I laid my head down again and closed my eyes, the possibility making my heart weep. I’d been baiting rapists without thinking about the consequences to anyone but myself. Had I actually scared some of them or had I merely taunted a bear into harming someone else?
“Jade, honey, I’ve got some pain killers on the way. Nurse will be here any minute.” Eddie came back into the room but I didn’t open my eyes.
“My head hurts, Eddie.” And it did, pounding away to the beat of my tortured heart. What a bloody fool I was.
30
Everything hurt. My insides, my outsides. Even my scalp, like the follicles. Yeah, they hurt too. And the painkillers only did so much. It was easier to stay asleep. Even with the nightmares. The horrid memories surfacing. I could almost accept Kassey’s death as a gift. She hadn’t had to endure the pain of healing. The humiliation of knowing that she had been defeated. Violated. Tortured. That was almost worse than the pain.
“Are you awake, Jade? Ready for a visitor?”
Arthur’s voice made me want to cry. I opened my eyes to see him poking his head in the door.
“Excuse me, you can’t just go in there…” Another voice came from behind Arthur.
“No, it’s okay.” I lifted my hand and feebly waved him in. “I’m awake.”
Arthur gave a glance over his shoulder then pushed the door open wider and walked in. The security guard nodded at me before closing the door again.
“Should I be worried?” Arthur carried a bouquet of flowers, an assortment wrapped in that crinkly plastic.
“What, that I have a guard on my door?” I tried to shrug, but grimaced. Not good. Pain radiated down my spine. “It’s just a precaution I’m sure.”
“Uh huh.” Arthur leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I didn’t know what to expect.” When he pulled away, there were tears in his eyes.
“That bad, huh?” I tried to smile but every pull of my muscles was close to agony.
“I was at the precinct when I heard.” He set the flowers on the window ledge then came to stand by my side again, clenching the bed rail. “I overheard Detective Bronson talking. Bastard didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me.”
“Why were you at the precinct?” I hit the button on the side of my bed and started the slow assent to a better upright position.
Arthur waved my question away. “Nothing serious. Just a follow up.”
“A follow up to what?”
And then I remembered. Devin Bells had been murdered. Her body hung and set aflame. The poor girl had probably been tortured as well. And the last thing I remembered about that was the caretaker scrambling to open the gate and Kiefer Jones running on the scene, screaming his head off. Things beyond that got fuzzy and were better left to my nightmares. “They didn’t haul you in for questioning, did they?”
Arthur winced. “I didn’t come here to upset you, Jade. I came to see how you are doing. Let’s not talk about that.”
I pushed myself up more, grimacing. “No, Arthur, I need to know what happened. How long have I been out of it?” Dozing in and out of consciousness, I hadn’t considered the passing of time. I hadn’t bothered to ask the nurses. “Was it really Devin Bells?” They would have confirmed her identity by now but part of me wished it wasn’t that girl. Not that I wished it on any other girl but that girl I had just talked to. That girl I felt like I could have saved somehow.
Arthur contemplated me for a moment, his expression all concern. I could see the battle waging. But then he must have remembered how stubborn I was.
“Yes, sadly, it was Devin who died. Such a horrible thing. Poor girl. And yes, I did get taken in for questioning.” He winced a little, sounding awkward. “Helen had a bit of a memory lapse with regards to my alibi that night. She told the police that I was home but then said she took a sleeping pill. I suppose she had; I was asleep at that time too. Either way, she effectively obliterated my alibi.”
That didn’t sound good. But the fact that he wasn’t currently in custody was a positive sign. “That must have been stressful.”
Arthur shrugged. He didn’t seem too worried. But he had never been too worried when it came to Eddie’s suspicions.
“It was a revolving door of suspects, or as they say, persons of interest. I had interactions with the girl, a painting on my wall done by her hand. I’m sure it seemed quite viable,” he said. “At least until Kiefer Jones confessed.”
“He what?” Although I suspected Kiefer of being duplicitous, I hadn’t expected him to be the kind of killer who outright confessed, if he was truly a killer at all. My investigation had been incomplete where he was concerned. With Kassey’s existence being a figment of my imagination though, it was probably safe to say that my judgment was untrustworthy.
“I don’t know all the details, but it appears that he has confessed to Devin’s murder in some capacity. It sent the department into a tizzy and my lawyer did the rest. So I’m free.” He spread his hands out. “And here to take care of you.”
“The nurses have that covered.” I motioned to the machine at my side and the dripping bag of whatever on the other.
Arthur rolled his eyes. “I’m talking about your mental health, dear.” He moved to the end of the bed and grabbed the chair that was there. He carried it to the other side of my bed where there was more room. “I’m not leaving this room until you talk to me. And I mean really talk to me. No more bullshit deflecting.”
I closed my eyes. Willed him to go away. But we both knew I was trapped. “I don’t remember.”
“Jade.” His voice was stern, like a whip cracking.
I opened my eyes, sighed and then swallowed the next lie. “This is going to take more than one session.” I felt tears pricking my eyes.
Arthur nodded. He folded his hands on his lap and leaned forward.
“I couldn’t let Kassey go,” I began, my voice cracking.
“Oh, Jade, honey.”
I talked for hours. Despite my jaw hurting and my body aching from sitting up for so long and my throat being dry as fuck with water doing little to quench my thirst.
I fell asleep at one point, mid sentence. Just conked right out and Arthur was there when I woke up. Drinking tea, waiting patiently for me to continue. And so I did. I told him everything. Even about my hunting.
“I should have seen it,” Arthur said with a sigh. He put the empty Styrofoam cup at his feet. “I knew you were struggling to accept her death. I knew that that would manifest in dramatic ways. Hallucinations, denial, repression and then fantasy. It all makes sense. You know this. The mind has powerful defences in place to keep the horrible truths from hurting us. You were coping in the only way you could.”
“And the hunting is something—”
“The hunting…” he said with a hard look. “Jade, the hunting is risk taking to the extreme. You want redemption. Forgiveness. But, honey, the person you want it from is dead.”
“I don’t do it because of that.”
“Kassey’s death has triggered your need for revenge. You believe that you owe her. Your patient, Sean Ray, tricked you into thinking that he was rehabilitated.”
“That’s what he said.”
“And so you stood no chance. He manipulated the system. He manipulated you. And that’s a horrible reality that you have to face. Not your fault. He was just better at it than you were, but that doesn’t make what he did your fault.” His voice rose with each word. “You must face it, Jade. What you’ve been doing is unsafe. And your current injuries are a testament to that. What did hunting give you?”
“Peace.”
“Did it really?”
I closed my eyes. Thought of Kassey. Her broken body. Her blood. The agony she must have endured while he’d been hurting her. Killing her. I opened my eyes again. “I wanted to make them pay. All of them. Men. Predators. For their unwanted attention. For the abuse and assault. For what could be.”
“So you baited men with a predilection toward rape and threatened the
m. Wanting to trigger some kind of post traumatic stress?”
I nodded.
“And do you think it worked?”
No. No, it hadn’t worked. Not with my rapist. All I’d done was instigate his rage. He’d been hunting me. That’s what I’d done. Let loose a wild beast set on his own revenge. I couldn’t answer Arthur. I couldn’t say it. I’d failed again.
Arthur sighed. “You need my help, Jade. You can’t shut me out again. Promise me you won’t and I will get you through this. I will find better ways for you to cope. I will keep you safe.”
But I like it, I wanted to say. I like hunting. I like baiting. I like seeing that fear. The shock that a woman, a small, unassuming, weak woman was able to terrify a rapist. To catch him off guard. To make him piss himself and vow to never, never ever force a woman against her will.
I liked it. And despite my failure, I didn’t want to stop. I just wanted to do it better. That made me a monster too. I knew it did.
“Jade.” Arthur spoke sternly again, forcing me to focus on him once again. “If you want revenge, I can help you get it. Just not this way. Not when the risk is so high. You and Steve, you’re the only family I have left. I can’t lose you to this.”
His words hit me. Hard.
I saw the truth in his eyes. Selfishness had guided me. I’d been questing for my own satisfaction. To get revenge. To teach a lesson. But what was the cost? I let the pain of my injuries remind me. The cost was too great. I couldn’t keep Kassey alive in my memory if I was dead too. She wouldn’t want that. I had to be smarter. More calculated than the predator. I had to beat him at his own game.
“Okay,” I lied.
Arthur slipped his hand through the rail and gently squeezed mine. “Good girl. We’ll get through this. No matter what they throw, we will bob and weave and continue to live.”
I nodded. Yes. I would play along. For now.
31
I think another day passed. I wasn’t keeping track of time well. Arthur left. I fell asleep. The windows showed me night, then day. I ate what the nurses brought me. And I felt stronger. Still in pain. But not so feeble. And restless.
I couldn’t just lie there. Not when there was a rapist gloating over what he’d done to me. I wanted to get the hell out of the hospital.
No matter what Eddie said, that there was a guard watching my room. I wanted to be home with my shotgun propped and aimed at the door. I wanted that motherfucking bastard to come and get me, see what surprise I had waiting for him.
Arthur’s warning flashed through my mind. Kassey had warned me too. I needed healthier ways to cope. But violence was in my blood now. Revenge was something I craved. And lucky for my attacker, I was in no shape to hunt. Not yet. But my resolve to right this wrong was firm.
Step one: Get the hell out of the hospital.
There was a knock on the door and my guard poked his head in. “You’ve got a visitor, Steve Caul.”
I sucked in a deep breath, then let it out and nodded. “Yeah, okay, send him in.” This would either help or hurt me. If there was one person who would give me a hand in breaking out, it was definitely Steve.
“Hey, sweetie.” He strode in with a bag from my favourite restaurant in his hand. “Brought you something edible.”
My mouth watered, my stomach growling, finally uncoiling and giving signs of life. “I feel starving all of a sudden.” I smiled, then winced. My face hurt. My jaw too. “I hope it’s something soft.” I tentatively touched my jaw.
He reached into the bag and pulled out a Styrofoam container. Garlic wafted through the packaging. “Pasta, should be okay for you to get down.” He opened it up and handed the container to me with a fork.
The smell of deliciousness hit me full force and my stomach rumbled. My first bite to my last, I didn’t really breathe all the way through, my belly expanding as I devoured something substantial for the first time in days.
Steve handed me a napkin and I popped the last of the food into my mouth. I couldn’t help the smile as I wiped my lips. “That was the best thing I’ve ever tasted. Thank you.”
He leaned down and kissed me, nothing aggressive. Tender, soft. It felt good to be caressed, to be loved if only for a moment.
I pulled back with a chuckle. “My breath is probably horrid.” I reached for my water bottle. “Haven’t had a chance to brush my teeth or anything.”
Steve held up a bag that I recognized. “I popped by your place and brought you some stuff. Your property manager let me in. I also had him change your lock while I restocked your fridge. You ready to bust out of here or what?”
I frowned for a moment, processing everything he just told me, a spark of anger flashing. “You had my locks changed?” I was vulnerable. Exposed. And now Steve was taking over my life and it made me feel, what? Fucking angry. Like I was losing control completely. “Don’t you think that was a little presumptuous?”
“The proper response is thank you.” Steve gave me a hard look. “Now is not the time to pull this shit, Jade. You’re in no shape to take care of things. Look at you—you’re a fucking mess. Weak. Injured.”
I felt those words like a slap. He couldn’t have known what they would do to me. How they would stoke that fire deep inside. I hated weakness. I hated vulnerability. I glared up at him and realized that I was wrong. He knew exactly what those words would do to me. When I opened my mouth to tell him to go fuck himself, he cut me off with another kiss. Soft pressure on my lips, a tender touch as he stroked my neck with his thumb.
“Don’t start a war right now, sweetie,” he whispered as he pulled away. “I’m here to break you out of this place. You want to go or what?”
Too tired to hold on, I let my anger fizzle. He was right. I could fight him later. For now, I needed his help. “How did you know I wanted to get out of here?” And what would I owe him if I accepted the offer?
Steve grinned in his cocky way. “Come on, Jade. I know exactly what you need and when you need it. The proper response is thank you and hell yes.” He motioned for me to slide to the side of the bed as he lowered the rail. “Get rid of that IV and I’ll help you to the bathroom.”
This was the way Steve worked. Somehow he always managed to convince me that I wanted whatever he was offering simply by using the right tone. As if his idea was the best, most intelligent idea ever. In this case he was dangling what I wanted. Home.
I sighed, knowing that fighting against him would be pointless and counterintuitive. I did as he bid, groaning a bit when my bruises brushed the wrong way. I looked down at my legs as they peeked out from under my hospital gown and was shocked to see all the black and green there. Especially on the side of my thighs. I felt the urge to cry. Really and truly. What that bastard had done was horrific. He needed to pay.
“The damage is done, sweetie. He’ll get his, you can count on that.” Steve held out his hand.
I fought hard to keep those tears back, swallowing a few hundred times as I closed my eyes and sucked in a few deep breaths. Okay, I can do this. I opened my eyes, zeroed in on my IV and pulled the needle out. Steve helped me up. I was wobbly, my steps sending shooting pain up and down as my muscles spasmed. My hips hurt—everything below the belt was tender and raw. I moved slowly, Steve at my side the whole way.
When I made it to the bathroom, I waved him off, bracing myself against the sink as he brought in the bag he’d packed for me. “Take your time and shout if you need help.”
I nodded and then turned my back on him, eyes downcast, waiting for that door to close before I looked at myself in the mirror. The way my face felt, like when I moved my lips or touched it yeah, it wasn’t going to be pretty.
I waited another minute before I worked up the courage and then slowly shifted my gaze up.
I gasped involuntarily. I’d definitely taken a beating, but it wasn’t quite as bad as I’d imagined. I wasn’t a monster with deformed bumps all over the place, at least. There was a gash on my forehead that had been tended to with a coupl
e of stitches and my left eye was a little black, not too dark though. My lips were cracked but that was more to do with the lack of eating and drinking I’d been doing. I had a bruise on my jaw, a nasty green blue one that extended from my ear to my chin. I touched my jaw and winced a little. Yeah, definitely took a hit there. My eyes were red, bloodshot. I craned my head to the side and saw finger marks along the side of my throat. Lovely. He’d strangled me. Fucking bastard. I’d have to do a more thorough assessment of my injuries once I was at home.
With a deep sigh, I turned to the bag Steve had hung from the hook on the door and opened it. He’d thought of everything. It was actually very considerate. It took me a while, but after I’d managed to brush my teeth and hair and struggle into the track pants and T-shirt, I felt more human. I had to forgo the panties and bra—things were way too sensitive and sore for that.
It was exhausting, which was depressing. All I’d done was get ready. Another thing to add to the list of charges against my rapist. He’d taken away my freedom and restricted me to the mobility of an old person.
Steve was waiting for me when I pushed the door open. “Ready?”
“What do you think you two are doing?” One of the perky young nurses walked into my room with a bottle of something in her hand along with a new bag for my IV. “You need to get back into bed.”
“I’m going home,” I said as I shuffled to the chair.
Steve dug into the bag for a pair of running shoes and socks. “She’s leaving in about five minutes. You want to go get the discharge papers ready, sweetheart?” His tone was patronizing, but most women thought it was cute.
Not this one though. She cocked her hip out and frowned. “She’s not going anywhere. She needs more fluid and the doctor has to check her stitches.” She looked at me. “Moving around too much is going to split you wide open again.”
I winced at the reference, knowing she was referring to my crotch area where I felt the most pressure and pain
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