by Ella Fields
Dale wiped a hand down his face, mumbling what sounded like, “Shit, here we go,” when the door to the bus flew open, and Everett stumbled out, falling to the gravel lot.
He didn’t even see us, and I made to go to him when he rose, steadying himself with a stream of curses. Unzipping his fly, he staggered over to a weed-infested garden to relieve himself.
“We’re nothing if not classy,” Dale said, grabbing the guitar and heading to the door. “I’ll be inside if you need anything. Otherwise, bye, Stevie.”
“Thanks. Later, Dale.”
Everett swung around then, still tucking himself away. His eyes widened, his hair a stringy mess, falling into his face until he shoved it back. “Clover?”
“Hey.”
Zipping his jeans, he trudged over, the laces of his untied boots slapping at the small stones. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you and, um”—I straightened from the bus, slipping my hands into the pockets of my shorts—“Hendrix.”
Recognition lit those green, bloodshot eyes. “Fuck.”
“Yeah.”
We stood there a long moment, me watching him, and him watching the ground.
Then a rough laugh had his head snapping up, though he didn’t look happy at all. “Thought you would’ve run back to your preppy boyfriend by now.”
That all depends on what you decide to do tonight.
I rubbed at my forehead. “He’s not my boyfriend.”
“You don’t look too sure about that.” Everett squinted; his voice soft and rough at the same time.
I ignored him. “What happens now?”
“With what?” He pushed his hand through his hair, clearing it off his face.
I tried not to wince at his words, the split, swollen lip, or the bruise on his cheekbone. “Us.”
His brows scrunched, and a hollow laugh tightened my gut. “There is no us, Clover. Just because your brother knows I like to fuck you doesn’t mean anything’s changed.”
Ice-layered thorns wrapped around my heart. “You’re serious?”
He lifted a shoulder, then dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a squashed pack of cigarettes. Sticking one between his teeth, he lit it, then shoved the lighter and pack back inside his pocket. “Yeah,” he finally said. His eyes darted behind me and hardened further before he let them settle on my face.
My hands clenched at my sides, and I drew in a scathing, silent breath, trying to keep hold of all that was threatening to unravel. “You know what?” I said, my smile sad. “It’s probably for the best.”
He blinked, exhaling a cloud of smoke, then nodded. “You’re a comfort, Clover. Nothing more, nothing less.”
I stepped back, sucking my lips between my teeth. “Right. Well, find some other kind of comfort from now on, asshole.”
His rumbling laughter hit me square in the back as I began to leave. “I always do.”
Hendrix was stalking to the bus, his hair a disaster and his clothes wrinkled. “Steve.”
I swallowed the tears that’d pushed past my defenses. “Tried to call you.”
“I know.” He stopped.
“You don’t want to talk to me?”
He sighed. “Not particularly.”
I nodded, biting my lip as we just stood there, not looking at each other.
He yawned, then shifted and gestured behind me. “We’ve gotta head out. I’ll, ah, I’ll see you.”
“Yeah, okay.”
He skirted around me, and I was tempted to see if he and Everett would fight again, but I didn’t have it in me to care, so I continued to walk away.
Forgiveness was a desperate heart’s mistake.
You didn’t forsake the soul to save an organ. Hearts had an expiration date; the soul was immortal.
And I was beginning to fear for mine. This had to stop before the stains blemishing who I was couldn’t be removed.
Adela came home to find me in a sea of tissues on my bed.
Without saying anything, she pulled back the duvet, slipped in behind me, and wrapped her arm around my waist until I was ready to talk.
When I finally did, she didn’t speak for the longest time.
“You’re worrying me,” I said.
“Me?” She laughed.
“Yes, you. You’re not saying anything.”
A sigh left her. “Because I don’t know if what I want to say will be of any help, or if it’s what you want to hear right now.”
We laid there some more, now staring at the ceiling. It’d taken me a while to get used to a bare white with no faded glow worms.
“Tell me anyway,” I decided.
“You can’t help who you love, but I think it’s time to try.”
“That’s it?”
She hummed. “Yep.”
I nibbled my lip, sniffing. “He won’t talk to me.”
“Who?”
“Aiden,” I said, my eyes closing.
“Well, I was starting to worry he was stealing my best friend card, so maybe that’s just fine.”
We both laughed, and I winced at how the action made my ribs ache.
“Have you tried to talk to him?” she asked.
“I called him earlier when I got home. He didn’t answer.” Her silence had me rolling my head to face her. “What?”
Her lips were pressed into a tight line. She released them to say, “You left him in the street for Everett, and he probably figures you slept with him. I’m sorry, hussy, but I think it’s going to take a lot more than simply calling him.”
I blew out a breath, closing my eyes again. “On a scale of one to ten, how horrible am I?”
Adela pretended to think about it. “I’d say a solid seven.”
I snatched and tossed a pillow at her, and she laughed.
The bus wasn’t in the parking lot when I headed to Aiden’s apartment the next morning.
I didn’t expect it to be, but seeing the cars parked in that space was a reminder of what I’d allowed to happen. Of what I always allowed to happen.
No more.
I’d only been by Aiden’s apartment once, when we’d been on our way to one of his games, and he’d forgotten his lucky ball cap. I hadn’t gone in, but I thought I had a pretty good idea which apartment I’d seen him enter from where I’d waited in his car.
I’d thought wrong.
I knocked on four doors, of which only two residents answered, telling me I had the wrong place, until some guy wearing a gaming headset said I’d find him in apartment eight.
I thanked him, then walked down the end of the hall and knocked before I could chicken out.
No answer.
I was about to try again when the door opened, and a bleary-eyed Aiden ran a hand down his face, his golden skin paling a shade when he saw me.
Trying not to let the shadowed dips and muscles of his bare chest distract me, I started in, the words rushing out of me so fast, I was surprised he heard them. “I owe you about a million apologies. I know that. I’m an idiot. I know I told you it was complicated, and even though you probably won’t want to speak to me after what I did, I promise you I’m done with complicated.” I finally expelled a breath. “So, so done.”
Aiden glanced behind him, skating his tongue over his teeth as his shoulders lowered. “You sleep with him?” My mouth opened, but he must’ve known the answer. “Don’t say it.”
“Aiden, I wasn’t thinking properly.” I laughed, the noise breaking. “I never really do where he’s concerned, but like I said, I’m done.” My eyes begged. “I swear, and I’m sorry.”
“Done,” he repeated, dark eyes assessing mine. “Look, now’s not a good time, Petal. And if I’m being honest, I don’t know if I can handle—”
“Aiden?” a feminine voice sang. “Where’s the coffee?”
I tripped backward, stepping away from him and his apartment. “Who’s that?”
A blonde appeared behind him, a senior I recognized from campus. “Who’s she?”
/> Aiden didn’t look at her. “My friend. Coffee’s in the cabinet above the machine. I’ll be back in a second.”
She nodded, eyeing me a moment before vanishing.
He stepped outside. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” I croaked, riddled with disbelief.
“Look at me like I’ve broken your heart.”
“You have.” Until that moment, I hadn’t realized someone else was capable of doing so. “The part that belonged to you, anyway.” I turned and ran for the stairs, taking them two at a time and almost falling. I righted myself, swiping at the wet on my cheeks as I rushed past rows of doors toward the exit.
A hand grabbed my arm, stopping me. “That’s not fucking fair, Stevie.”
“What isn’t?” Struggling to breathe, I spun around and glared. “Me being honest with you?”
“Exactly,” he seethed, his top lip curling. “Not when it’s a little too late.”
“Whatever.” I went to leave, and then I was against the wall, and Aiden’s scent was everywhere, clouding my senses, blurring my vision.
“You don’t get to just give yourself to some guitar swinging asshole, then show up here with your heart suddenly on your sleeve.” The words were gritted through his perfect teeth, hard and desperate and tearing at my heart.
“I know, and I’m sorry,” I said, tears bubbling. I smacked them away and pushed at his chest. “I really am. I’ll just… I’ll see you around.”
He didn’t move, and when I gathered the courage to look at his face again, I saw his eyes glassing and felt the hurt radiating from every muscled inch of his body. “You fucked me up, Petal.” He chuckled, dry and weak. “No, you had me where you wanted me, fucking tied me down, then drove a Mack truck over my damn chest. You destroyed me.”
I blinked, sniffing as I dared to raise my shaking hand to his cheek. “I never meant or wanted to.” His skin was warm and smooth, a stark contrast to Everett’s clammy and prickly.
His eyes shut, a tear collecting on his long lashes. “I know.”
Remembering the guest inside his apartment, I gave a weak smile when his eyes reopened. Taking the tear from his lashes, I licked it from my thumb. “Go, she’s waiting for you.”
His nod, the way he retreated, was a razor dragging over the bleeding organ in my chest. Still, I forced myself to say it one more time. “I’m sorry.”
He walked away, and I made myself watch, knowing I’d ruined a chance at having something that wasn’t only real but also healthy and beautiful. “Don’t say that again, okay?”
“Why?” I asked, standing up straight from the cool wall.
He ran a hand through his finger swept hair. “It’s a reminder that you have something to be sorry for.”
“You’re really going back to her?” I couldn’t help but ask, knowing I’d all but sent him.
“Go home, Stevie.”
“I don’t want to.”
In quick strides, he was standing in front of me again. Muscles rippled, and my eyes ducked to the basketball shorts hanging low on his sharp hips. “Why? Did he leave you again?” I glared, my mouth slack. “Make you a bunch of empty promises to get between your legs and then bail?” Any softness had left his voice.
“Don’t,” I pleaded.
“No,” he snapped. “You made the mistake of telling me about him, and then I made the mistake of seeing it with my own two eyes. I won’t be your second choice because some asshole couldn’t make you his first.”
He cursed when my face crumpled. “Fuck you, Aiden. You don’t know nearly as much as you think you do.”
“Yeah?” He inched closer. “Well, the same goes for you, heart slayer. I’m fucking in love with you, but you either can’t see that, or you just don’t give a shit.”
My breath hitched, loud. “What?”
He laughed, dark and disbelieving, then jogged back to the stairs. “Jesus Christ. Just go home.”
“Aiden, wait.”
He didn’t.
Laying the paper down, I placed the tied arrangement of wildflowers, daisies, and petunias in the center, then carefully started wrapping them.
“You’re hiding today.” Gloria leaned against the doorframe to the back room. “You should’ve seen the way Mr. Ross’s face fell. You know he comes in specifically on the days you work.”
I snorted. “Yeah, to buy flowers for his wife.”
“Doesn’t matter. Sometimes, a smile from a pretty youth is enough to liven the weirdest of souls.”
I smiled at that. “Is Sabrina back yet?”
“Nah. My money’s on her stopping by the bakery to nab a donut.”
“Diet’s not going so well?”
Gloria laughed, a warm, scratchy sound. “She’s been on a diet since I met her, but only when people are looking.”
I loved the way they loved one another. “Has it always been this easy with you two?”
“No way, honey. You’ve caught us in our prime.” Gloria hummed, and I set the flowers in the stand, moving on to wrap a cluster of multicolored dyed roses. “This got anything to do with a certain dark-haired fellow who hasn’t stopped by with coffee for you this week?”
Aiden’s blond friend, the salty taste of his lone tear, and the words he’d said to me hadn’t left me alone for a minute. “Can I tell you something?”
“Let me flip the back in fifteen sign.”
I trimmed the stems and laid out fresh paper, then she was back. “You know how my brother’s in a band?” When she nodded, I continued, “The boy I love happens to be in it too. His best friend.”
Gloria grabbed a stool, tugging it closer to the wooden bench. She adjusted her bright pink sweater dress over her gray tights, crossing her leather booted feet, then nodded. “Tell me everything, honey.”
By the time I finished, her skin had paled, and her hand was at her chest. “There’s something wrong with him,” she said after a few minutes of staring into space while I finished another arrangement. “More than what you must be seeing.”
“I’m pretty sure his parents are drunks and just horrible people. He had a younger brother. He, um, he died before they moved to Plume Grove.”
Gloria made a sound of anguish. “He lost the only person who loved him unconditionally.”
I didn’t think it was possible to cry any more tears over Everett, but there I was, brushing more away. “He’s so broken and lost, and I can’t figure out how or where I fit among those cracks.” I sniffed. “What’s more, he continually pushes me away, and I just… I can’t do it anymore.”
Gloria got up and walked over with her arms out.
I went to them, letting the scent of incense and her fruity perfume calm my cresting emotions. “So you don’t do it anymore. You can’t squeeze your way into someplace that’s not ready to make enough room for you. All that’ll do is hurt.” Her hand swept over my hair, and my arms tightened around her plump waist. “If it doesn’t feel good, you let it go, and you find something that does.”
Aiden was already in class on Thursday, and I hesitated, unsure whether I should take my usual seat beside him or move to an empty one on the other side of the room.
I stood on the stairs and let students pass me as indecision and fear had my heart tapping fast.
I’d seen him on campus on Monday with some of his teammates, walking to the cafeteria, but if he saw me, he didn’t let on. I could only stare then, just as I did now.
When I noticed I was one of the only people still standing, I collapsed into the closest seat, thankful no one was near me, even if that meant I was sitting right by the doors.
The professor arrived, and as he scrawled over the board, Aiden spun around, searching.
I ducked lower in my seat, forcing my eyes to my desk as I opened my book and clicked my pen into action.
“Mr. Prince, is there a reason you’ve decided to play musical chairs today?”
Looking up, my face flamed when I saw Aiden approach with his book and pen. “Yes, sir. It
seems my girl forgot where we usually sit in your class and instead, sat someplace else.” He dumped himself into the seat next to me, opened his book, and held his pen at the ready as half the class and the professor looked on. “I can’t work properly unless she sits next to me. Ready when you are,” he said.
Professor Clarence scratched at his graying beard, eyes bouncing to me, and his lips twitching with a barely contained smile. “As long as you’re not wasting anyone’s time.” He nodded. “Very well, the plans we revised last week shall now be scrutinized further with the following method…” He tapped at the board, and my shoulders drooped.
Aiden wrote something in his book, then, keeping his eyes trained forward, he slid it toward me.
I glanced down at it.
Nothing happened with Nora.
Shocked, I mulled over his words, not sure whether to believe them. Then I turned to a clean page in my book.
Nothing?
Well, I mean, I tried… so some things happened. But I couldn’t do it, so thanks for being the reason her friends all look at me like my equipment doesn’t work.
I bit back a laugh, but the first part… I looked forward again, tapping my pen on my book.
It wasn’t as if I had a right to be upset. I was the one who kept running back to a guy who did whoever and whatever he wanted. So could I really not forgive Aiden for making out with some girl named Nora? He’d put the brakes on being with her because of me. It was way more than Everett had ever done.
It was way more than I’d done for him.
Beneath my desk, his hand crept over my thigh, and I stilled, trying to steady my choppy breathing. Then, with butterflies flapping in my dipping stomach, my hand slowly crawled over his.
When class ended, he grabbed my bag after I’d put my things away and slung it over his shoulder before tugging me out of my seat and into the hallway.
“Where are we going?”
“To talk or make out. I’d prefer the latter, but I’m also happy to simply stare at you.”
Passing students who caught some of his words did a double take, some laughing.
