He took a step forward and my breath hitched. I couldn’t take my eyes off his intense stare, but I saw his hand come up to my face out of the corner of my eye. I felt the slight brush of air past my cheek and waited for a kiss, but when his eyes dropped to my lips, his face hardened and he took a step back. I internally pleaded with him not to do this, not to walk away, but another step backward had him further away than it felt he had ever been.
When he turned on his heel and walked away from me, I finally remembered to breathe, but my heart was racing out of control. He got in a company SUV without a backwards glance and drove off, leaving me all alone. Again. I tried to tell myself that this was for the best. This was what I wanted after all. I wanted to be free of him until he was free of his demons, so why did it feel like I was making the worst mistake in the world?
CHAPTER TEN
Coop
“Shit,” Cap said, running his hand through his hair as we got in the truck. “That was painful.”
“What was?”
He glanced in the backseat to where Chance was sitting and did some weird eye shit, then looked back at me. “That,” he pointed to Becky who was still standing on her lawn. “That whole…” he waved his hand around toward Becky and then me, “thing…you just had with Becky. What the fuck was that? I thought I was having my fucking chest ripped out.”
I rolled my eyes at his drama and tapped the dash, signaling for him to get his ass moving. He put the SUV in drive and took off, but he kept glancing over at me.
“She dumped me.”
I heard a choking noise from Chance in the backseat, followed by a clearing of his throat. “She dumped you?”
“Well, yeah, that’s usually what happens when you fuck up.”
“You know,” Cap scoffed, “when I brought you on, I fucking told you to make her stay. I told you that you had a job if you could make her stay with the company and she’s been gone for how long now?”
“Look, I tried, but she’s determined to be separate from the company. She said she needs to expand her life or some shit.”
“Expand her life,” Cap repeated. “Expand it to what? What’s beyond Reed Security? I mean, we gave her everything she wanted. She had a man, until you fucked it up. She told me that’s what she wanted, and she fucking had it, so why did she still walk away?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Alright, then let’s move on to other issues. What the fuck did you do to make her walk away?”
I stared out the window and refused to answer. It was none of his business what happened, even though all these guys thought that going to one another for advice was the way to go. And they all gave shit advice. I’d heard it, and I couldn’t believe that any of them still had a female at their sides at this point.
We pulled into Reed Security and Cap glared at me. “Good talk, fucker.”
We got out, but before I could actually go anywhere, Chance was standing in front of me, arms crossed over his chest and a comical grin on his face.
“Something I can help you with?”
His grin widened and he took a step forward, trying to intimidate me. Like that would work, although, his grin was a little crazy looking. “We’re heading to the bar,” he said before walking around the front of the vehicle.
“Um…I’m not going to the bar.”
“Yes, you are. Get in.”
I opened the door and rolled my eyes as I got in, hating that I was just listening to him. “Aren’t you supposed to stay away from bars?”
“Alcohol. I’m supposed to stay away from alcohol. Bars are just places to hang out. I’m pretty sure that I can’t get in too much trouble just hanging out there with my new best friend.”
“Since when are we best friends? I barely fucking know you.”
“I think it’s time we remedy that,” he said with a smile.
The fucker was way too happy. Hadn’t he just gone through a bunch of shit? Shouldn’t he be a grumpy bastard that didn’t want to talk to anyone?
“Fine, I’ll bite. Why are we going to be best friends?”
“Because you need someone like me.”
“Oh yeah? And why is that? Because you’re fucked up like me?”
He slowly turned toward me with a confused expression on his face. “You think I’m fucked up?”
Now it was my turn to look confused, because after all the shit that happened with him, how could he not be fucked up. And I was talking about all the shit that happened when he got back. I knew nothing about the time when he was being held prisoner, but I had seen the fallout, though I tried to stay away from it.
“I think you went through some shit and I don’t know how you would come back from that and not be fucked up.”
He nodded, but didn’t say anything. He pulled into the parking lot for The Pub and threw the truck in park, shooting me a grin as he got out. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. Whatever he had planned, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to like it.
He grabbed us a table in the corner and then waved down a waitress. He grinned up at her and got a smile in return. “I’ll have a Shirley Temple, please, and my friend will have…”
He looked at me, waiting for my answer, but I was still stuck on the fact that he was ordering a fucking Shirley Temple. “Beer,” I finally said.
When the waitress walked away, I leaned across the table. “What the fuck was that about?”
“What was what about?”
“That.”
“That what?”
“Don’t pull that shit with me. What was the fucking Shirley Temple about?”
He shrugged as if he didn’t have a care in the world. “I’m in a fucking bar and I can’t drink, so I’ve learned to have some fun.” He grinned as the waitress approached. “Thanks, honey.”
She grinned at him as he took a sip from the dainty black straw, and then set down my beer.
“I’m pretty sure Morgan wouldn’t be too happy with you flirting with the waitress.”
“She’s seen it before. She knows I’m not flirting.”
“Then what the hell are you doing?”
“Saving face, asshole. If you order water in a bar, everyone fucking knows that you’re an alcoholic, and while I’m not ashamed of that, it’s more fun to fuck with people and make them think that I’m just fucking weird.”
I shook my head, not believing what I was hearing. I took a sip of my beer and waited for whatever the fuck we were here about.
“So, what did you do to push Becky away?”
Jesus, it was like these guys lived to interfere in each other’s lives. “What do you care?”
“I care because I have a feeling that you’re in the same fucked up space that I was in.”
“I’m not in any fucked up space,” I lied. “Maybe I just really suck at being a boyfriend.”
I cringed at calling myself a boyfriend. It made me sound like a fifteen year old kid.
“Yeah, nice title, right?” Chance grinned.
“Whatever. It doesn’t matter.”
“No, it really doesn’t matter, but what does matter is your woman. I saw the way you were looking at her. And the way she was looking at you. She was waiting for you to do something and you fucking walked away. So, tell me what happened.”
“Do you ever wake up in the morning and say to yourself, ‘today, I’m going to stay out of everyone else’s lives and just live my own’?”
“Look, I get it. It really fucking sucks having someone else dig into your life and look at you like you’re a piece of shit. Been there, done that. I was the fucked up son-of-a-bitch for over six months. And it took me even longer to be someone that was respected again. I have to say, though, you do a great job of hiding. You almost seem normal.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “I am fucking normal.”
He snorted and shook his head. “Sure. I get it. Keep telling yourself that, but your woman is going to move on without you. Are you ready for that?”
I shrugged like it didn’t matter, even though it really fucking mattered. “If she moves on, that’s her choice. I can’t stop her.”
“Wow. You really are in denial.” He shook his head and took another sip of his Shirley Temple. Watching him sip through that tiny little straw was really getting to me. How the fuck could he just sit there and drink from that straw like it wasn’t the weirdest fucking thing in the world. “Am I bothering you?”
“Could you put down the fucking drink? I’m actually ashamed to be sitting with you right now.”
His grin widened. “I’m getting to you, right?”
“You’re drinking a kid’s drink from a tiny fucking straw. Of course you’re getting to me.”
“Alright,” he said, setting down his drink. “I’ll make you a deal. You tell me what the fuck your problem is and I’ll put down the drink and order a water. Without a straw.”
“Or, I could just fucking leave.”
He shrugged and took another sip. “You could, but I think it’s about time we finally had this talk. And there’s no one else that’s going to understand the shit going on in your head better than me.”
I watched him drinking and considered my options. I really wanted him to put down that drink, but it also made sense to talk to him. He knew better than even me what was going through my head. He had been in a more fucked up situation than me. Maybe talking to him would help.
“Fine.”
He waved to the waitress, never taking his eyes off me. “I’ll have a water,” he told the waitress. When she returned and set down his water, he waved me on. But I didn’t know where to start. I had never had to spill my guts to anyone before and I didn’t know how to even begin.
“Becky is…amazing.” He nodded. “She’s…really fucking smart and she makes things better, even when I don’t fucking talk to her. But she’s also annoying because she wants to know all this shit about me, and I don’t want to tell her.”
“Do you love her?”
“I don’t know. I…” I swallowed hard and thought about every time she was in my bed with me. It was amazing, but not as amazing as it could be, because I was an ass and I didn’t let her in. She held back from me because I held back from her. “I really like her. I want things with her that I’ve never wanted with anyone before.”
“Not even your wife?”
“That was something I don’t even know how to explain.”
He nodded and drank some more water. “You know, I married my ex right before I left for the military. Going off to war will do that to you; make you go and make rash decisions that could potentially destroy your life,” he clarified. “That’s what it was for me. Had I not married my wife, I would have stayed in the SEALs and I would have been fucking happy until I was eventually killed in action. I always figured that’s what would happen to me.” He shook his head like he was trying to clear away bad memories. “But I did get out for her, and I was left holding my gear bag as she walked out the door the minute I came home. I questioned every fucking thing in my life after that. And I started using women to forget the wrong decisions I had made, but you know, you never really forget. And then I started working for Cap and my life seemed to have some order again. And I was good with the way shit was going.”
“But then Morgan came along.”
He chuckled slightly. “I did not see her coming. She was a jolt to my life. I tried not to fucking see it. Hell, I used her and she used me back. You know, Wes was going to burn her alive in my house, but she chose to go with him instead.” I watched his eyes as he stared off, probably rethinking those moments when he thought she was gone. “I remember driving to my house and seeing it up in flames. That was when I knew.”
“Knew what?”
His eyes met mine and a darkness took over. “That I fucked up the one good thing in my life. I didn’t realize that I had fallen for her. And then she was gone and I was wrecked. It was like when you want to go to a big game, but you’re not sure if you want to spend the money on the tickets. So, you wait and you think it over, but when you finally decide to go back and get the fucking tickets, they’re all sold out. Only, this is your life, and the woman you love is gone. That is what’s gonna happen if you don’t get your shit together. Becky will move on and you’ll be left wishing that you had just taken her when you had the chance.”
“But you don’t look like a fucking monster,” I pointed out.
He leaned forward in his seat, “You haven’t seen my scars. And maybe they’re not as bad as yours, but my head is definitely more fucked up. I didn’t give a shit about the scars. I mean, I didn’t want her to see them, but it wasn’t the end of the world when she did. That wasn’t my problem. For me, I got lost in the memories, and I kept fighting for control, but I never found it. I started drinking, but the nightmares never went away. And then I started needing to get fucked up and screw Morgan hard just to get some relief. I was like a fucking addict. I was using her every chance I got, and I was not nice about it. My addiction was so overwhelming that I didn’t even see I was hurting her. I am the fucking luckiest man in the world that I got her back.”
“How did you do it?”
“I gave up drinking. I went to rehab and saw a therapist. I took everything one day at a time and fought for my sanity. It was a long fucking road, but I got there, and now I have the life that I always wanted. And here’s the thing, I know you’ve got some fucked up shit going on in your head, but you’re nowhere near where I was. You don’t have a drinking problem. You’re a functioning member of society. And I hope to God that you don’t fuck Becky with the kind of anger and hatred that I did when I fucked Morgan.” I shook my head. “So, what is the problem?”
I took a deep breath and dove in. If anyone understood, it was him. “I have burns over fifty percent of my body. I look in the mirror and I see this disfigured piece of shit that doesn’t deserve a woman like that. I know my face doesn’t look that bad, but my side, my back, and my legs? It’s not pretty. And the one time that I showed it all to her, she looked at me with fucking pity.”
“So what?”
“Excuse me?”
He shrugged. “Do you think it’s wrong that she pities you?”
“That’s the last fucking thing that I want.”
“Did you ever think that her pity for you is that you had to deal with that shit? I really fucking doubt that she pities the fact that you have scars. She knows how you got them and what it cost you. She knows that it was a choice to put yourself in that position. She’s not fucking stupid. But I can almost guarantee that she’s looking at you like that because she knows it was fucking painful, and she knows that you spent months in the hospital recovering from that. She doesn’t like that you had to go through that, and I bet you my left nut that she hates that you see yourself as less because of a bunch of fucking scars. All she wants from you is to let her in.”
“I don’t want to let her in. I don’t want her to see that shit.”
“And what if it was her?”
“But it’s not her.”
“But it could be. Take Morgan, for example, she has scars that nobody can see, but they fuck with her head. Now, when we first came back, we agreed that neither of us wanted to share what had happened to us. And you know where that got us? Nowhere. We didn’t share anything, so we didn’t understand each other. There was shit that I found out about her that pissed me off so much that I wanted to go kill Wes all over again. And all the time that I was struggling, so was she, but we didn’t talk about anything, and that fucked with her more than me. It wasn’t until I got back from rehab that I realized how much I had fucked up with her. She didn’t want to speak to me. She would run the other way if I walked in the room. And I knew that if I ever wanted to have a chance with her, I had to get my own shit straight, and then I had to start over with her.”
“So, you think that by me holding back, Becky is too.”
“I can guarantee it. How is she supposed to give you everything when yo
u give her nothing? A hard fuck at the end of the night won’t make her love you. And saying sorry after you’ve fucked up for the fiftieth time doesn’t mean jack shit.”
“So, if I want Becky in my life, I have to give her all of me.”
“Every fucking shred of the man you are. Take it or leave it, but you have to give her that chance. And if you can’t do that, you have to fucking walk away from her, because a woman like Becky deserves to have a man that’s willing to lay it all on the line for her.”
I sighed and scrubbed a hand down my face. This all felt like way too much to deal with all at once, but at the same time, I got what he was saying. There was no half way. There was now or never.
“I don’t suppose you have some genius idea about how I go about this.”
He assessed me for a moment and then nodded. “Your biggest hangup is your scars. Go to her, strip down and let her see you for who you are. It’s gonna suck, and it’s gonna be fucking hard for you, but that’s the only way to really let her in. Don’t try and take it one step at a time. Bare yourself to her and let her see the man you are. If she’s the woman I think she is, you have nothing to worry about.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Becky
I got home from work and started working on my second job, building my business. As much as I wanted to just leave behind my day job, I couldn’t walk away from guaranteed money just yet. I mean, I had plenty in savings, but it would be stupid to walk away from money when I was trying to start a new business. I had been working on programming for the better part of an hour when Delaney walked in.
“Hey,” I said in greeting.
“Hey, what’s with the security detail?”
“What are you talking about?”
She jerked her head to the window. “The man in black sitting out on the curb. It looked like Coop, but I didn’t get a good look.”
I walked over and moved the curtains aside to look out. Sure enough, Coop was sitting in an SUV across the street. I waved and he waved back. My phone rang and I picked it up, wondering what was going to happen now.
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