by Shobhaa De
So, you see, we can never take the presence of children for granted. They are the little people who understand a lot. They may not articulate it—ever! But everything has registered. And those memories remain for life. Not all memories are this depressing, of course! But if you think about it, our major relationships are memory-driven. Positive memories reinforce feelings of love and loyalty. Negative ones fester and create alienation. As adults, we train ourselves to rationalize a lot of the ‘bad stuff’, take it in our stride and move on. We have to! Or else we get stuck in a negative past that doesn’t allow us to forge healthy bonds with people we interact with. It leads to a lack of trust and unresolved hatred. When I meet people who, without really doing or saying anything, make me recoil for no logical reason, I put it down to our energy fields clashing. God knows there’s no rational explanation for this reaction.
As soon as you sense something that’s like an early warning system, stay away. The trick is not to show your antipathy. In most cases, the feelings are mutual. In some cases, they can be reversible too. But that’s pretty rare. The social survival kit tells you how to deal with such individuals. Let me share a few of my basic rules: I am wary of people who come on too strongly minutes after being introduced. My first question to myself is: What does he/she want? Yes. It is a cynical response. But experience is the best teacher, as they say. In the past, I would extend a pretty long rope and give the person the benefit of the doubt. No more. I have neither the time nor the energy to invest. Flattery can be pretty irresistible, depending on the skills of the flatterer. But if you are honest with yourself, you will know the difference between a genuine compliment and a fake gush.
Dulhanji, adjust karo
Within the conservative framework of extended families, it’s important for the new entrant to pick up clues without being constantly prompted. Young brides of today don’t want to be patronized or spoken down to. There is a great deal of mutual adjustment involved. This takes skill, time and patience. I always tell the brides (if they ask me!) to put their sensitive egos aside during the first few weeks and learn, observe, file. Don’t worry at this stage about ‘asserting’ yourself. Life in a new family is hard—not just for the bride, but for the groom as well. Accept that you are the ‘outsider’ who needs to put in that little bit of an extra effort as an ‘investment’.
I know how hard it is for a young bride to suddenly start feeling ‘love’ for the strangers who surround her. There’s no need to fake that love. It will come—if it comes—when it has to. What counts is effort. Genuine effort.
Showing respect to family elders should be the basic rule for both sides. Finding your own space in the new set-up may take years—you are warned. But if you start claiming it from day one, you will find it isolates not just you, but your spouse as well. The first six months should be spent in understanding the rhythm of both families. Clearly, it isn’t the same. You have your own specific beat, which needs to harmonize with that of the others—‘Taal se taal milao’—as the lovely old song suggests. Silence is power. Silence is wisdom. If something upsets you, resolve it with your partner privately. Table your concerns, but only after thinking about them calmly. Running to your mummy’s home each time you face a mini crisis displays your personal insecurity. Pick your battles with care. Stand up for what you believe in—but do so while maintaining your dignity.
I know how hard it is for a young bride to suddenly start feeling ‘love’ for the strangers who surround her. There’s no need to fake that love. It will come—if it comes—when it has to. What counts is effort. Genuine effort. This is definitely a two-way process. But often effort is missing from one side or the other. The pressure on the bride is far greater, since it is she who will be under a scanner 24/7. She will be the one being judged, scrutinized. For starters, it’s useful to memorize names. Brides who address long-lost uncles, cousins, aunts and distant relatives by name are appreciated a little more! Ditto for the groom who shows interest in getting to know his new wife’s folks by name. You may think this is a minor aspect of ‘adjustment’. You’d be surprised how touchy people are about names getting mangled or forgotten.
Family equations are the most baffling, complex and confounding equations of all. Tomes are written on ‘managing’ a mother-in-law. This has given the poor woman a really bad reputation. Today’s mother-in-law is a different animal. I’m not sure which one is worse—the stereotype from yesteryears, or the ‘cool’ mother-in-law of today who wants to go clubbing with the kids (did I just describe myself?) It’s an important and delicate balance that requires fine-tuning. One of my closest friends is a great mother-in-law. I watch her keenly and marvel at how seamlessly she manages to stay involved and yet distance herself, as required. When her young and impetuous daughter hit a huge obstacle in her marriage, I was wondering what my friend would do. Advise her to pack her bags and rush home? Or to stay put and suffer, hoping it will all blow over? There was much at stake—the usual—children, money, home. My friend was remarkably calm. She placed multiple options in front of the daughter and asked her to identify the one that would work in the long term. She did not panic. And she didn’t call her son-in-law vile names. Nor did she plan a family summit to confront the wayward husband in the presence of his parents. As she put it, ‘I am only concerned with the welfare of my daughter and the grandchildren. I have to think of their interests—financial and emotional. The rest is unimportant.’
What she did tell her daughter was this: ‘You always have a place to stay at our home. You and the children are free to move in tomorrow . . . tonight. But will that solve your problem?’ Perhaps a lot of daughters need to hear just those words: ‘You always have a home . . .’ Most parents are reluctant to say that in our society. Too often, rash, hasty decisions are taken by a distressed spouse because all doors appear closed.
The issue got resolved to the satisfaction of both parties, mainly because tact and sensitivity were deployed, keeping in mind various practical factors involving the children’s education. It’s been a struggle. The transition was hard on everyone. But it could have been a lot worse had my friend encouraged her daughter to go to war and to hell with the broader consequences. It is to the credit of the man’s parents that they too thought of the children and counselled their son in a sensible manner. Who is to say whether this is the only route to ‘save’ a floundering marriage? Every case is unique and cannot be compared. But when I run into my friend’s daughter with her family these days, it certainly makes me believe in the power of reconciliation and healing.
I recall the words of a girlfriend who is my age and has been through a lot in her forty-year marriage, which has faced unusual challenges given her precarious health. After a recent scare, she was back in town and we got talking. She was in a candid mood and looking back at her early years as a newly married girl, full of hope and expectations. Considering her education and background, I was stunned when she told me what her mother had said to her when she was leaving her maternal home to go to her new one. ‘The only time you will leave your husband’s home is when they bring your body out for the funeral. The doors of this home are closed to you forever—make no mistake. Your place is in your husband’s home from this moment on.’
I couldn’t believe what I had heard. My friend was crying at the memory. She added, ‘My mother was not being harsh or cruel. This is the way it was! My friends at college had been told the same thing. We never doubted for a minute that our mothers meant it.’ That told me so much about my friend and her stoic acceptance of all that transpired in her marriage. After her emotional outburst had waned, she grinned, ‘I have now reached the point when I have made my peace with my life the way it is. If my husband is playing around behind my back—I don’t want to know.’ Cowardly, practical, cold-blooded, calculating or resigned?
The evening ended on a jaunty note. We made plans to meet in New York. She was busy working on an exciting new project. Her children were well settled. Her husband was steadily movi
ng up the corporate ladder, going from one glorious assignment to the next. They had been ardent lovers once. Today, they were supportive companions. She wasn’t complaining. I guess he had never had much to complain about. It was all good.
Handling troubled marriages is a skill few possess. If that troubled marriage happens to be your own—God help you! At that point all one can see is darkness with no glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Fortunately, things have changed a lot in cities, and professional counselling is readily available. Most marriage counsellors are pretty competent and handle couples with the required sensitivity. Marriage courts too have changed their old, inflexible positions (‘Go back to your marital home. ADJUST!’) and are more receptive to at least giving a fair hearing to the battling couple before passing judgement. Modern marriage requires a modern approach. One can’t automatically assume everything will be tickety-boo once the couple is publicly shamed and reprimanded (twenty years ago, it was that or nothing). Today, the judges themselves are more sympathetic. If they advise couples to try and make a go of it, they also offer practical solutions. It is not unusual to hear a judge say, ‘Try for an out-of-court settlement. Do it amicably.’
This is the same advice caring parents should offer children if the couple is struggling to deal with common marriage issues. Unless, of course, there is cruelty, abuse or worse involved. Society continues to be pretty hard on couples on the verge of splitting. Taking sides becomes mandatory if both parties have common friends. This is when mothers and mothers-in-law can play a key role in cushioning the trauma. I always request mothers to take a deep, deep breath when a child announces his/her intention to file for divorce. ‘Do not slap your forehead and start cursing your fate!’ I tell them, adding, ‘This is not about you and your fate. Your daughter/son needs your support—just give it! Do it unconditionally.’ Sometimes, the child wants to just talk, get things off his/her chest. Let it flow—the words, the tears, the blame. Listen with empathy without jumping in with advice—‘In your place I would not have said this, or done that’.
If it’s a daughter with young children, offer to keep the kids with you for a while. Take them all on a short holiday. Keep her mind distracted. Most importantly, feed her! We forget the role food plays in our lives. A sad person often forgets to eat. Sometimes even to sip water. Dehydration and hunger play games with the mind. Endless cups of coffee or glasses of wine don’t help at all. They add to the all-consuming depression. But comfort food, like piping hot dal chawal, pizza or khichdi, reach spots that hours of sage advice can’t. When in doubt—eat!
Men are more reluctant to share their woes with family and friends. They mistakenly believe they can ‘handle it’. Perhaps a father needs to step in at some point and have a man-to-man talk with the son. This can be extremely awkward given that even modern-day dads are a bit nervous around their sons and vice versa. Men are self-conscious about showing their emotions to start with. If those emotions are sensitive and negative, most men withdraw into the cave and stay there, hoping the dark clouds will roll away on their own. Since they are reluctant to share deeper emotions, it is important to read their body language and respond with sensitivity. Slouched shoulders are the first indication something is wrong.
I thought about this during a recent family wedding, when the focus was almost exclusively on the women and how they were dealing with the many demands of a traditional Indian shaadi. The men were left to their own devices and not really consulted unless the issue involved money. I thought it was a bit unfair. Then again, did the men really want to participate in matters like ‘Which is the best place to order fresh haldi–chandan for the bride?’ I couldn’t see them trudging along for trousseau shopping either. Did they feel left out? Nobody asked! Culturally, we are brainwashed to exclude menfolk from such expeditions, with reasons such as ‘men find shopping boring’. I know men who are very keen shoppers and happy to accompany ladies to the market. Often, we assume too much, too soon.
During wedding preps, we imagine the bridegroom is doing just fine. What does he have to worry about? Everything is being done for him by his adoring relatives. True. But that’s the stuff one can see—clothes, accessories. What about the man’s emotional landscape? Bridegrooms have panic attacks too. Marriage is as monumental a change for the groom as it is for the bride. We rarely reassure the groom that it’s okay to feel nervous. All the fussing is reserved for the bride. The groom is supposed to get drunk and stay drunk. But what if he is a teetotaller? That is never an option!
Culturally, we are brainwashed to exclude menfolk from such expeditions, with reasons such as ‘men find shopping boring’. I know men who are very keen shoppers and happy to accompany ladies to the market. Often, we assume too much, too soon.
Ditto for warring young couples. Those involved in the battle automatically assume it’s the wife who needs cosseting. And the husband is left to his own devices, even by his own family. ‘He’s a man. He can take it.’ He’s also a human being, just like the wife. Both of them are experiencing pain. Perhaps the intensity of the pain differs. But this is not a ‘pain contest’. Pain is pain. Since the frequency of early divorce (within the first five years of marriage) has shot up dramatically, it’s important for both sets of parents to get together and counsel their children jointly. At least try it, for starters. Face-to-face meetings often bring prickly issues out into the open. And since both sides are equally represented, the feelings of rage and revenge can be better absorbed, even dealt with there and then. Parents should not duck this important responsibility, even if they feel most uncomfortable. Children need guidance—no matter the age and stage. They may not ask for a summit, but it is worth initiating. If things have turned so acrimonious that both parties feel the marriage has reached a point of no return, it is still worth giving that joint meeting a shot. It may last for two minutes, or two days! But it will definitely lead to a better understanding of what led to the breakdown.
If such a meeting does happen, it’s crucial to follow a few basic civilities, before the tirade begins. Keep young children out of it completely. Meet at a neutral venue. A family elder, known and trusted by the two sets, always acts as a sobering influence and can be appealed to equally by both to arbitrate at the right point. Keeping one’s cool is not easy. Emotions are volatile and can get out of control. If the young couple gets into a ‘You did this, you said that’ conversation, don’t intervene and stop them. Often, it is just the means of catharsis they both need. Let them shout, scream and cry. Once the fury subsides, take a short break, drink lots of water. Eat a snack. Never argue on an empty stomach!
It usually gets ugly and spiteful. What saves time is lists. Eventually, it’s about ‘You took this . . . you took that . . . just return everything!’ If there is a list in place with all transactions clearly stated, it is quicker to table it at this meeting (you may not get another chance!) and get everyone present to sign. Sounds horrible. But who says divorce is pretty? I have witnessed parents of the couple fighting over two zari sarees and six silver katoris, even though they were both millionaires many times over! Ideally, distribute CDs with images of all the disputed items. These can be scrutinized at leisure and decisions reached as to who gets to keep what.
Avoid lawyers.
It’s best to sit down together and figure out mutually acceptable terms, if divorce is inevitable. Suggest a ‘cooling-off’ period of two months. Encourage the couple to talk to one another and keep communication lines open. So much can be resolved if people are sensible and treat this traumatic development with more sensitivity. Friends wonder: ‘Can divorced couples stay friends?’ The unambiguous answer is ‘yes’. But let me qualify. They cannot become casual hi–bye buddies/lovers on an easy-come-easy-go basis. It is a waste of time to try this. But they needn’t turn into sworn enemies either. Respect each other’s identity as individuals. And move on in a dignified manner. It is possible. Washing dirty linen in public only adds to your laundry bills. Serves zero purpose too. Refrai
n! No matter how much you have consumed at the friendly neighbourhood bar! Once you split—that’s it. You are no longer a ‘couple’. Accept that. And other mundane details will fall into place after some time. Acknowledge each other in public. There is no reason why you shouldn’t. You have shared a bed (and bathroom!) once. It’s the decent thing to do. If both have new partners, make the effort to greet the person. It won’t kill you.
It’s best to sit down together and figure out mutually acceptable terms, if divorce is inevitable. Suggest a ‘cooling-off’ period of two months. Encourage the couple to talk to one another and keep communication lines open.
Toxic is as toxic does
Young people often ask me, ‘How difficult is it to conceal one’s negative feelings? Should one hide or express them?’ That depends on the specifics, doesn’t it? You may detest your boss or the husband/wife of a colleague. It happens all the time. Why show your animosity? Is it worth the backlash that is sure to follow? Then comes the question of hypocrisy. Should one play-act all the time? It’s a lot of strain, let me tell you. My own experiences have been largely positive, except for a few times. The fact that the memory still stings so many years later means I must have been pretty hurt back then.
I was young, immature and inexperienced. I thought speaking my mind was a birthright. It was my first job. I was sincere but a bit too impetuous. I also talked a great deal more than was needed. When I was assigned to work with a far more senior colleague, I plunged in cheerfully, with the sort of enthusiasm that must have annoyed the jaded, cynical man. I didn’t pick up on the vibe, and for the longest time I couldn’t understand his hostility and coldness towards me. I was a newbie. He could have been kinder, a little more patient. He wasn’t. After a while, his attitude got to me—I became surly and short when he asked me questions about the assignment. I thought he was belittling me, often in the presence of other colleagues. I couldn’t keep my own resentment under wraps. The entire atmosphere became charged and ugly. One fine day, I walked into the managing partner’s office to say I was quitting. Fortunately, this person was much more mature in his handling of the situation. Without getting into the nitty-gritty of my issues with the other man, he promptly and smoothly offered me another assignment.
