“Dammit, Brody.” He pushed me away and took off for the house at record speed, leaving me shouting in his wake.
Fuck. What now?
“Leave him be.” I turned to find Slade standing behind me. “You’ve said all you could and let him have things his way for a long time, I suspect. He needs to figure out what he wants and come to terms with it, once and for all.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do?” I stared at Mitch’s retreating figure, feeling lost.
Slade turned, grabbed a shovel that was leaning up against the fence, and thrust it into my hands. “Muck stalls. These are working hours and you are on the clock. There is a whole other barn that needs cleaning as soon as the teens are finished with their class.”
“Fabulous.” This day just kept getting better and better.
Chapter 18
Mitch
Oh, holy hell. I stormed away from the barns, not really giving any thought to where I was going. It was more about just getting the hell away from the scene I had just created. I couldn’t believe what I had done. My chest was tight, my palms were sweaty, and my heart was beating a million miles a minute.
Could I take it back? Find some reasonable excuse to explain away my actions? I scoffed at the thought. Yeah, right. What was I supposed to say? I tripped and his lips broke my fall? Likely story.
I could hear Brody and Slade yelling behind me, but I knew they wouldn’t follow. They couldn’t. There were kids to take care of. I just needed to get up to my room and lock the door behind me. If I could do that, nobody would bother me, and I could calm down enough to think. Not that thinking was going to help much.
Ever since I had gotten to the ranch, my life had been upside down and backwards. April had stormed into our lives, and we had fallen for her on sight. And everything had gone downhill since then. Now, Brody was hurt, I was hurt, and she was all caught up in the middle of it.
I walked with my head down, and I didn’t see her until it was almost too late. She was standing at the bottom of the porch, inspecting buds on one of Nan’s rose bushes.
Shit. I sped up, but she reached out and caught my arm. “Mitch, slow down!” she admonished before she saw my face.
Then she instantly sobered. “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it Brody? Slade? One of the kids? Are you okay?”
I yanked my arm out of her grasp, flinging it wide as I yelled at her, “No! I am not okay, Brody is not okay, nothing is okay! I don’t know who I am anymore, and it’s all your fault! Why do you have to push so hard? Why did you have to say those things? What’s wrong with minding your own damn business and leaving well enough alone?”
I heard her sharp gasp of breath, but I didn’t look at her face. I was mad at myself for hurting her, but the way I was going along, I might as well just add one more to the list. I was hurting everybody, most of all myself. I could see it, but I couldn’t fix it. Fixing it meant being the one thing I wasn’t ready to be.
Pushing past her into the house, I barreled past Nan in her recliner, ignoring her calls of concern. It was only when she turned off the TV in the middle of her favorite soap and called me by both my first and middle names that I stopped in my tracks. I didn’t want to turn, didn’t want to talk, and didn’t want to face her, but it was a behavior that was fully ingrained in me. If Nan called me Mitchell Ryan, I stopped what I was doing and braced myself for a serious tongue lashing.
This time was no different. Well, almost. I stopped in my tracks but didn’t turn around. “I don’t want to talk.” My voice was a dull thud.
“I didn’t ask if you wanted to talk, young man. And I shut off my soaps for you, so at the very least, you owe me the respect of turning around to face me when you try to shrug me off.”
I was a thirty-seven-year-old man, and when Nan spoke to me like that, it still had the power to strike fear into my heart. I turned around. “I’m fine, Nan. I’ll be fine. I just want to be alone. Don’t worry about me, and please just enjoy your soaps.”
Merry, who had been lounging on the couch opposite Nan’s recliner, looked at me with wide eyes and an open mouth. We may all be adults, but generally, nobody argued with Nan when she took that tone with you.
“I think I’m going to go take a nap.” Merry yawned and skedaddled past me, all but running up the stairs. Well, shit.
I turned and started to follow, using her hasty retreat as an excuse to make one of my own, but once again, Nan’s voice stopped me in my tracks. This time, I turned right away, heaving a sigh.
“Sit down, young man. We’re going to have a talk, you and I. One that is probably years overdue.”
I was too overwrought to argue. Arguing with Nan would take more energy than I currently possessed. So, I crossed the room and sat on the couch, taking the spot that Merry had previously occupied. I leaned back against the worn leather and crossed my arms in front of me.
“Slade called, a few minutes ago.”
“Fuck,” I swore under my breath. Damn nosy bastard. The way he acted towards me and my business, it seemed as if he was the older brother, but, in truth, he was several years younger.
Nan frowned at me. “Don’t swear. And don’t be mad at Slade. He’s worried about you, and he’s not the only one.”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay, Mitchell, so you’re fine. Are you happy? Are you comfortable with yourself? Or are you living life while holding your breath, afraid that if you exhale for even just a moment, everything will implode, and people will find out the secret you’ve been keeping?”
“I’m not keeping any secret,” I huffed. I would sit here and talk, or at least, listen, but I wasn’t going to be agreeable, and I wasn’t going to make it easy for her.
“I agree with you, you know,” Nan smirked. “You’re not keeping any secret. At least, that is, not well.”
I sucked in a breath and glowered as she rose from her recliner and padded over to the desk she kept in the corner of the room. When we were kids, she would sit there in the evenings, paying bills, writing letters, doin’ paperwork or whatever, while we gathered around the television. I hadn’t seen her touch it in years. Nowadays, Slade took care of all of that stuff.
I watched with veiled interest as she pulled the bottom drawer open and hunched over it, muttering to herself. When she turned away and closed it, she held a thin manila folder in her hand. I saw my name in the upper right hand corner and instantly knew what it was. My folder from the state.
She didn’t turn and hobble back to her recliner, instead, propelling forward only a few steps and taking a seat on the far side of the couch, opposite me.
“Some foster parents don’t keep these. Heck, I’m convinced there are plenty of foster parents out there who don’t even read them, but that’s not me. Every child who was sent here was handpicked for the ranch and for me, Mitchell. You aren’t any different.”
I didn’t say anything. My stomach knotted as I stared at the folder, and my cheeks burned with shame. Nan knew. She had always known. Her next words only confirmed my fears.
“I read these files like they were the bible. I pored over them every day, reading every word and between the lines. I had every single word in this folder memorized before I ever laid eyes on you.”
I stared at her breathlessly. Of course. My file. My breath froze in my throat as I thought about the events of the few days before my arrival at the ranch, and God knows what other info would be in there.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“About what?”
“About...about Jimmy?”
“Jimmy?” Nan’s face crinkled in confusion, and she opened the folder, peering inside. Her face cleared, and she snapped it shut. “Oh, Jimmy!” She nodded smartly. “You mean that spineless jellyfish who exploited the feelings and weaknesses of a boy younger than himself, preying on him recklessly, then leaving him to take the blame in a complicated situation where he, himself, was not in the least bit blameless? That Jimmy?”
“I…uh…yeah.” Nan was s
o confident in her assessment of the situation, and rightly so, but there was no way my file said all that. It probably didn’t even say half of that.
“Mitchell, you were a child. A confused child, just beginning to explore your sexuality. And you were exploring it with someone you thought you trusted. I know that, because I know you. You cannot let the tragic events of that one day define you for the rest of your life. I wish I would have said all this back then, but I tried hard to respect you kids’ privacy. I watched for certain things to come up, of course, but if they never did, then I never said anything. I made a mistake, and I’m fixing it now.”
Despite myself, I was now hanging on Nan’s every word. I didn’t say anything. And she just kept talking.
“Mitchell, they brought you here because this was a safe place, not to reform you from any conceived transgressions on your part. I should have made that clear. I should have reached out and made you feel safe.”
“I did feel safe!” I rushed to reassure her. “It was just a different kind of safe. It honestly never occurred to me, Nan, to try to be myself. I thought I was wrong, and I never let myself think anything different.”
“Mitchell, it’s been twenty-three years. Let yourself think differently. Let yourself feel safe. Embrace the person we all see, know, and love. Honey, your family has known who you are always—and loved you always. And I like to think that we are the ones who really matter.”
“You are. You guys are the ones who matter. You matter so much, I don’t think I could handle the thought of risking your love.”
Nan reached forward and placed a wrinkly hand on each of my cheeks, then squeezed, mashing my face inward. “There’s no risk, Mitchell. Not a single one. At this point, honey, we are just waiting for you.”
“I don’t know,” I whispered. Even I could hear the pain in my voice.
“Well, honey, I can’t force you. But I can tell you that I think you have chosen well in both of them, even if your choices were not deliberate ones.”
“Both of them?”
“Brody and April, silly.” She patted my cheek with one hand and grabbed my arm with the other.
“You could have a wonderful life, Mitch. They love you; it’s easy to see. It would break my heart to see you lose a love like the one you have between the three of you because you were still too scared to open yourself up to the idea of who you really are, but the writing is on the wall, Mitch. Brody is done hiding, and he’s not going to wait forever. And April deserves better. She deserves two men who love her and love each other. She won’t survive long stuck in the middle of your issues.”
“I know,” I breathed, sighing deeply.
Nan patted my cheek again. “And you know, April was my first grandbaby. If you hurt her, I’ll have to kill you.” She cocked her head towards the kitchen, and I realized for the first time that I could hear April banging around in there.
Crap. I had already messed that up, even more than before. I looked at Nan and back towards the kitchen. “I know. I’ll fix it. Later.”
Nan nodded sagely. “Take some time to get your head on straight, first. They can wait for you. Just not forever.”
April
I held out going into the house for as long as I could, but I had a job to do. Mitch was the one who was in the wrong place. His job was down at the barns with the horses. He was in my way, not the other way around.
I tried not to listen. I did, but the walls in the old house were thinner than I realized. Even though I was banging around in the kitchen and they were speaking in hushed tones, I caught a few words, here and there.
My favorite part was when Nan threatened to kill him if he hurt me. She didn’t mean it, of course, but it still made me smile. It’s a little late for that, Nan, I huffed to myself as I dumped a hump of pork into the crockpot.
I also heard him say he would “fix it, later”. But I wasn’t in the mood to wait around for that. Mitch wasn’t the only one who needed to get his head on straight.
I dumped piles of onions, carrots and potatoes into the crockpot with the roast and haphazardly threw together a salad. I could still hear the low hum of Mitch’s voice in the other room, so I washed some dishes, swept the floor, and wiped the cabinets, just for something to do.
When the TV came back on, I knew he was gone. I penned a quick note for Merry about dinner and pinned it to the fridge where I knew she would see it. She was in the stage of pregnancy where she seemed to snack every hour on the hour.
I felt terrible pawning my work off on Merry, but I knew she wouldn’t mind, and I had to get out of here. Waiting until after dinner was not a thing. It was only three in the afternoon, but I would drive to town and find something to do.
Anything felt better than waiting around here for Mitch to figure out his shit.
Mitch
With a smile on my face and Nan’s words still resonating in my heart, I walked down to the barn and marched straight up to Slade. “I’m not gay,” I told him.
He rolled his eyes and smiled. “Okay,” he agreed. “But for the record, I wouldn’t care if you were.”
“I know,” I nodded. “But I’m not. I am in love with Brody, though.”
Slade’s grin spread widely across his face. “Well, good. It’s about damn time you said it.”
Furrowing my eyebrow, I frowned at him. “You say that like you’re not surprised,” I accused.
“I’m only surprised that it took you this long to admit it.”
“Admit what?” Blake asked, appearing in front of us. I stifled a groan, and Slade smiled.
“Mitch, here, just admitted he’s in love with Brody.”
“Well, hey! That’s great! It’s about damn time!”
I stared at them in shock. Neither of them looked the least bit surprised. Of course, Nan had pretty much said that everyone knew, but with how much it had taken me to get to this point, they could have at least acted surprised.
“Seriously? Well, that’s just great.” I wasn’t sure why I was angry, but I was.
Without another word, I mounted Daredevil and took off out of the open gate and in the other direction, bringing him to a quick trot as soon as we were into the woods.
I wasn’t mad or angry, I realized. Well, not at any of them, anyway. Mostly at myself. Watching the two of them, my brothers, accept my truth so easily had left me in shock, wondering how many years I had spent refusing to accept myself and live the authentic life I deserved.
I thought of Brody, and the love and patience he had shown me, always. How hard and stubbornly I had fought against the love he had freely given. For what? And had I been so mad at April for forcing me to see the truth about myself that I was doing the same to her? I thought of the harsh words I had spoken to her, earlier, and my stomach rolled with guilt. I would find her and fix it, soon. There were a few things I had to do, first.
It would be easy to fall into the familiar pool of hating myself as I looked back on all the wasted years with Brody and the way I had claimed April, then unintentionally strung her along, asking her for something I hadn’t proven myself worthy of, leaving her no doubt with her own feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness, constantly wondering if she was doing the right thing, or if she should give up and just walk away.
How either of them were still here was nothing short of a miracle. I had put them both through so much, for the simple reason that I couldn’t admit my own identity.
And they were both still here, waiting patiently, loving me, and stepping through whatever doors I happened to leave part way open. What a love.
Out of the three of us, I was supposed to be the sensitive one, but their capacity for love put me to shame. I had been a whole list of things, and stubborn and insensitive topped the list.
I turned Daredevil into a quiet alcove and halted, breathing in the cool mountain air and listening to the song of the birds flying above my head. I had made so many mistakes and wasted so much valuable time that I would never be able to get back. I sta
rted to feel angry at myself, but I could almost hear Nan’s voice telling me to leave the past in the past and embrace the future with everything I had.
That was exactly what I planned to do. Right after I begged their forgiveness. And one more thing. I needed to say the words out loud to myself and admit them and feel the strength in their truth before I shared them with the world.
The sky began to darken as I waited, and I remembered that I had left Brody back at the ranch to work with Blake and Slade. And no doubt, to worry about me. Because that’s what a good Dom does, and Brody was a good Dom. And a good friend, lover, and even though I couldn’t prove it yet, I knew he would be a good partner, as well.
The words I needed to speak hung in my throat, tickling it with urgency.
“I’m bisexual!” I yelled, staring up at the clouds. Damn. It felt good. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth once more.
“I am in love with Brody Aarons! And April Dean!” I screamed. Daredevil neighed and shuffled his feet beneath me, letting me know how he felt about my overly loud declaration of love.
“Okay, boy,” I cooed, stroking the top of his nose. “I won’t do that again. Let’s go home.”
I swear he nodded, before turning and starting off down the trail that led back to the ranch, even faster than before. Well, they did call me the horse whisperer around here.
Chapter 19
April
Bars here were weird. Nothing like the cold, crowded bars in the city, where you were invisible to anyone not trying to take you home that night for a roll in the hay.
And here, if you did go home with someone, you actually did have the option of rolling in the hay with them. Literally.
This bar was big and open, with an old fashioned jukebox in the corner and several pool tables off to one side. There was a big stage, currently unoccupied as it was a Wednesday night. Everybody had turned and nodded at me when I walked in. Women waved, and men tipped their hats in greeting.
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