by Marta Perry
God’s ways, Jessica had painfully learned, were not always man’s ways.
But it didn’t hurt to pray.
Nate’s face crumpled into dozens of harsh lines, but his gold-flecked eyes held hope. Jessica could see how desperately he wanted to believe her words. His short brown hair was tousled and sticking up every which direction, making him look incongruously and heart-wrenchingly vulnerable next to the muscular strength of the sturdy marine.
“In Isaiah there is a beautiful description of Jesus as the Shepherd over His little lambs,” she continued, wanting desperately to comfort Nate. “It goes like this. ‘He shall gather the lambs in His arms and carry them in His bosom,’” she quoted softly.
Nate squeezed his eyes shut and Jessica thought the rough-edged marine might be fighting tears.
“I hope so,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion. “I really hope so.”
Jessica took his hand and led him back to his chair, pushing him gently into his seat before pulling another chair up next to him and seating herself. She reached her arm over the side of the playpen and brushed the backs of her fingers against Gracie’s cheek. The baby’s skin still felt warm, but not alarmingly so. Jessica was almost certain Gracie’s fever was falling.
She sighed in relief. “I think her temperature has gone down some.”
Nate swallowed hard and nodded. A muscle twitched in the corner of his strong jaw. “The poor little thing screamed so hard when I gave her a sponge bath that she wore herself completely out. She fell asleep right afterward. I don’t mind telling you, she had me scared there for a while.”
Jessica struggled for a moment with her own memories, with the sudden way her own baby had been taken from her. Elizabeth had been healthy and happy when Jessica had put her to bed. The next morning she wasn’t breathing.
Just like that.
Jessica struggled to contain her emotions, to pull the painful memories back behind the iron wall of her will so Nate would not be able to see what she was feeling on her face.
This was a different situation. It wasn’t Elizabeth all over again. Babies got fevers. That was just how it was. And it wasn’t necessarily life-threatening. There was no reason for her to panic.
Nate and Gracie needed her strength and support right now, she reminded herself sharply. Breathing deeply, she clenched her hands together and fought for all she was worth.
Nate’s groan interrupted her turmoil thoughts, jarring her back to the present.
“I feel so helpless.” Elbows on his knees, Nate clasped his hands together and leaned his scruffy chin on them. “I just wish there was more I could do,” he admitted roughly.
“There is,” Jessica whispered, reaching for Nate’s hand. When he glanced up at her, a question in his eyes, she smiled softly. “We can pray.”
Nate stared at her for a moment, and then nodded, his jaw tight.
Jessica bowed her head and closed her eyes. “Heavenly Father, we are thankful that Gracie is in Your tender care. Watch over her and keep her safe. Lord, we ask that You restore Gracie to health and give her little body strength to work through this fever.
“And be with Nate, Lord. Give him wisdom and peace. Amen.”
Jessica looked up and caught Nate staring at her, wide-eyed. She wondered if he had prayed along with her, or merely watched her as she prayed. She felt a little self-conscious for a moment, then brushed it off.
What mattered was that she had prayed. And God was good. She prayed once again, silently, this time, that Nate would be able to see the grace of God.
Chapter 5
Instead of the peace for which Jess had petitioned, Nate was filled with an inexplicable sense of unease. Still seated in a hard-backed kitchen chair placed next to the playpen, his muscles clenched and ached.
Stifling a groan, he lifted his arms over his head and stretched from side to side, working the knots and kinks out of his shoulders. He wasn’t the kind of man to just sit around and wait, and every fiber of his being was itching to move.
He’d been sitting still far too long, watching the even rise and fall of baby Gracie’s breath as she slept. She hadn’t budged in a couple of hours. Nate didn’t know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, but he took encouragement from the fact that Jess no longer hovered over the baby.
In fact, to his surprise, Gracie wasn’t the only one sleeping.
Nate’s gaze drifted to the sofa—a two-person love seat, really, as that was all that would fit in the confines of the small cabin—where Jess had curled up and nodded off. Her face had softened during sleep, her arm curled around her neck and a lock of her wavy blond hair lightly brushing her cheek.
His brow furrowed when he noticed her lips turning down, as if she were having a bad dream. In the short time Nate had known her, Jess was nearly always smiling. Her radiant grin was the first thing he’d noticed about her, and it bothered him that somehow she’d lost her peace during sleep.
His fingers tingled with the unfathomable urge to brush that lock of hair off her cheek and smooth the frown from her lips.
Nate had told her it was fine for her to leave, now that the crisis with Gracie appeared to have passed, but Jess wouldn’t hear of it. Her chin, which gave the point to her heart-shaped face, had jutted out stubbornly at the mere suggestion.
She was the sweetest, kindest woman he’d ever had the pleasure to know; yet it occurred to him that he might like her to have his back in a fight. Her strength of character, which Nate thought made her faith so vibrant, was remarkable.
And, at the moment, much appreciated.
Secretly, Nate had been glad of her stubborn insistence that she stay, though he’d never admit it out loud. Gracie might be out of immediate danger, but her temperature had spiked very quickly before. He didn’t want to go through that kind of a scare again.
Ever.
Not alone, at least. With Jess here, circumstances didn’t feel quite so black.
He knew he should be taking the lead from Jess and rest while the baby was sleeping, but try as he might, he couldn’t shut off his brain. Usually he exercised his way to exhaustion, but that was impossible given the circumstances.
What he wouldn’t give for a nice, long, head-clearing run. It sure would beat sitting here over-thinking everything.
But he wasn’t about to leave Gracie’s side, not for the hour or more it would take him to get in a good workout. All the same, he found he could no longer sit quietly with his thoughts. Maybe a breath of the fresh, cold mountain air would calm his heart, if not clear his head.
He stood quietly, smiled down at Gracie for a moment, and then tossed a blanket over Jess’s shoulders. He let himself out the front door, careful not to let the screen door slam on his way out.
With a sigh, he jammed his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and took a cleansing breath of the crisp air. He stepped into the darkness, away from the soft stream of light streaming from the front window of his cabin. The gravel crunched under the soles of his sneakers.
Why was he so uneasy? For sure, part of it was Gracie’s illness, but that wasn’t all of what was making his gut clench.
“I love that baby girl,” he said aloud, his breath frosting in the air. “I’d do anything for her.”
Nate scrubbed his fingers into the short ends of his hair as he stopped under the shadow of a pine and looked up at the stars. He’d forgotten how full the night sky appeared here at the lodge.
Whom, he wondered, did he think he was addressing with his rambling thoughts?
God?
That smacked of hypocrisy. He’d never been a praying man.
Not until today, anyway.
Not until Jess had taken his hand and spoken to God so simply and expectantly on his and Gracie’s behalf. She had voiced petitions Nate couldn’t have even begun to put into words.
But
he’d been thinking about it, hadn’t he?
Or maybe more accurately, he’d been feeling it. He might not ever have considered praying aloud, but that hadn’t stopped him from hoping there was a God watching down on Gracie in His mercy.
And God had answered. Hadn’t He?
In Nate’s initial rush of panic over Gracie’s high fever, God had sent Jess. Or rather, she’d come when Nate had called her, but from where he was standing, that was the same thing. And now it appeared Gracie was going to be fine.
Maybe she had never been in any real danger, he supposed. Be that as it may—her fever was down, and she looked to be over the worst of it.
Thank God.
But thanking God didn’t seem to be enough. Not to Nate. If he was going to acknowledge God, he ought to be serving God. It only made sense, and Nate was nothing if not pragmatic.
“I’ll do it,” he said aloud into the darkness, adding a clipped nod for good measure.
“Do what?” asked a sleepy-voiced Jess, stepping from the shadows.
Startled, Nate’s heart hammered in his chest as he turned to the sound of her voice.
“I thought you were sleeping.”
Her hair was mussed from napping, which, Nate thought, was somehow endearing. She had wrapped herself in the blanket he’d covered her with earlier, and he could see her breath on the crisp air.
She arched her eyebrow and pursed her lips, acknowledging that she was completely aware he’d just deliberately dodged her question.
With an unexpected wave of amusement, he realized he was out in the cold weather with nothing heavier than a T-shirt and jeans, and was pacing around speaking out loud to himself.
He must look like a real nutcase.
He felt mirth bubbling up in his throat, and for the first time since the night Ezra had died, he felt the tremendous, ominous weight in his chest lighten and dissipate.
He threw back his head and laughed.
* * *
When Nate laughed, his entire countenance changed.
The night was dark, with only a sliver of a moon, but Jessica was close enough to see the feathering of laugh lines around his gleaming golden eyes and the indentation of the adorable little dimple that suddenly appeared in his left cheek.
It was the first time Jessica had seen Nate laugh, and her heart turned right over, even as an answering smile drew the sides of her lips upward.
“You should do that more often,” she murmured, stepping closer.
“Do what?” he asked, punctuating his question with another chuckle. “Talk to myself?”
“Laugh,” she answered, giggling. “It looks good on you.”
“Like a crazy man?”
It occurred to her that Nate was acting a little out of the ordinary. It wasn’t so much that he was talking to himself—she’d been guilty of an occasional soliloquy when she was the only one in the room—but rather the fact that he was outside in a short-sleeved shirt in weather cold enough to frost his breath.
The thought made her shiver, and she pulled the woolen blanket more closely around her shoulders. Warmth immediately washed over her, and it wasn’t just from the blanket. She hadn’t covered herself with a blanket when she’d dropped off to sleep on the sofa.
She hadn’t meant to sleep at all.
Yet she had.
And sometime after that, Nate had thought to pull a blanket around her.
It had been a long time since anyone had done anything to care for her. She prided herself on her newfound independence, but Nate’s thoughtfulness warmed her nonetheless.
“Are you cold?” Nate asked solicitously.
“A little,” she admitted. “But not nearly as cold as you must be.”
He looked down at his bare arms as if just now realizing he was without a coat, and then he threw back his head and laughed again.
Jessica took a step back. Maybe the man was off his rocker.
“Not crazy,” he assured her as he turned her by the shoulders and pressed her back toward the warmth of the cabin. “Just punchy, I guess. You’d think I’d be used to sleep deprivation after ten years in the marines, but that doesn’t hold a candle next to this—caring for an infant 24/7.”
A sudden wave of sadness gripped Jessica’s heart, but she pushed it away and forced herself to smile up at the gruff marine who was now holding the cabin door open for her.
“No? Go figure.”
Nate followed her inside, shaking his head emphatically as he went.
“Not even close. Frankly, I don’t know how parents do it.”
Jessica leaned over the playpen to check on Gracie. The baby was awake and had rolled onto her back, staring up at Jessica with her enormous brown eyes and sucking steadily on her thumb.
Jessica smiled down at Gracie, reaching for her just as the baby crinkled up her face and started to wail.
“That’s easy,” she told Nate as she tucked baby Gracie to her shoulder and patted her back. “It’s love. Pure and simple.”
His smile never leaving his face, Nate stepped forward and kissed Gracie’s cheek. His crisp, musky scent followed his movement, and Jessica couldn’t help but inhale deeply, her head reeling.
“And who wouldn’t lose their heart to little chubby cheeks like these?” he asked softly.
Gracie reached for Nate, and Jessica handed the baby off to him, her heart skipping a beat at the sheer delight radiating from Nate’s eyes.
“She feels cool,” he said, rubbing his cheek against Gracie’s. “I think her fever must have broken.”
Jessica placed the backs of her fingers against Gracie’s forehead and then nodded in agreement. “She’s definitely doing better. Why don’t you check her temperature with the thermometer and I’ll see if I can’t rustle her up a bottle.”
Nate nodded and took a seat in the rocking chair, propping Gracie on his lap.
“The formula is in the cabinet over the sink, and there’s bottled water in the fridge.”
Nate already had the thermometer under Gracie’s arm and the baby was protesting loudly, so Jessica moved to the kitchen, finding all the equipment just where Nate had indicated. She went to work, quickly mixing the formula in a clean bottle she took from the strainer.
She felt oddly at home puttering around in Nate’s kitchen, knowing he and Gracie were waiting for her just around the corner. She surprised herself sometimes. At times painfully shy, she usually had to forcefully put herself out there, but with Nate and Gracie, she felt natural.
Comfortable.
And that thought in itself was enough to make Jessica’s emotions immediately swing to the polar opposite, until her nerves were stinging with the urge to flee.
She could not afford to get too comfortable with Nate.
He was leaving.
Soon.
He’d said as much, earlier that day. He was only here to see his sick father.
And then...
And then nothing.
There was absolutely no sense dwelling on the inevitable.
With a sigh, she placed the bottle in the small microwave on the counter and punched the start button, warming the milk for a few seconds.
Nate had called her when Gracie became ill. But then again, she was the resident child-care expert. And even if there was something more to it than that, there couldn’t be more to it than that.
Jessica knew she had to have a care after her own heart. She wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship with a man, especially a man with a baby. She wasn’t sure she ever would be.
And how foolish was it to even be considering any of this? There was a baby in the next room howling for her bottle.
“That’s a good sign,” Jessica commented as she entered the living room and handed Nate the bottle. “Her fussing, I mean. It shows she’s feeling better.”
&nb
sp; Nate chuckled as Gracie rooted for the bottle. “If you say so.”
Jessica slid onto the sofa, tucking her legs underneath her. “I do. Gracie obviously caught a touch of something, but I think the worst is behind her.”
“Thanks to you.”
Jessica shook her head. “You know I can’t take the credit. The glory belongs to God.”
To her surprise, Nate nodded his agreement.
She smiled. “But I’m glad I could be here for you and Gracie.”
“Not as glad as I am.”
“Which does raise a question,” she continued, knowing she was headed into deep water but unable to stop herself from asking.
“Go ahead,” he encouraged when she didn’t jump right in with her question. “It’s okay.”
“If it’s none of my business, just tell me it’s none of my business.”
Nate’s jaw tightened almost imperceptibly, but he nodded for her to continue.
“Why didn’t you call Vince today?”
The muscles in Nate’s neck strained as he swallowed hard and his jaw was equally tight. He didn’t immediately answer.
“I’ve known Vince for almost a year now,” she explained. “I think he would have wanted to be there to support you and Gracie.”
Nate scowled.
“I know he would,” she amended hastily.
“No,” he snapped, then shook his head, inhaled and exhaled harshly. “I’ve had the unfortunate experience of being around Vince a lot longer than you have. Trust me. I know him. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’d hoped things would change when I came back home, but they didn’t.”
“But Gracie...”
“I’m not saying Vince has anything against Gracie. It’s me he doesn’t like. There’s a lot of bad blood between the two of us.”
Jessica didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t imagine her employer being painted with the large, harsh strokes Nate was using, but she knew that to Nate at least, that was how Vince appeared.
“I’m sorry,” she said, resting her hand on his forearm. “I shouldn’t have brought up the subject. I can see it’s touchy.”
