“Sure, why not? She gave us a disc thingie that’s supposed to help us pay for shit. Let’s fill our bellies and then get our asses thrown in jail.”
We did just that, gorging on the food available in open-air stalls all around the WD—aka the Witch’s District, aka Hell’s Mudroom, and when we were sated—well, when I was sated, Crush was a fricking black hole when it came to food—we hauled our fleshy witch butts to the Wall.
“The Wall,” Korri had said, “with a capital W.”
We hadn’t really understood what she meant but seeing it made me realize what a big deal it was. Yellowed stone rose twenty-five feet into the air. There were guards on the wall with weapons of some sort, stunners probably. That’s what Korri said the Keepers used on the witches most of the time. They had guns, but those were employed as much because manufacturing bullets and weaponry was expensive, especially when there were cheaper magical options.
There was a dreary look about it and it cast a pall over the WD, shading the closest ramshackle buildings from the sun. The witches avoided looking at it. Their heads were turned away, whether by choice or instinct, I didn’t know. I did know it was hella depressing and it needed to be knocked down. We didn’t touch it, though, because our intrepid guide and Queen of Hell told us messing with the Wall held stiff penalties, up to and including death.
We wouldn’t be very much help to her friend if they killed us before we even got inside to protect her.
So, we choose a more direct route. We walked up to the gates where the Keepers stood guard. They checked passes and generally made the witches’ lives awful. It seemed only fitting Crush and I each picked one and hit them square in the face.
Two guards knocked out, more swarming to help, and we had ourselves a little melee.
It was fun while it lasted, but eventually we had to let them take us down. Crush, I saw, was a little too into Keeper-punching, and so I tripped him the next time he started wading in to smack a guard to the ground. Crush fell like a tree and I let myself follow, and then the Keepers had the stunners pressed against our flesh.
It fucking hurt. We were both so used to our stony skin that this weak-ass witch flesh was a shock.
Ha. Shock.
I laughed and winced as they hauled me to my feet. It took three of them because I was heavy even here Above. For Crush, it took four and I was sure one of the Keepers would pass out before they got him upright, but he didn’t. He was red-faced and puffing, though.
“What the hell were you two bozos thinking?” shouted one of the guards Crush had smacked. She had a red spot the size of a ham on her face and it was swelling rapidly. “You’re headed to jail for this and for what?”
“Connie,” another guard said. “Why are you even asking them? They’re witches. Witches are dumb. Obviously.”
A third guard began reading us our rights. I was frankly surprised they thought we had rights and the list was suspiciously short.
They stuffed us into separate cars and drove us out of the Mudroom and into the city. I kept my face pressed to the glass and gawked like a tourist because hey, I was a tourist.
It was freaking awesome. The sky was blue instead of red. The plant life didn’t seem like it wanted to kill me, and there weren’t any strange beasts roaming the streets. Just people. Lots and lots of people.
When we finally stopped, it was in front of an ugly, squat building. The Keepers took us through those doors to a tiny waiting room, though we didn’t have long to wait before someone was buzzing us through to the back.
Rows of desks, rows of magi and witches alike, the magi in suits, the witches with restraints. No one really looked happy, but it was fascinating to me.
My Keeper tried shoving me into a chair but backed off when I just looked down at him in amusement.
“Sit,” the guy said, trying to inject at least a little authority into his voice.
I didn’t, wondering how far he’d go to get me in the chair.
His face began to redden. “Sit, witch. Now!”
“Nah.” Heads were turning our way, some of the magi looking startled as though seeing me for the first time. Over on the far end of the room, Crush was being equally, affably, stubborn.
His magi had already enlisted help, but no one was jumping up to save mine. I wondered why. Did they not like him? Was he one of those people that snitched on others as a matter of course? Come to think on it, he did look a little shady.
“Something wrong?” A magus walked over with his chest puffed out and his lips pursed. He had on a similar uniform to the Keeper in front of me, but there were more shiny bits and bobs pinned to his chest.
We wore precious stones sometimes to impress the ladies. From the looks of him, he was going to need a lot more shiny things if he was even going to win a glance from any self-respecting female.
“He, uh. He won’t sit,” my little Keeper said. “He’s kinda big, wouldn’t you say? Maybe we need … maybe we need some extra guards in here.”
“Jesso,” the puffer guy said, “he’s a witch. No matter how big they get, they’re still stupid. But they understand one thing, and do you know what that one thing is?”
The Keeper was turning an alarming shade of red as he tried to figure out what Puffer guy wanted him to say. Finally, he blurted, “Yes and no questions?”
Puffer guy whipped out his stunner and stuck it to my neck. The pain was eye-watering, but bearable, though I did sit if only to avoid more demonstrations of that type. Let him think he bested me. It would make him an easier target in the long run. And although I sat, he saw something that made him question whether he’d really gotten the better of me.
“You done?” I asked, my voice all warbly from the current passing through my throat. It was a strange sensation. Witch flesh must be, in addition to blubbery, water-filled. The pain zipped through my neck and into my eyeballs, as well as down to the tips of my fingers and toes.
He yanked the stunner away, looking sour and upset. His face wasn’t going red but an odd shade of tangerine. “There are other ways we can assure your cooperation. You don’t want to find out what those are.”
I kinda did, but I knew that wasn’t the correct response. “I do not.”
His pursed lips tightened into an O that looked like an anus and a particularly loathsome one at that. “Add a year to his sentence.”
“He hasn’t been charged yet,” the little Keeper said.
Puffer’s eyes snapped to the Keeper’s. “When. He. Does.”
“Y-yes, sir.” The Keeper sat and gathered up paperwork with shaking hands, not looking up until ole tangerine Puffer guy moved on. Then he licked his lips and began what he called the “In Processing.”
More like the “Boringing,” but hey, not everything in the Above could be exciting, could it?
Chapter Three
After a ritual that involved nudity, a search for unauthorized runes, spells, amulets, and so on, and a speech that was supposed to demoralize us, we were handed yellow and grey clothing and told to dress. We did, Crush and I standing away from the others since our size seemed to intimidate a few of the smaller witches.
“Line up!” one of the Keepers shouted and we did, Crush and I at the tail end. They marched us down a long set of stairs and sorted us through several sets of doors. Crush and I didn’t end up together which didn’t surprise me. They didn’t want us causing trouble, which meant separating us. Or thinking they had, anyway.
The prison proper was a long tunnel, cells on the bottom, a walkway with guards above. I supposed the magi thought they were safe up there looking down on everyone. It would be easy to climb on up there and take a couple of them out with the others none the wiser. Sure, there were bars and gates galore between us and freedom, but take enough of the magi hostage inside and surely they would take notice on the outside.
Maybe they wouldn’t care. So far that I’d seen, magi were arrogant, rude, over-confident creatures and the witches were cowed, timid things. No wonder nothing
had changed in centuries. Neither the ‘goyles nor the demons were timid or cowed, though the demons definitely were arrogant, rude, and over-confident.
Maybe we were too.
I was guessing Pruflas thought so.
Grinning, I joined in with the welcomes and the introductions, surprised at the level of camaraderie. “Is this a prison or a summer camp?” I asked the guy assigned to show us the ropes.
He snorted. “It’s all right here because we keep it that way. There are other factions that aren’t so nice. Others that fight. It isn’t all sugarplums and rainbows.”
“Good.”
“Yeah, of course you’d say that, the size of you. What are you, six feet five? Six?”
I shrugged, not understanding the measurements. I was taller than six of his feet and six of my feet combined, so that made little sense. “Tall enough.”
He grunted. “‘Suppose so. Name’s Larry.”
“Mayhem.”
Larry blinked. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Nope. Earned it on my name day, granite kill you.”
“Uh, granite what me?”
I flapped a hand at him, telling him to never mind. “Where are the women kept? There is someone I need to find.”
“Oh, well, here’s the thing. These tunnels all circle around to each other, though the magi don’t know that we know that. Some witches long ago tunneled their way through and runed it up to keep the magi from finding them out. It means we can’t all be inside at once. It also means you go in at your own risk since there aren’t any guards, any wards, any anything to keep you alive. There’s a place to leave notes for your lady friend there.”
I nodded. “She’s not my lady friend yet. I’m here to watch out for her.”
He eyed me, my bulk, and said, “She’s in good hands. No funny business in there, though. No fighting. No illegal spelling. We do too much magic and they’ll realize what’s going on and shut it down. The fool who gets the post office around the world shut down gets shanked.”
I raised an eyebrow. “The post office? Around the world?”
Larry just shrugged as if it were just the way it was and I could take it or leave it.
“How do I get word I want to talk with her, then? If she doesn’t know to look in the post office?”
“Ask one of the ladies that do show up to carry her a note. Do you know what tunnel she’s in?”
I shook my head.
“Is she relatively new? What’s she in for?”
“A few days ago, and murder.”
Larry whistled. “Probably H block then. It’s for the most serious offenders. Head on down thataway and you can get your protecting started.” He gestured and then wandered away, chatting with the other new prisoners.
I made my way to the far end of the tunnel, which appeared to end in dark gloom and a solid wall. From here, the guards couldn’t see me, the shadows were so thick. I pushed through the magic into a large room filled with witches of all types. It looked to be some sort of long ago station. An old clock soared in the center, its hands missing, its face dusty and stained with mold.
Some of the witches congregated in the big room were buying things, some selling, a few were having sex. Most were just huddled in clumps looking miserable. One wall was filled with cubbies and a few witches stood before these, stuffing notes into free spaces.
“Anyone here from H block on the women’s side?” I said, projecting my voice the way any ‘goyle could. It wasn’t as loud as my ‘goyle roar because there were limitations on this fleshy witch body, but it was loud enough to get most of the witches assembled to shut up.
After a moment, a woman with slicked-back hair and pretty golden eyes said, “I am.”
I smiled down at her. “Do you know Poppy Ballinger? About this high, skin a little darker than mine, black curly hair.” At her apologetic blank stare, I added, “She killed Kyle Klein?”
“Oh! We call her B, some of us. B for bloody.” She gave a weak laugh, then said, “I know her, yeah.”
“Good. Will you go get her and bring her here for me?”
Her eyes grew wide. “Oh no, I couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
Her eyes darted to the side. “She’s … well, she’s uh.”
Something about her, the way she cringed into herself made me wonder what the hell she was trying to hide. “Where is she?” I asked. “Tell me now if you value your life.”
She cringed further, then leaned in close to whisper, “They followed her in there.” She pointed with a shaky hand then darted away, presumably back to H block.
I followed her finger to the dark mouth of another tunnel, this one much smaller. I was headed there when I heard Crush call my name from across the room. “Hurry,” I returned, and then ducked into the tunnel. It got narrower as I went and when I got to a spot where I couldn’t get through, I whispered to the rocks, “Can you help a brother out?”
The rock did, slowly, its pleasure at being recognized as a sentient thing filling my head with sweet music. When it had widened itself sufficiently, I told it thank you and pressed on. Behind me, I heard it move again for Crush.
Soon, I could hear voices, the low tones of a male and higher tones of a woman. The woman was pissed off. The guy was in pain. I moved faster, not quite running toward the sound. It would suck demon balls if Poppy died before I had a chance to even meet her.
When I finally skidded to a stop in the small cavern, Poppy Ballinger was pressed against the floor, a shiv at her throat. I recognized her immediately from Korri’s description, though the new Queen of Hell hadn’t said how beautiful she was.
“Stop!” I roared.
They did, staring, and I struck. I kicked the one with the knife in the face. His head snapped back and the shiv he held dropped to the floor. The woman flung her hands up, obviously trying for a spell, but I reached out and popped her head into the rock, knocking her out cold. Before the guy could recover, I snatched him off Poppy and dangled him mid-air. “Shame on you,” I told him.
He blinked at me stupidly, his nose pouring blood.
“Picking on other people is going to get you killed. So, knock it off or I’ll stuff your shiv where the sun don’t shine so you’ll have it with you the rest of your life. Got me?” The guy nodded and I set him on his feet. “Get your partner and go.”
He stared at me dumbly, blood still pouring out of his nose. Really pouring.
“You might need to see someone about that,” I said.
The man finally realized what was happening and put his hands up to his face. Blood streamed around his fingers. “Oh crow.”
“Get lost. Now!” I roared.
The roar gave him the impetus he needed to lift the woman off the floor and go for the entrance. They ran into Crush, bounced off, stared in utter horror and then slink around him.
I nodded in satisfaction, then squatted next to the woman on the floor. “Hello, Poppy. We’re here to save you.”
She blinked up at me, her eyes bloodshot, bags prominent under her eyes. “Who in Hecate’s name are you?”
“Mayhem, at your service. That’s my friend Crush. We’re gargoyles sent by the Queen of Hell to keep you safe.”
Her eyes slid shut as she muttered, “What the fuck, Korri?”
Chapter Four
She was a pretty little thing. Her eyes were a sparkling brown, or perhaps snapping would be a more apt word. She had her hands on her hips and she was glaring up at me and Crush as if she could kick both our asses.
It was cute, really. Though I knew enough not to say that to her.
“I don’t want you here. Why are you here? What was Korri thinking? You’re what now?”
I held up my hands to stop the questions for a moment so I could answer a few, but she continued.
“I do not need her help. I had everything under control. Oh sure, those guys were going to kill me, but I had a spell ready. A rune spell. I’m a educist! Of course I had a spell ready. And it would ha
ve given me leverage over them, leverage enough to get my questions answered. But no, you had to charge in here like some big hero,” she waved her hand at me in frustration, “whatever you are. Seriously?”
“Okay,” I said after sharing a glance with Crush. “Here’s the granite. We’re ‘goyles sent by Korri from Hell to protect you. Whether you like it or not, that’s what we’re here to do. And the Queen of Hell doesn’t want you to die in here. So.” I shrugged.
“This is crazy. And wrong. I should get a say whether I want to have two big galoots looming over me all the time.”
“Galoots,” Crush said with a grin. “I like it. Has a nice mouthfeel. Crush Galoot at your service.” My friend bowed low, gracefully, despite his large size.
“Dear Hecate,” Poppy moaned. She pressed her hand to her forehead and paced away and back to us. “This isn’t okay. I mean, I’m a fully capable adult woman. I know Korri means well, but I’m doing okay without her. Okay, I fell in with some idiots and let them convince me I was better off martyring myself for their cause, but I figured out that was not cool. So, you can just trot your stony asses back to Hell and let her know I don’t need her.” She paused. “Tell her I’m not mad at her anymore, okay? I worked that out too.” She licked her lips. “Tell her to come visit me. I won’t yell at her again.”
“Yeah, no.”
She blinked. Tipped her head. “Excuse me?”
“We heard all that and I totally get the whole empowerment thing. Heck, Crush and me, we’ll let you be empowered all you want. We love that in women. But we’re here to protect you and so we’re here.” I shrugged. “You can tell us what to do if it’ll make you feel better.”
Her eyes narrowed. If looks could kill … “She sort of reminds me of cousin Medusa. Don’t you think, Crush? Her hair’s not green.”
“Not snakes either.”
“Stop!”
We stopped and watched her expectantly.
“This is ridiculous. I’m going back to my tunnel, to my cell. Which means I’m going to say goodbye to you now.”
Hexes and Handcuffs: A Limited Edition Collection of Supernatural Prison Stories Page 44
