TIP #34 BODY-BODY-HEAD
When you’re on top in your opponent’s guard, always put together combinations that create openings for power shots. A perfect example of this is the body-body-head combination. The majority of the time, your opponent will have his arms elevated to protect his head, allowing you to throw hard punches at his unprotected ribs. After absorbing a few blows, he will most likely drop his elbow to protect his ribs. The instant he drops his arm, you have a perfect opportunity to throw a hard strike to his unprotected head.
TIP #35 PASSING THE GUARD
When you’re in your opponent’s guard, never lie on top of him and stall. Chances are you worked hard to secure a takedown and reach this position, and stalling will accomplish nothing more than forcing the referee to stand you back up. To prevent such an outcome, distract your opponent with strikes and work on passing his guard to a more dominant position such as side control or mount. When you are successful, you not only score points on the judges’ scorecards, but you also attain a position that makes it much easier to lock in submissions or cause damage with strikes.
1
I’m in Neil’s closed guard. Instead of remaining in this position, I’m going to pass to side control.
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To create space, I dig my left knee into the center of Neil’s buttocks, drive my left hand down into his abdomen, and lean back. As my actions force his legs apart, I begin pressing down on his left leg with my right hand (if he giggles or moans in ecstasy, flick him in the nads).
3
I drop my body on top of Neil and force his left leg toward the mat using my right hand.
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I slide my right knee over Neil’s left leg.
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Keeping Neil’s left leg pinned to the mat using my right leg, I wrap my right arm around the back of his head and step my left leg over his right leg.
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Having passed Neil’s guard, I slide my right knee underneath his left shoulder and pin my left knee against his left hip. From this position, I have a greater opportunity to land strikes, lock in a submission, or transition to an even more dominant position.
PASSING THE DOWNED GUARD
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There are many ways to end up standing in front of a downed opponent. You can stand up in his guard, execute a throw or takedown, or your opponent could simply fall to his back in an attempt to bait you down into his guard. If your goal is to keep the fight standing, backing away from your opponent will usually cause the referee to stand him back up. But if you want to engage him in the ground game, it’s in your best interest to pass his guard. In this situation, I set up the pass by grabbing his feet with my hands.
2
Quickly rotating my body in a counterclockwise direction, I cross Neil’s left leg over the top of his right and move his feet toward my left side.
3
Maintaining control of Neil’s right leg using my left hand, I drop down to my right hip and place my right hand to the right of his head.
4
Having cleared Neil’s legs, I drop my weight down on him to prevent him from scrambling, move my left arm to the right side of his body, and pin my left knee to his left hip.
TIP #36 STAY POSTURED
When in your opponent’s guard, always remain postured. Not only will this make it more difficult for him to catch you in a submission, but it also allows you to generate a shitload of power with your strikes.
1
I’ve broken down in Neil’s guard. To improve my effectiveness with strikes, I need to posture up.
2
I dig my palms into Neil’s abdomen and posture up by straightening my arms.
3
Having postured up, I rotate my body in a counterclockwise direction and throw a powerful right to Neil’s face.
4
Immediately after landing the cross, I rotate my body in a clockwise direction and throw a powerful left to Neil’s face.
TIP #37 FOLLOW THE HIPS
When you’re on top in your opponent’s guard, he will constantly shift his hips from side to side to create space. If you allow him to create that space, his chances of sweeping you to your back or locking in a submission improve greatly. To hinder his goal, eliminate all space he creates by tracking the movement of his hips. When done properly, your opponent’s chances of successfully executing a sweep or submission drop dramatically.
TIP #38 LOW-RISK VS. HIGH-RISK TECHNIQUES
Low-risk techniques are generally simple techniques. With just a few steps involved, your opponent will have less time to defend against them. High-risk techniques are generally complex and flashy, and if you attempt one and fail, it will often leave you in a compromising position. For this reason, the majority of techniques you execute in the cage should be simple and low risk. However, if your opponent is broken mentally and physically, and your goal is to earn the submission or knockout of the night (which could get you both a bonus and an open invitation to fight another day—winning by decision don’t guarantee nothin’), flashy techniques can come in handy. But you must always ask yourself if the juice is worth the squeeze.
TIP #39 STAY RELAXED
Whether you are striking or grappling, always stay relaxed. When you’re tight, your attacks are slower, you tire quickly, and your reactions are delayed.
TIP #40 RECOVERY BREATHING
When tired or fatigued, take deep breaths in through your nose and exhale out your mouth. It also helps to take air in using your stomach rather than your chest because it allows you to absorb more oxygen. If you take choppy breaths, it will take twice as long to recover.
TIP #41 DIET
Just like you wouldn’t put shit in the gas tank of your car, don’t put shit into your body. If you want to perform at your best, put high-octane fuel into your system. (Yes, that analogy was very, very lame.) Knowing what foods to base your diet on doesn’t take a brain surgeon—clean meats and loads of fruits and vegetables. However, I do not follow this in the least. I can get away with this because I have different genetics than you. My body works best when fueled by cookies, ice cream, and blue cotton candy. I’m like an elf.
TIP #42 THE GOLDEN RULE
Remember, anything that works is valid. If someone tells you that a technique sucks ass, but it works for you, keep it in your arsenal. The goal is not to be like everyone else. The goal is to develop your own fighting style.
BOOK 6
THE VAULT OF SUPERSECRET TECHNIQUES
FUCK START THE HEAD
When I was on the Fox and Friends morning show a while ago, they wanted me to show them a fighting technique. I could have broken down an armbar or a rear naked choke, but that would have been lame. Wanting to leave a good impression, I showed them the technique demonstrated below. It’s called Fuck Start the Head, and it’s the proper way to break someone’s neck. If you’ve watched any Steven Seagal movie, you probably think all you have to do is grab your attacker’s chin in one hand, the back of his head in the other, and then end his life with a quick twist. That is complete horseshit and will never work. I mean, come on, Steven Seagal runs like a little girl, what makes you think he knows anything about breaking necks? If you buy into that shit, the only thing you’ll ever break is your dick on another man’s ass. So if you want to learn the proper way to snap a neck, learn Fuck Start the Head. It can be difficult to pull off on skilled athletes, but it works great against drunk assholes, really old people (frail bones), and wrestlers who shoot in with their hands down and their neck exposed.
TOTALLY INCORRECT
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CORRECT
Blindly reaching out for your opponent’s head is a good way to get punched in the face, so I prefer to set up the technique using a tactic called “twinkle fingers.” All it takes is elevating your arms and moving your fingers in an excited fashion. This will draw your opponent’s focus every single time, allowing you to go in for the kill.
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2
I slide my right arm across the right side of Neil’s face. At the same time I slide my left forearm across the left side of his neck.
3
I cup the back of Neil’s head with my left hand, and then wrap my right hand over the top of my left.
4
I pull Neil’s head down into my stomach.
5
Thrusting my hips forward, I jerk my arms upward. With Neil’s head pinned against my stomach, his neck experiences an upward torque that causes it to break. Just as anytime you kill someone, you must stick out your tongue to impress any chicks who happen to be standing around watching.
HOW TO FEND OFF A DOG ATTACK
As you can clearly tell from the photos below, dogs are vicious creatures that will tear your throat out just for shits and giggles. If you should have a head-to-head confrontation with one of these ruthless killing machines, do not attempt to apply the rear naked choke demonstrated earlier in the book. Dogs have very small heads because they are stupid, and if they manage to wiggle free of your hold, they will most likely latch onto your arm. A much safer approach is to reach an arm underneath the dog’s body, cup your hand behind the jaw and around the neck, and apply pressure.
1
What’s up, you little hairy bitch? You want a piece of Forrest, bitch! Huh, what’d you say? Talking shit? You want a piece of the Griff? You messing with the 702, sucka. (Yes, I talk about myself in the third person, and yes, I have given myself nicknames…You want a piece of the Griffendor, too?!?)
2
You don’t scare me, white boy. I punk-slap ticks larger than you! I fuck guys like you at the pound. I’m coming, corn bread, I’m coming!
3
Ohhh, shit dog, get off me! Your breath. Oh God, your breath is like hot, fiery fire. You been eating cat shit or your own ass. It smells like a mixture of both. Uncle…I said uncle…
4
You cheater! You cried uncle and then went for my neck…Let me go!…Oooowww. I just shit on you…Fading…fading. Tell Sparkles I love her…Before I go, let me tell you the meaning of life…It’s…it’s…uurrggg.
THE GOOD OL’ KNEE TO THE NUT SAC
When you walk up to some random guy on the street, it’s quite easy to kick him in his junk because he’s totally unsuspecting. However, when you’re in a fight on the street or in the cage, usually your opponent will focus on protecting his happy place. If you throw a knee to the cock ’n balls, his legs will instinctively cross, preventing any damage. Utilizing the technique shown below will ensure contact, causing your opponent to drop to his knees and vomit for approximately half an hour (so, ladies, listen up). I know this technique works because I’ve seen Check Congo use it on a regular basis in the Octagon.
1
I’m tied up with Neil in the over-under clinch. It’s a neutral position because we both have an overhook and an underhook. Instead of trying to pummel for a second underhook so I can secure a body lock, which is what honest fighters do, I plan to knee him as hard as I can in the satchel.
2
To set up the knee strike to the groin, I elevate Neil’s left arm using my right hand, twist his body in a counterclockwise direction using my underhook, and strike his inner left thigh with my left knee. Not only do these actions throw him off balance, but they also spread his legs apart, clearing a pathway to his nuts.
3
With Neil’s balance disrupted, I plant my left foot in front of me and slide my right foot back. If you’re in a professional fight, this is the moment when you want to briefly glance around the cage to make sure the referee doesn’t have a good visual of your opponent’s package.
4
Before Neil can reacquire his balance and slide his legs together, I rocket my right knee forward into his twig and berries.
HOW TO FEND OFF A SWORD ATTACK
First off, never bring a knife to a sword fight. That’s just plain stupid. A much better way to fight a guy with a sword is with your hands. In the sequence below, I demonstrate a hand-to-sword technique that Peruvian monks used to use for disarming Pirates. The reason I capitalized the word pirate is that they deserve respect for attacking Peruvian monks with just a sword during medieval times. At the very least, they should have used a machine gun. Anyway, the technique is supersecret, so if you talk your big brother into practicing it with you using your uncle’s machete, do not tell your mother that you learned the technique from me. That would break the supersecret code and give you herpes for life.
INCORRECT
1) My attacker draws back his sword and swings it at me with all his might. Keeping my feet spread a shoulder’s width apart, I open my hands in the direction of the blade. 2) I turn my face toward the advancing blade and slightly extend my arms. 3) I catch the hard steel in the web of my hands, thwarting the deadly strike. 4) Holding the sharp blade as tight as possible in my right hand, I render my opponent unconscious by delivering a savage knife strike to his throat. Next, I stab him with his own sword and begin plundering his small village on the icy, windswept shores of Scandinavia.
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CORRECT
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THE EYE GOUGE (FOR THE STREET ONLY)
Eye gouging should not be done with an open hand. In addition to telling everyone watching that you’re a cheater, you also risk breaking your fingers. The proper approach is to extend your thumb slightly beyond a closed fist and punch your opponent in the center of his face. In addition to causing damage with your strike, your fist will usually slide off the bridge of your opponent’s nose and allow your thumb to dig deep into his eye socket. Once you have him blinded, you immediately want to follow up with the Good Ol’ Knee to the Nut Sac technique demonstrated earlier. (If you utilize this technique in the cage, you’re not only a cheater, you’re also a dirty piece of shit who deserves to die. When fighting for sport, never fuck with a man’s eyes. That shit ends careers and will garner you an ample amount of haters, including me, for the rest of your life.)
THE HOCKEY BEAT-DOWN
The Hockey Beat-down is basically the street version of the dirty-boxing clinch. Instead of hooking one hand around the back of your opponent’s head, you latch onto the collar of his shirt or jacket. The trick to being effective with the technique is using your grip to constantly keep your opponent off balance. You want to push into him, throw a couple of strikes, pull him into you, throw a couple of strikes, circle and pull him with you, throw a couple of strikes. You get the point. What you don’t want to do is grab your opponent’s collar and then just stand there trying to punch him. With one of your hands tied up with your grip, he will be able to land some pretty solid blows to your face.
1
I latch onto Neil’s right collar, drive his shoulder back to disrupt his balance, and throw a right cross at his face.
2
Keeping Neil off balance by pulling him forward, I land a right uppercut to his jaw.
3
I circle to my right and pull Neil with me, further disrupting his base and balance. I use the opportunity to draw my right hand back.
4
I land a savage right to Neil’s left ear.
NO, YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP
This is an excellent technique to utilize when in a heated argument with your landlord or boss. By pointing a finger at your aggressor’s face, you’re pretty much assuring that he will point his finger back at you. The instant he does, latch onto that sucker and break it in half. It is important to note, however, that if you are in a serious fight, breaking your opponent’s finger will most likely just piss him off. To prevent him from retaliating, kick him in the nuts while he is down on one knee.
1
I point my finger into Neil’s face to make him irate. To ensure that I get the reaction I desire, I add, “You’re a greasy punk bitch, and I order you to be quiet.”
2
Neil takes the bait and points his finger back at me. He utters something a
bout respect and how he’s not afraid of me, but I’m not listening.
3
I grab Neil’s finger with my right hand.
4
As I grab Neil’s right wrist with my left hand, I break his finger with my right. To rub salt into the wound, I mutter, “How you like that, greasy punk bitch?!?!” Next, I will soccer-kick him in the groin.
ACQUIRING THE HEADLOCK
This is an excellent technique for putting your opponent into a headlock, which allows you to pulverize his face until it becomes unrecognizable. If you look at the photos in the sequence below, you’ll notice that my hips are turned away from my opponent. This is to prevent him from grabbing my balls and applying severe downward pressure. Do not overlook technical detail. This technique works especially well on annoying children.
Got Fight? Page 18
