us are really that surprised at this. Okay, sure, maybe we’re a little surprised that you said Robbie’s name in that moment. But if you think about it, even that makes sense.”
“How? How could me saying Robbie’s name as Kai is feeling me up possibly make sense?! Oh God, saying it out loud makes me wanna throw up.”
Nora took a shallow breath, squinting around at her friends. They were being so chill about this; it was unnerving. Almost as if they knew about…
No. No way. Don’t tell them.
“Nora,” said Amelia from her place on the couch. “You and Kai haven’t had a chance to grieve together. You both lost someone when Robbie died. And Kai has thought it was his fault this whole time. So when you - Robbie’s wife - tell him it isn’t his fault… can you imagine what that must have felt like for him, to hear those words from you? I’d have wanted to make out with you, too.”
“Also,” Jules piped up, smiling and rolling her eyes at Amelia. “You saying Robbie’s name isn’t that shocking. Poor timing, maybe. But how many men have you been with since Robbie died - two? And to have this intimate, emotionally charged moment with someone you’re so familiar with…” Jules shrugged, giving Nora a small smile. “It makes sense that you mind would make that kind of Freudian slip.”
“But I also don’t think that means anything,” said Scarlett, sipping her wine, the others nodding their agreement. “What Sade meant before, that we’re not surprised this happened - is that you two were already so close and then you lose Robbie, so it would make sense for you two to be together. If that’s what you both want.”
Now it was Nora’s turn to grimace at her friends as she resumed her pacing, sipping her drink (extra carefully this time). Their conversation was treading dangerously close to a topic Nora had locked away inside of her the second it happened. She’d sworn she would tell no one what had happened that night - but talking about it now co
uld easily explain everything that was happening between her and Kai.
“The question is, Nor,” said Sade, coming up and putting her hands on both of her shoulders. “What do you wanna do? How do you feel about Kai?”
Nora’s eyes widened. “I don’t know! I haven’t seen the guy in five years! I don’t even know him anymore.” Suddenly, her eyes were filling with tears and her chest felt like it was squeezing in on itself. “He left me! I wasn’t enough for him to stay!”
Everyone frowned at that. “What do you mean, you weren’t enough?” Jules asked softly. “Nora - what happened?”
Nora closed her eyes, trying to deepen her breathing before she started talking. This was it. She had to tell them.
Oh, God help me.
“The night before the funeral… oh my god… Kai and I…” She swallowed hard again, opening her eyes to see four very uncertain faces staring back at her, waiting. “We had a moment. We were at my house, just going over everything for the next day. And when he went to leave, we hugged and then it was like… we almost kissed or something. But we didn’t. He rushed off and then, the next day, he left. Because of that moment. Because of me.”
“That’s what it was!” said Scarlett, the idea dawning on her. “I thought there was something about the way you reacted to each other in the coffee shop the other day. Jake even mentioned it later; said you two are like magnets trying to stay apart. Totally makes sense now.” She shrugged, sipping her wine again.
“Nora, I honestly don’t think Kai leaving had anything to do with you,” Jules said, her voice kind. “He was in a lot of pain and, remember, he thought he was responsible for the accident. He wasn’t thinking straight when he left, I’m sure of it.”
“Well, I was in pain, too!” Nora cried. “He never left my side the two weeks after Robbie died. Through the entire process of setting Robbie’s affairs in order and getting his funeral put together and everything, Kai was right there. And then we that stupid moment…” Nora paused, taking a deep breath as a rush of fresh tears spilled from her eyes. “And then he fucking left. He didn’t even say goodbye. He left me a goddamn note on my kitchen table. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest - again.”
