by Nique Luarks
“Thank you. This is well needed.”
“Since she has all of her credits to graduate, they’ve approved her work-study.”
Sitting her purse on the counter, Piper took a seat. “Smart young lady.”
“Very,” I beamed. Erica wasn’t blood, but I was proud of the woman she was becoming; her and Rome.
“Can I ask you a question?” Piper removed her jacket and placed it on the chair behind her.
“Of course.” I started making an espresso shot for myself. I knew I shouldn’t, but I needed a little extra boost.
Piper blew on her coffee before asking, “Are you married?”
I chuckled. “Nope.”
“Really?” she asked in disbelief.
I nodded.
“That’s crazy. You’re educated, pretty, have your own businesses…” She looked baffled. “I don’t get it. It has to be by choice.”
I giggled. “I haven’t found that one. Or better yet, he hasn’t found me.” My mind went to True. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in almost two weeks. I missed him…I missed us.
“Wow.” Piper shook her head.
“Love will find me… you too,” I smiled. “We just have to be patient and trust that God got us.” Shrugging, I leaned onto the counter.
We sat silent after that. Piper sipped from her cup, and I drank my espresso. Here I was, pregnant by a man who couldn’t care less. My first doctor appointment was on Monday, and I hadn’t even told him yet. I planned to, I just wasn’t in a rush to talk to True.
A part of me, the selfish part, hoped that my late notice would make him not want to come. Sadly, the anger in my heart for True wouldn’t seem to defuse, no matter how much I prayed or meditated. My mom said it was because we had unfinished issues to talk about. She was probably right, but I was too stubborn to even sit down and listen to anything he had to say. I could no longer trust him, and that realization was too much to bear.
“You okay?” Piper asked, making me glance in her direction.
With blurry vision, I nodded. “I’m fine.” I went to make another espresso, but then stopped when my stomach felt queasy. “I’ll be in my office if you need me.” Stepping around the counter, I headed to the back.
8165468321: This is Quindelle. Chasity needs her hair braided.
I stared at the message, unmoved. I loved Chasity to death, but I wasn’t her mother. Quindelle knew Morgan would do Chasity’s hair for free. I’d told her that time and time again. Me refusing to be at True’s disposable meant I had to pull away from my babies as well.
It hurt, a lot, but it needed to be done.
Me: I’ll call Morgan and let her know to be expecting you guys.
I pressed send, then closed my eyes. Warm tears managed to escape from my eyes and travel down my cheeks. I missed Chase and Chasity something awful. Keeping up with them through Ava, and occasionally Love, wasn’t good enough. I missed girl days with my Chassy pooh, missed those long talks with Chase when we talked about anything.
Having to ignore their texts and phone calls broke my heart. I didn’t want them to hate me, but I was still in the beginning stages of mending what their father had broken. Chasity’s goofy smile was too much like True’s. And Chase’s eyes were the same color and depth, even though he was just a kid. From their skin complexions to their personalities, they were almost exact replicas of my best friend.
8165468321: You serious?
Me: Yes. I’m calling Morgan now.
Going to Morg’s contact information, I called and waited for her to answer. I then wiped my face and grabbed a Kleenex.
I’ve gotta let him go…
But how?
True
“Daddy, can you call Chance for me?” Chasity asked from the passenger seat. “I think something is wrong wit’ her phone.”
Pulling up to a stop light, I looked over at her. “Chance is busy.”
“I know,” she said with an attitude. “She gotta open her new store. Can we go see it?” Chasity busied herself with her phone. “I know it’s cute.”
“You mean it’s dope,” Chase said from the backseat.
I chuckled.
She spun around to look at him. “I said what I said…”
This girl…
“Dad, we going to Channy’s shop?” Chase asked. “I need to tell her something.”
I frowned. “Tell me.”
The car went silent for a few seconds, and then…
“I can’t. I only told Channy.”
The light turned green.
“Y’all probably won’t be seeing Chance for a while.” I checked my rearview mirror.
“Why not? Because she’s having a baby?”
My eyes shot to Chasity. “Who told you that?”
“She was talking to Nana Sonia when I was in the bathroom. Chance was crying, and Nana Sonia told her, ‘Let it work itself out’.” Chasity turned in her seat to face me. “Chase said Chance is still gon’ love us, though, because we her kids, too.”
I rubbed my chin.
“I hope she has a boy,” Chase sighed. “I don’t want a sister.”
“I do,” Chasity cheesed. “We gon’ get our nails done with Chance all the time,” she stated knowingly.
“What you want her to have, Dad?” Chase asked.
“A girl…”
Chase sucked his teeth. “Noooo.”
Chasity giggled. “Yep. A girl. And she gon’ have her hair and stuff just like mine.”
To be honest, I wanted Nisha to have a boy and Chance to have a girl. Chance could teach my daughter something important most women in my life couldn’t: how to be a lady. I trusted her with a boy, but she had a softness to her that most little girls didn’t get to experience. I’d witnessed firsthand the impact she had on Chasity.
“It’s gon’ be a boy anyway,” Chase laughed. “Channy don’t like girls.”
Chasity spun back around in her seat to look at him. “That’s not true. Channy likes me.”
“No, she don’t.” He laughed harder.
“Daddy…” she pouted. “Tell Chase to shut his ugly self up.”
I only shook my head. Chase was always fucking with her, and she was always calling him ugly. Now that I was used to it, I let them handle that on their own unless Chasity started crying. My phone pinged as I made a turn. Grabbing it, I saw it was a text from Nisha.
BM3: Dr. appt Monday.
I sucked my teeth just as another text came through.
Jelly: We have a Dr. appointment Monday at 10am. Will you be able to make it?
I coasted through traffic, shaking my head at my luck. Why the fuck would they both wait until the last minute to tell me? It was like they were purposely trying to piss me off. The next few months of my life were guaranteed to stress a nigga. I went back to Nisha’s message.
Me: What time?
I then went to Chance’s thread.
Me: Yea, send me the location.
BM3: 3pm. I swear to God I will key your truck if you don’t come.
“Daddy, I’m hungry.” Chasity grabbed my second phone to change the music. “I want some pizza and wings.”
“Me too,” Chase co-signed. “And after that, we can go get ice cream.”
“A’ight.” I switched lanes.
Jelly: Okay great. Please come ten minutes early.
Since Chance seemed to have the most sense, I texted her back first.
Me: Ok.
♫ “How long should I stay dedicated…
How long till opportunity meet preparation…?
I need some real nigga reparation,
’fore I run up in yo’ bank just for recreation” ♫
I looked over at Chasity, who bobbed her head to Nipsey Hussle’s “Dedication” joint. I then glanced in my rearview at Chase, who was rapping along, word from word. I turned the volume down a little, chuckling.
“What you know about that, Wookie?”
“She just wanna be like Chance.” Chase contin
ued bobbing his head.
“Ah, yeah? Chance played this for you?” I grabbed my double Styrofoam cup from the cup holder. I was only sipping D’usse today since I had my young life with me. I didn’t want to be too sluggish around them. They were both at that age, and smart enough to know when Daddy wasn’t being himself. Gone off lean, most times, I didn’t want to be bothered, and time spent with them was important to me.
“Yep,” they answered together.
I licked my lips and ran my palm down my mouth. Even when I tried to push Chance to the back of my head, she always seemed to end up being the main focus. Turning the volume back up, I took another drink from my cup.
Lying across my bed, I looked up at the ceiling. My spirit was low. Smiles were forced. A nigga couldn’t even eat. No matter how much lean I sipped, or how many blunts I smoked, I couldn’t shake this feeling.
I knew exactly what was wrong, though. I missed my best friend. These two weeks without her weren’t something I was ready to get used to. Granny Ann told me I should call her, and Love was convinced I needed to buy her a gift to get back on her good side, but that wasn’t the case this time.
Chance didn’t want shit to do with me. She had made that perfectly clear when she walked out of my house that day. The hardest part was accepting she was cool on the kid. Unlike my other baby mamas, she didn’t need me. Not for dick or money.
Nisha called me every other day, begging and complaining about her stupid-ass food cravings. Quindelle did pop-ups in the hood three days in a row last week just to show her ass and get choked out over five hundred dollars. I had to bail Jaliyah out of jail for riding in a stolen whip on Friday. It was a sad realization that my baby mamas were a reflection of me, and the only one with some fucking sense wasn’t fucking with me.
Closing my eyes, I shook my head.
“Daddy!” Chasity ran into my room, laughing. “Can you tell Chase to stop tryna run me over with his chair?” She giggled harder, jumping into my bed.
“Where yo’ crutches at, li’l nigga?”
Chase laughed. “In my room.”
“What I tell you?”
Jaliyah wanted Chase to use his chair until he healed all the way, but he was cool enough to get around on his crutches when we were at the crib, chilling. His wrist was in a cast, but he still managed to throw punches back and forth with my nephew, Rajon, whenever they were together.
“No pain, no gain,” he mumbled.
I nodded. “Go get them crutches for an hour.”
He had enough energy to terrorize and fight, so he could put that same energy into getting stronger.
Chasity laughed. “I’ma trip you, too.”
“Then I’ma drop you, sucka. Dad, can you call Uncle Roman and see if Rajon can come over?”
See?
When those little niggas got together, they reminded me of when Ro and I when were young niggas. Always roughhousing, arguing, cracking jokes, and fucking shit up. Rajon was younger, but Chase looked out for him like they were best friends.
“Yeah…” I grabbed my phone off my chest. “Go do what I said.”
“Daddy…” Chasity leaned onto me. “Can you call Chance for me? I need to see when we getting our nails painted.”
“Chassy…”
“Daddy, please?” she pouted, and I opened my eyes to look at her.
Shaking my head, I pulled up Chance’s shop number. Pressing send, I put the call on speaker and held my breath as I waited for somebody to answer.
“Chance’s Truth, this is Erica…”
I handed the phone to Chasity.
“Hi, Erica. This Chasity,” she smiled.
“Oh, hi, Chassy, you wanna talk to Chance?”
“Yes, please,” my daughter beamed excitedly.
“Hol’ up…”
Chasity hopped off my bed and paced the floor anxiously. Just when I thought Chance had played my baby, she hopped on the line.
“Chassy?”
“Hi, Chance!”
“Hi, baby. Is everything okay?” Chance sounded concerned.
“Yes. I miss you, Chance.” Chasity’s face dropped. “I called and texted you. Don’t you like me anymore?”
“Of course, I like you. I love you.”
Chasity wiped the tears from her cheeks.
“I think about you and Chase all day and night, but I have to stay away for a little bit, okay?”
Chasity nodded. “Can we still get our nails done?”
The line went silent.
“Chassy, where’s your dad?”
Her eyes bounced to me. “Right here, he’s sleepy.”
“Can he hear me?”
“Yeah…” I sat up straight.
“True, do what I told you to do.”
I frowned.
“Chasity…”
“Yes.”
“We’ll get our nails done soon, okay?”
“Kay…”
“I love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Talk to you later…” Chance sniffled.
“Okay, bye, Chance.”
“Bye, baby… Kisses...”
Chasity grinned, showcasing her missing tooth. “Kisses…”
3
When it hurts so bad…
Chance
I was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office when True walked in. He swaggered coolly in my direction, on the phone, looking mean as usual. When he took a seat next to me, nervous goosebumps spread down my arms and an icy chill shot through my chest. He smelled so good…looked even better. I casually looked over at him and smiled.
“Good morning.”
“Morning.” He nodded before giving his attention back to his caller. “Nah… I probably won’t be through until later on tonight.”
“True, can you end your call?” I glanced at him again. “Can you at least act interested in being here?” Frowning, I continued filling out the paperwork.
“Tone, let me hit you back, bro.” He paused. “Yeah…”
I sighed before grabbing my bottled water. “Thank you.”
“The fuck you got an attitude for?” True leaned back in his seat. He kicked his leg out and crossed his arms, waiting for my answer.
“I don’t have an attitude.” I screwed the cap back on. “It’s just that I would appreciate it if you focused on this. It won’t take long.” Putting the bottle on the floor, I rolled my eyes.
True’s presence was irritating me.
“I’m here, ain’t I?”
“Then be here,” I snapped.
“You trippin’.”
Maybe I was. We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in a while, and even though I was very much still in love with him, True was on my shit list. I continued with the paperwork, and when my phone sounded, I sighed. Going into my purse, I retrieved my iPhone, only to see it was an incoming call from Haze. Massaging my forehead, I pressed ignore.
True sucked his teeth.
After finishing off the rest of my signatures, I stood up to give the clipboard back to the receptionist. Finding my seat again, I crossed my arms. “Did you talk to Chase and Chasity?”
True shrugged. “About what?” He chewed on the gum in his mouth nonchalantly.
“About why I’ve been distant.” I licked my lips. “When she called me the other day, I got emotional, True.” Hearing the sadness in Chasity’s voice broke me. She was used to talking to me every day; seeing me at least three times a week. This separation was taking a toll on my Chassy pooh.
“Then answer the phone when she calls,” he shot back coldly. “You mad at me, so you gon’ take it out on your godkids?”
“True…” I chuckled. “Just shut up.” True was advanced enough to know that was not why I’d distanced myself. He was being ignorant.
“You shut up,” he mumbled, fixing the cuff in his jeans around his Jordan’s. “Rude ass.”
“I’m only rude because that’s the only language you seem to understand. Being nice to you is
like talking to a brick wall.”
True shook his head.
“Chance Robins?” A nurse stood in the doorway, smiling. “We’re ready for you.”
Grabbing my purse and water, I stood up. True followed close behind as we headed to the back.
An hour and a half later…
“Thank you for coming.” True held my door open as I got comfortable in my seat. “Do you need me to put the next appointment in your calendar, so you don’t forget?” I put my keys in the ignition and started my Jeep.
“Nah...” He shook his head. “Just text me a couple days before.”
“Okay.” Hooking my phone up to the charger, I sighed. When I noticed True hadn’t shut my door yet, I looked up at him. He stared back down at me with a faraway gaze in his dark orbs. “What?”
Licking his lips, True’s head swayed. “Nothing.” He looked off. “If you need anything, hit me up.”
I nodded, pulling my seatbelt across my body.
“See you later…” The sadness in his deep chords made me look up at him once more.
“Kay…”
True shut my door, and I watched him stalk away.
“Where you comin’ from?” Morgan set her purse down and slid into the booth.
I took a small sip of water, then cleared my throat. “The shop.”
She frowned. “What’s wrong with you?”
I returned the look. “Why you ask that?”
“Your energy is off,” she stated, eyeing me.
“How would you know my energy is off?” I giggled. “You haven’t even got comfortable in your seat.”
Morgan shrugged. “I can feel it.”
“Hi, my name is Summer. You ladies ready to order?” The waitress smiled down at us. “It’s happy hour, so drinks are half off until seven.”
“Oh, goodie.” Morgan danced in her seat. “Let’s drink margaritas until our vision gets blurry,” she laughed.
