by Gemma Rogers
14
Tuesday 10 October 2017
I couldn’t tell Ben that, to a certain extent, he was right. Everything I did now was because of him. A knee-jerk reaction. My nameless attacker, who’d left me scarred, not physically, but in other ways. On the inside – scars that didn’t show. Ones that didn’t heal. I couldn’t tell Ben about the rage that boiled inside, threatening to escape all the time. I didn’t mention the man whose face I screamed into for no reason, except being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The emotion was alien to me and I had no idea how to control it. The only way I felt better was pounding the punchbag or the pavement. When my muscles screamed, the anger was channelled.
Before, I was so chilled out. Now a part of me was broken and I wasn’t sure if it could be fixed. I didn’t feel as scared as I had, not when I was outside. But the nightmares persisted, each one different; all with the same ending. My body, beaten and bloody, naked and exposed, left in the dirt.
My train of thought was interrupted by Ben reaching across the table and placing his hand on top of mine. I stared at it, not wanting to meet his gaze. It felt warm and safe.
‘I’m sorry. It’s none of my business.’
I pulled my hand away and got up, retrieving the cheesecake I was no longer interested in eating from the fridge.
‘It’s fine. Priorities change, that’s all. I’m going to take some time out, carry on with my training. Maybe do something else. I don’t know.’
Ben nodded but didn’t speak and we ate our dessert in silence. I struggled to swallow the cloggy sweet mixture. The evening had been spoilt and I wasn’t sure I could pull it back.
‘You’re going to be rolling in the money then, eh? Steak every night?’ Ben’s tone changed, and the mood lifted, the atmosphere dispelled. If only it were true. If I was lucky, the redundancy would cover most of my debt but wouldn’t be enough to live on for long.
‘I’m not cooking for you every night. Get yourself a wife if you want that,’ I retorted, grateful the banter had resumed.
‘Well, I’m on the lookout. In fact, I’m inundated, as you can imagine.’ It was as if a cross word hadn’t passed between us.
Ben helped me to wash up even though I protested and then we finished the bottle of wine, watching the shadows the candle created flicker around the room.
‘Thanks for dinner, it was lovely. You cook a mean steak.’ Ben’s brown eyes twinkled, his eyelashes long and dark. Ones women would kill for. My chest fluttered, I’d seen something different in Ben.
It may have been the clothes, or his hair, or even the wine, but when we said goodnight I didn’t protest when Ben leaned in to kiss my lips. He stared at me afterwards, as if surprised by his actions. There was no awkwardness and we giggled, unsure how to proceed. He stepped closer again, over the threshold into my room. It wasn’t until Ben placed his hand on my cheek as we kissed that he appeared. I was back there, behind the café, his gloved hand stroking my face. My throat tightened, and I pushed Ben’s arm away, the moment gone.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, retreating into the hallway. Did he think I was a tease? If only he could see inside my messed-up head.
‘It’s me, sorry. It’s just he did that.’ I raised my hand to my face, tears springing from my eyes. On tiptoes I gave Ben a quick kiss on the cheek and slipped inside my bedroom, closing the door on the exchange in the hallway. I was an idiot. Could Ben and I be more than friends? I was paralysed, unable to move forward. It was ridiculous, but how could I change it? Maybe it would take time?
Perhaps if the police had taken more of an interest. If they’d found him and I knew he wasn’t still out there; probably wandering the streets and hurting other women, I’d be able to get over it. Maybe he wasn’t looking for other women. What if he had only been looking for me? No, surely not. He was a predator, an opportunist. I was sure it was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It couldn’t have been targeted, could it? Had I been followed?
With my mind whirring, the sleep that followed was broken. As it was every night since it had happened. Nightmares continued to plague my subconscious. I’d have to go back to the doctors’, perhaps I could get some sleeping pills? In the most recent nightmare it was Ben chasing me through the streets, but when he caught me, his face morphed into my assailant. His grip was so strong, I couldn’t get away.
I rose early on Wednesday morning, pleased to see my period had arrived. It confirmed I wasn’t pregnant although I doubted I would have been anyway. I was sure my attacker had used protection to ensure evidence hadn’t been left behind. I took an intermittent jog to the boxing club around eight o’clock. The sky was a threatening grey and fog lingered low to the ground. The rape alarm would be delivered this week, then I could carry it with me. I knew I would feel safer.
When I arrived at the gym, there were no cars outside. I was alone. Jason had given me the key code to open the thick metal door. Inside, it was pitch-black and I panicked, sliding my hand over the wall to find the lights. My heart jumped into my mouth as I fumbled around. Where was the damn switch? Finally, I made contact with the plastic panel and the fluorescent strips flickered, then powered on. Their intensity stinging my eyes. The silence was eerie, such a big open space with only me inside. Every sound I made echoed.
Trying to ignore the feeling I wasn’t alone, I skipped for a minute or so as fast as I could, listening to the rope smack the mat over and over again. Blood pumped around my body and I put on the gloves Jason had loaned me. They were difficult to fasten by yourself. I danced around the bag, imagining his face every time I struck it. Punching until my knuckles were tender. My shoulders and arms were already looking defined and I was lifting more than when I started. I was stronger and more capable than ever. Grateful to Ben for introducing me to this outlet and Jason for being my unofficial trainer.
When I finished my workout, I left the club the same way I found it as no one else had arrived. Despite being sweaty, I detoured past the sports shop on the high street and purchased a new pair of running trainers. They set me back over a hundred pounds, but I was pleased. They were an investment and it was good to learn my credit card was still working.
When I got home, Ben had left the post on the kitchen table. No demand letters thankfully, but my redundancy offer was there, along with another bearing the NHS logo, which was most likely my psychiatrist’s appointment. I tore open the letter from work, hoping to find a sum that would solve all my problems. My heart sank at the figure, it was only just enough to cover my debts. They’d offered me £3,956 and that included an enhanced figure of £2000 because it was voluntary. I could argue for more, but it was unlikely I’d get anywhere.
I typed a text to Debbie.
Hi, how are you? How are things there? Can you let Stuart know I’m going to come in tomorrow please? If you’ve got time we’ll grab a coffee. Xxx
I left the kitchen and went for a shower, standing under the hot water for a long time. Trying to figure out what to do. I’d have to ask Mum for a loan, but before I did, I needed to add up exactly what I owed.
In my dressing gown, with a towel on my head, I started to pull the envelopes out from underneath the wardrobe. I looked first at the pile of unopened mail, then to the brand-new trainers I’d thrown on my bed. I tore open the first letter. It was time to pull my head out of the sand.
15
Him
The itching has started again. It crawls over my skin like a swarm of ants. I tried to stretch her out a bit longer, make her last. But it’s never enough. I try to relive it. The look of terror was so arousing, her green eyes like emerald pools as they met mine. Every time it’s the same, the shock etched on their faces. Their bodies betray the panic they try to hide. Hearts race, veins throb, skin as cold as ice. Their fear is invigorating, but the time in between leaves me impotent and longing. Each one is different, but they all comply.
She was special. I consumed her. Stirring in my groin builds until I get the release I crave.
I hope she’ll be easy to find again. I considered following her as she staggered across the park, but I’m not stupid. I’m sure the police are following my trail and I must not make any mistakes.
I need more. No amount of violence can quell my urges. No amount of sex can satisfy my needs. In time I could surprise her, just when she thought I was a distant nightmare. If I had the chance again with her, I would take my time. I would make her last a lifetime
16
Thursday 12 October 2017
I didn’t see Ben on Thursday. When I got up his door was shut, and I assumed he was asleep. When I got home from the boxing club, his door was ajar, and his car gone. I hoped he wasn’t avoiding me? I didn’t want things to be uncomfortable between us. As much as my feelings had grown towards Ben, in the cold light of day, getting involved with someone you lived with would likely end in tears and I didn’t want to look for another flatmate.
I put on my usual work staple of black trousers, teamed with a polka dot shirt, it looked a tad baggy but would have to do. After I added up exactly what I owed, sat on the carpet with my calculator, the future seemed a little clearer. The redundancy would cover all of my credit card debt and I could get a small loan from my mum for the council tax bill that I knew was coming. I’d change my electric and council tax bills to a manageable monthly direct debit in the hope I could turn things around. I had no phone contract, only a pay-as-you-go, so I only used what I could afford. As long as I stopped overspending, I should be fine. The weight of debt had been hanging over me for a while, the load getting heavier week by week, but for the first time in months, I felt positive about what lay ahead.
The rain drizzled, making my hair frizz, and I wrapped my coat around myself, missing the sunshine which now seemed a distant memory. I should have brought my umbrella. A black sky loomed overhead, threatening heavier showers to come. On my way to the office, I perused agency windows to see what job prospects were out there. Not much by the looks of it, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin my mood. When I arrived, Debbie was outside at the bus stop, puffing away. She didn’t seem her bubbly self.
‘It’s horrible in there, everyone is so down. It’s like we’re being pitted against each other. I’m worried I’m going to be pushed out in favour of her, yet I have more experience. Darren is worried, his company hasn’t been making a profit for a while. It’s just a blip, but we rely on my wage.’
I rubbed her arm, creating static to her satin sleeve, and pulled two cigarettes from my pack, handing her one. She sighed and took it, her eyes red-rimmed.
‘Do you want to get a coffee later?’ I sensed she needed to offload.
‘No, I can’t, hon, she’s in today and I’ve got to show her how to access the personnel data.’ That sounded ominous. ‘Anyway, there’s me moaning on. How are you?’
‘I think I’m doing a bit better actually. I’m going to go for the redundancy.’
‘Oh really! That’s a shame, although I think they’ll jump at that, hardly anyone has. I think they were hoping for more of a take-up, so choosing who stays wouldn’t be as messy.’
Inside the office, Stuart called the Russian HR manager to ask him to come down when he was available. The news of the redundancy situation had affected Stuart, he looked as though his zest for the job had gone. I was glad I hadn’t been in to witness it. He said he didn’t know what he was going to do yet.
When the Russian came down, we sat down around the table in Stuart’s office.
‘I’d like to accept the voluntary redundancy package that was sent through please.’
‘Okay, Stuart, what sort of handover period do you think Eve will need to provide.’
‘I should imagine a few days, a week at most. However, Eve is currently on sick leave.’
‘Yes, of course. Eve, do you think you would be up to coming in next week to show Jessica the ropes?’
I nodded. So, my replacement was called Jessica? I hadn’t heard her name before. A twinge of jealousy hit my side. Why wasn’t Stuart fighting for me to stay? Was she the better one out of the two of us?
‘I believe once the handover is completed, we can pay you in lieu of your notice, which will begin on Friday the twentieth of October, for four weeks. On top of your redundancy package, which you will receive in a lump sum.’
‘I won’t have to come in once the handover is complete?’ That was a result.
‘No, it’s not necessary. I understand you’ve recently had a traumatic time. Drive will always ensure its employees are treated compassionately, and given your extenuating circumstances, I don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interest to make you work your notice.’ He pushed the offer in writing, across the desk. Placing a pen on top. ‘Now, if you’ll just sign here and here, we can get this tied up today.’
Thirty minutes later, I left the office, a weird feeling bubbling inside me. Positive and excited for change, but also nervous and worried for the future. What if I couldn’t get a job as quickly as I needed to? What if I couldn’t find one that paid as well?
My phone rang, it was Mum. I hadn’t spoken to her since she’d cut me off.
‘Hi, Mum.’
‘I’ve been trying to get hold of you? I’ve rung every day. Are you okay? If you hadn’t answered, I was going to drive down.’ I wouldn’t put it past her to just turn up. She’d done it before. I hadn’t missed any calls though, so she couldn’t have been trying that hard to get in touch.
‘I’m fine.’
‘You said you were raped?’
‘I don’t want to talk about it now, Mum.’ That ship had sailed.
‘I want to let you know I’m here if you need me.’
I rolled my eyes, sure she was.
‘Who’s Patrick?’ I asked.
‘Patrick? He’s my friend. His son owns the off-licence.’
I snorted. That made perfect sense. At least she was sober this morning, or not yet drunk enough to slur her words.
‘I need to have some company up here, Eve. It’s lonely.’
‘So, come home, Mum, back to Sutton.’ I didn’t want to be her carer, but if she was here I could support her recovery.
‘I can’t. You know I can’t.’
We didn’t speak for a few seconds, the silence stretching out between us.
‘Mum, do you think you would be able to send me some money, please?’
‘How much?’
‘Five hundred pounds.’
‘What for?’
‘Council tax.’
‘Of course. I’ll write a cheque and put it in the post today, is that okay?’
I agreed and thanked her. Did people even use cheques any more? I wasn’t going to moan. I hated borrowing money, especially from her. When she got drunk, she would likely throw it back in my face. It was a double-edged sword, but it was the only option I had.
Back at the flat, I cleaned and hoovered, resisting the urge to go in to Ben’s room. It took all my willpower not to have a look around. I sat at the table dipping a digestive into my tea and pondering what to have for dinner when Detective Emmerson rang. I’d turned the volume up loud on my phone and when it went off, I almost hit the ceiling, spilling tea all over the kitchen table.
‘Hello Eve, it’s Detective Emmerson,’ she said, her voice already sounding grave.
I sank back into the chair, staring at the puddle of tea, awaiting the bad news. ‘Hello.’
‘I wanted to check in, see how you were doing?’
‘I’m okay. Have you any news?’ I wasn’t interested in niceties.
‘No, I’m afraid not, nothing new. We’ve visited all known local sex offenders, however none match the physical description you gave us. The ones we spoke to, their movements were all accounted for that morning. So, we’ve hit a bit of a dead end.’
‘Right.’ I wasn’t intending on make this call any easier for her or engaging in small talk. The silence grew between us until she spoke.
‘Statistics show that around eighty-five per cent of victims
of sexual assault are known to their attackers. Looking at that, is there anyone you can think of we could talk to. Anyone at work?’
An icy feeling zigzagged its way across my back and I sat up straight. I didn’t know of anyone, did I? I thought of the men at Drive. Acquaintances, friends of friends.
‘No, I don’t think so.’
‘Okay, please don’t hesitate to get in touch if someone comes to mind. We will of course keep the inquiry active and I believe someone so bold as to do what he did in broad daylight, it’s only a matter of time before he attacks again. I will keep in touch.’
We said our goodbyes and I launched my foot at the chair opposite me, sending it skidding across the kitchen floor. What was the point? They couldn’t protect me. No one could. Even the police were counting on him doing it again. They were out of leads and I was on my own. Lack of resources, lack of enthusiasm; I could do a better job of finding him.
My skin tingled, and goosebumps appeared on my arms as the idea trickled through me. Could I find him? If I managed to, I could follow him, tell them where he lived. They’d have to arrest him. He’d be off the streets. But what if he saw me? My heart pounded at the thought. It was crazy. My palms began to sweat. You can do this. Fuck, yes, you can do this. You can get the bastard and make him pay for what he did. The voice in my head continued to campaign for me to take control. My father, who was the wisest man I’d ever known, had warned me when I was having trouble with friends at school that the only person you could rely on was yourself. He was right. The police were useless.
