He put a hunk of steak in his mouth and took an inordinately long time to chew it. But when he swallowed, compassion filled his eyes. “I’m so sorry about your mom. How is your dad holding up? How are you holding up?”
She felt suddenly guarded. “I’m okay. It’s been seven months now … eight at the end of this month. That doesn’t seem possible.” The realization startled her and she spoke almost to herself before turning back to Ben. “Dad has really struggled, but I think he’s finding his way. You knew he moved to Florida?”
“I think I heard that. Heard he’d sold your house anyway.”
“Yes. That was hard. On all of us.”
“I bet. You grew up in that house.”
She nodded. “Lots of good memories there. But we’re making new ones at the new place. Dad stayed with us at the cottage the week before Phee’s wedding, and that really made it feel more like home. Now with Phee and Quinn building on the property, it’s honestly every bit as much home to me as the house in Langhorne was.”
“That’s good.” He took another bite of prime rib.
“So what about you? You said you left your job at the college? I thought you liked that job.”
He shrugged, still chewing. “Maybe slightly better than my job at the med center. Can’t say I ever aspired to a career in billing. I’d rather be working outdoors, but the money is pretty good.”
“What would you do outdoors?”
He shrugged. “Not sure. Maybe something with the forest service. Or be a golf pro.”
She laughed. “Have you taken up golf since we last met?”
“I have, actually.”
“Oh.” She covered her mouth. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh.”
“It’s okay. Forest service is probably more likely than golf pro. But a guy can dream, right?”
“Of course.”
“The truth is, I can barely afford to play golf. But it’s a guilty pleasure on the weekends.”
“Well that’s good. Nice you have your weekends off. I like that about my job too.” It was becoming one of the only things she liked about her job, but she didn’t tell him that.
They ate in silence for a few minutes before Ben laid down his silverware and studied her long enough that she started to feel uncomfortable.
She tipped her head. “What?”
“I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve gotten more beautiful in the last year.”
“Year and a half.” She smiled, but his comment warmed her heart, even as it made her a tiny bit suspicious.
“Whatever. Just say thank you for the compliment.”
“Thank you, Ben. That’s sweet.”
“Can I tell you something?” That sultry stare again.
It made her nervous. “I guess …”
“I’ve regretted letting you go almost every day since … it happened.”
“And you waited a year and a half to tell me this?”
“What can I say? I’m an idiot.”
“Well, yes, but …” She grinned, feeling as if she had the upper hand and liking the feeling. Even as she worried where he was going with this.
“I’m serious, Jo. I never should have let you get away. We had something good and I blew it. Big time.”
“How did you blow it?” She’d waited a long time for an apology she thought she might never get. She wondered if it would be as sweet as it always was in her imagination.
“I was a jerk. You were going through a hard time and I … I didn’t want to go there. I couldn’t stand to see you in such pain.”
She bent her head, not sure how to respond. His words were what she needed to hear, but were they genuine? Or was he merely saying what he knew was the right thing to say? And even as the questions plagued her, she hated that she was suspicious of his motives.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. It was a bad time.”
“A bad time? For who?”
“Well, for you, of course. But I wasn’t in a good place either. I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and I let that get in the way of our relationship. I—I had a lot of growing up to do. I realize that now.”
The hurt, the betrayal she’d suffered from Ben—and that she’d had to deal with in the midst of learning that Mom’s illness was terminal—came rushing back. “It’s … in the past. It’s okay.”
“Still, I’m sorry. About your mom, about us. I am sorry.”
Joanna sighed. “I know. And I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago, actually.”
“Thank you for that. I don’t deserve it.”
“None of us ever really deserve forgiveness.”
“Well, I’ve suffered the consequences, if that makes you feel any better.”
“What do you mean by that?” She placed her fork across her half-eaten chicken breast and pushed the plate away, her appetite gone.
“I’ve missed you, Jo. You were always the best thing in my life. I let you go over a petty thing and I’ve regretted it.”
She bristled. “My mother’s death was not a petty thing.”
“No! Of course not.” He reached across the table and touched her wrist. “Please … That’s not what I meant.”
She pulled her arm away and folded it across her body, out of his reach.
“Joanna.”
She looked up. He’d rarely used her full name, and it had a sobering effect now. “Yes?”
“That’s not what I meant. Your mom was the sweetest woman I’ve ever known—next to you, of course. I almost felt like I’d lost my own mom when I heard that your mom had died. And I am so sorry I bailed on you at the worst possible time.”
She swallowed hard. “Ben, you never so much as sent a card after Mom died.”
A too-long silence. Then he bowed his head as she’d done a moment ago. “I know. I thought about it. Sending a card. Even calling you. I promise I did. But it seemed like that might be … I don’t know … rubbing it in or something.”
“It’s never wrong to send a card. Or just to say you’re sorry.”
“I know. I should have. I should have called you.”
“Okay. I didn’t mean to … belabor the point.”
“No. I don’t blame you for being upset. I just hope you really mean it. About forgiving me.”
She bristled. “I meant what I said. Can we change the subject?”
He pushed his plate away. “Of course. I’m sorry if that upset you, but … I just wanted to be sure you knew how sorry I was.”
“I know. Thank you, Ben.” She flashed him her best smile, relieved to have that out of the way, yet knowing she’d rehash their conversation a million times before she was really satisfied that Ben understood why she’d broken off their friendship.
She knew it wasn’t his fault, but the fact that he’d waited until Mom was gone to get in touch again bothered her more than she wanted to admit. Especially when she’d assured him that she’d forgiven him.
“Now what about that blackberry cobbler?”
“Maybe next time. I should take the rest of my chicken home for Melvin though.”
“So, ol’ Melvin moved out to the country with you?”
“He did. But he’s a big disappointment as a mouser.” She told him about the mouse they’d seen scurrying across the floor of one of the cabins the first time they looked at the property. “He hasn’t brought us even one of the little vermin. And don’t tell Britt, but I know there are still mice on the property.”
Ben laughed at her story and by the time they’d paid the bill and headed for Ben’s car, they seemed to have recaptured the lighthearted mood the evening had begun with.
“Maybe we could go for ice cream. My treat.” She thought it a good sign that her appetite had returned.
“Nonsense. This date is on me. You still like Andy’s?”
“Is there any other place when it comes to—?” She gave an awkward laugh, realizing she’d said those exact words to Luke when he’d asked about the frozen custa
rd place. Only last week. It seemed a lifetime since she’d seen him.
“What’s wrong?” Ben gave her a worried look.
“Nothing. Except …” She waved him off. “Except that I’m paying because I want a double dip.”
That made him laugh.
And with his laughter, her hopes rose again.
CHAPTER 28
LET’S KEEP IT TO A single dip tonight, bud, okay?” Luke put his hands on Mateo’s shoulders as they studied the menu on the outdoor marquee together. “We need to watch the budget.”
These nightly after-supper jaunts to Andy’s Frozen Custard were breaking the bank, not to mention the bathroom scales. But in the heat of summer, it had become a fun tradition and something Mateo so looked forward to that Luke didn’t have the heart to say no.
“I have money …” Mateo dug in the pocket of his athletic shorts and produced a couple of dollar bills.
“No … Hang on to that. You can pay once I run out of money.”
Mateo’s eyes grew round. “Are you running out?”
Luke laughed and clapped a hand on the boy’s back. “Not anytime soon. But if we keep up the double dips, we’ll be skating pretty close to the edge.”
Looking relieved, Mateo shoved the bills back into his pocket and ordered a small chocolate cone. Luke ordered vanilla frozen custard in a small cup and paid for the treats.
It was early enough that there wasn’t a crowd like there would be later when the movies let out and the baseball games were over. They carried their treats to Luke’s car and climbed inside. The sun beat through the window on the driver’s side, and he cracked his window, but after eating through half his cup of the cold, creamy frozen custard, the heat started to feel good.
“So how’d things go with Val today?” Mateo had been staying with Valerie Shubert, the wife of Luke’s coworker, during the day while Luke was at work. He’d assured Don and Valerie that next summer Mateo would be old enough to stay by himself, but with Maria’s death so fresh, Luke hadn’t wanted to risk it this year.
Mateo shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”
“Just okay?”
“It was fine. Except … a little boring.”
“Well, you know how to fix that, don’t you?”
Mateo eyed him suspiciously. “Don’t say chores.”
“Actually, I was going to say homework.”
“What? I don’t have homework. It’s summer.”
“Oh, don’t you worry, homework could be arranged.”
Mateo looked up at Luke from under his fringe of black bangs. A wry smile came to his face. “Um, yeah … Forget I said anything.”
Luke laughed. “That’s what I thought.”
He finished his ice cream and climbed out of the car to toss the cup and crumpled napkin into the trash receptacle near the building. When he got back behind the wheel, Mateo was still working on his cone.
“I’m going to stop by the post office and check on the mail while you finish your cone.”
Mateo gave a noncommittal grunt, and Luke put the car in gear, then crept through the parking lot, careful of the line of cars that had started to form at the drive-through.
There were half a dozen people in line at the outdoor window. From the corner of his eye, he saw a couple climb from a red Jeep Cherokee and walk up to the window. His breath caught. Joanna.
He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but her hands moved animatedly as she talked with the guy, who was cozying up to her a little too familiarly for Luke’s taste. The guy turned and Luke recognized him. Ben, the former boyfriend, from the other night. Apparently there was more to their friendship than she’d admitted.
Mateo followed Luke’s line of sight. “Hey! That’s Joanna!”
Before Luke could stop him, Mateo rolled down the passenger-side window and hollered. “Joanna! Over here!”
“Cut it out, buddy. She’s busy. She’s … with someone else.”
“So?” He shook his head and his bangs flopped over one eye. “You’re not even gonna say hi to her?”
“It’s not polite to interrupt when people are talking—”
“You did it. Just tonight.”
Luke squinted, trying to think what the kid was referring to. “Oh, you mean when we ran into Don and Val at Schnucks earlier?”
“Yeah. They were talking.”
“That’s different.”
“How?”
“It’s—Never mind. Just roll up your window. Please.” He pulled slowly around the lot, but too late.
Joanna ducked to look through their windshield and gave a tentative wave.
“They’re not talking now.” Mateo started to roll his window down again.
“Mateo. Cut it out!” He softened his voice. “Leave the window up.”
“Why?”
“Do what I say!” He hadn’t meant it to come out so sharply. Feeling like a spy who’d been exposed, he gave a half-hearted wave and kept driving. But the scene in his rearview mirror made him feel mildly nauseated. He patted Mateo’s knee. “I’ll explain later.”
Joanna laughed up into the face of Ben Whatever-his-face-was. The man’s hand rested at the small of her back in a much-too-familiar way, and she appeared not to mind in the least.
She’d asked for “a week or two” to pray about things, and Luke had been determined to give her the full two weeks. He huffed. Apparently, she’d gotten an early answer from above.
“What time is it anyway?” As they drove up the lane, the absence of lights in the cottage or in Britt’s cabin sent a frisson of alarm up Joanna’s spine.
Ben pointed to the clock on the Cherokee’s dashboard. “What’s wrong? You turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight or something?”
“I can’t believe it’s so late.”
“Time flies when you’re having fun?” Ben spoke the familiar adage as a question.
“It was a fun night. Thank you, Ben.”
“It was my pleasure.” He turned off the engine and turned in the seat toward her.
The simple action was so familiar. As if no time had passed since they’d been a couple. In love. Ben seemed to sense her thoughts and reached to brush a strand of hair from her face.
He let his palm linger on her cheek. She covered his hand with her own. But more in defense than affection. She wasn’t ready for this. Things were moving too fast.
He leaned across the console and she took a shallow breath, steeling herself for what her body wanted—his kisses, his caresses. But what her heart knew was wrong. It was too soon. She couldn’t promise Ben something she was so unsure of.
And even more so after seeing Luke tonight. It had only been a brief moment. And an awkward one at that. She hadn’t realized it was Luke and Mateo until they were almost out of the parking lot. But when her eyes met Luke’s, even with a windshield obscuring their vision, she thought something had passed between them. Something that demanded her acknowledgment. Her consideration.
She had promised Luke that she would pray. The implication being that she would let him know the outcome of those prayers. She’d done neither.
Ben had derailed her best intentions. And maybe Ben was the answer to her barely spoken prayers. But even so, she owed Luke an answer. It wasn’t right or fair to ignore him.
She felt awful that after all her insistence that there was nothing between her and Ben, Luke had seen them together tonight. Guilt tugged at her. She didn’t know how much Luke had observed, but despite her attempts to temper things, Ben picked up right where they’d left off a year and a half ago, putting his arm around her, pulling her close, flirting—and even kissing the top of her head while they waited for ice cream.
She’d made motions of pulling away, but then she came right back for more, flirting, encouraging him. The timeless rituals of courtship. But worldly courtship.
She’d known Ben would want to kiss her good night. Or more. They’d remained chaste during the time they dated, though just barely. She’d forgotten how insist
ent Ben could be, but of course, she shouldered equal blame. She hadn’t discouraged his physical affection tonight. Had encouraged it even. Being with Ben tonight—reviving a relationship that had already, in the past, moved through various levels of physical expression—had made her ravenous for physical touch, for the knowledge that someone found her desirable and sexy. She’d placed herself in a dangerous position, and even as she recognized how vulnerable she was, she couldn’t deny the physical attraction to this man.
She remembered his kisses, his embrace—remembered them vividly. And longing overwhelmed her. Yet somehow, she knew it wasn’t … authentic. Maybe Ben’s affection for her was genuine—though by the increasing urgency of his caresses, she doubted it. But hers were purely physical.
“Ben. No …” She pressed her hands against his chest and pushed him away. Hugging the passenger side door, she straightened her clothes and smoothed a hand over her hair. “I’m sorry. We can’t just … pick up where we left off. It’s too soon.”
He breathed in deeply, then blew out a stream of air. “Jo … I know you feel the same as I do.”
“I need time, Ben. I don’t know what … what I want.”
“Well, I know what I want.” He moved closer, reached for her again. “I want you. It’s always been you, Jo.”
“No, Ben. It hasn’t always been me.”
He leaned away, then seeing her face, he scooted back into the driver’s seat. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It wasn’t all that long ago when you told me you weren’t ready to be tied down.”
“I never said—”
“I remember your exact words, Ben. Believe me, I replayed them in my head every day for … for too long.”
“Okay. Maybe that is what I said.”
“Then you understand why I’m a little hesitant to just jump back to where we left off.”
“There’s a lot of water under the bridge, Jo. Things have changed. I’ve changed.”
“In what way? How have you changed?”
“How? … Lots of ways,” he sputtered.
She smiled, feeling triumphant—if a bit guilty. She wanted to hear him say that he’d changed such that now he would never leave her because of something like her mother’s illness. “I’d like to know what those ways are.”
Chasing Dreams Page 20
