by R. Cooper
Talfa gave Taji an odd look that Taji didn’t bother to return, then left Taji’s side to stand over Larin’s body. “Elii,” Talfa tried again, “the Guards will escort you out if you wish. The humans will help you all with the longing. But you should go now.” Talfa waited until the soft steps of the shehzha were farther away, then looked down at what had been Olea Larin. “Rinnah will be saddened.” He glanced to Taji. “You should also leave, Taji shehzha. Or go to your eshe.”
“You will take his feet?” Taji realized loudly without the sense to stop himself, and then shook his head in denial and walked over to Trenne on wobbly legs. “I’m going to collapse now,” he informed Trenne, then fell to his knees before tipping to the side. He clung to Trenne’s leg and put his head against Trenne’s knee and closed his eyes.
A stunned silence followed that, for long enough that Taji tilted his head back and opened his eyes again.
Trenne gazed at him in bemused wonder.
“All that you are for just me?” Taji asked and clucked his tongue. Exhaustion and longing and maybe some shock made him slur his words together. “Thas’silly. You’re the greatest person I have ever met—and I am Taji from beyond the rings, so that means something.”
Trenne dared to regard Taji uncertainly, one ear bent, then both straight up. “It does not mean enough, peha, if you cannot understand what you are.”
Taji rubbed his cheek on Trenne’s pants. “I’m your shehzha.” He wondered if Trenne was still confused, because he wasn’t speaking. Taji looked up at him again. “Your Taji Ameyo.” Behind him was the sound of a blade slicing through the air and hitting the ground—or bone. Taji shut his eyes and pretended hard that he and Trenne were alone. “If my honor is worth your life, what do I give you?”
“Is that why you did not answer?” Trenne’s fingers brushed the crown of Taji’s head, trailed down to trace the top of one ear. “You think you should give something in return and you have nothing?”
“I am not of sound mind right now, but if you had said that—that amazing statement to me a week ago….” No empire. No family name. No history. But all that I am is yours, if you will have it. Taji reached up to take Trenne’s hand. It was slick, possibly with blood. Taji didn’t care. That was for his honor. “I would have wanted to say yes just as much.”
“But you did not,” Trenne said, and Taji remembered Lin chastising him for forgetting what every gesture Trenne made toward him on this planet had cost him.
“You took my words,” Taji explained quietly. He lifted his head and pressed a kiss to Trenne’s knuckles.
“Ah.” He imagined Trenne flustered, perhaps increasingly satisfied. “Yet you believed I would not come for you.”
“I won’t think that again,” Taji promised. “My Trenne. My daydream. My fantasy brought to life.”
“You are in the hold of the longing, and tired, and perhaps feeling the effects of having my body.” Saying that did not stop Trenne from gracing the curve of Taji’s ear with another careful, reverent caress.
Taji sighed. “You can have my name, if you like.” It came out smoothly, he thought, for someone who had never proposed before. “But yeah, I’m a mess right now. You might regret this later.”
The blade sliced through the air again. Taji was pretty sure he was shaking.
Trenne bent down. “You still do not know what you are. It took me years to know myself. I do not mind waiting until you do the same.” Taji looked up at him, awed. Trenne’s gaze was warm. “Now, would you like to be off the floor? I want to leave this place.”
Taji nodded eagerly. “I’m going wherever you’re going,” he assured Trenne, and did not look back as he was scooped into Trenne’s arms and carried out of the home of the Olea.
Chapter Nineteen
THE EMBASSY, as Tsomyal’s residence now could possibly, honestly, be known, buzzed with the energy of fussing soldiers, anxious builders, and distant conversation, audible even in the barracks. The main entrance had to be rebuilt after the invasion by the Civil Guard, and there were additional security concerns. IPTC was allegedly sending a few more soldiers as well, which would give the house a much more official air.
Taji was not sure that the whole residence wouldn’t be moved in spite of all that. The Sha had never had a need to house foreign diplomats—or at least, never felt a need—but that had recently changed. Very recently. Not more than a week ago, in fact, unless Taji had lost track of time again, which was possible. The real question was where the ambassador and their staff might end up. Choosing a district in the capital was one of those politically charged decisions that Taji would, thankfully, never have to make.
Any possible relocation was a discussion that would take place between Ambassador Tsomyal and the new emperor, although the new emperor was busy enough at the moment that the decision might be put off for some time.
The last emperor had left the capital and perhaps the country in what Shavians would consider a state of barely controlled chaos—which meant business as usual on the surface and lots of scheming and tensions behind closed doors. Tensions that might actually have led to noble families openly challenging each other for power, a situation that not even IPTC wanted. The late emperor’s successor was occupied in dealing with that. Taji found it reassuring to see an emperor actually do things, even if the things were making visits, generally being seen, and judiciously crushing their enemies.
It turned out, the Sha in the capital liked to see their emperor do this as well. At least, according to the gossip Lin and Markita overheard.
Nonetheless, it was odd to find that emperor here, in a somewhat shabby, not especially secure house being used as an embassy despite the fact that the ambassador was not in residence. The political turbulence here and then a dust storm on the moon had meant a delay in Tsomyal’s return. Trenne was probably hoping for the repairs to be finished before then, including the beefed up security measures. The team had no reason to suspect more danger, but no one was going to argue with Trenne on the matter. Not after this.
Taji looped his fingers idly through his newest bracelet, a simple creation of cord and carved stone beads. Trenne was worried about security because nothing in the capital was settled, and Tsomyal was frail, and one of his team had been gravely injured. He was also worried because, probably very soon, Taji’s longing was going to get worse.
Taji made a slightly distracted mental note to ask what the phase in which the shehzha was doped up but not missing their eshe was called, although he might have to ask Mos. Trenne, as an outsider to Sha culture, often did not know the finer details of having a shehzha.
Of course, Taji had made this mental note before, but his memory was currently scattered and foggy, courtesy of the longing, going down on Trenne that morning, and a prickly awareness that he had not seen Trenne in several hours.
It was strange to find himself unable to think clearly. Taji was terrified about it, in his calmer moments, but mostly not nearly as scared as he’d expected to be. When his lucid thinking returned, he would probably have nightmares of events he needed to process. Avoiding them by losing himself to Trenne was easy to do, in comparison. He licked his bottom lip, thick with red shimmer—another present—and smiled to himself before he looked up.
He had no idea how long he’d gone quiet, lost in thoughts of Trenne, but he wasn’t sure Talfa had even noticed.
Talfa Emperor raised their head when Taji cleared his throat, and then took their hand from the side of the Pre-C bed with visible reluctance. Beneath clear shielding, in scrubbed air to keep down infection risks, Nadir slept, face bruised, expression peaceful and oblivious. He’d lost weight, everyone did when they were surviving off intravenous nutrients, but his skin had color again. Poor Markita had given so much blood, he’d been weak for days after, but Nadir was healthy enough now to produce his own again. Or so Nev said. Nev had also said Nadir could wake up soon, though he would be in a lot of pain. Taji wished it would happen now, and not only because it would c
heer up a weary Talfa.
“Sleeping so many days is normal?” Talfa had asked that already.
Taji repeated what Nev had told him every time he’d asked. “His body sustained a lot of damage, including a lack of rest. Sleep helps humans heal more than anything. Nutrients, water, and sleep.” The phrase medical comas still did not make sense to Talfa’s translation device.
Talfa turned to Taji, then nodded. They had the air of someone trying out a gesture, then deciding it was not for them. “You also bond through touch? That is true?”
Talfa had heard Trenne say that; Taji had almost forgotten. He was not as embarrassed at the memory of standing in front of a naked Trenne and adoring him as he could have been. That was probably also the longing. Or being in love with someone who cared for him in return like Trenne did.
Taji cleared his throat again. “Well, it helps. Many humans find it comforting—not all humans. But we are inclined to be social even without physical contact.”
“There are more of you that will arrive soon,” Talfa remarked, and it didn’t seem like a comment Taji should respond to, so he didn’t. Some of Tsomyal or Trenne’s sense must have rubbed off on him. Or he was simply distracted.
Talfa brushed nonexistent wrinkles from the lines of their black and fuchsia soria. “I should leave you. I did not intend to extend my visit. I merely wanted to make certain you were well.”
“It is not at all usual for anyone to visit a shehzha, extended visit or not. Not even to see if they are well,” Taji responded, but as gently as he could manage in another language with his thoughts already drifting again.
Talfa still had not moved away from the Pre-C bed. “You are correct. You were not the entire reason I came here. However, while I am here, I thought to tell you that as recompense, not to the I.P.T.C. but to you personally, I would speak to Rinnah about the ruins. The failed emperor knew they would appeal to you and I am curious to know what you find there. I know you will not be traveling for some time, but after that. Once you are calm again, I will tell Tsomyal Arte that it would please me to have you sent there. Would that be acceptable?”
“Recompense?” Taji stared until he remembered to blink, then dismissed that topic for another time. “Rinnah might not want to see me.”
Talfa gestured loosely with one hand. “She knows, as I do, what had to be done.” They paused. “But you are right. There are other ruins. I might ask the Aza.”
“You have enough to do,” Taji pointed out, although he hoped he’d remember to look into the Aza later. “Your family….”
“Unpleasant tasks.” Talfa exhaled in exhaustion, but without a single twitch of their ears. Unpleasant or no, Talfa would fulfill each obligation with honor. But they did pause again, glancing around the barracks with absent curiosity before refocusing on Taji. “The ambassador is invited to the Koel estate for tea when they return. And you, though your refusal will be expected and understood until such time as you can stand to be apart from him again. Perhaps…” A look to the bed betrayed Talfa but their ears stayed surprisingly resolute. “No. An emperor in my position is very busy, and the people already do not know what to make of offworlders. I should…what was said in a moment of danger should not be taken seriously. I doubt he will remember.”
“Are you asking me?” Taji’s voice rose. “I am not the right judge for that.” His thinking was slightly clearer now that he wasn’t constantly terrified or in pain or tired, but he still wasn’t anyone an emperor should come to for romantic advice.
He twirled his fingers through the bracelet again, realized he was flushed and that his lips were parted, and hastily turned his head as he composed himself. The Imperial Guard in the corner looked away.
“It was a nice dream,” Talfa concluded. A human’s voice might have been wobbly. Talfa’s was suspiciously blank. “Perhaps selfish for a new emperor.”
Taji sighed noisily. “Maybe. Or maybe people will like seeing their emperor treat a shehzha with respect and adoration. Even a human, IPTC one. Uh, an I.P.T.C. one. The more public the respect, the better. Courtship, the whole deal.”
If Nadir would stay in IPTC’s service after this was a real question, depending on his health, both mental and physical, and if he wanted to. It was difficult to say with Nadir, who joked about a lot of things but had apparently been serious the whole time. But Talfa didn’t need to be bothered with that right now. “He will take a while to recover, so you will have time to make the dream real, if you choose to.”
“Taji shehzha!” The surprise was the first real sign of the old Koel Talfa, and if the Guards in the room objected to an openly enthusiastic emperor, Taji couldn’t see it. “You should not suggest that. He is a brave and courteous warrior, but he is not mine. No one expects Koel Talfa to be eshe.”
No one expected Koel Talfa to be emperor, either, which was likely why Talfa went silent. But sometimes the unexpected choice was the best choice. Talfa was steeped in Sha tradition, devoted to honor, and open to new ideas. They were also considered strong, but fair. A distinction that Taji didn’t feel like delving into.
Shehzha didn’t go outside, so Taji had not seen Sha justice in action. He was once again very grateful to be shehzha, though he did wonder which nobles Talfa had singled out for their failures. Whichever ones who had been in that room and were allowed to live would find themselves on the wrong side of IPTC; Taji would see to that when he could think again.
Taji stopped playing with his bracelet. “Nadir likes perfumes, if you wondered about gifts for him. I do not see the harm in it—although I am only a translator, not a diplomat or politician.”
Talfa looked at Taji and hummed before looking away. “If that is what you choose to say, Taji shehzha. But I believe I will go. You are distracted again and I have families to visit.”
“Emperors usually do that? Visit potentially treasonous families?” Taji hadn’t meant to ask, but Talfa hadn’t moved.
“Do they also talk with shehzha who are not their own?” Talfa returned. “Emperors do what it is their role to do. You said the universe is vast and empires change or fall, Taji shehzha. But they are with me,” Talfa acknowledged the Guards without looking at them “and the Inri have stayed quiet, so this must be my role. But if you are worried, ask your eshe for me, if you remember.” Talfa slid Taji a brief, sly glance.
“Trenne?” Taji asked in surprise, only growing a bit warmer at saying the name.
“He seems to notice his surroundings in a way I will have to try to learn.” Talfa turned resolutely from the bed. “I will leave you now. Take care, Taji shehzha. I look forward to seeing you again.”
Talfa Emperor and their several bodyguards swept from the room. This time, Talfa did not allow themselves another glance to the bed or Nadir.
Taji stood there a moment, wondering vaguely what the builders thought of the sight or if they even knew that was their emperor. Then he crept to the foot of the Pre-C to stare down at Nadir.
“An emperor,” he remarked, still expecting Nadir to wake up just to wink at him. “You’ll be so pleased with yourself.”
“You’re still here?” Nev came briskly into the room to look at Nadir and scan his vitals. His tone was crisp and only slightly teasing. “Pretty sure you’re supposed to be in bed, Mouth.”
Bed sounded amazing. Nonetheless, Taji protested immediately. “I’m not an invalid! I’m—”
“Critically horny?” Nev suggested, and thumped his fist lightly on the Pre-C bed to share the joke with Nadir. “Embarrassingly aroused at inconvenient moments?” Nev shooed Taji out with one careless wave, letting him off lightly considering the amount of roasting Taji had suffered through yesterday when he had wandered downstairs with no pants on, and the amount of fussing over him that Nev had done after Mos had finally figured out how to remove the alay. Nev worried about Taji more then Taji had realized. “Eat something before you go back up, will you? I’m used to you being squishy and covered in crumbs, and you’re freaking me out.”
“Not hungry,” Taji grumbled, but left the barracks and detoured through the kitchen. A weird side effect of the longing was not feeling hunger, all while fully aware that his body was burning through more calories than usual. It was no surprise his thoughts tended to drift; his blood sugar had to be low. In fact, that might be half of the real cause of a shehzha’s longing symptoms.
He took a protein drink because it was easiest, and sucked on the pouch as he went through the main entrance hall.
Rodian and Lin were overseeing the builders repairing and strengthening the door. Rodian took one look at Taji, widened his eyes, then turned away. Lin, leaning against the wall, gave Taji a stern look that made Taji falter on his way to the lift.
“I’m shehzha, not helpless,” Taji insisted, wiggling the protein drink to ensure she saw it. He spoke in Anglisky, but the workers visibly startled at the word shehzha anyway.
Lin was unimpressed. “Is that what you wore to meet with the emperor?”
