by Marta Perry
“SIDS.” She shook her head. “It was the beginning of the end for me. Or at least that was how it felt at the time.”
Nate pulled her closer, feeling that, if he let her go, she would simply disappear.
“I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.”
“And I can’t even begin to describe it.” She stared off into the distance, somewhere over Nate’s left shoulder. “It was as if my grief for Elizabeth sucked the life right out of my body. I went through the motions of eating and sleeping, but my mind had retreated to somewhere deep inside me, somewhere where my sweet baby girl still lived. There was a big, black pit in my stomach. I kept waiting for it to grow smaller, but it never did.”
Nate tenderly brushed a wisp of hair from her forehead. “That must have been awful.”
His sympathy must have touched her heart, for tears sprang to her eyes and she quickly wiped them away.
“I still grieve for Elizabeth. Every single day. I miss her so much. But life keeps happening whether you are ready for it or not.”
Nate knew the feeling. Ezra’s death had been really hard on him, and Ezra was just a friend. If it hadn’t been for the fact that he had Gracie to care for...
The baby, he realized, had been his lifeline during one of the toughest times in his life.
“How long has it been?” he asked gently and tentatively.
She sniffled. “Elizabeth would be nearly three years old now.”
No amount of time would really be enough, Nate thought. Not ever. And her wounds were obviously still fresh—too fresh to talk about. At all.
How, he wondered, had he missed this deep of a dynamic in her life when he’d spent so much time with her?
Was he blind?
“And your husband?” he asked as an afterthought. “What happened to him?”
Jess looked away from him. “Russ didn’t deal with his grief in the same way I did. I know I wasn’t looking at things rationally at the time, but I just couldn’t understand the way he wanted to throw himself back into normal life.”
“He did that?” Anger at a man he’d never met surged through him. Jessica deserved strength and support from the man who’d vowed to cherish her, not rejection and abandonment.
“I’ve had a lot of time to contemplate what happened. I know now that he was grieving, just in a different way than me. But at the time it felt like he was in denial, that he had betrayed Elizabeth’s memory. I thought he didn’t even care that Elizabeth’s life had been snuffed out so prematurely.”
“I’m so sorry,” Nate said again. He knew he was repeating himself, but he didn’t know what else to say. He wished with all his heart he was better with words, that he could think of something to say that would bring her real comfort.
But of course he couldn’t, so he simply continued to hold her while she sobbed, gently brushing away her tears with the pad of his thumb.
“Russ tried to find me in the dark space into which I’d retreated. He really did. But I was inconsolable, and he needed someone to be there for him, too.
“That person wasn’t me. Couldn’t be me. And so he left.”
“He left you?” Nate’s voice rose in pitch with every word. He tried and failed to contain the sudden surge of righteous indignation he felt toward Jess’s ex-husband on her behalf.
What kind of a man would leave his wife when she had just lost a child?
“He needed someone,” she explained matter-of-factly. “And I wasn’t there for him. He found someone else who was.”
Nate clenched his jaw. “I still don’t understand how he could—”
Jess cut him off. “We were divorced by then. She got pregnant. Russ married her. Maybe out of a sense of obligation. Maybe because he fell in love with her.”
Honor? That man didn’t know the meaning of the word, Nate thought fiercely. An honorable man didn’t abandon the woman he’d married when the going got tough. That wasn’t love. “Of all the inconsiderate, stupid, selfish—”
She cut him off again, this time with a wave of her hand. “It’s the past, Nate. I’ve set aside my anger toward him. In a way, I kind of understand why he did what he did.”
“He had no right to hurt you that way. Not when you were already suffering. If he were here now, I’d give him a piece of my mind.” And my fist, he added mentally, fuming so strongly he thought he must be having smoke come out of his ears.
“I’m over it,” she snapped, her composure breaking as she broke into a new round of sobs.
No, she wasn’t.
Nate couldn’t see how. No wonder she’d balked at the thought of a new relationship. She must have trust issues a mile long. And rightly so.
If he could stand before Russ Sabin right now, he’d throttle the man. He’d teach him a lesson he would never forget.
But then, he realized suddenly, if Russ had responded as a real man ought to have, nurturing and protecting the woman he’d sworn to love for better or for worse, Jess wouldn’t be here now with Nate.
There was a part of him that was selfishly thankful Russ had turned Jess away, though he felt guilty for having such feelings.
If Jess was his wife, he would cherish and protect her with his last breath. It was the same flare of masculine emotion he felt for Gracie; yet at the same time, what he felt for Jess was completely different.
At that moment, Gracie wailed, kicking at Nate’s back with her amazingly strong little legs and fisting her hands into his hair.
“Ow!” he exclaimed when she gave an exceptionally hard yank. “Take it easy, little one.”
He reached behind him to untangle the baby’s fingers, wondering how she had gotten such a firm grip in his inch-long hair. It must really be getting shaggy.
“Okay, sweetheart. That’s enough of that, thank you very much.”
To Nate’s surprise—and relief—Jess laughed. “I think she’s trying to tell you she’s tired of being in the backpack.”
“Or maybe that I need a haircut,” he suggested with a grin, shuffling the backpack off his shoulders. Jess leaned in to help shuck it off, and soon baby Gracie was wiggling on Jess’s lap.
He didn’t consciously decide to slide his arm around her shoulders. It was as natural a move as the breath he took, and completely in line with the cacophony of his feelings for her.
“I don’t know how you did it. I don’t think I could have. And then you went to work as a day care director,” he mused softly, running a palm over the baby’s soft, smooth curls.
“Not that you aren’t the best at what you do,” he hastened to add, squeezing her shoulder. “But I’d imagine that would have been hard for you to work with children, given the circumstances.”
“It was. And it wasn’t. I’ve been working in day care since I graduated from college, and there was nothing else I’ve ever wanted to do, career-wise.”
She paused, her gaze distant. “It was tough to go back. I have my good moments and my bad moments, but all in all, it’s been kind of therapeutic for me to continue working with children. It’s my passion and my ministry. I can’t really imagine doing anything else with my life. And Morningway Lodge has been good to me. I’ve found peace here.”
“I’m thankful you were here when I arrived,” Nate said earnestly. “I know I would have been at a complete loss with Gracie if you hadn’t been here to help us.”
Jess nodded and kissed Gracie’s forehead, laughing when the baby squirmed in protest. “Gracie is extraspecial. In many ways she reminds me of Elizabeth, but always in a good way. Maybe that’s why I feel so unusually attached to her, as I have from the very first moment I laid my eyes on her that first day you came to the lodge.”
Nate could see the strain on her face as she spoke. None of this had been easy on her, and he realized he had inadvertently bounded into her life and played a part in causing her pain.
>
“I’m sorry,” he said aloud.
Jess smiled tenuously. “So am I. But God was faithful even when people weren’t. When I was in the blackest part of my grief, God reached out to me and pulled me through it, put me back on my feet again. Don’t get me wrong. I still struggle. I still worry.” Her eyes took on a luminous quality as they met his gaze and held.
A burning lump of emotion lodged in Nate’s throat and, for a moment, he could not speak. He stared at her, his heart full of longing.
“You really believe that, don’t you? In spite of everything you’ve been through, your faith in God is strong.”
He couldn’t relate. He’d persistently turned away from God, using every bad thing that happened in his life, every worldly tragedy he saw, as an excuse to go his own way. And yet the sum total of all of that was nothing in comparison to the personal agony Jess had gone through.
Jess shook her head. “No, that’s not quite right, I don’t think.”
“What?”
“Not in spite of everything I’ve been through. Because of what I’ve been through, my faith is strong,” she amended thoughtfully. “But it wasn’t until I looked back on my life that I could see how God had carried me through the dark times, even when I cast the blame for my circumstances squarely at His feet. It’s a long road. It took me a long time to accept that God loved me unconditionally, no strings attached, but when I finally did, He gave me the courage to go on.”
Nate envied her that courage. He had faced IEDs threatening to blow up in his face with less fear than he had about facing his Maker.
He shook his head. “I don’t know, Jess. You’re a stronger person than me.”
Her gaze widened. “Why, Nathan Morningway, I think that is the most foolish thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth,” she teased.
“Well, it’s true.”
“No, Nate. It isn’t,” she replied softly. “All of us are weak. It’s only when we realize our limitations that God can reach us with His strength.”
Nate felt a sense of panic surge through him and he didn’t know why.
She reached out a hand and laid it on his forearm. “Stop running,” she encouraged him. “In our weakness, He is made strong.”
Chapter 13
Jessica didn’t know what to expect after she and Nate talked, so she was more than a little surprised when Nate showed up bright and early Sunday morning, offering her a ride to church.
Relieved and surprised.
She’d never known a man like Nate Morningway. Even yesterday, as the words had burst out of her mouth that wiped her past clean, she knew Nate would never judge her for it.
She trusted him. She cared for him. And heaven help her, she was starting to see a future with him and that darling baby girl he now called his own.
The notion of offering herself up to any kind of relationship, any form of commitment, still frightened the socks off her.
But Nate himself, not so much.
She felt a lot of things for Nate, but not fear. As she’d learned the hard way, no one was completely faithful and unchanging, except for God. But Nate, she knew, would always do his best not to let her down.
As she would him.
While Nate’s presence at church Sunday morning was a surprise in itself, his introspective attitude was even more confounding. Usually boisterous and outgoing, Nate had acted peculiarly quiet and thoughtful after the service and all during the drive home.
She’d remembered catching his gaze several times during the service. She thought he looked as if he was wrestling with something inside himself, and by the time they’d reached the car and Nate had yet to say a word, she was sure of it.
She hoped he might reveal to her what it was he was thinking so seriously about, but he continued to be silent, and she didn’t ask. He was polite, but distant, and Jessica began to doubt herself and her earlier assurance that everything was working out between them.
What if Nate couldn’t handle all the information she’d piled on him? What if it was too much?
Over and over she thought about asking him outright what was bothering him, but she wasn’t sure she really wanted to hear the answer.
“Do you want to stay for lunch?” she asked him when he pulled the Jeep up in front of her cabin. “Nothing fancy, but I have some cold cuts for sandwiches.”
Nate looked at her for a long time, almost as if she had spoken to him in a foreign language and he hadn’t understood what she was saying to him.
What’s wrong? she wanted to scream.
But of course, she didn’t. She just sat frozen in her seat, staring back at him and wringing her hands together in her lap.
She wasn’t even consciously aware of her stressed movement, but Nate clearly noticed. He leaned across the seat and laid his large hand over both of hers, stilling them.
“Maybe another time,” he said gruffly, and tried to smile.
She thought her own answering grin wasn’t any more convincing.
Again, Nate noticed. He brushed the rough pad of his thumb across her cheek, then pushed the corner of her mouth upward.
“It’s going to be fine, beautiful Jess,” he murmured. “It will all be okay.”
Jessica wasn’t sure of that. She wasn’t even certain to what Nate might be referring. But she shrugged and nodded anyway.
“I know.”
He smiled again, this time soft and genuine. “Tomorrow, then?”
She started to nod again, and then cocked her head to one side. “What’s tomorrow?”
“You’re going with me to tell Vince about the permit.” He paused and screwed his lips into a wry pout. “You will go with me to tell Vince about the permit, won’t you, honey?”
How could she resist him when he looked at her that way, his golden eyes glowing with warmth?
“Yes,” she replied, knowing that was the only answer Nate would accept, and the only answer she wanted to give. “Yes, of course.”
* * *
Nate couldn’t seem to brush off the uneasy feeling that was hovering over him like a little black rain cloud. He tried to tell himself it was just that he had to confront his brother—again—with who knew what kind of a result waiting for him.
But that wasn’t it.
Ever since Jess had told him the story of her past, he had been haunted by her words.
Because of what I’ve been through, my faith is strong.
And it was. With all the horrible tragedy the woman had experienced, she was a walking, breathing testament to God’s existence and love.
Nate still didn’t understand how that could be. He’d thought about it day and night. He’d gone to church and felt like the worst of all hypocrites, his own unbelief pointing its finger at him in accusation.
He’d thought maybe if he gave himself some time, he could sort it all out in his mind. He’d excused himself from having lunch with Jess, knowing she would see right through any kind of facade he hoped to establish. And then he’d spent a restless night tossing and turning, despite the fact that Gracie had peaceably slept the whole night through.
He was no closer to an answer now than he’d been twenty-four hours earlier, though he was a good deal more weary. And Jess was no doubt waiting for him to pick her up this morning so they could go tell Vince the good news about the permit.
Jess. He ought to be focusing on her.
Now that he knew the whole story of her past, he understood the oddity of her hot-and-cold moments. He got why she unconsciously sent him mixed signals.
And he knew, now more than ever, that he wanted—needed—to be the man in her future, the one who didn’t leave her when the going got tough.
Gracie needed her as well—to be the soft, feminine influence every little girl needed in her life. Jess offered Gracie something he never could give.
Bu
t Nate knew that in order to have the chance to be those things to Jess, he needed to speak the words that lingered quietly in his heart. It wasn’t going to be enough just to show her. She needed to hear the sentiment from his own lips.
As always, he broke into a sweat just thinking about trying to put his emotions into words. What could he say that Jess would believe?
He was still pondering the dilemma when he picked Jess up from her cabin and they dropped Gracie off at the day care center.
Not surprisingly, Jess was acting a little withdrawn this morning. He couldn’t blame her. In this instance, he had been the one who’d been sending mixed signals, and he knew it.
“Well, I guess it’s now or never,” he commented as he pulled the Jeep in front of the main lodge, breaking into the uncomfortable silence that had hovered over them for the entire ride over from the day care.
She stared at him for a moment, then smiled shakily. “Are you ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he replied with a clipped nod. “Let’s do it.”
Nate took her hand as they entered the lodge and walked up to the guest services counter. He half expected her to pull away, and was glad when she didn’t. He needed her support more than she could possibly realize.
He rang the bell on the desk and waited, his muscles tensing as if ready to spring into a quick getaway.
His marine training, he thought. Anticipating disaster was second nature to him now, and from where he stood, he felt as if he was facing a minefield.
The sensation increased when Vince came out of the office, his expression going from polite reserve to anger the moment he saw that it was Nate standing on the other side of the desk.
“What do you want?” Vince snapped without preamble, his brow lowering over his eyes.
“We’re here with good news,” Jess exclaimed, giving Nate’s hand a tug, as if to remind him it was time for him to step up and take control of the conversation.
“Yeah? And what would that be?” Vince asked, crossing his arms over his chest in a combination of a protective and distancing manner.
