by Quinn Loftis
She pressed her forehead to the wall and tried to take a breath, but her lungs wouldn’t expand. The walls felt as if they were closing in on her. Not only had she lost Alina, but now she’d been placed in the former female alpha’s shoes, and they were shoes Jacque knew she wasn’t worthy to fill.
“Why them?” Jacque wasn’t speaking blindly. She was addressing the Great Luna. “Why did you have to take them? Of every damn person on the battlefield, why them?” It was horrible of Jacque to think that someone else’s death would have been acceptable, but she felt like she could have handled it better if it had been someone else. Maybe it was because she was feeling Fane’s grief, and maybe it had something to do with the new pack bond that had attached her and Fane to the rest of the pack. Whatever it was, all Jacque knew was that at any moment she was going to fall beneath the anguish building inside of her. No person could hurt this much and not shatter.
She tried hard not to let her pain seep through the bond to Fane, but she couldn’t close it down completely or it would make things worse for him. He needed to be able to feel her presence to keep his wolf from taking over.
She didn’t get an answer from the Great Luna, not that she’d really expected the goddess to pop into her prison and sit down for a chat. Jacque didn’t know if any answer would help with the loss. She heard Slate’s little voice, just a sound of discomfort, and she immediately wiped her tears away and took a deep breath. She turned and walked over to the bassinet. Slate was wiggling, trying to escape the blanket in which he was swaddled.
“He’s strong.” Alina’s voice filled her mind, a memory of a conversation they’d had one night when Slate had refused to sleep, and Jacque was exhausted.
Jacque sighed. “He’s stubborn.”
Alina took Slate from her arms and began to slowly walk around the living area of their suite. “Rest, Jacquelyn,” Alina said. “Let me see if I can bring the little wolf to heel.”
If anyone could, it would be Alina.
“She’s not here, little wolf,” Jacque said as she leaned down and unwrapped her pissed-off son. He was practically glaring at the blanket wrapped around his arm. “You’re stuck with me.” She pulled off the offending blanket and lifted him into her arms. Jacque held him so he could look over her shoulder. Alina had made the comment once how Slate was just like Fane. Fane had always wanted to be up where he could see everything that was happening around him. He hated to lay down if he was awake.
“I got so tired of trying to rock him to sleep that I just let him bounce himself to sleep in his bouncy,” Alina said with a good-hearted laugh. “And I didn’t take him out after he fell asleep. I just let him stay there because I knew the minute I touched him, he’d wake up.”
“Dammit,” Jacque huffed out as she shook her head, trying to keep the tears from falling. As much as she knew the memories would be good, at the moment, remembering hurt so deeply.
As if her mind simply enjoyed torturing her, a memory of Vasile rose unbidden as she patted Slate’s back. Vasile had visited her one evening a few nights after she and Fane had been pulled from the edge of death. Fane had been asleep on the couch with Slate on his chest, also sound asleep. When she’d answered the door, she’d told him that Fane was asleep but to her surprise he’d said, “I’m not here to speak to my son. I’m here to speak with my daughter.”
More tears filled Jacque’s eyes at the word he’d used. He’d claimed her as his, and though Dillon was her biological father, she’d never really had a dad.
“Come on in,” Jacque told him and stepped back. Vasile’s presence immediately filled the room. His dominance and power was not something he could hide. It wasn’t an intimidation tactic. It was simply just who he was. They’d sat at the kitchen table and spoken in soft tones to keep from waking up Fane and Slate.
“How are you doing?” Vasile asked, concern filling his voice and eyes.
Jacque hadn’t answered right away. She’d weighed his words carefully because he wouldn’t have come simply to see her unless he’d wanted a genuine answer. This was not only an alpha concerned for a pack member, but a father concerned for a daughter. “I’m alright. I have my moments, ya know?”
Vasile nodded. “Being a new parent is scary. But the way in which you and Fane entered into parenthood … Well, it’s a bit different than the average person. You might be supernatural, but you aren’t invincible. It’s okay not to be okay.”
Jacque breathed in a shuddering breath and was shocked when he leaned across the table and wiped a tear from her cheek. “I guess I am a bit overwhelmed,” she admitted.
“I would be concerned about you if you weren’t,” he said. “I remember when Fane was born.” A smile lit up his face. “Alina was amazing with him, while I was a mess—worried that I was going to drop him or forget to feed him. I wasn’t sure how to balance my roles of alpha, husband, and father. Overwhelmed is a very good word for it.”
“But you managed,” Jacque said, not surprised because it seemed everything Vasile did, he did well.
“I made mistakes.” He chuckled. “And you will, too, as will Fane. You will learn from those mistakes. You will have to ask your child for forgiveness if those mistakes are a grievance against them, but then you keep moving forward. Don’t get stuck in a cycle of regret and fear because of the mistake, worried that you will make another.
“You have to keep living. We get one life. Thankfully, it is the only life that will be filled with pain, sorrow, and regret, as our next life, with our Creator, will be filled with only joy. But, in this life, we try and live every day realizing that it might be our last. Tomorrow is not promised to us. Every breath you take is one that could be your last. So with every breath, use your words to build up, and use your muscles and body to offer comfort, love, and support. With every breath, speak truth to drown out the lies. With every breath, fight for what is good, right, and pure.”
“Do you ever get tired?” Jacque asked, awed by his fierce determination to always do the right thing.
“All the time. But I ask the Great Luna for strength. She has not failed me, nor will she. She will not fail you. All you have to do is ask.” He paused and tilted his head in that wolf way, the same way Fane did when he was about to ask a question. “There is something more. What is it, heart of my son, mother of my grandchild? What troubles you?”
Jacque wanted to curse his perceptiveness. But instead, she sighed and decided to answer because she knew he would simply sit there patiently and wait. “Could she have made a mistake?”
He frowned. “The Great Luna?”
Jacque nodded. “I mean, Fane said I was made for him and he for me. That she made us true mates. But what if she got it wrong? I’m terrified that I’m not going to be strong enough to be the mom that Slate needs, not in this world. Being human was dangerous enough, but Vasile, this is a whole different level of danger. He’s only a baby and I’m a half-a-werewolf chick who has nearly died one too many times already. How can—”
“Stop. The Great Luna does not make mistakes. Fane is yours as you are his, and neither of you is perfect, nor are you perfect together. But you are one. Two halves of a whole. That’s the first truth. The second is that the Great Luna gave you Slate. He was destined to be your child before you’d ever met Fane. His life was planned, and you are the mother who was chosen for him. The Great Luna will equip you to be what he needs. The third truth, she gave you a pack. We will stand with you, beside you, or behind you if you need to be held up. You are never alone in this. Always look to the truth when you are bombarded by discouraging thoughts. Tell me a truth, Jacquelyn.”
“Fane loves me,” she said immediately.
Vasile smiled. “That he does. Another.”
“I’m supposed to be in this pack.”
“Without a doubt. Another.”
Jacque stared into the eyes of the Romania alpha and felt the pack cord that connected her to him and Alina. It was as if Vasile was magnifying it, drawing her attention to
it. “You and Alina love me, very much.”
His eyes were glassy with unshed tears as he gently patted her cheek. “As if you were our own, and not just because you’re the true mate to our son. You are pack, Jacquelyn. You are mine and Alina’s daughter, and you will always have us to give you anything you need.”
Jacque sucked in a breath as she pulled away from the memory, realizing she hadn’t been breathing, and she was very close to passing out. It was a precious memory she’d held close to her heart. No matter what any girl without a father says, there is a part of her that longs for the love of a father. And Vasile had given it to her with such openness.
“Luna.” Fane’s voice filled her mind. “It’s okay, beloved. It’s okay to hurt. I’ve got you, just like you’ve got me, I’ve got you.”
“I’m not okay, wolf-man,” she whispered through their bond. “I’m not okay.”
“You don’t have to be.” She felt his lips against her forehead. His voice sounded calm, but he couldn’t keep his true emotions hidden. He was holding it together for her.
“Tell me it’s going to be fine. Even if it’s a bloody lie, just tell me everything will be fine,” Jacque begged as she held Slate tighter.
“I will never lie to you, Jacquelyn. I love you too much.”
“Damn you and your love,” she said with half a sob and half a laugh.
“Don’t try to hide from me.” His voice turned stern. “You don’t bear this pain by yourself, understand?”
She nodded. “I’m sorry. I just didn't want to make things harder for you.”
“Ce am făcut vreodată ca să te merit,” he said.
“Translate please.”
“I said, what have I ever done to deserve you,” Fane answered.
“I’m noth—”
“You’re everything. And as wonderful a woman as my mother was, you are every bit as wonderful. You will be an amazing alpha female.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because my mother told me,” he said gently but firmly through their bond. “She said she knew the first time she saw you stand up to me that you would be a strong alpha female. She said that she knew you could lead because you didn’t see others as less than yourself. My mother loved you, Jacquelyn, and she would not have told me those things if she did not believe them completely.”
“How are you okay right now?” Jacque didn’t want to focus on the things he’d just told her because she knew she’d only sob harder if she truly considered the previous alpha female’s words.
“I’m not okay. Like you, beloved, I feel as though I’m dying. But if I let go and lose it, I’ll wind up hurting someone, and that would not bring any honor to my parents. At the moment, I’m just going to focus on how we can get you all out of the Order’s hands. When I have you and Slate back, then we will deal with our loss.” His tone was resolved, as if he’d just decided that he wasn’t going to lay down and die, and for that, she admired him. Because she was seriously having a lay-down-and-die moment.
Jacque felt his arms come around her. Though it was only the sensation from their bond, it still felt so good.
“Just let me hold you, even if it’s like this. Let’s just be here together, you, me, and Slate for a moment,” Fane said.
Jacque allowed herself to sink into the feeling of her mate. She held Slate close and began to hum the lullaby, and Fane hummed along with her. She had no idea how they were going to get through their loss. But for now, she was going to do as her mate asked and just be with him. Everything else could wait for a little while. It’s not like she had anywhere to go anyway.
“Soon, Luna,” Fane whispered. “Soon, you and my pup will be back where you belong.”
Chapter 16
“A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing…”
~ Human Bible, the Word of the Creator of humankind.
Dalton stood outside the Colorado pack mansion with his mate at his side. It seemed like it had been forever since he’d been here, and the place almost didn’t feel like home anymore. But it was. Since Lee had died, Dalton was now the beta of his pack. And he knew with everything that was happening, he had to step up and be there for Dillon, just as his alpha had been there for him. He could feel some tension through the pack bonds. It had been so long since he’d really focused on his pack it was odd to feel their presence again so strongly. Mostly, he felt Dillion’s power because the alpha was tied directly to his wolves, and now that Dalton was beta, his connection to Dillon had become stronger. Something was definitely wrong, but he couldn’t just go barreling into the house, heedless of the consequences, to find out. He had to consider that his mate was about to walk into a new, unfamiliar pack, and she was still dealing with the emotional consequences of Volcan’s mind games. She wasn’t fragile. He would never mistake her for that, but she was at a crossroads. She was going to have to decide if she were going to climb the mountain that would lead out of the valley of darkness she’d been walking through or stay in the pit where she was.
“You don’t have to be nervous,” he said to Jewel. He could feel her anxiety coming through the bond loud and clear.
“Did you know that the body's response to anxiety is called ‘fight or flight’? Your body releases a surge of neurochemicals to provide the physical resources to fight for one’s own life or flee to safety.” She rubbed her palms up and down her thighs as though they were sweaty.
Dalton reached over and took one of her hands and laced their fingers together. “So what’s your response to your anxiety? Are you about to fight our pack, or are you heading for the hills?”
She looked up at him, a small smile on her lips. “As if I could fight a den of wolves.”
He shrugged. “Your magic is unique, and you’re a healer. No one in any pack worth their hide would ever hurt a healer, so you could probably kick their butts without breaking a sweat.”
She laughed, and he felt her relax a little. “Why are you so tense?” she asked. Now that she wasn’t so focused on her own fear, she could obviously feel him through the bond.
“Something’s wrong,” he told her. “And it’s serious. I can sense Dillon’s stress.”
She started walking forward and pulled him along. “Then we need to get in there.”
Dalton frowned. “What happened to fight or flight?”
“Fight won out. Who knows what’s going on? There may indeed be a fight ahead of us. And this is a new neuro-response. It’s called ‘when our pack needs help, we get our butts in gear and help,’” she said, her voice full of determination. This was the Jewel who had faced down an evil fae hell-bent on turning her into a vile witch, who had tortured her and put her through pure hell for months. Jewel had come out intact, whole on the other side. Bruised and battered, but whole.
When they reached the front door, Dalton pushed it open without knocking. He could hear tension-filled voices and growls. He followed the noise until he was in the large den of the pack home.
The first thing he noticed was Dillon. He had both hands braced on the back of the large couch, and his head was bowed. Dalton could tell by the alpha’s tense body that his leader was holding it together by a thread. When he looked around the room, Dalton saw Aidan, now third of their pack since Phillip had died, and the man appeared resigned, his jaw tight and his arms folded across his chest. The third gave a head nod to Dalton but didn’t say anything. Dalton continued to survey the den. He saw Fane, the Romania alpha’s son. The young man was kneeling on the floor, and Decebel, the Romania pack beta, knelt next to him, his arm across Fane’s shoulders. Decebel held the younger male tightly against his body and spoke in a low tone in their native language. Something was seriously wrong.
“Alpha,” Dalton said.
Dillon’s head snapped up. His eyes were glowing brightly with his wolf, and Dalton felt the need to bow his head under the weight
of his alpha’s dominance. He lowered his eyes as he continued to speak. “Adam brought us back. Volcan has been dealt with. Cyn showed up in Peri and Lucian’s home and explained that the Romania pack Keep has been attacked by the Order. Because of that, they felt it was time we all returned to our packs.”
“The Keep has been attacked?” Dillon asked, his voice a deep growl.
“That is what Cyn said. She said it was bad,” Dalton explained. “But Peri would not allow us to go and help. She and Lucian said we had to return to our packs.”
“That’s not their decision to make.” Dillon’s wolf was snarling. “But I do wonder why they didn’t send for help.”
Dalton motioned toward Fane. “I imagine it has something to do with why he and Decebel are here and not in Romania.”
Jewel stepped closer to Dalton, but she didn’t attempt to hide behind him. “I hope I can help with … whatever needs to be done,” Jewel said. She’d noticed Fane, too, and Dalton could feel the magic in her. Her innate need to heal, to fix the pain that was within any wolf, was drawn to Fane’s obvious pain.
“What happened?” Dalton asked as he glanced back at the two Romania pack members.
“Vasile and Alina are gone.” It was Decebel who answered, though he didn’t lift his head or take his attention off of Fane.
“No,” Dillon growled so loud that the room vibrated with his rage.
Dalton felt as if the air had been punched from his lungs. He had no idea what he’d been expecting them to say, but it hadn’t been that.
“Let’s step into the other room,” Dillon said as he turned and headed for the hall leading to a smaller sitting room. Aidan followed, and Dalton and Jewel fell in step behind him.
“Where is the rest of the pack?” Dalton asked once they were out of the den.
