by FJ Campbell
He found Beth sitting on the stairs, with people coming and going around her. Her eyes were glittering, her hair sweaty and dishevelled and her eye make-up smudged. He sat down next to her and she put her arm around him. She smelt of perfume and cigarettes.
‘Hey there, you. How’s it going?’
‘Good,’ she hiccupped. ‘Taking a break from dancing.’
‘With Edward?’
‘Uh-huh. He’s very hyper.’ She turned to him and gave him a wonky smile. ‘You know, Milo, I am very drunk and I can’t think too straight, but… what? What are you looking at…?’
Milo was staring at the front door, not believing his eyes. The music was thumping in the next room but there was a deathly silence in the hallway, as everyone stopped talking and turned to the door.
‘Hello, Atkinson. You’re a sight for sore eyes.’
Milo stood up, feeling the heat rise in his face. He took a step down, meaning to go to Zack and punch his lights out, but felt someone tugging at his shorts. He turned to see Beth scrambling up the stairs. At the top, almost out of sight, she waved frantically for him to follow her. The hallway at the top of the stairs was dimly lit, but he could see that she was pale and shaking.
‘What’s he doing here?’ she hissed.
‘He’s gatecrashing the party,’ murmured Milo in disbelief.
‘Yeah, I gathered that. Where the fuck is Edward? Not that he’s in any state to help.’ She took his hand and pulled him along the corridor until they found an empty bathroom. She locked the door behind them and sat on the edge of the bath. ‘I have to get myself sobered up. I can’t deal with him otherwise.’
Milo nodded.
She washed her face and tied her hair back. ‘Need coffee. Food. Then I’ll be OK.’
Milo showed her to a back staircase that led to the kitchen, where they sat amongst the bustling waitresses and catering staff and ate anything they could get their hands on and drank strong black coffee. They sat for a while in silence, Beth not needing to say, Please help me get through this, and Milo not needing to say, I’m here for you.
‘I thought we’d seen the last of him.’
Beth shook her head. ‘I always had a feeling that I’d see him again. Even if it was just on the TV, or at some party…’ She pressed her lips together and raised her eyebrows. ‘Shall we?’
They emerged from the kitchen to find Livvy, her face creased with concern. ‘I’ve been looking for you. Do you want to leave?’
Beth shook her head. Livvy hooked her arm into Beth’s and the three of them walked through the living room into the dark garden, and onwards until they reached a group sitting under a tree strung with garlands of lights. Milo knew Zack would come and he did, his hair shining in the lights of the house behind him. He slowed down when he saw them and sat on the dry grass. There were a few raised eyebrows and surreptitious glances to see how Beth was handling it, but nothing else was said.
Milo sat in silence and wondered if Beth felt anything for Zack any more. She didn’t talk to Milo about him, for obvious reasons. Damn him, why can’t he just stay away? Was it always going to be this way, as Beth suspected? And where the hell is Edward? Milo was ready to do whatever Beth wanted – to force Zack to leave, for example, and he knew Guy and BJ would pitch in – but he was taking his cues from her, and she was sitting by his side, giving the impression that everything was normal.
At one stage Zack ambled off and Milo saw him dancing inside the house. When he came back, he looked looped. He sat cross-legged directly in front of Beth and stared at her, his head cocked to one side. Milo felt Beth tense beside him.
‘Everything all right, Zack?’ said Livvy.
He ignored her. ‘Atkinson, I see you’re wearing that skirt of yours that I like so much.’
‘It’s actually Annabel’s skirt.’
‘Well, well, wouldn’t you know? You two always did have the same taste.’
Beth rolled her eyes. ‘It’s such a pleasure to see you again. What are you doing here? Did you come all this way just to bait me?’
‘No, I came all this way to see you. Don’t you miss me?’
‘Yes, terribly. I miss the way you cheated and lied. And the way you sold me out. I pretty much can’t live without you.’
‘Look, I’m sorry about all that. I made some mistakes. But everything’s cool now. Maybe when you’re next in London—’
‘I’ll be sure to call you if I ever need anyone to fuck up my life for me.’
Zack shrugged his shoulders and gave it up as a bad job. He turned away from Beth as if he wasn’t bothered and lit a cigarette.
Someone muttered, ‘Nice try, Zack.’
*
Later, the catering staff cleared the food, empty cups and bottles from the house and the DJ played his final songs. It was two o’clock in the morning. Most of the guests had traipsed upstairs and collapsed into their sleeping bags, or fallen asleep on the lawn or on benches in the garden.
Milo yawned and said he’d check up on Edward, who was bound to have passed out on his bed. He wondered if his own bed in one of the spare rooms was still, by some miracle, unoccupied. Beth decided to try her luck in Bonnie’s room. As they made their way upstairs, dead on their feet, Milo heard shouting outside the open front door. They paused in the darkness at the top of the stairs, eavesdropping on the heated conversation. When he realised it was Edward and Zack, Milo moved to intervene, but Beth laid her hand on his arm and motioned for him to sit and listen.
He couldn’t hear any specific words, but both boys sounded angry. Beth touched him on his hand and mimed going to bed; she looked pale and she could hardly keep her eyes open. Milo stood up and turned with her to go upstairs.
He heard a car door slam and the noise of scraping gravel. His eyes snapped up to Beth’s. If that was Zack leaving, whose car had he taken? They both turned and headed downstairs to talk to Edward, but outside, neither Edward nor Zack were anywhere to be seen. Milo squinted through the darkness and saw a car disappearing through the trees, and in the interior light he saw the shadows of two heads. Milo reeled. What were they doing together?
‘Jesus Christ,’ said Beth. ‘Which of them is driving? The drunk one or the high one? What shall we do?’
Milo was trying to think. Should they follow them? He was sober, he could drive Beth’s car, they could catch up with them and flash their lights, maybe get them to pull over. Part of him wanted to leave them to it, to go and crawl into his bed and ignore the problem. But then again, this was Edward, his friend, doing something reckless and dangerous, and he and Beth were perhaps in a position to help him. Milo decided.
‘Let’s go after them. You got your car keys handy?’
She ran to fetch them, and Milo drove off quickly in the direction they’d seen the lights vanish. It was all narrow country lanes with high hedges around here, and he really had to concentrate through his tiredness to negotiate the curves in the unlit road. He wound down his window for some fresh air. Beth was silent, sitting on her hands, staring straight ahead of her.
They came to a crossroads and he didn’t know which way to go, since he hadn’t seen Edward’s car since they’d started following him. It was like they were lost in a maze. He could be driving around all night. As Milo was turning the car around to go back to the house, he heard a screeching noise and a loud bang.
‘Shit. No.’ Milo swung the steering wheel in the direction of the noise and slammed his foot down. He turned a curve and saw Edward’s car, lights blazing, wrapped round a tree to the side of the lane. Bursting out of his door, ignoring Beth’s cries, Milo pelted towards the driver’s side. There was white blossom falling from the tree, covering the car and the ground like snow, and Edward, dazed and rubbing his shoulder, was climbing out, muttering and blinking, not seeing Milo as he shouted at him, ‘Are you OK? Are you all right?’
Milo looked back at the Beetle. Beth was out of her door and running towards Edward’s car to the passenger side. With one quick movem
ent, Milo vaulted over its concertinaed bonnet and saw in the windscreen a circular smash, splayed-out streaks like cracked ice. It can’t be. Got to get there before her, hands together, grab the passenger door, wrench it open, a scream, he stumbled at the sight of Zack, sitting back in his seat, his face streaked with red, his neck at a strange angle, the inside of the windscreen covered in blood.
No… no… no. Milo froze. He stood, his eyes unable to look away, his body unable to move. He heard Beth’s voice from far away. She was shouting at him, but what were the words she was saying? She took his shoulders, shook him and turned him towards her.
‘Milo. Milo. Listen. You’ve got to do what I say. Drive back to the house, call an ambulance. Then find Livvy, wake her up. Tell her what’s happened. She’ll know what to do.’
‘W… what? What do I do?’
‘Listen: house, ambulance, Livvy. Say it after me.’
‘H… house, Livvy, ambulance.’
‘Good enough. Go. Take Edward.’
‘What about you? You should come too.’
‘No. I’m staying here. I…’ She looked at the car. ‘I’m staying here with Zack.’
‘Shouldn’t Edward stay here too? If it’s the scene of a… crime. Or something.’
‘Take him with you, Milo. Look at him. Take him back to the house; he’ll be safe there until the police arrive. Do what I say. Now. Please.’
Milo staggered towards Edward, who was hovering near the car, touching his shoulder and still muttering to himself, ‘…just wanted him to leave… wanted to get him away… away from us… leave us alone…’
Milo grabbed him without a word and led him to the Beetle, pushing him inside and slamming the door. He had to put Edward’s seat belt on for him; he was sitting, staring ahead, his mouth moving. Milo started up the engine and reversed until he could turn in a wider section of the lane. As he drove back to the house, struggling to see the road through the black spots that obscured his vision, he regretted that he had left Beth alone at the crash. He didn’t have the faintest idea what else to do, other than what she had said, but he did know that he wanted to stay with her.
At the Markhams’, he opened Edward’s door, holding his arm to help him out of the car, then sat him on the front doorstep and ran to the phone. In a haze, he called 999 and answered the dispatcher’s questions, hung up and went to find Livvy. The house was quiet, and even Milo crashing and banging around every room, turning on lights, didn’t rouse any of the sleeping guests. In the distance, through the open windows, he heard sirens. At last he found Livvy and shook her awake.
‘Livs. Please, wake up. There’s been an accident,’ he spluttered through his tears.
‘What?’ Livvy was awake immediately. ‘Beth?’
‘No, she’s fine, Edward too. It’s Zack. He… I think he’s…’
She looked at his face. ‘Shit. Have you called the police?’
The sirens had stopped in the distance, but there was the sound of more cars pulling up on the gravel outside. They ran downstairs and saw two police officers, one male and one female, at the door. While Milo stumbled towards the door to meet them, he could hear Livvy on the phone with Anne, giving her the address.
They explained to Milo that an ambulance and another squad car had been sent to the scene of the accident. They took him outside to where a third officer was talking to Edward. Milo tripped on the front step and someone steadied him. He pulled his arm away and managed to turn his head before he was silently sick. They sat him down and asked him some questions. He heard words: fatality… windshield impact… not wearing seat belt… driving under the influence.
Livvy crouched down beside Edward and put her arm around his shoulders. She said gently, ‘Hey. Where are your parents staying tonight?’
Edward didn’t answer. He didn’t move.
Milo said, ‘They’re in Edinburgh. I don’t know which hotel, but they left a number by the phone. It should be by the phone.’
Livvy disappeared inside with the policewoman.
Milo started crying again. He felt an arm round his shoulder. Livvy. She knew what to do.
‘Anne and James are on their way. Edward’s mum and dad too, they’ll be back as soon as they can. Don’t worry, everything’s OK now.’ She soothed him and stroked his back as the sobs racked his body. All he could see when he closed his eyes was the motionless face of his childhood friend. There had been too much death in his life.
He thought, When will this ever end?
*
Beth had watched Milo drive off into the night. She moved towards the car and put her arms around Zack. Although shards of glass were sticking into her and she felt the skin on her face tear, she felt no pain. She hauled him out of the car and sat on the ground with his head in her arms as she stroked his hair and waited.
Lights and noise broke through the night. She stayed where she was, on the grass, by the car. Shapes ran towards her, arms took him from her, she heard them ask her name, they helped her to stand. She opened her mouth and the last thing she knew, the ground came rushing up towards her.
CHAPTER 25
When Beth came to, the first thing she noticed was how quiet it was. No sirens, although they were in an ambulance. She looked at the ceiling. Not to her right, where the other stretcher was. She felt calm, like someone had poured icy water into her body, and she felt no pain, even though they told her she had cuts from the glass on her head, her arms and her hands. She reached her arms up above her. They had blood on them.
At the hospital, nobody hurried; there were no doctors and nurses hurtling along corridors shouting instructions, no one screaming with pain or grief. They took her to a room, examined her and cleaned her wounds. She waited for the pain to come. She waited to feel something. She followed their instructions and answered their questions.
She waited.
Anne arrived. Muffled voices in the corridor; someone said her name. Both of her names.
She waited.
Anne drove her back to the Markhams’. She sat in the kitchen, where she and Milo had sat together a few hours ago, Help me get through this, more questions, people moving towards her and away from her, sounds and voices and lights. They took her in a car as the light of dawn was seeping up all around her, entering her eyes and forcing her to close them.
When she opened them again, she was in a bed. Livvy, red-eyed, was asleep beside her.
She heard faint cries. Someone was having a bad dream.
*
When she woke again, Livvy was gone. She sat up and felt woozy. Anne was there, James too, and they helped her. She washed and dressed in the clothes they gave her, like a child. She ate and drank what they gave her. The phone rang and rang off again.
‘Where is everyone?’
Gone home; their parents came to collect them.
‘Milo?’
He’s here. But he has to go later today. Would you like to see him?
‘Yes.’
She folded herself into his arms and felt his tears wet on her head. I’m here. She wondered why she wasn’t crying.
He had to go back to work. He’d see her next week. For the funeral.
‘Funeral?’ she repeated.
Milo left. Beth slept again, before Anne and James took her back to Melchester. She wanted to see Milo again, to ask him a favour. They drove her to The Island, where she spent a few hours in the audiovisual department.
Anne and James offered to drive Milo to the funeral, but he already had a lift. He said goodbye and went back to work.
It would be the first time that Milo had ever been to London.
*
Part of the road outside the church had been cordoned off: the police had warned James that it was a scrum of journalists, photographers and TV cameras. Beth closed her eyes and took a deep breath, opened the car door and kept her head down. Through the flashing and shouting, enclosed in Anne and James’ arms, she ran to the church door. Inside it was blissfully quiet. The church had been
decorated with anemones, Madame Smythe’s favourite flowers. The pews filled up with friends from school and people Beth recognised from Annabel’s house. Justin was there, but not his parents. Madame Smythe and the duke were smartly dressed but ashen and gaunt.
Milo arrived with a middle-aged man, tall and solid like he was, with grey hair and sad eyes. They sat in the pew beside Beth, nearly at the back. Milo gave her his hand.
Don’t leave me.
I’m right here.
When it was her turn, Beth stood up unsteadily from her seat. The walk to the front took aeons and every step was the most painful thing she had done in her life. She regretted asking Madame Smythe if she could speak at the funeral now; she couldn’t remember why she’d wanted to. Her footsteps on the tiles echoed in the hush of the church. She swallowed but there was no moisture in her mouth. Her breaths in and out were ragged and jumpy. Her head ached. The words stuck in her throat.
‘I… I wanted to show you what I remember of Zack. When I was with him, he… he… he was so different, he was so special. He had his own kind of life that he wanted to live, and it shone out of him. Zack didn’t believe in dwelling on the past or planning for the future. He shouldn’t have died now, not before he could show us what kind of a person he was really going to become. I… I’m sorry, I’m not making any sense today.’ She sobbed tearlessly and felt so alone up there, with everyone looking at her.
She turned to the projector and pressed the play button. Wish You Were Here began to play and pictures of Zack faded in and out on the screen. Stills that Beth had taken of him and film she’d made of him talking, walking, smoking, laughing, acting, scowling, lying, sitting, breathing, living. She stared as the song played out his life and she felt her eyes, sore and throbbing, threatening tears. Her legs buckled and she found Milo’s arm under hers.
