by A. L. Brooks
Lou was left wondering what the hell had just happened. In the space of a week, Stephanie Jackson had unwittingly crowbarred open Lou’s armour shell just enough for a tiny chink of light to shine through.
* * *
The next morning, when she logged in to check her email, one in particular leapt out at her.
Hi Lou,
I’ve got a meeting with Tania Goodman in Finance at ten, at her desk on the 5th. I know it’s short notice, but it would be really useful if you could join us. Tania’s got the budget for the Southampton project, and I’d like you to help us go through the timeline and check we’ve got all the key areas accounted for. Let me know if you can’t do ten, and I’ll re-arrange.
Regards,
Stephanie
Lou puffed out a loud breath. Great, so even if she begged off this morning, they’d rearrange the thing anyway to accommodate her. She leaned forward onto her elbows and dropped her forehead into her open palms. She vaguely knew who this Tania was, having seen her present some financial stuff at an IT meeting once before. But she’d never spoken to her directly, and now she’d have to do so in front of Stephanie.
Her heart rate increased, and lines of perspiration formed down the middle of her back. She took a few deep breaths, immediately recognising the start of an anxiety attack and knowing she didn’t have long to get it under control.
After about fifteen minutes of using every technique she knew, Lou felt near to normal again. She had to be able to do this.
She fired off a quick one-liner to Stephanie, saying she would see them at ten. Then she sorted through her other emails and worked out the priority of the tickets. Five minutes before the meeting, she took one deep lungful of air and exhaled slowly, stood, and made her way to the stairs.
As she entered the fifth floor, she had a quick look around for Tania—she remembered her as a nicely curvy woman with long auburn hair. Stephanie’s voice came from somewhere behind her.
“Hey, Lou, her office is over in that far corner.”
Lou turned, masking her features to hide the pleasure she felt at seeing Stephanie. She managed a smile, which Stephanie returned, but hers held little warmth.
“Come on, let’s get over there,” said Stephanie, walking on immediately and leaving Lou to take a few quick steps to catch her up. Stephanie was all business again today, no hint of the casualness from yesterday. Lou shook her head in confusion. To be blanked off so completely by Stephanie this morning was hurtful. She tightened her armour; after all these years, she was very good at that.
“Have you guys met?” asked Stephanie as they stepped into Tania’s office. Lou shook her head. “Okay, Tania Goodman, this is Lou Meacham.”
Tania reached out her hand, and Lou nervously shook it, hoping to God her palm wasn’t still sweaty. Tania smiled encouragingly, and Lou breathed a sigh of relief, finally remembering to return the smile.
Their meeting took about twenty minutes, and Lou was pleasantly surprised to find Tania an engaging and funny woman who seemed to have twigged that Lou was very shy. She made allowances for that in the way she posed questions to Lou.
During times when Lou didn’t need to contribute to the conversation, she looked around Tania’s desk space. There were several photos, including one that looked to be a wedding photo. Tania wore a stunning green dress that clung to her curves in all the right places. There was a small bouquet in her hands, and standing next to her, kissing her forehead with a look of total adoration was another woman. She was taller than Tania with thick, dark, spiky hair and amazing blue eyes. She was in a dark suit with a white shirt and an undone bow tie hung on either side of her open collar. Tania was smiling up at her, and they looked so incredibly happy and in love. Lou insides did a little lurch.
“That’s my wedding, earlier this year,” said Tania softly.
Lou whipped her head round, embarrassed to have been caught staring. Tania was smiling though, and Lou found herself shyly smiling in return.
“You both look so happy,” she said before she could censor herself. She blushed at the longing in her tone. Something about the photo, the love that was obvious between the two woman, had struck a deep, aching chord in Lou.
Tania nodded. “We are—it was a lovely day.”
Stephanie shuffled her papers on the desk between them and stood up quickly. “Sorry, I need to get back,” she said, her voice sounding a little strained. “I’ll speak to you both later.” She strode off before either Lou or Tania could say anything.
Tania smirked. “Hm, think we made her a bit uncomfortable?”
Lou blushed a little, realising that Tania had clocked that Lou was gay too.
“Actually,” continued Tania, ducking her head down a bit and lowering her voice. “I have a question, if you don’t mind?” She had an unreadable smile on her face.
Lou shook her head. “No, go ahead.” Her heart pounded at the prospect of it being something personal.
“Well, I’ve just made a big assumption that you’re gay too, yeah?”
Lou nodded.
“Great! So I’m not the only gay in the village around here; that’s a relief.” She rushed on before Lou could respond. Tania, she was beginning to realise, was a bit of a force of nature. “Anyway, here’s the thing. I got introduced to Stephanie last week, and my gaydar has been giving me all sorts of wonky readings from her ever since. Are you getting the same vibe or is it just me?”
Tania grinned, and Lou couldn’t help but smile back. She shook her head.
“I’m afraid my gaydar is a little rusty,” she said quietly, startled when Tania let out a chuckle. “I-I don’t know how to read her at all, but—” She caught herself. She had been about to tell Tania that she’d thought Stephanie had checked her out on the first day they met.
“What?” Tania’s voice this time was gentle and warm. Lou hadn’t had a gay friend in such a long time, and although she’d only met Tania half an hour ago, she had already taken to her easily. Maybe having someone like Tania to talk to would be a really good thing. Maybe a little courage now could go a long way.
“Well,” said Lou, her voice a little cracked from her nerves. “The thing is, on the first day I met her, last week, I-I could have sworn she checked me out.” Lou’s face flooded with heat, but all Tania did was raise her eyebrows.
“Well, well. Interesting,” murmured Tania.
Lou was so grateful she hadn’t teased her, or worse, accused her of being full of herself.
“She is a mystery,” continued Tania, her eyes twinkling. “I think you and I should keep an eye on her and see what we can find out, yeah?”
Lou blushed again. She didn’t need any encouragement to keep an eye on Stephanie.
Tania looked at her, opened her mouth to speak, and then shut it again.
“What?” asked Lou.
“I… Well, I was just going to say, um…” Tania seemed to be struggling with her words.
Lou made a rolling motion with her hands to encourage her to speak up, her curiosity overcoming her shyness. The action made Tania giggle.
“All right, I’ll just say it,” said Tania in a rush. “You’re incredibly shy, aren’t you?”
Lou glanced away and nodded, but before she could respond, Tania was speaking again.
“And you really like Stephanie, don’t you?”
Lou’s heart pounded in her chest. Oh shit, was it that obvious? What if Stephanie had realised? Was that why she’d been so cold with Lou today?
“Hey, don’t panic, please!” Tania’s voice was calm, and she tentatively laid a hand on Lou’s arm. “I only just realised it as we were speaking now. There’s no way she knows, okay?”
Lou dared to meet Tania’s gaze and found only friendliness and warmth there. She sighed. Something she couldn’t really understand told her Tania would not hurt or belittle her. In fact, her gut instinct told her that Tania could be a really good friend.
“I think she’s gorgeous,” whispered Lou. “But I
am so shy. I have no idea how to go about even finding out if she’s gay, never mind if she’s single or interested in me. And no, I don’t have a working gaydar, but she has given me a couple of very confusing signals, and it’s doing my head in.”
Tania smiled at her. “I think you and me need to have lunch together today. What do you think?”
A warm flush of pure joy spread through Lou’s body. She grinned and nodded.
* * *
Lou was in a dilemma. It was Friday night, her preferred night to go to the club. As she sipped her coffee and listened to Billie Holiday, she struggled to come up with the enthusiasm to go or a plan of what she might look for when she got there. She couldn’t get Stephanie out of her mind.
Her amazing interaction with Tania yesterday had put her head into a spin too. It was refreshing to sit down to lunch and talk about gay things, which, of course, included her major crush on Stephanie. And talking about Stephanie meant all she could think about for the rest of that day was Stephanie’s beautiful face.
Friday was dress-down day in the office, and Stephanie had turned up in jeans and a tight tee shirt that showed off every gorgeous curve.
Lou had managed to look away just before she got caught ogling. She’d chastised herself for being so…leery. But God, it had been years since she’d met anyone outside the club who made her look twice, and she couldn’t ever remember talking so freely with another woman. Stephanie today had been the same Stephanie she’d talked to on Wednesday—friendly, a little chatty, smiling, and doing that very cute blushing thing again. Something about Stephanie, or at least this version of Stephanie, just put her totally at ease. Something no one else had ever done.
Tania hadn’t helped, texting her after lunch.
Just seen the lovely Stephanie in the coffee room. Girl, she’s smokin’ today, huh?!
Lou had giggled and blushed and then texted back.
Not helping!!! Trying to be Ms Professional here.
Tania’s reply had been swift.
Fuck professional! I say go with the lust, much more fun! ;-)
Lou hadn’t responded to that one, burying her head in her work for the rest of the day, trying to keep her mind from turning it all over again and again. There were still all those unanswered questions—straight or gay? Involved or not involved? But who was she kidding anyway? Even if she knew all the answers, did she really think she would do anything about it? Of course not. Shit, why couldn’t she just be normal? She wanted to be—oh God, how she wanted to be.
She slumped back against the sofa and ran her hands through her hair and then down over her face. She rubbed at her cheeks in frustration. Don’t be ridiculous. Stick with what you know, what you can handle. Anonymous sex in the club is all you’re capable of, so just get off your arse, get ready, and go and find a woman to take your mind off Stephanie Jackson.
Out of the blue, a thought came to her—a very stupid, crazy thought, but one she couldn’t push away.
Lou leapt to her feet. Time to get changed. She knew what she needed tonight, knew what the plan would be. She smiled ruefully and went to the bathroom to start the ritual. It certainly wasn’t the best plan she’d ever had, but it would fulfill its purpose. She hoped.
* * *
She smiled at Mandy, paid her money, and put her things in the locker. Then she walked through to Green, ordered a beer, and found a seat at the central bar. It would take time tonight, she thought, but she’d arrived a little earlier than usual to allow for that.
She watched the action around the room, but her attention never lingered long on any one scene. She was continually observing the room to see who had come in, who was staying, and who fit the bill. She bought a second beer, chose a different seat, and focused on the door, ignoring some obvious signals sent her way by a few of the other patrons.
After about an hour, Lou was wound as tight as a drum, and then she walked in. The height wasn’t quite right, but the build was. And the hair. The hair was absolutely fucking perfect, and that would be enough. It was exactly the same shade as Stephanie’s dark blonde and cut in a similar short bob. Lou breathed slowly as she watched the woman—what she did, where she went. When it was obvious she was staying in Green, Lou followed her journey around the room, hoping to make eye contact. The woman never once looked her way, and Lou feared her opportunity would slip by. Taking a deep breath, she stood and walked very deliberately into the woman’s path. When she looked up, Lou smiled at her. Her hardened resolve gave her much more confidence than usual, and she gestured to the wall. The woman looked Lou up and down, nodded, and walked to where Lou had indicated. Lou took a deep breath and joined her.
“Hi,” said the woman as Lou reached for her hips and pushed her gently back against the wall.
Lou was surprised at her own voracity. She was normally hesitant in starting things, no matter how turned on she might be. But her fantasy was egging her on in a way nothing else had ever done.
“No speaking,” Lou whispered, knowing the voice wouldn’t be the same, and that would spoil the illusion. She didn’t even particularly want to look at the woman, so she leaned in to kiss her and let her imagination take over. She ran her hands into the woman’s hair as she deepened the kiss, letting the thick, blonde strands run through her fingers. The woman was very responsive, arching into Lou’s touch, groaning when Lou pushed her hands up under her bra to stroke and pinch her small but wonderfully firm breasts. Lou wondered if this was how Stephanie would respond, how she would feel. She let images of Stephanie fill her mind as her hands and mouth roamed over this stranger’s body, but as she pushed the woman back, unzipped her jeans, and slipped her fingers inside her, something literally shut off inside Lou. She hesitated as she made to push deeper inside the woman.
Imagination wasn’t enough.
This wasn’t Stephanie she was touching and kissing. Lou had her fingers inside yet another stranger, and she knew, for sure this time, that this really wasn’t the way she wanted to live the rest of her life. She almost sighed out loud at this revelation, as all her desire for the body before her simply melted away. Everything she’d ever needed from this club was now irrevocably altered by this one moment.
It changed everything.
It was bad enough she’d used this woman as a surrogate; she couldn’t leave her unsatisfied on top of that. She went through the motions of bringing the woman to a quick orgasm and held her tight as she convulsed with her aftershocks. She politely refused the woman’s offer to reciprocate, knowing it wouldn’t do anything for her. She didn’t want a stranger. She wanted Stephanie. Lou needed to be braver, to step out from behind the safety curtain and put herself in the firing line.
* * *
“Are you okay today, Lou? You seem a little on edge—would you rather we went through this another time?” Stephanie stared at Lou in concern.
At least Lou hoped it was concern and not fear. She was acting odd, but she couldn’t seem to snap out of it. All she could think about was how gorgeous Stephanie was and how she wanted to get to know her more. A lot more.
“No, it’s fine. Sorry, something on my mind. Carry on.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. So, the figures from—”
“Would you like to go out sometime?”
Oh shit.
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck! Where had that come from? Lou blushed deep crimson, mortified at how her mouth had taken over with no direction from her brain. She dared to look at Stephanie and knew she had made a huge mistake. Her face showed shock, and to Lou’s perception, even a hint of disgust.
“No,” said Stephanie abruptly. “I don’t think so.” She looked everywhere but at Lou.
For her part, Lou just wanted the ground to open up and swallow her.
“Okay, well, um, sorry.” Lou looked away, fearful she would cry if the huge lump building in her throat was anything to go by.
“Let’s pick this up later, shall we?” said Stephanie, her voice sharp, and she stood and walked away before Lou
could say anything else.
Lou lay her head on her desk and closed her eyes. Slowly and carefully, she pushed all her armour back into place, as tight as it would go.
* * *
On Friday night, she walked into Green and passed straight through to Blue. She walked with purpose, her head up, her new persona in place. Tonight, she’d had no trouble getting herself mentally ready for a visit to the club. Tonight, she’d disappeared into a cold, unemotional place that she found frighteningly easy to inhabit. Tonight, she’d strapped on before leaving the house, fitting the dildo snuggly into her faded blue jeans, the ones that fit over it best, and she’d slipped a couple of condoms into her left back pocket and small sachets of lube into her back right.
She rarely used a dildo, but tonight it was necessary. Tonight, she couldn’t face the emotional intimacy of having her fingers buried inside a woman or her tongue on their clit. Forget about having them do the same to her.
Tonight, she was ready to fuck anyone who wanted it, any which way they wanted it. It didn’t matter who as long as they helped her forget.
CHAPTER 10
Manchester, 2013
Mandy pushed open the door to the cafe and spotted Rebecca sitting at one of the small tables in the corner. She looked as beautiful as ever, but even from this distance, Mandy could see something was wrong. Rebecca’s face was clouded, her eyes looking dull and red-rimmed. She ordered a latte and marched across to Rebecca. They were meeting in Rebecca’s local coffee shop, just round the corner from where she lived off Cheetham Hill Road. It was uber-trendy, and Rebecca had often spoken of its chic appeal. Mandy had barely a glance for the place today as it was clear her friend needed her full attention.
“Hey,” she said, tilting her head to one side. “What’s up, babes?”
Rebecca sighed and smiled weakly. “Hey, you. Thanks for coming.”
“Any time, you know that. So, tell me, what’s going on? You sounded pretty upset on the phone, and you look it now.”
Rebecca sighed and looked away for a few moments. When she looked back, her eyes were misted with tears.
