by FJ Campbell
Finally he broke the silence. ‘So, was I right? Are we at school together? I’m Zack.’
‘Zack?’ she managed to croak.
He looked like he was trying not to laugh. ‘And you are…?’
‘Beth Atkinson.’
‘Ahhh, yes, I thought that’s who you were. You’re the one the whole rugby team’s so keen on, I believe. It really is a pleasure to meet you at last,’ he drawled, never taking his eyes off hers.
‘Oh, you’re in Milo’s rugby team, are you?’
‘Milo’s rugby team? That’s a good one, I must remember that.’ At last he broke his gaze and sat back in his seat, closing his eyes. ‘You should hear some of the things they say about you, it would make you blush. Mind you, you don’t look much like the blushing type, am I right?’
‘Not really.’ She tried to keep her voice level. ‘Look, do you… would you like your window seat? I’m reading, so it doesn’t make any difference to me…’
He shook his head and so she opened her book again and pretended she was concentrating on the words. He took the hint and settled back in his seat, closing his eyes and smiling. When she realised she had read the same line three times, Beth dared to sneak a look sideways and found herself caught out – he was staring at her again.
‘My God, you are quite a beauty, and I should know, I’ve seen a few girls in my time, but none of them in your league. You’re actually giving me a hard-on right now—’
‘Don’t be so revolting, that’s the most disgusting thing I have ever heard,’ she hissed. She knew she should try to keep her cool, even though her heart was racing. Who did he think he was? Nobody had ever dared to speak to her like this before. And yet, though her head was outraged, her stomach was turning over and over because – the lady had been right – this rude, arrogant, dirty boy was the sexiest person Beth had ever met. A sixteen-year-old Adonis. They were so close, she could have touched him. He magnetised her and repelled her at the same time. She felt a hot panic, a loss of control, and fought to turn away. With trembling hands and burning with shame, she hid behind her book. She wanted to get up from her seat, get away from him, but her legs wouldn’t allow her to move. What was happening to her?
Beth wondered when the journey would ever end, and at the same time hoped it never would. She was desperate to get herself under control. What was she going to do at Melchester, when Zack would get off the train too; what if they had to take a taxi together back to school? Thirty miles in the back of a dark taxi with him. Could he keep his hands to himself? Did she want him to? She imagined him touching her, on her arm or her knee, somewhere totally innocuous, but the thought of that made her stomach flip over again. It would just about be the end of her.
At last, the train pulled into Melchester station and Beth steeled herself to look at him. He was standing up, running his hand through his hair, checking his reflection in the window.
‘Would you mind passing me my bag?’ she said.
‘What’s the magic word, young lady?’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, I’ll get it myself.’
‘My, what language. Not so much of a lady, then, perhaps?’ He reached up effortlessly, pulled down her bag and handed it to her. He didn’t even lower his voice when he said to her, ‘I wish this journey had been longer. More time to get to know each other better. I’ve got a couple of people to meet in town before I go back to Alcatraz. See you at school.’ He turned away from her and moved nimbly through the carriage, which was packed with people struggling with luggage.
Not if I see you first, thought Beth.
*
Half an hour later, Beth was back at school, lying face up on her bed, staring at the ceiling. The stripes of bright colours on the kikois that Sav had brought back from Kenya for Livvy swirled in front of her eyes as she gazed and gazed at them. Livvy came in after dinner and flopped down next to her on the single bed.
‘How was your weekend? How was Edward? Did you snog him yet?’
‘Good, nice, and no.’
‘You OK? You seem to be rather at sixes and sevens, my lovely friend.’
‘Mmm… what? I… umm… met this guy from The Island on the train, do you know him – I think his name was Zack?’
Livvy raised her eyebrows and tucked her hands under her head. ‘Ah, what to say about Monsieur Zachary Smythe? Where shall I start? Let me see: his mother is French, interior decorator to the stars, filthy rich of course. Has a place in London, Notting Hill I think. This is the best bit – she had this steamy and long-running affair with minor royalty, the duke of somewhere or other. And she was married the whole time to a doctor, and it carried on, the affair I mean, until he divorced her, leaving Madame Smythe and the duke to carry on more or less in public. They’re not married, though. Now and again you see something written about them in the papers, and last year or the year before, Zack, his mother and the duke were photographed in the royal box at Wimbledon, and it was pretty clear that he’s Zack’s father; they are the spit of each other. The truth were loud.’
‘What’s that, Livs? About the truth?’
‘The truth were loud. What? Why are you laughing? I don’t get it.’
Beth clutched her stomach and wiped the tears away from her eyes. ‘That is a classic. You mean of course The truth will out. Not were loud – will out.’
Livvy looked annoyed. ‘Well, that’s not how I say it.’
‘But it’s wrong, how you say it.’
‘Says who?’
‘Launcelot Gobbo, for one.’
Livvy looked unconvinced. ‘I don’t know him.’
‘It doesn’t even make any sense. If anything it would be “The truth was loud.”’
‘I thought it was, you know, cockney or something.’
Beth started laughing again.
Livvy tutted. ‘Do you want to hear about Zack or not?’
‘Yes, yes, of course. Carry on, please. Ignore me.’
‘Right. Well, of course, Zack isn’t the least bit worried about all this, in fact he’s rather proud of his “lineage”, as he calls it. Apart from all that, he’s a good laugh; really sarcastic, you know, very cool and charming when he wants to be. And very easy on the eye, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.’
‘How do you know so much about everyone?’ asked Beth, amazed.
‘I’ve been at this school for more than five years now; these are the people I live with. I want to know about them, and I think it’s important to know about their families, their parents’ jobs, who they are, where they come from. You never know, might come in handy one of these days.
‘Anyway, back to Zack. Now the not-so-good bits. He hangs out a lot with the girls in the fourth and fifth years; he likes ’em young, and he’s a bit of a tart.’
‘How do you mean, a tart?’ Beth tried to keep her voice impassive.
‘He’s been out with a lot of girls, the younger ones I mean; he doesn’t do long-term. He’s never been out with anyone from our year. So what did he say to you? What did you think of him?’
‘I thought he was arrogant, vain and rude.’
‘So, you like him then?’
*
Beth woke up early the next morning, taking a long shower before the morning rush. She chose her clothes with care, let her hair dry naturally and put on a bit of make-up – not enough for the teachers to notice; she knew exactly how far to push it. Then she sat at her desk and did an hour’s work to finish an essay on The Tempest before breakfast.
‘Morning, beautiful,’ Livvy mumbled at 7.30, rubbing her eyes and sitting up. ‘What are you doing up so bright and early? Blimey, you do look radiant today. What’s the occasion?’
‘Nothing. I’m off to breakfast. See you in assembly.’
At breakfast, she steered clear of Mel and Justin Ravensdale, who were sitting opposite each other, on their own, at a table in the middle of the dining hall. That’s a new development, Beth thought, and wondered idly if Milo would mind. Mel hadn’t spoken to her since the
New Year. As she walked past, Justin whispered something in Mel’s ear.
Beth sat instead with a girl called Susanna from another house, who she knew from the swimming team and who was in her history class. Susanna’s boyfriend Finn appeared and told Beth that everyone had seen her and Markham at the paddock last Saturday and leaving for the weekend together. Everyone at hockey training had been saying they were shagging, but Milo had got all hot under the collar, not for the first time either, and told them all it wasn’t true.
While Finn and Susanna talked, Beth kept looking over their shoulders, wondering when Zack would come to breakfast. She sat there for over an hour, other people coming and going, the table filling and emptying. Still no Zack. She sighed, exasperated, gave up and went to fetch her books for her first lesson.
All day she looked for him. She didn’t know which A Levels he was taking; he wasn’t in any of her classes. At lunch it was the same story: she sat there for ages and looked around, but he didn’t show up. It was like he wasn’t in school. Annoyed, she made her way to the pool for swimming practice after lunch.
She changed into her swimming costume, showered quickly, grabbed her goggles, cap and towel and pushed open the door out of the changing rooms into the pool area. And there he was. Sitting on one of the benches, alone, in a pair of red swimming shorts. She looked down at her feet and ignored him as she tried to walk past.
‘I dreamt about you last night,’ he said, loud enough for her, but nobody else, to hear.
She stopped in front of him and held her towel in front of her body. ‘I didn’t know you did swimming.’
‘It was a very enjoyable dream. I was rather sorry to wake up.’
‘Did you switch sports?’
‘I’ve been trying to find you all day to tell you about it.’
‘Well, here I am.’
‘Yes, here you are.’
Beth’s heart was thudding painfully in her chest. She had to try and breathe. Look normal. She put her hand on her hip. Breathe. ‘And?’
‘You want me to tell you now? Here? In front of all these people?’ He smirked, stood up and stepped towards her. Close up, she could see his smooth, hairless skin and the wiry muscles of his chest and arms. He moved slowly, his head cocked to one side, and put his mouth next to her ear. ‘So you do blush. Let’s talk about it later.’
Shaking, her legs almost giving way underneath her, she remained rooted to the spot while he sauntered off towards the rest of the group, who were warming up near the diving boards. She gathered herself together and joined them, keeping her distance from Zack, who looked bored by everyone and everything. She made it through training, just about, and hurried to the changing rooms, turned the shower up as hot as it went, and stayed in it for as long as she could bear, until she was sure everyone else would have left the sports hall.
*
Having been unable to catch a glimpse of him all morning, now she saw him everywhere she went. He always stared at her with that arrogant, penetrating gaze, and every time she had to look away before he did, unable to bear the way it made her feel. She felt like she had a flashing neon sign above her head reading, I WANT YOU.
She had a double free period at the end of the day, so went to one of the libraries off the main corridor and tried to concentrate on reading about the Spanish Civil War for her history class tomorrow. The page swam in front of her. She felt a tap on her shoulder, and Theo Revel, Guy’s thirteen-year-old brother, gave her a folded note, smiled shyly at her and sat down at a table on the other side of the room. Confused, Beth unfolded the note. What did Theo want? Was it a note he’d delivered from Guy or Milo?
Later is now. I’m waiting outside. Z
Shit, thought Beth, I can’t go, I’m going to make a total fool of myself. I’ll ignore him, stay here, where it’s safe. She was trembling again; why did even the thought of him affect her like that? Relax, breathe, calm down. She remained in the library until the bell rang for dinner, staying seated until the room had emptied, giving Theo a wave as he walked by.
She sat for a while longer, nervously drumming her fingers on the desk, staring out of the window at the darkness. Five, ten minutes went by; she didn’t know how long. When she was sure he wouldn’t be waiting outside any more, she gathered all her unread books together and put them in her bag. She turned towards the door and nearly screamed to see Zack sitting on a desk at the back of the library, feet up on a chair, staring straight at her.
‘Are you by any chance trying to avoid me, Atkinson?’ He was smiling as usual, a smile that said, I know the effect I have on you.
‘Christ alive, you scared the crap out of me. How long have you been there?’
‘Long enough. Come here.’
‘Look, whatever creepy shit you want to describe to me will have to wait. I’m not interested. I’ve heard about you.’
‘Been checking up on me? How sweet.’
Beth moved up the central aisle between the desks towards the door, but as she drew level with him, he said, ‘I’ve been checking up on you too, and it would seem I’ve got my work cut out for me. Half the school’s got a crush on you, including our esteemed head boy and our mutual friend Farmer West.’
‘Didn’t your mother tell you not to listen to gossip?’
Zack shrugged. ‘Only passing on what I heard.’
Beth pretended to be bored. ‘All right then, what’ve you heard?’
‘That you and West spent the night together, in the summer holidays after the Melchester races.’
Bloody Livvy.
‘And that you went skiing with Markham and his family at New Year.’
‘That’s not true; Edward asked me but I didn’t go. And Milo and I are just friends.’
‘Clearly, he doesn’t quite see it that way. Or Markham. Mind you, I don’t blame you for blowing them out. They’ve got to be two of the most boring people I’ve ever met. You’re too good for them.’
‘Oh, but not too good for you, I suppose?’
‘Touché, Atkinson.’ He sprang down from the desk and stood between her and the doors.
She took a step back and bumped her hip into a desk on the other side of the aisle. Shit. Ow. If he comes any closer now, I don’t know what I’ll do. Jesus, what do I do? If she could just concentrate on his mouth, on that one part of him, maybe… maybe… Oh fuck, this isn’t working.
He stood still and gazed at her with his pale green eyes, as if he knew how uncomfortable he was making her. ‘I feel like I know you,’ he said in a low voice.
‘Well, you don’t.’
‘I know one thing. You’re the kind of girl that makes everyone unhappy.’
‘Wh… what? Why?’
‘You’re so beautiful, you make all these boys fall in love with you. Then you break their hearts. After that, they’re not interested in any other girls, so you break the hearts of the girls too. Everyone’s unhappy, all because of you.’
Beth thought of Milo and Melanie at New Year. She frowned. ‘Bullshit, stop talking crap.’
Zack laughed. ‘OK, I will. But it’s true that you’re beautiful and it’s true that I dreamt about you last night and I’m hoping to do so again tonight. To be continued, Atkinson.’ He stepped away from her, blew her a kiss and turned and left the library.
*
It was the same story every day that week. She saw him at swimming practice, and it mortified her that they were so close to each other, with not many clothes on. She saw him at lunch, staring at her, making her look away quickly, down at her shoes, anywhere but at him. She saw him in the corridors, in the tuck shop, in the library. And every time, even though there were loads of people around them, the way he looked at her or spoke to her made her feel like they were all alone.
On Thursday, she sat with Milo at breakfast as they ran through the plan for the Cold Comfort Farm auditions that evening. They arranged to meet at the theatre after their final lessons of the day. When Milo left the dining hall, which was by now almost deserted,
Beth noticed he’d left his tatty jumper on the bench next to her. She heard his footsteps return to collect it and picked it up, holding it out to him without looking up from her folder.
‘Thanks, but it’s not my size,’ drawled a low voice.
Beth jumped. ‘What do you want, Zack?’
‘Bit snippy, aren’t you? I’d like to audition for your play.’
Beth frowned. ‘Which part?’
‘Seth Starkadder, of course.’
‘You’re not right for that part.’
‘Why not, may I ask?’
Beth stood up, closed her folder with the photocopied audition scripts inside it and put it into her bag along with her tattered copy of Cold Comfort Farm. She ran her shaking hand through her hair. Get a grip, she thought.
‘OK, come if you want. I’ll put your name on the list.’
‘Maybe I’ll surprise you. Where and when?’
‘Theatre. Five till seven.’
‘I’ll see you at seven.’
She shook her head. ‘No, we’re finishing at seven.’
‘We?’
‘Milo, Livvy and Henry’ll be there too.’
Zack paused and looked at her. ‘Actually, I’d prefer to audition for you. Alone.’
Beth felt dizzy at the thought of being alone with him. Why was she being so pathetic? ‘You’re not the only one who wants that part. We’ve got fifty people auditioning. So I’ll see you between five and seven, or not at all. Up to you.’
She walked away from him, her head pounding and her heart racing, thinking about it over and over. Alone. With. Him.
*
Beth couldn’t concentrate that afternoon in her lessons. She went down to the theatre much earlier than she’d arranged to meet the others, and sat in the middle of the seat rows, staring at the dimly lit stage.
