by Sofia Finn
“Come on, buddy,” Randy said, laying his heavy hands on my shoulders again. “I’ll drive you home.”
I reluctantly agreed, only because I didn’t want my pride to have me driving my car into somebody else’s on the I-95. But I really wished it had been someone other than Randy Knowles. Someone I could intimidate into silence.
“So,” Randy said as soon as we got on the road. “You and the nurse…did something happen?”
I remained silent, but I should have known that Randy would only take it as an invitation to keep talking.
“Yeah, I figured something happened. You’ve been like a fucking bear with a sore paw for the past week or so. I knew it had to be something bad. What happened? Did she…cheat on you? I mean, she doesn’t seem like the type, but you never know with women. My ex-wife cheated on me, you know? Yeah. Right back when I was deployed. While she was sending me love letters and shit, she was apparently screwing my best friend. So you know…women, right? But anyway, you’ll be fine. Trust me. You’ll get over it, and you’ll find someone better. Someone hotter too. Unless she didn’t cheat, in which case, just ignore everything I just said.”
I could feel my headache worsening. “Why the hell do you talk so much, Randy? You’re like a chatterbox that just never stops going?”
Instead of being offended, Randy smiled at my description. “Yeah? You know my mama used to tell me the exact same thing. May she rest in peace. Used to tell me, ‘Randy, you could just about raise the dead with your yapping.’ My ex used to complain about the same thing too. But I figured, if we’re going to be pals, I have to talk for the both of us because you don’t say more than two words in a conversation.”
“We’re not pals,” I said.
“Sure we are,” Randy winked at me. “You just won’t admit it yet.”
As we pulled up to my condo, Randy whistled. “This is a nice place. How much do you pay for rent?”
I ignored him and got out of the car, wincing as each movement sent fire through my brain.
“Need some help, buddy?”
“Fuck off.”
“Love you too. Get some rest, ok?”
I flipped him the bird and heard his laughter as I made my way inside.
I didn’t do any work and decided to rest for the day, but I only felt marginally better the next day. I couldn’t afford to take another day off, though, so I headed to my study with my head still exploding on me. I’d just about gotten settled in when someone rang the doorbell.
“What the f…?”
I ignored it at first, but the ringing was insistent and annoying enough to get me to the door, if only to tell whoever it was to fuck off.
It was Ben.
“Hey bro,” he said, standing there in a T-shirt and jeans. He looked like he’d gotten a fresh cut, with his dark beard shaved close to his face. There were lines by his eyes, and he had lost weight, but he looked….good.
“Ben.” Shock was in my voice. He was the last person I expected to see. “What are you doing here?”
“Told you I was coming back,” he said, hoisting the backpack on his shoulder.
“Yeah, but I thought…” I thought he would opt to stay longer after everything that had gone down. “Are you sure you’re good to be out?”
“Yeah. Took the first flight out to New York to see you.”
“Why?”
He looked behind me. “Can I come in, or are we gonna do this on the doorstep?”
I stepped back, allowing him to walk in.
He looked around. “Place is looking different.”
“I redecorated.”
“Oh.” He went over to the chair and dropped his backpack there.
An awkward silence descended as we stared at each other.
“ Do you want something to drink?” I asked without thinking, then winced. He smiled wryly.
“Something like juice, I mean,” I amended.
“Naah,” he said. The silence stretched.
“Shit, this is harder than I thought it would be,” he muttered.
Then he did something shocking. He squared his shoulders, walked up to me, and wrapped me in a hug.
“I’m sorry, bro,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
And then I clutched him, and we hugged like two idiots who loved each other but were too stubborn to say it. The truth was, despite all the trouble he caused, I missed my brother. Missed him for far longer than he’d been in rehab.
“I miss you, bro,” I admitted, voice a little hoarse.
“I missed you too,” Ben replied.
A measure of time passed before Ben detached himself, wiping his hands over his eyes. Shit, mine were probably misty too.
“I heard what happened yesterday. I’m sorry I left all this shit for you to deal with,” he said. “I should have taken more responsibility. I’m back now, so…however you need me to help you, I’m ready.”
“Ben…”
“No, I’m serious, bro. I’ve been doing much better, believe me. I know you think I’m going to mess up but just try me, ok? Give me a couple of things off your plate to take care of, and I’ll do it. “
I hesitated, but the look of hope in his eyes was what convinced me. Ben needed me to believe in him one more time. “Fine.”
He smiled and looked like just when he was little.
His words then occurred to me. “Wait, who told you about yesterday?”
His smile turned sheepish. “Maddie did.”
Surprise was too small a word to describe the feeling that ran through me. “She called you?”
Anger and jealousy were reflected in my tone.
Ben rolled his eyes when he noticed. “She called me to check up on you, you bozo. You need to talk to her, bro.”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Yeah, you do. Look, she told me everything. And trust me, I can understand why you’re pissed. I would be pissed too. But I can also understand why she did it. You don’t know what her past was like before. And I didn’t exactly tell you the whole truth about what our relationship was like.”
“What does that mean?”
Ben sighed with dread. “Have a seat. It’s time I came clean.”
19
Maddie
It had only been a week without Cage, and I was completely miserable.
At first, I’d been mad. Furious and terrified that he dared to threaten my daughter and me again. I was ready to pack up and leave with Ela like I had before. Two things stopped me. The first was realizing that running away would not solve my problems. I felt like an epiphany finally hit, considering I’d been running away from things half my life.
From my home. From Ben and Cage. From myself sometimes. Usually, it was my only choice to escape a toxic situation. But, I had to wonder if running was always the best course of action.
Because the truth was, Ela would not be better off by leaving. It would actually be selfish of me to take her away from an environment that she knows and the man she’s come to love like a father, into a life where I would constantly be moving and looking over my shoulders for whichever private investigator Cage hired. That was no life for a child.
And the second reason I didn’t leave was for Cage. As mad as I was at him, I knew he loved Ela and would be devastated if she was gone. I also knew that he didn’t mean what he said about taking Ela from me. I had gotten to know Cage pretty well in the past month, and while he could be very harsh, he was not a vindictive person. He was also not the type of man to hurt Ela out of spite for me, and that was what he would be doing if he pushed for full custody. He was just furious right, and his trust in me was completely shattered.
I shattered his trust. And that knowledge made my anger lessen and eventually fade into depression.
The worst thing about it was that I was still on suspension, so it wasn’t like I could distract myself with work. And I had plenty of time for regret.
I should have told him.
I spent most of my time not spent mop
ing, searching for a new apartment for Ela and me, so we could move out of Cage’s.
“Mommy?” Ela opened the bathroom door to find me there, washing my face after another crying fit.
“Yes, sweetie.” I tried not to let her see me.
“Is Cage coming to my party tomorrow?”
At the sound of his name, I felt like bursting into tears again. I had been crying practically all week even though I tried to hold it together. Luckily, Paola had been a godsend and had kept Ela distracted for most of the day, so she couldn’t see me.
But, you know, I didn’t have a drink or anything. So, I at least had that going for me.
In all that time, I hadn’t seen Cage. Ela had asked if he was coming over just about every day, but I had always responded that I didn’t know. I didn’t have the pride to call him and ask either, not after what we’d said to each other before he left. He hadn’t sent me any custody papers like he threatened to, and I didn’t think he would either, to be honest. He wasn’t that spiteful.
But we had to eventually talk about it.
“I don’t know, baby,” I told her honestly.
Her eyes filled with tears. “Has Cage gone away just like my daddy…?”
“No, baby.” I pulled her into my arms, feeling my eyes fill up as I did. “Cage is still here. He’s just been busy. I’m sure he’ll come see you soon.”
He was definitely coming if he threatened to take you from me.
But the familiar anger at the thought was absent. I just didn’t have it in me to be mad at Cage. I mean, I completely understood why he was angry. Had I been in his position, I would be too. And I was sure I could reason with him about it. I just had to talk to him first.
“Really? He didn’t leave?” Ela said. “My friend Rose says that her dad left too.”
“Cage didn’t leave.” I hesitated. “In fact, Ela, there’s something about Cage I need to tell you….”
I thought about how to start.
My cellphone rang, saving me from the inevitable conversation. I’d left it on the kitchen table and went over to fetch it.
It wasn’t a number I recognized, but I picked up anyway.
“Maddie?” a deep voice inquired.
“Yeah? Who’s this?”
“It’s Randy. From work.”
“Oh.” I sat at the table. “Hi, Dr. Randy. How are you?”
“Good. Listen,” he seemed to be searching for the right words, “I don’t mean to pry, and it’s probably none of my business, so you can tell me to fuck off if you want, but I just had to ask. Did anything happen between Cage and you?”
His voice wasn’t accusing, only inquiring. Perhaps, that’s what lead me to answer honestly. “Yeah. We um…broke up. Why?”
“Yeah, I thought that might be the case. Did your feelings for him change? You didn’t cheat on him, did you?”
“No!” I sighed. “Look, I don’t even know why I’m telling you this, but no, I didn’t cheat on him. And yes, I love him.” I love him so much my heart is fucking breaking. “But…it just didn’t work out, ok?”
“Oh.” Randy was silent for a few beats. “Well, then you should probably know that Cage passed out this morning.”
“What?” I heard the chair clatter behind me as I got up, heart racing.
“Yeah. A full-on LOC. Was out for a few minutes. We found him on his office floor.”
“Oh my God. Is he ok?”
“Yeah. We managed to get him back, but he was really shaky there. I think it might be stress. I’ve noticed he had eyebags and has lost a little bit of weight. You might want to check in on him.”
“Yeah, I definitely will. Thanks for letting me know, Randy,” I said.
“No problem. I’m a sucker for love. Y’all invite me to the wedding, okay?”
“Bye,” I hung up on him, and my mind started racing. I didn’t actively think about what I would do before I did it, but I was dialing the number.
I knew where Ben went to rehab. He still had me on a few of his forms as his emergency contact, and I’d gotten a call once by mistake. It didn’t take long at all for me to ring them.
“Sunshine Rehabilitation Clinic, this is Mara speaking. How may I help you?”
“Hi Mara,” I said, then paused. I had no idea what kind of condition Ben was in. Telling him about his brother’s condition could be very selfish on my part. But damn it, someone had to talk some sense into Cage, and the only person Cage may listen to right now is his brother.
“Hello?” The receptionist said when I didn’t speak.
“Ah yes, sorry. Um… I’d like to speak to Benjamin Burke, please? The name is Maddie Flynn.”
“Alright, one sec…” I listened to the cheerful hold music and felt my heart race and palms sweat. Time seemed to stretch out forever until a click suggested that someone else was on the phone.
“You have some nerve calling me.” Ben’s voice shook with anger. The voice of the man I had thought I loved.
“Hey Ben,” I said.
“‘Hey Ben?’ That’s all you’re going to say after you left me, Maddie?’
“Look, Ben, I didn’t call to talk about this, ok?
“Well, I want to. I want to because I need some fucking closure, Maddie. Not only did you run out on me, but you also fucked another guy and had his kid? Seriously Maddie? And now you’re fucking my brother?”
“Ben…”
“Who was it, huh? Who did you cheat on me with?”
“Ben—”
“Who, Maddie?”
“Cage!” I yelled finally at the end of my rope. “It was Cage, ok?”
He was silent for a few beats. “I knew it. I fucking knew it.”
“Ben, honestly. I didn’t even call to talk about all this shit right now. I called to tell you your bother fucking passed out at work today.”
“What?” His voice was suddenly. “What happened?”
“Stress. He’s stressed the hell out, and you need to tell him to stop working so damn hard. He’s taking all this shit on his own, and it’s killing him. He needs you, Ben.”
“Cage doesn’t need anybody,” Ben said bitterly. “He’s fucking superman.”
“No, he’s not,” I nearly stomped my foot in frustration and desperation that the man I loved was driving himself into an early grave. “He’s just a man, like you and me. And trying to do it all on his own is killing him, but he’s too stubborn to admit it. You need to be there for him and tell him to stop trying to kill himself, just like he’s told you his entire fucking life.”
Ben was quiet.
“Now, you can hate me all you want, but you can’t blame Cage for what happened all those years ago. He didn’t even know it was me. He was drunk and thought I was just some random chick. I’m the one who took advantage of him. So if you need someone to blame, then blame me.
“And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry I cheated on you. But I’m not sorry about what happened that night. It gave me a wonderful, beautiful daughter who I love so much. And Cage…I do love him, Ben. But it was shitty of me to cheat on you to do it, and I’m sorry. I should have had the decency of breaking up with you first.”
Ben sighed finally, his voice sounding resigned. “Well, it’s not exactly like I was boyfriend of the year at the time.”
“Ben….”
“No Maddie, let me get this out. If you’re going to apologize for the fucked-up shit you did, I have to own up to my own fucked up shit too. I was horrible to you, an abusive drug addict, and I gave you a lot of shit you didn’t deserve. And all this time, I’ve blamed you. But you know, I’ve had time to reflect, and I realize it wasn’t you that was the problem. It was me. And I’m so fucking sorry, Maddie.”
“Oh Ben.” The tears flowed freely then, down my cheeks.
“You’re not crying, are you?”
“Shut up. You’re crying too,”
“Yeah.” I could hear the tears in his voice. “Yeah, I am.”
But even though we were both crying,
it felt like a wound was finally healing.
The next day, I resolved to talk to Cage. It was time to stop running. We had to talk, and we could yell and do whatever had to be done, but we had to get back together at the end of the day. Because I wasn’t giving him up again.
But, I didn’t have to do any of that because I opened the door that morning to find Cage at my doorstep.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I answered tentatively. He didn’t look angry anymore, but I couldn’t be too sure.
“Ben came to see me,” he said.
“Did he?”
“Yeah. And I’m sorry.”
My eyes widened in disbelief even as my temper flared up. “For which part? Threatening to take my daughter from me or calling me an alcoholic and a bad mother?”
He winced. “Both. But most of all, for how I’ve treated you all these years, how I’ve misjudged you. I was a complete and total ass.”
I could feel tears threatening at the back of my eyes…again. My face hurt with all my effort to hold them back. Every single word he spoke was a reminder of all the hurt I felt at his constant judgment. I mean, I knew I wasn’t perfect, but… “Back then, you never even gave me a chance, Cage.”
He looked so sorrowful, almost like he might cry too. “I know. God, Maddie, I’m so sorry. I was wrong about you from the beginning. Ben told me about everything he did to you. I’m furious at myself. I was such an idiot. Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you tell me what he said?”
I opened my mouth, but he held a hand up to stop it.
“Never mind. Don’t say it. I know why. Because I was a judgmental asshole, who thought I had you pegged from the beginning. I was so full of myself, so embroiled in my own past trauma that I couldn’t see past my convictions to the woman you truly are. Have always been. I’m sorry, Maddie.”
And just like that, the tears started flowing freely. One stuttered breath turned into two, and I was bawling into his chest while he held me tight, muttering apologies dripping in so much remorse, it was palpable.
“I’m sorry too,” I choked out. “For not telling you about Ela. For screwing up so much over the years.”
