by Gemma Rogers
We sat for a few minutes and watched the people bustling. The square was always busy, rows of shops either side and in the centre the council had built a water fountain. I watched the spray shoot up into the sky and rain down into the stone surround.
‘Next thing we need to do is feed you up. You look starved. Shall we get a kebab on the way home?’
I wrinkled my nose; kebabs weren’t on the top of my junk food list.
‘What about something from the bakers?’ I said instead. Hot sausage rolls or Cornish pasties followed by carrot cake made my stomach growl appreciatively.
‘Okay, good idea. And if you aren’t planning on being a hermit tonight perhaps we could order a pizza and watch a movie. I’ve got a night off. What do you reckon?’
I hesitated, hoping Ben didn’t assume this was leading to something. We’d been living together for around two years but had never hung out before. This was new territory for both of us.
‘Sure. Thanks for being a good mate.’ I cringed as the last word left my lips, but Ben didn’t seem to notice, or if he did, he didn’t take any offence.
‘Well, if anything happens to you, I have nowhere to live so got to keep you alive at least!’ he said, bumping his shoulder into mine. I tried my best not to flinch.
On the way back, we took a detour to visit the bakery. Clutching our spoils, we approached Blackwater Lane on our left, which was where the other entrance to the park was. The one I never made it to. My whole body tensed when the road came into view and a wave of nausea washed over me. I couldn’t see the entrance to the park, but knowing it was there was enough. Facing forward, I marched on, speeding up until out of the corner of my eye, a glimpse of yellow caught my attention.
I stopped dead in my tracks, staring. There was a bright yellow rectangular police sign on the entrance to Blackwater Lane.
INCIDENT HERE printed in black letters and scrawled underneath in black marker.
INDECENT ASSAULT
Grove Park 24/09/2017 @ 8:30 a.m.
Witnesses please contact Crimestoppers
0800 555 111
Ben prised my fingers from his arm, tiny half-moon indentations left on his skin. He sensed my distress and carried on walking, propelling me forward.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away, a cold sweat developed in the small of my back. I was mortified. As though the sign had announced my name. We hurried back to the refuge of the flat. I’d had enough fresh air for one day.
Later, when Ben was out picking up the pizza, I had a call from Detective Emmerson. She asked me how I was holding up and said she wanted to get in touch to give me an update. She was pleasant, but I couldn’t miss the detached tone of business in her voice. She informed me that during the initial search of the area, no condom was found. If he’d used one, then he’d likely taken it with him, but they had searched all the bins in the vicinity of the park and were sifting through the rubbish. They’d retrieved CCTV from some residents in the surrounding streets, at both entrances to the park, and were looking through those images. My clothes were at the lab being tested, but no results were available yet.
‘We’re looking at historic cases to see if there’s any links. Also, I need to ask you to look through some identity photos of potential suspects in the next few days, if you wouldn’t mind coming back to the station?’
‘Sure,’ I replied. I was positive that even though I barely saw him I’d be able to pick those eyes out anywhere. She said she would call back to arrange a date, before going on to recommend the charity Victim Support, who were great in cases like mine. I took down their contact details, saying I would check them out.
Our conversation left a bad taste in my mouth. Emmerson didn’t say it, but I was certain she thought he’d attacked before. As did I. He knew what he was doing; he was too calm, completely in control of the situation. I couldn’t believe it was his first time. They would catch him, wouldn’t they? Surely with his DNA, which must be on some of my clothing, he would be found. If only I hadn’t taken that bath, they might have had more and been able to find him in the system. Assuming he was in the system at all. It hadn’t crossed my mind he wouldn’t be. Unless he’d never been caught?
7
Him
She smelt like blossom. The scent of her shampoo drifting upwards as I yanked her hair and felt her quiver beneath me. I’m sure she enjoyed it although she barely made a sound. I can still smell her on my gloves. How I wish I could feel her again, this time skin on skin. So small, cowering like a mouse. It made me harder than I’d ever been.
I got lucky, I hadn’t intended to walk that way, cautious to change my route. It was a last minute decision which turned out to be a fortunate one, for me anyway. She was crossing the road as I came round the corner. I held my breath, waiting to see if she would enter the park. I thought she must have been a sign. Sent just for me. Her ponytail bounced as she walked, petite hips swaying back and forth. She had me captivated and I couldn’t resist.
She’s been the finest, of all of them. I was reluctant to let her go, but I must be careful. I can’t leave anything behind. Desire makes you stupid, clouds your vision and I need to be one step ahead, but one thing is for sure, I can’t wait to see her again.
8
Sunday 28 January 2018
‘Did you become friends?’
‘It didn’t happen overnight. We just started speaking to each other whenever we were at the gym. He knew the manager, everyone seemed to like him. I liked him.’
‘What sort of person would you say he is? Sorry, I mean was,’ Becker asks, stumbling over the last word and fiddling with her sleeve.
I ignore the mishap, but Hicks gives the slightest roll of the eyes.
‘Nice, friendly. Genuine. Loved his workouts, bit of a fitness freak. Just normal, you know.’ I rub my eyes. I don’t have to pretend to be tired. I’m exhausted. Must stay focused.
‘When was the first time you saw him outside the gym?’
‘I’ve only seen him outside the gym a few times. The first time there was a group of us; we went for a drink on a Friday after a session. He asked me to come along and I thought it might be fun. I just went for one, but it was nice to get to know the people I’d been training alongside. At least to know their names.’
‘Do you remember the date?’ Becker is primed, notebook in hand.
‘Sure, it was before Christmas, around the eighth, I think. I know it was a Friday and we went to the Half Moon,’ she nods as I speak, scribbling.
‘Who was there?’
‘There was me, Ian, Charlie, Sam, Laura, James, Beth and the manager, Ahmed. I think that was everyone.’ It’s easy to reel off a list of names. They go out regularly and I would often see them all leave together, but it was the first time I’d been invited. I’d finally managed to infiltrate the group.
Now they will check the CCTV. I’ll be sat in the corner, clutching my Diet Coke. I was only there for an hour and it was okay. A lot of dull exercise talk. A discussion on the benefits of protein shakes and the best trainers for long distance. A pre-Christmas celebration, which I believe went on until late. They’ll be able to see Ian sit beside me, the two of us engaged in animated conversation. When I leave, they’ll see him follow me outside to say goodbye and give me a kiss on the cheek. They’ll see him staring after me for a touch too long as I walk away into the night.
Saturday 30 September 2017
Over the weekend, I made myself leave the flat. Ben and I went food shopping, larking around the aisles like kids. I felt safe with Ben, but I couldn’t stop myself from looking over my shoulder. I felt he was with me everywhere I went. We bought mostly convenience food, resigned that we were living as students anyway. Students with a little more money and better kitchen equipment. I was putting more and more on my credit card, living beyond my means and burying my head in the sand. I would sort it out soon, once I was back to myself. I made a couple of trips to the newsagents by myself for cigarettes. I was still smoking like a trooper, a
nd I’d forgotten how expensive it was. I promised myself I would quit.
On Saturday I ventured out to the library on my own; it was somewhere I felt safe. Quiet, with a few people milling around and no crowds. Getting there was fine. The anxiety lessening with each trip out. I got lost in the books and picked up some light reading, immersing myself. Dusk crept up on me, apparent from the switching on of the library lights. God, how could I have been so stupid? Looking out at the darkness descending like a blanket made me shiver. I felt trapped. I could ring Ben to come and meet me? No, that was ridiculous. I was an adult and able to walk home in the dark like everyone else. I repeated the mantra in my head until the sliding doors closed behind me. Shutting me out of the warmth and safety of the building.
I stood alone on the pavement. Outside noises filtered in, revving engines and car horns distracted me as I hurried along. It was hard to shake the feeling I was being followed. The sound of my feet slapping the pavement echoed every time there was a break in the traffic. My pace was fast, heart pounding with each stride, but the journey stretched on. Seeming far longer than on the way there. Everything’s fine, just keep going. He’s not behind you. Was he though? How I could I tell? Had he picked me specifically or had I been in the wrong place at the wrong time?
I balled my hands into fists, power walking, legs pumping as I marched along. My anger propelling me home. What had I become? That bastard. My faceless attacker. I hated him more than I’d ever hated anyone. I didn’t know who I was any more. Everything had changed; everything I’d taken for granted. The freedom to walk down the street without a care in the world. I hated being so weak. He’d turned me into a prisoner of my own anxiety and I wasn’t safe anywhere except inside my own four walls. I’d been stripped of my liberty, my confidence crumbled. He’d made me a victim.
When I got home, I was a panting, sweaty mess. I shut myself in my room. I wasn’t making progress at all, if anything, I was going backwards.
‘Why don’t you book a doctor’s appointment?’ Jane said, when I spoke to her on Sunday and told her about my disastrous visit to the library.
‘I don’t know. I not sure I want to talk about it with anyone else.’
‘I think you’re being a little hard on yourself, Eve. You’ve been through a lot and maybe you need a little intervention. Something for the anxiety.’
‘Maybe,’ I replied, half-heartedly. I heard Jane sigh down the phone.
‘I wish I could come over.’ I knew she was working. She had the stamina of a racehorse, her plans to travel around Asia and America spurring her on. Sometimes I thought about going with her, being part of her adventure. I wasn’t sure I was that brave, especially not now.
‘I think I’m going to try and go back to work tomorrow. Perhaps some normality will do me good. Back to the old routine, so I don’t think about it so much.’
Jane thought it would be a good idea The line crackled and I could hear the booming tannoy overhead.
‘I’ve got to go, hon, they’re calling for me.’
We said our goodbyes and I hung up. Dread washing over me at the thought of going back outside tomorrow and making that journey to work. At least it would be daylight, but I knew I’d be looking for him in the faces of the commuters. Seeing him around every corner, in every window.
9
Monday 1 October 2017
When my alarm went off on Monday morning, I woke with a knot already formed in my stomach. It sat like a brick, refusing to move. I couldn’t eat anything, instead relying on a cup of coffee to energise me. Would I be stared at by the staff? No doubt, pretending they weren’t. Would they whisper about me? I’d be poor, broken, Eve. Well, fuck that.
Riffling through my wardrobe, I put on my smartest outfit – a grey trouser suit with a cream pussy-bow blouse. Pulled my hair into a chignon and put on some make-up, a first in over a week. A professional and confident woman stared back at me from the mirror, but it was a fabrication of how I felt on the inside.
Thankfully, the office was a short walk from home. Public transport would have been out of the question. Lots of people were on their morning commute, hurrying to start their day. Workers in fluorescent tabards were digging up a portion of the pavement to get to the water pipes beneath. Hemmed in by barriers, a sea of people swarmed towards me like an army marching on the enemy. I had to duck into a urine stained doorway to avoid being swept up in the crowd. I waited for them to pass, the back of my neck prickling with trepidation. I could do this.
I pushed forward and made a path for myself, veering off the main drag and around the corner where the office was situated. It was just before nine, but there were people I recognised at the bus stop smoking already. No matter what time of day, someone from our office would be there. Whispering travelled on the breeze as I passed. ‘Is that her?’ It was just as I had feared.
My phone buzzed, vibrating my handbag. A text notification popped up on the display and I was surprised to see it was from Ben. We’d swapped numbers when he had moved in, I was his landlady after all, but he’d never texted me until today.
Good luck, you’ll be desperate to come home by lunchtime!
His message made me smile. I didn’t realise, when I picked him out of the other applicants, he’d be such a godsend.
I resisted the urge to have another cigarette before entering the building. I was just putting off the inevitable. The fluttering in my stomach seemed to be a constant feeling and I wasn’t getting more than a few hours of sleep a night. I saw him everywhere, imagining his face, trying to fill in the parts of it that I didn’t see. I shook the thoughts from my head. I had to focus on work and get my life back to some sort of normality.
I hurried through reception, scanning my badge to gain access to the lifts. Inside, I stood at the back, waiting for the door to close, and rummaged in my handbag for a mirror. My hot flush so intense, I was concerned my make-up was sliding off my face. I was sure sweat patches would be visible under the arms of my blouse.
Someone slipped in just before the doors closed. A man stood with his back to me. Black trousers, black shoes; my gaze drifted upwards. The back of his head was sheathed in black fabric. Was he wearing a balaclava? I froze, holding my breath. My attacker had followed me to work. I had to get out.
Stretching my arm to reach for the panel, it was too far away, and I was worried the movement would cause him to turn round. The lift jerked into action, throwing me off balance, then slowly ascending. I had to find a weapon, something to protect myself with, but I couldn’t move. I pressed myself to the back wall, not daring to make a sound. Waiting for him to turn. How did he find me?
Seconds later, the lift came to a halt with another jolt. My lungs screamed for air, heart hammering. I stared at the back of his head, the need to urinate becoming more urgent by the second. The doors slid open and he turned back to look at me.
‘Oh, hey Eve, didn’t see you there,’ Gurpreet said, stepping out of the lift.
I coughed as I inhaled, filling my lungs up. It wasn’t a balaclava. Fuck’s sake, Eve. Gurpreet always wore a black turban. Idiot. I was losing my mind.
I hurried to the sanctuary of the toilets, relief turning my muscles to mush. I had to get my shit together.
After I’d spent five minutes in the toilets calming down, I skulked to my desk. It was spotless, like I’d never existed. Everything had been tidied into drawers. It took three attempts before I logged on to my computer, having forgotten the password. Eventually Outlook opened to reveal around fifty emails sitting in my inbox. Gathering from some of them that I had missed a major company announcement, I scrolled through to find it. Tapping my mouse, an email from our CEO filled the screen. We were being merged with another distribution company. Thank God I wasn’t here for all the drama last week. There would have been tears and panic; not to mention a large amount of arse kissing from those worried about their jobs.
I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm. Nothing seemed important any more. W
ork was trivial.
‘You’re back! How are you?’ Stuart, my boss, appeared at my desk, his lips pressed into a hard line.
‘Okay, thank you.’
He fidgeted with his tie, neither of us knowing what to say next. His eyes wandered and came to rest on my screen, displaying the announcement.
‘Big changes coming, I’m afraid. Looks like we might all have to re-apply for our jobs. Well, that’s the rumour. It was a bit of a shock last week.’
‘Is the company in trouble?’ I asked, feigning interest.
‘No, the one we’ve rescued is, but now for every job there’s two people vying for it.’
I frowned, trying to look concerned but unsure if I was pulling it off.
‘Anyway, I’ll let you catch up. If you need anything, let me know. If it’s all a bit too soon and you want to take a few more days, then by all means do.’ He strode into his office, closing his door.
I sighed, glad the awkward exchange was over. The call of my bed was loud. I wanted to be in my comfy pyjamas, enjoying the sanctuary my bedroom had become. If only Stuart hadn’t planted the seed. It was tempting, but if I went home, I would never come back.
Work dragged. I only left my desk twice, the first time to use the ladies’. The feeling of eyes on me as I passed made me jittery and I couldn’t wait to get back to my desk. The second time, I joined Debbie for a cigarette outside. She wouldn’t take no for an answer, insisting I accompanied her.
‘How are you doing?’ she asked, her voice shrill. It grated on me and I struggled to hide it.
‘Okay. Don’t want to be here. You know.’ I shrugged.
