“I would believe that if you had said anything to him,” she replies. “But you haven’t, so I don’t believe it right now.”
“You don’t believe you’re being unfair?”
She shakes her head. “Not one bit,” she says. “This might come as a surprise to you, Jessie, but you know boys can’t read your mind. Right?”
I nod, slowly. I didn’t expect this from my father. “Right,” I say. “I know that.”
“But you still didn’t tell him.”
I lick my lips as I finish the last of the cocoa. “Thank you,” I say, putting the cup on the coffee table. “That was very Christmassy.”
She waves me off. “Are you going to tell him?”
“I honestly don’t know,” I reply. “I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to.”
“He’s not going anywhere,” she says after a while. “You’re not going anywhere. What’s stopping you?”
I blink. “Momma,” I say, my eyes wide. “Are you telling me to declare myself to a man?”
She laughs, throwing her head back. “No,” she replies. “Of course not. I’m just telling you, things aren’t like they used to be. You can’t just put on a pretty dress and your coral lipstick and expect a man to know what the heck you want. Times are a’changing, and bluntness is this years’ color.”
I shake my head. “Momma, if Maw-Maw could hear you,” I say.
“I know,” she says. “Your grandmother is probably rolling over in her grave. But I’m just saying. How is he going to know what to do if you don’t tell him?”
“What if I’m not brave enough to tell him?”
She twists her lips. “Well, dear, then that’s on you,” she says quietly, then sighs contentedly and leans back on the sofa. “That cocoa hit the spot. Too bad it’ll go straight your hips. Can’t have too much of it.”
“Right,” I reply, looking at her. I never thought I would get this kind of advice from my mom. Then again, I think she has always sort of secretly been team Rudy. I don’t know if I can blame her. I think I’ve secretly been team Rudy, too. Or I was, until I had that conversation with him today. Even building up all these walls around him, I always felt like maybe there was another chance for us.
And I didn’t want to. I wanted to hate him, when I got back, I wanted to be upset with him. I didn’t want to want to be around him.
But the moment he helped me up, the moment he touched me, it felt like my world came crumbling down. I wanted him. I didn’t want to want him, but I did.
And my mom was right. Despite what I wanted, despite myself, I was being a coward.
I couldn’t be a coward. I needed to tell him the truth. Without the truth, I told myself, Rudy wouldn’t be able to make an informed decision.
And that... well, that just seemed cruel.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
RUDY
I went home after Natalie told me that I looked like shit and I needed to get some sleep. I’ve been a doctor long enough to know that if a nurse looks at you and they’re concerned, there is definitely a reason for it. I go home, but I don’t sleep. My childhood bed is far too small, my feet practically hang off it, and it’s definitely too narrow. The bed frame is metallic, and every time I try to readjust myself and move around the bed, it squeaks. It was a problem when I was a teenager, but it’s not so much a problem now, considering that my father doesn’t even live here anymore.
I thought about taking his bed for a split second, since that is far more comfortable, but it felt so wrong. That’s still my father’s bed and I probably will never sleep on it.
Not that I’m sleeping much on my childhood bed, to be fair. I sleep for about ten to thirty minutes at a time until I wake up, jolted and sweating. This particular night is especially bad, because when I wake up, I immediately think of Jess.
Maybe I was a little excessive with how I turned her down, but she needed to go on with her own life. Being around me has never helped Jess. I can see the kind of person she has become, and I would’ve only held her back. I want Jess to be who she is, and I want her to be happy. That’s all I have ever wanted for her. So it doesn’t matter how much it hurts, it’s exactly what I need to do.
I manage to fall asleep when it’s just starting to get light outside, and the sun wakes me up by shining on my face. I sigh, rub my eyes, and look at my phone.
I have several missed calls from Haven. My heart drops to my stomach as I call back, all while I step on the wooden floor and begin to race downstairs, caring very little about the fact that I’m still in pajamas.
They answer on the second ring. “Hello--”
“I’m returning your call,” I say. “Rudy Steele.”
There’s a beat of recognition. “Dr. Steele,” the person on the phone says. “You might want to get down here--”
“Is he okay?”
“He’s okay,” she replies. “He’s gotten worse, but he’s still here. Would you like to talk to the attending?”
“Yes,” I reply. “Put her on. I’m on my way.”
***
His heart has slowed down and he’s cold to the touch, but he’s more responsive than I expected him to be. He’s not exactly lucid, and his blood pressure is low, so I’m expecting the worst. He hasn’t said anything delirious yet, so as I hold his hand, I just watch him and wait. His hand isn’t limp in mind. His fingers aren’t slack. He’s holding onto me, though not very tightly.
“Daddy,” I say. We’ve been left alone, and I can hear the steady beeping of his monitor, which I’m watching more closely than I should be. He’s on oxygen, too, though he isn’t intubated. At this point, it’s only important that he’s as comfortable as possible for the short time he has left on earth. I scrape my chair a little closer to his bed and smile at him, though his eyes are closed.
I drop my voice to a whisper before I speak. “I’m sorry I left. I wanted to make everything better. I wanted to heal you, and I was too late, and I’m sorry about that. I wish I could’ve helped. Really helped, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry about that.”
He opens his eyes and stares at me. He squeezes my hand. I know he can’t say anything, and seeing him like this, it sends a shiver down my spine.
I can feel the tears coming. I told myself to be strong. This is scary for me, but it has to be scarier for him, and I feel sorry. Sorry I can’t give him more, sorry I couldn’t learn enough. He deserved a full life too, not just one where he was trying to take care of me.
I close my eyes and feel the tears slide down my face when I hear him croak something out.
I open my eyes and lean over, straining to hear him. “Sorry,” I say. “What was that?”
“The girl,” he says quietly. “Did you get the girl?”
“Stop it,” I say, laughing a little when I hear him talk. My heart is beating fast, but he’s not delirious. His blood pressure is low, but he’s making sense. “That’s the least important thing in the world right now.”
He rolls his eyes, coughs a little. “The most important thing right now,” he says, then looks right at me, through me, with so much intensity that it makes me shudder. His voice is quiet, a whisper, but I hear the firmness and warmth I’ve always heard when he has spoken to me. “You don’t understand, son. I can’t die knowing you’re alone.”
I shake my head. “You have no idea if it’s going to work out.”
“That doesn’t matter,” he replies. “You need to stop living my life for me and start living it for yourself. That’s what matters.”
I shake my head again. “No,” I say.
“Now, Rudy,” he replies. “You need to grow up. That is the biggest gift you can give your father. Do you understand?”
I tilt my head down and nod, fat tears still sliding down my cheeks. I feel a bit like an idiot, but he’s right. He’s almost always right. I’m being selfish.
“Okay,” I say. “Fine. But don’t you dare die while I’m out trying to get the girl.”
He coughs a little. “Boy, I
still gotta give you your Christmas present,” he says. “I don’t have any plans to die yet.”
I laugh a little. After an examination, he seems a bit better. It won’t last--it’ll keep going up and down, up and down, until it’s all the way down. He doesn’t have long left.
But if I know anything about my father it’s that he’s stubborn. And if he says he’s going to live until Christmas, then, by God, he’s going to live until Christmas.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
JESS
I think my mom is right. In fact, I know she’s right. On the other hand, I looked like an absolute mess when I ran into Rudy, and I know for a fact that my confidence took a hit. That’s why I think that getting myself a new outfit and going for a last minute blow out at Betty’s is going to do me a world of good.
I’m feeling a little better, but I plan to do every single thing I need to do with my mom’s car. She would normally keep me company, but she has a charity thing to go to and there’s no way to move it, so we decide to meet up for lunch later. My dad is going to the office, though technically, he retired years ago. They have rehired him as a consultant, which I think is something my mom finagled so that he wouldn’t be at home all the time. That would drive her completely insane.
I know the mall is going to be full of people, so I head to the strip mall near the medical plaza. That’s also going to be shock full of people, but it won’t be quite as bad. I have to park sort of far away, but I’m in no rush. I can take it slow so that my foot and leg won’t get any more hurt than they already are.
I head to a bargain bin clothes store. It’s going to take me a little bit of hunting, but I’m sure I can find something that will help me with Rudy. I don’t think a piece of clothing will necessarily wow him, but considering the state he has seen me in, anything will be better.
After a little bit of looking around, I find a beautiful knee-length a-line dress that’s a shade of salmon pink that’s bound to look great with my skin. After finding shoes that match, I buy a sparkly cubic zirconia necklace to make the dress really pop.
I’m happy with my purchase. I’m less happy with the way I’m walking, but I’m hoping we can have this conversation sitting down, though I don’t know where. Even with all the conversations we’ve had, I don’t think I’ve managed to get his phone number. I don’t want to ask my mom about it and there’s no one else I know that would give me his phone number without gossiping about it.
I’m thinking about that as I head out of the store when someone I vaguely know catches my eye. That happens a lot in this town, but most people don’t stop to say hello.
She waves at me and I stop walking immediately. I smile at her, though I definitely don’t recognize her at first. “Hey,” I say when she keeps on waving, tilting my head and narrowing my eyes a little to see if I can remember her name. Unfortunately, I’m drawing a blank. I smile at her a little. “It’s so good to see you.”
It might be. I wouldn’t know. I still don’t know who this person is, though she seems enthusiastic. She cocks her head and her eyes narrow. “It’s good to see you, Jess,” she says. “When I met up with Rudy, he said, ‘Laura, Jess has been asking after you.”
I haven’t, and I’m certain Rudy said no such thing, but I’m grateful to her for giving me that out.
“I have,” I say. We both know it’s a lie, but never-the-less. “How have you been?”
“You know,” she replies. “Same old, same old. Wouldn’t want to bore you with the details. What about you?”
“Nothing much,” I replied. “Just back in town for the holidays.”
“Only for the holidays?”
I hesitate for a second before I answer. “Maybe a little longer,” I say. “I do love being home.”
“Totally,” she says. “I get that. Rudy seemed very happy to be home too.”
“Oh? Have you seen him a lot?”
“Just once,” she replies. “He took me on a date.”
My eyes widen.
She sighs a little. “He’s so nice,” she says. “And so handsome.”
“Yeah,” I reply. “He is.”
She waves me off. “You’re a lucky one, Jess,” she says. “Hopefully you deserve it. Merry Christmas, okay? Say hello to your folks for me.”
“And you,” I say as she walks away from me. I feel a little baffled by the way she’s walking away from me, and I can’t help but play what she just said over and over in my brain.
Hopefully you deserve it.
I hope so too. I grab my things, get in my mom’s car, and drive back to my parents’ house. Before I park in the driveway, I notice that Rudy’s car is parked in front of his house, and I know I need to speak to him. I decide to dress up before I go over to his house, but I know I can’t take long, because I don’t know how long he’ll be at home for. He seems to keep a really strange schedule.
I can’t run inside, but I wobble until I’m getting ready in the guest bathroom downstairs. I don’t look stunning, not by any means, but at least I look presentable. My parents aren’t in, which is good, because I don’t want to have to explain what I’m trying to do to my mom. Not yet.
I take a deep breath before I step outside and scan his house for signs of his car. He’s still there.
Good. That means I still have a chance of catching him. I hop in my mom’s car, drive over, and wobble toward his porch. I’m trying to practice what I’m going to say, but my head feels like it’s swimming as my heart beats fast in my chest.
“You got this,” I tell myself quietly. I don’t feel like I got this, but I’m trying.
I begin to walk up the stairs when the door swings open. Rudy is standing in front of me. There are bags under his eyes, and he looks really tired. He flashes me a brief smile when he sees me. “Jess,” he says. “I was about to go looking for you.”
“Well, you don’t have to,” I reply. “I’m here.”
He looks me up and down. “Where are you going after this?”
“What do you mean?”
He licks his lips. “You’re all dressed up,” he says. “Where are you going after this?”
“Nowhere,” I reply. “Can I come in?”
He furrows his brow before his eyes widens. “Of course!” he replies. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so rude--”
“No, you’re not--”
He walks down the steps and lends me his arm so that I can support my weight on him. “Come in,” he says as we both walk up the steps, together. I can smell him, and he smells like he always did, slightly metallic and really magnetic.
I lean my head on his shoulder. I don’t plan to, but I can’t help myself, and when I do, he stops for a second. It only takes a second, maybe less than that, but I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have done it because he seems taken aback. Then he continues walking, along with me, and I smile at him.
He smiles back, his eyes glimmering. It’s just getting dark now and I love looking at him. Even if things don’t work out, and it’s possible they won’t, I’ll be happy I got to look at him. He truly is gorgeous to look at, even when there are bags under his eyes and his skin is puffy.
We walk toward his door, slowly, because it hurts to walk any faster, until he pushes it open for me.
It’s exactly the same as it was before, with leftovers of our brunch on his coffee table. When he notices I spot it, he smiles at me a little sadly. “I just haven’t had a chance to clean it up.”
“You’re busy,” I say. “And you genuinely don’t have to justify yourself to me.”
He nods. “I know that,” he says. “But still. Do you want to sit down?”
“Yes,” I reply.
“I’d offer you wine, but I’m guessing you’re on medication that might interact with alcohol?”
“Yes,” I reply after a second, then shake my head. “It’s annoying that you know that.”
He smiles at me. “Stay here,” he says. “I’ll bring you some lemonade.”
He stands up an
d begins to walk away. I watch him as he heads into the kitchen, and think about what I’m going to set as he sets a tray of two lemonades down.
“You didn’t just make that,” I say.
“No,” he replies. “Someone brought it for me.”
I cock my head, but don’t ask questions. I don’t want to pry. He sits down across from me and I flash him a quick smile, though I’m not brave enough to keep looking at him. “There’s something I need to tell you,” I say.
“What?”
I bite my lips before I answer.
“Is it about your leg? Because--”
“It’s not about my leg, Rudy,” I reply. “My leg is fine. Thank you.”
He stares at me for a second before he nods, sits down in front of me, and waits.
He doesn’t say anything. I wonder if he has learned that waiting is a virtue, but I know I can’t make him wait for too long. He’s already waited years. We both have.
“I think I owe you an apology,” I start, looking down at my knees. “When I first saw you, I was so angry. But then, as we spoke, I realized something.”
He remains silent. I don’t want to look up at him.
“You didn’t have all the information,” I say, my voice little more than a whisper. “You didn’t have all the information and you acted out of love. I get that now. I can’t believe I didn’t get it before.”
“What information?” he asks.
I take a deep breath before I speak. “I wasn’t going to dump you, Rudy,” I say after a while. “I was going to ask you to come with me. I wanted you with me. Ever since we were kids.”
I do look up at him then, and our gazes meet. His mouth has fallen open, and there’s a sheen of sweat on his face. He is stunning, and I can’t believe I’ve almost lost my chance with him. Being brave is scary, but I know this is what I have to do. I know this is the right thing.
“You were going to...”
“Ask you to come with me,” I say. “To school, to where I was heading. I wanted you there.”
The Perfect Present Page 8
