“I like a swing.” He lifted his feet and let them sway. “Nice addition.”
“Yeah. I like it too.” The motion of the swing created a breeze that offered relief from the sticky August heat. But she couldn’t enjoy it until she knew why he’d come. Especially after everything that had happened with Mateo Tuesday night. She had a feeling that’s what this was about.
“I wanted to thank you for dinner the other night. It was delicious.”
“You came all the way out here to thank me for dinner? Again? You could have texted, you know.” She aimed for a teasing tone, but she feared it didn’t come out that way.
He gave her a sidewise glance. “That’s not the only reason. We need to talk.”
CHAPTER 42
LUKE SWALLOWED HARD. HE WISHED he could just forget the tangled details of their relationship and get back to the playful side that seemed to be what kept drawing them together. But this was far too important to sidestep. And it wasn’t fair to either of them to waste any more time together if Joanna couldn’t accept him for exactly where he was in life. Mateo and all. It didn’t help anyone to pretend they didn’t have a pretty significant hurdle to get over before they could move forward. If they could move forward. “It’s about Mateo,” he said finally. “You probably guessed that.”
Joanna nodded, an expression of … was it worry that creased her pretty brow? And why did she have to be so pretty? That wasn’t the only thing that attracted him to her, but it sure didn’t make things easier.
She folded her hands and slid them between her knees as if she were cold. Never mind it was eighty degrees and muggy as all get out.
He inhaled deeply. “Joanna …” Just get it over with, man. “I feel like we’ve gone round and round about this, and I’m at the point … We just need to figure this out once and for all.”
“I’m listening.” She stared straight ahead.
He raked a hand through his hair. It had all sounded so good when he’d rehearsed this little speech in his pickup on the way out here. Now, everything that came to his mind sounded stupid.
He put a foot down to stop the swing and sprang out of it, pacing the short length of the porch. “It’s like this, Joanna. I told you on the Fourth of July, that night at Muy Caliente, that I liked you. Well, I still do. I know it’s only been five weeks—and you were unconscious for one of them”—he caught her eye and forced a wry grin—“but here’s the problem. I like you even more. Maybe even love you. But I can’t change my circumstances and if you can’t accept me with all the baggage that comes with me, then I need to cut my losses and get out. Because it’s driving me crazy not knowing where I stand with you, and every day that I fall harder, I know it’s going to be that much worse when you tell me to get lost.”
He felt like they were going around in circles saying the same things over and over. But no … He’d crossed a line tonight. He’d revealed his love for her. And not in a way that any woman would want to hear that particular declaration.
“Luke, is that what you think? That I’m … ultimately going to tell you to get lost?”
He stopped pacing. “I think Mateo is a deal breaker for you … that as long as he’s in the picture we can’t go beyond friends. But if that’s the case, then sorry, that’s a deal breaker for me.”
She nodded and closed her eyes briefly.
When she looked up at him, her eyes gleamed with tears, and Luke braced himself for the inevitable. He’d known that pushing her this way might very well be the end of things for them. It was why he waited so long to issue an ultimatum. For a long time, he thought that being friends would be better than not seeing her at all. Instead, it had been torture. Falling in love with her more every time he saw her, all the while knowing that things would eventually crash and burn. And he’d be left without her.
He looked at her, mentally climbing into a suit of armor that he didn’t trust to protect his heart. “Go ahead. Get it over with.”
“I can’t lie, Luke. This isn’t how I pictured my life, my romance. With a junior high kid in tow. One who doesn’t seem to like me very much and—”
“He likes you, Joanna. Don’t take his … bravado too seriously. He’s rough around the edges. He’s twelve. He just—”
“Let me finish.” She wrinkled her nose. “To be honest, I still have a little trouble wrapping my brain around how things would even work with Mateo. With us. But here’s the problem …” She mirrored the wry grin he’d given her earlier.
“Luke, you are exactly what I pictured. Exactly. And … if you happen to come with a junior high kid in tow, then … I have no choice. I’ll adjust.”
Hope welled inside him but he pushed it down. He’d half expected this response, but he didn’t want her to … settle. “No. I don’t want you to adjust, Jo. I don’t want you to settle and then be sorry later. Not when you could have any man you wanted.”
She gave a little laugh. “Believe me, Lukas Blaine. I would not be settling. In fact …” She looked up at him, her expression sheepish. “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but since we’re in no-holds-barred mode tonight … One of my biggest fears has been that you’d find someone else. Someone who would embrace Mateo and be—” Her voice broke. “Be so much better for him than I am. Than I could ever be.”
“But you could be. Good for him, I mean. If you’d give him half a chance.”
“You’re right.” She hung her head, feeling shame for the attitudes she’d let fester. “I haven’t been good for Mateo. I haven’t even tried. But I want to change that. Not because I have to if I want you in my life, but because I finally realized that part of the reason I fell in love with you in the first place is because you have the kind of heart that would be a Big Brother to Mateo. The kind of heart that wouldn’t think twice about taking a kid like him into your home, into your life. Even when it came at great sacrifice.”
“The only sacrifice I’ve made was you. Risking not having you in my life.”
“I know better than that. You’ve given up a lot for Mateo.”
“No. I’m not saying it’s been easy. But the kid already had my heart long before Maria died. There is no way I could let him go into the system.”
“And that’s why you have my heart.” The swing creaked as she shifted, curling her good leg underneath her and adjusting the clumsy boot.
He stopped pacing and let the hope rise and expand.
“Earlier, you said I could have any man I wanted? Well, I don’t know about that. But here’s the thing: You are the only man I want. Because I’d rather have you—you exactly where God has you in life … Mateo included—than imagine life without you.”
“So … you’re saying—”
She reached a hand out to him and he took it. “I’m saying I’m all in, Luke. If you’ll have me, I want to be part of your life. And part of Mateo’s. And … I’m not perfect. I don’t know how to act with junior high boys, but I promise I’ll give it my best shot. And I’m sorry I made things so hard for you.”
He gave her a wry grin. “You did wreak a little havoc there for a while.”
“I’m so sorry, Luke.” Tears welled again and she blinked them away.
“Hey … hey, it’s okay,” he whispered. “I was only teasing. I didn’t mean to make you cry!” He cupped her face in his hands and smoothed away the tears with his thumbs.
She dipped her head. “Well, I should cry. I’m ashamed of the way I acted.”
“Joanna. Stop. You were only being honest about your feelings. I get that.” He drew her into his arms and rested his chin on her head. “I wouldn’t have wanted you to pretend. I’m glad you were honest—with me and with yourself. This way we’re both going into things eyes wide open.” He drew back and looked into those blue eyes he loved. “Beautiful eyes wide open.”
She closed her eyes. “I just wish I’d come around sooner.”
“No.” He placed a finger under her chin, tipping her face to meet his.
She opened her eyes
and met his gaze.
He cupped her face between his warm hands. “Stop wishing for it to be different than it was, Jo. We may never know the reasons everything went down like it did, and that’s okay. But we can trust that God knew what He was doing, even when we didn’t.”
“How’d you get to be so smart?”
“Who knows …”
She tilted her chin at him, obviously recognizing the prelude to a joke.
“Maybe if it hadn’t happened this way, you would have always wondered if you really should have chosen that Ben guy instead of me.”
“Oh, Luke.” She snuggled into his chest and shook her head hard against him. “Never. I wish Ben well, I really do, but he has a whole lot of growing up to do before he’s ready to make anybody but himself happy.” She gave a little gasp.
“What’s wrong?” Again, Luke leaned back to study her.
She sighed again. “It’s just sad how recently I was saying those very words about myself: ‘A lot of growing up to do.’ You were probably saying it too.”
“You know what? We all have a lot of growing to do. I’m just glad you and I are going to be doing it together.”
“With Mateo.”
“With Mateo.” He hugged her tighter, feeling grateful.
A little stunned, he plopped down on the swing, pulling her down beside him. “This is not how I thought this would go.” He turned toward her and folded her small hand between both of his. “I didn’t mean to say it so lightly earlier, Joanna, but … I love you. I do. I can’t seem to help myself.”
She bowed her head and leaned into him. “Oh, Luke. I love you too. And I think … with time—and patience—I can grow to love Mateo too. The way I need to. The way he needs me to.”
Disentangling their fingers, he put his arms around her, drew her head to his chest. “I know you will. And I promise, I’ll be patient with you. We’ll figure things out. As we go. It’ll be fun.” He drew back and tipped her chin up, hoping for a smile.
But her expression was pure tenderness. Toward him. For them. She reached up and cupped his face between her hands. “I don’t deserve you, Lukas Blaine, but I do love you. Oh, how I love you.”
He placed his hands over hers and bent to kiss her. Her lips were as soft as they’d always been in his imagination. But the sheer joy he felt at her declaration was more real, more solid than any dream. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to do that?”
Joanna laughed softly, her breath warm on his cheek. “Well, it couldn’t be too long because you’ve only known me since May.”
He kissed her again, then stroked a finger down the bridge of her nose. “Let me rephrase the question. Do you know how long I want to keep doing that?”
“For a very, very long time, I hope.”
“Only for the rest of your life.” The crickets started their afternoon chorus and Luke reveled in their symphony. And kissed her again.
CHAPTER 43
October
GUYS WIN AGAIN!” MATEO HOPPED off his chair, nearly toppling it over, and did a comical victory dance in the middle of the living room.
Jo laughed, in awe of the way Mateo had come out of his shell in the last few weeks. He and Luke had been coming out to the cottage for supper almost every Friday night since school started. It had turned into a routine game night with high guys-against-girls stakes. Losers did the dishes.
“Come on,” Britt pleaded. “How about best three out of five? Our team was distracted trying to serve snacks and keep your drinks refilled.”
“Oh, right. Try to make us feel guilty.” Luke winked at Mateo.
“Don’t fall for it, guys.” Quinn patted Phee’s hand in mock condescension. “These sisters always have some excuse why they couldn’t quite pull off a win.”
“They aren’t excuses.” Jo tried to look stern. “They’re reasons.”
“That’s right, reasons.” Phee gave her husband the stink eye and pouted. “Not to mention you dealt some lousy cards that last round.”
That earned a round of boos from the guys, but nevertheless, Quinn laughed and shuffled the cards. “Tell you what. If you win this hand, we’ll go three out of five. But if we win, we’re the undisputed champs, and you have to do the dishes without complaining.”
“Yeah!” Mateo slipped back in his chair, rubbing his hands together. “At least Jo can’t use her boot as an excuse anymore,” he teased.
Quinn and Luke piled on, but her sisters came to Jo’s defense. She couldn’t deny she’d jokingly milked that broken ankle for sympathy whenever the girls were losing. But she’d been relieved of the boot—and that excuse—at her checkup earlier in the week. She wasn’t quite ready to run a marathon yet, but she felt about a hundred pounds lighter having exchanged the boot for a sandal.
And having exchanged a begrudging attitude for one of sheer joy.
She shot playful daggers at Mateo, amazed all over again at the transformations that had taken place. Mateo, yes. He’d come out of his shell and found his place as if he’d always belonged to this little group around the table tonight.
But the transformation that astonished her even more was the one of her own heart. She felt such remorse that she’d been so reluctant to open her mind to Luke and Mateo as a “package deal.” She’d told Luke as much so often these past weeks that he’d finally forbidden her to apologize about it again.
And while she hoped Mateo would never learn of her resentment toward him, she’d tried to make it up to him in small ways. As a result, he’d quickly warmed to her. And she to him.
Quinn finished shuffling and dealt another hand. But twenty minutes later, the sisters had to concede defeat. Grumbling in unison, they slouched off to do the supper dishes.
Quinn went to the front porch, but came back in almost immediately. “Did somebody mean to leave the lights on up in the clearing?”
Britt gave a little intake of breath. “Oh, I bet that was me. I walked up there with my coffee to watch the sunrise this morning, but it was light when I came back down.”
“I’ll go turn them off.” Luke smirked. “Wouldn’t want to keep you from those dishes.”
“I haven’t been up to the clearing in over two months,” Jo said wistfully.
“Do you think you could make it now?” Phee looked pointedly at her ankle.
“I don’t know. I’d sure like to try.”
“You can lean on me,” Luke offered.
“Go!” Phee and Britt said in unison.
Britt took the dish towel from her. “We can handle the dishes. I know you’ve been itching to get up to the clearing.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course. Go.” Phee shooed her away.
“Where’s Mateo?” Jo looked around the cottage for him. “He’ll probably want to come with us.”
“No,” Quinn said.
A little too quickly, Jo thought. She appreciated her brother-in-law making an excuse for her and Luke to have some time alone.
“Mateo is playing with Melvin in the back bedroom,” Quinn explained.
“Okay.” Luke cocked his head. “If you’re sure you don’t mind watching him for a little bit?”
“Of course not,” Phee said. “You guys go.”
Luke held out a hand to Jo.
“Let me grab a jacket.” She ran back to her room and shrugged into a hoodie. Luke was waiting by the door when she returned. “Ready?”
“We’ll see if my ankle thinks I’m ready. You may have to carry me.”
He laughed. “Nice try.”
She looked up the lane toward the river. The woods all around them were ablaze with crimson and amber and a shade of yellow that glowed like fire in the waning sunlight. “It’s so beautiful out here. I love October! But I do hate that it’s getting dark so much earlier now.”
“Just wait till we turn back the clocks in a couple of weeks.”
“Ugh. Don’t remind me. But just look at this, Luke! It’s so pretty!”
“It sure is.
”
“I’m sure I’ve said this half a dozen times since we bought the property, but if Quinn had tried to sell us this place now, we wouldn’t have hesitated one minute. Not even Phee.”
Luke chuckled. “Especially not Phee. She got a husband out of the deal. But you’re right. You’d have been in a bidding war with a dozen other buyers if the place was on the market now. Except don’t forget the reason everything looks so great now is because of all the blood, sweat, and tears you guys have put into it.” He took her hand and twined his fingers with hers. “You three have worked your tails off.”
“Of course it didn’t hurt that God filled up that tributary and gave us a waterfront.” She pointed toward the banks behind the cabins where the river trickled musically.
“Good point.”
“And Quinn has done probably sixty percent of the work.”
“He’s definitely a keeper,” Luke agreed. “He’ll be a big help when you’re getting everything set up for your wedding venue too.”
She looked up at him, pleased he’d remembered her dream. “You really think that’s going to happen?”
He kissed her forehead. “Of course it is. You are a make-it-happen kind of woman.”
Her heart swelled at his faith in her. But she sighed and changed the subject. “It’s been so long, I can hardly remember what it looks like up there.”
They neared the base of the hill the clearing sat upon, and Luke put his arm around her shoulders. She’d grown to love his affectionate ways, even though he was always a bit reluctant when Mateo was around. But she’d noticed he was starting to be a little more demonstrative in front of the boy … as if he were gradually getting Mateo used to the idea that she and Luke were a couple.
She knew it was wise on Luke’s part, for Mateo’s sake, even if she wasn’t crazy about having to show restraint. Because the truth was, she was flat-out crazy about Lukas Blaine. And she didn’t care who knew it.
When they started up the incline that led to the stairway, Luke looked down at her with a concerned frown. “You doing okay? Do we need to slow down a little?”
Chasing Dreams Page 29
