Milling around with Shadow, she was able to answer questions. The one she got asked most was if she was having any more showings. She only smiled at them and told them that things were in the works. Blake had been waiting on this show to end so that he could get a feel for other marketing avenues. He was sure now that Shadow was going to be a bigger hit than he’d first thought. She really was going to make a name for herself.
Driving home that night, she didn’t say much. When he asked her if she was all right, all she told him was she was working on her next piece. So keeping his own thoughts to himself, he thought about what he was going to do with his life now that he didn’t have anything to do. But then, managing his lovely wife might be more than a full time job, and he was looking forward to it.
Chapter 9
Shadow was working today and had begged for everyone to leave her alone. Mom sitting at the desk watching her didn’t unnerve her so much as it depressed her. She used to help her with her art, but now all she did was watch. Shadow wished that she had her mom back the way she used to be, but knew that wasn’t going to happen.
The body of the dragon was coming along nicely. This was only a test piece, much smaller than the one that she wanted to make. For this, she was using pieces of glass that had been broken too small to use on anything larger, so she didn’t care if it looked odd without the right colors on it.
“You should make her in clear. That way, she’d blend into the surrounding colors.” Shadow nearly dropped the piece she was working on when her mom spoke. “I’m not well, my Shadow. I haven’t been for a long time. You know that, don’t you?”
“I know you’re not getting any better, but I don’t know that you’re not well.” She stared at her. “Mom, I so miss you sometimes.”
“And I miss being there for you.” Mom looked around, and Shadow thought that she’d lost her again. It was harder, she thought, to have a clear day or time with her only to lose her again. “This is a nice place here. You have a good man that loves you. Mom told me that you have a baby on the way. How will you manage a child and me, I wonder?”
“I’ll make it work.” Mom shook her head and moved to where she was working. Shadow worked on her piece, and Mom cut off when she needed it to be done. “Let me put her in the hotbox, and we’ll talk.”
“No, you work. I so love watching you work. This is a good time for me, child, and I’d like to spend it keeping up with you.” They worked for twenty or so more minutes, not saying much at all but making the dragon come to life. “I want you to do me a favor, my Shadow. I want you to not grieve for me too much when I die.”
“Mom. What a terrible thing to say. It’ll break my heart if anything were to happen to you.” Mom hugged her and told her that she was sorry for everything. “Sorry for what? You’ve done nothing wrong. Why are you talking about this? You and Grannie are all the family I have left.”
“You have that nice young man. You should marry him.” Again, she thought that she was slipping away. “Honey, will you please think about putting me in a nursing home? I am too much for even me at times. Think of all the free time you’d have not trying to keep up with me.”
“I love you, and it’s never a problem taking care of you. You have my heart, Mom. Please, let’s just work together in the time we have and not talk of it anymore.”
Mom didn’t look happy about it, but she finally nodded. After working on putting the tail on her creature, she realized that her mom had slipped away again and sat staring at her like she was somewhat of a stranger to her.
Taking her with her when she went to the house, Mom said she needed to rest. It was about this time of the day when things got worse for her, and Shadow almost wanted to ask her to skip it today. But as she watched her going up the stairs to her room, Shadow could tell that she was tired.
The rest of the afternoon was spent on organizing the small trip they were taking this weekend. Mom and Grannie were going with them, and the boys were almost as excited to be going with them as they were about where they were going—a baseball game, then to the zoo. They were going to be back on Sunday night, then on Wednesday, the boys were out of school for the summer.
Mom came down when the boys got home and told them the same story she told them daily when they were there—how she’d had such a pretty dress when she’d been in fifth grade. Joey seemed to be paying less and less attention to the story as the days went by. However, Bennett would ask her the same questions. What color was it? How did she get it? Sometimes he’d add a couple more, but Mom seemed to enjoy being with them. Joey asked her where Dad was.
“Nate called him for some advice, and he’s gone over to see if he could help him out. He said that he’d be home in time for supper. I thought we’d grill out.” Cheers went up, and even Mom chimed in her voice. “Steaks and burgers?”
“We’re going to go watch some television for a little while. We didn’t have any homework.” Shadow told Joey to keep it down and watched as her mom followed them out of the room. She said she was going to find her mom. “We will, Mom. See you later, Grandma Jaclyn.”
Shadow was getting steaks and burgers out of the refrigerator when Blake made it home, not realizing how late it had gotten as she’d been in her office working on designs. Grannie had made some potato salad earlier, and also a couple of pies. When she asked Blake how things had gone, he didn’t answer her. Turning to look at him, she could see the worry on his face.
“What is it?” He shook his head. “Don’t tell me that. What’s wrong? If you don’t tell me, I’m going to march my happy ass over there and ask Nate. Now, again, what is it?”
“Nate and I were talking about his expansion of the school. He went over the proposal and asked for a loan. I told him that we’d fund it. Then I started home. I’m so sorry, honey.” She nodded, then shook her head. There was something else, some underlying thing that he was putting off telling her. “I came by way of the path that runs along the creek. I didn’t see her at first. She was tangled up in the trees.”
“Who was tangled up in the trees?” When he just looked at her she caught her breath. “No. She was here today. I mean, we talked about my work. She said that I should put her in a nursing home, but I wanted her here with me.” Blake reached for her, and she pulled away. “No, Blake. You must be mistaken. She was with the boys. I saw her following them to the playroom.”
“Nate and the others, they helped me pull Jaclyn from the water. She was already gone.” Shadow ran to the playroom where the boys had been with her. Shadow asked them if they’d seen her.
“No, not since we came home from school. Grandma Jaclyn told us she was going to take a nap. Do we need to help look for her?” She didn’t answer them, but Blake must have said something to them.
Shadow would not believe that her mom was gone until she looked everywhere for her. Starting up the stairs, she saw her grannie coming down. She’d been crying, and Shadow backed away from her.
“Nate just told me, Shadow. He said that she must have slipped and fell in. She’s gone, honey. Will you go with me to—?”
“No, I won’t believe it. She had a good day today, and we talked.” Grannie reached for her again, and this time Shadow didn’t have the strength to pull away. “She can’t be gone. I was going to work with her later. We made plans to work on the dragon together. Tell me, Grannie, please. Tell me that it’s not true.”
“It’s true. My darling little girl is gone.” She sat on the steps with Grannie and sobbed. “Oh, what am I to do now? My baby girl is gone.”
When Blake picked her up, Shadow realized that she must have cried herself to sleep sitting on the stairs. It was dark outside now, she noticed as she was laid on the bed. Shadow had lost her heart today. Her mom had died.
“Blake, did she kill herself?” He curled behind her on the big bed and held her. “I don’t know if I really want to know, but I feel as if I need
to.”
“There was a note for you stuck to the tree where we figured she’d gone in. If that is where she jumped, she’d been in the water for some time. I didn’t read the note. I didn’t feel it was my place.” She told him everything they’d talked about today. “I’m sorry, Shadow. It sounds like she was trying to tell you something. Did you know that she’d been to see the doctor recently? A week ago. My mom took her for her checkup.”
“I knew that she had an appointment, but I didn’t think that anything was any different.” She turned in the bed and looked at him. “What did your mom tell you?”
“Mom didn’t know either. I called the office and told them what had happened. I didn’t want you to have to have to see her like she was. He told me that your mom had cancer all through her body. Dr. Hershey said that he’d expected someone to call him because of the note that he’d sent home with your mom. She must have hidden it from all of us.”
“I wish I had known. I wonder if Nate did. Can’t he smell that on her?” Blake told her that he could as well, but since he didn’t know her before she’d gotten sick, they all assumed she smelled like she always did. And it was hidden too because of her illness. “What do I do now, Blake? What will happen now? My mom is gone.”
“I know, Shadow, and I’m profoundly sorry.”
She let him hold her again as she cried. Finding sleep the best way to deal with the hurt of it, Shadow let herself drift off to where she hadn’t lost her mom.
~*~
It was a difficult day for everyone, but especially Shadow and Grannie. Blake made sure to keep an eye on them both. Even the boys had rallied around the women in their family and kept them hydrated and fed. Joey had come away crying once when he’d been helping Grannie because he said her heart was so broken. It had taken Blake an hour before his own had mended enough to see to her.
The service had been held in the field where they’d been married. To him, it was the best place to have it when he found out how many people may come out. Once the service was ready to start, he was happy that his dad had suggested the open field. It afforded them a good space to have so many people come by.
They had requested that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the Alzheimer’s Association. Just that morning, someone had called from the association to thank them for their kindness. So much money was pouring in; he was told that it was going to make a big difference.
Right now, all Blake cared about was that he wished he could make a difference in Shadow’s life to bring her back to them. She had been quiet and rarely moving since she’d woken up the morning after her mom had been found. If he didn’t put food in front of her every few hours, he was sure that she’d not be eating at all. He was also worried about the baby.
“Has she said anything?” He told Grannie that she’d not said much at all. “We’re going to have to do something, Blake. I’m worried about her.”
“I am as well. And the baby. What can I do?” Grannie said she didn’t know, but she thought that Shadow was feeling guilty. “About what? She didn’t have anything to do with her mom’s illness.”
“I think, and this might be wrong, but when Jaclyn asked to be put in a nursing home, Shadow might have saved her from doing this if she’d agreed. She blames herself for not doing as her mother wanted. I have to tell you, Blake, I felt the same way for a while. Thinking we should have done something more. But I know my daughter too. If she was determined, she would have done it no matter what precautions we took.” Nate wondered if Grannie could be right. “I have an idea, but I don’t know if you’re the one that should do it. She needs to be...well, she needs to be slapped around a bit. By one of them sisters of yours.”
“Hit her?” He was so shocked that he had to lower his voice when he spoke again. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I mean, Dylan can be kind of violent, but hitting my wife? No, I don’t think so.”
“It’s a wonderful idea.” He looked at his mom, who had been just as worried as he’d been. “Yes, I’ll have a talk with them all now. They’ll have to get her alone. I don’t think people should know that we’re resorting to violence to bring our girl back to us like you said, but they’ll do it.”
When his mom walked away, he stared at her. She was for this? Someone to hit his wife, his pregnant wife? He decided to talk to his dad and grandda. Maybe they’d be able to talk to mom. This was insane, he thought. They were going to hit her?
~*~
Carter drew the short stick—literally a shorter stick than the others. She wasn’t afraid of Shadow. Carter loved her very much. And her pain was like a blanket over her that Carter needed to pull off. Sitting in front of the nearly broken woman, she looked at what only a few days of grieving had done to her.
“You look like shit.” For a second, there was a brief bit of anger there. But it was there and gone so quickly that Carter knew there was hope for her yet. “Your hair is all stringy, and I don’t know if you know this or not, but it looks like a rat has taken up some sort of housing development in it. You’ve really let yourself go, Shadow.”
“Go away. I hurt.” Carter grinned. Yes, there was a little anger in that too. “I could have saved her, but I didn’t want to. I was too busy being a ‘good daughter.’ Which I was not.”
“You think you’re a terrible daughter? Sheesh, have you been paying attention to the shit going on around you? Sunny’s brother and sister—now there were some bad people. Samuel, her brother, actually shot her in the head, and her sister was about as nasty as they come. Then there are my parents. I don’t know if you can count them as wholly bad people. My dad died, and Mom turned her act around. Neither can you count Dylan’s family. They’re the nicest people I know. Her grandda died of Alz too.” Shadow told her to go away again. “Nah, you don’t really want me to go away. You want to get pissy with me so that you can feel better about yourself. You had nothing to do with what happened, Shadow. Your mom, she was tired of living the way she was. I talk to people with Alz a great deal when I go to the clinic to help out. Most of them, just about every one of them, wished they had it as good as your mom did.”
“She’s dead. Do they wish that?” Carter nodded, telling her that they never had a soul in their corner, and had no one to depend on either. “She tried to tell me to send her away. I didn’t, and now she’s dead.”
“How much do you know about nursing homes? I’m betting a little, but not a lot. Their staff is so overworked they can barely get any breaks. In the kind of ward that your mom would have been in, a memory care unit, they have to do a great deal more than they do in just a regular setting. They have to bathe the residents, and sometimes feed them. If they’re wearing Depends, that has to be checked and then changed too. Some of the people have to be reminded to dress and to stay dressed while in there. But the worst part of being in that sort of setting is that their families have left them there and never visit.” Shadow said she’d never do that. “I know that about you. You would have been there all day every day, making sure she never had a moment of unrest about having someone visit her. There are some people there, Shadow, that haven’t seen their family in years. You know why? I can guess, and I’m sure you can too.”
“I’ve been in those homes before. They try.” Carter agreed with her. “Mom wasn’t that much trouble either. I would have done it forever.”
“I’m thinking that’s what she thought too.” Shadow looked at her then, and the anger there was palpable. “She knew about the baby, didn’t she? She more than likely thought that, in her mind, she was saving you from having two children to raise. And instead of both of them growing up and getting to be able to care for themselves, your mom would have gotten less and less able to do anything. In the nursing home, think about fifty or so patients like that with only about ten or so nurses and aides to help out. And eventually, Shadow, you would have had to do something like that. When you have another child, you’d not ha
ve been able to keep your mother safe. Nor would you have been able to see to her needs that would have come with her illness getting worse. Have you read her note to you?”
“I can’t.” Carter nodded. It was then that she noticed that it was on Shadow’s lap. “I don’t want her to tell me that I’ve failed her, and that is why she took her own life. I don’t think I could handle that.”
Carter took the note and held it in her hand. Smiling at Shadow, she told her what she felt from her mom. The emotions were so strong that even someone with less powers than her would have been able to feel it.
“All I can feel from this is love. So much so that it makes me feel inadequate when I think of my love for my own child. I can also feel her determination, her anger at herself because she has to work so hard on trying to make the words just right. But Christ, Shadow, she loved you. With all her heart, and then some. May I read what she had to say to you?” When Shadow nodded, Carter had to take a moment to breathe in and out. Emotions were something that she was still getting used to feeling from others, and with this letter, there was a great deal of it.
“My darling Shadow. I will forever remember you as my child that would tangle your feet up with mine. The day you made your first real piece and the love that you gave me with each and every breath that you took. I must leave you before it’s too much for you. I know you will say that it will never be too much, but we both know that it’s only a matter of time before I am forever lost, and I cannot talk to you like we did today. I cannot be a burden to you any longer.
“I hurt so much, my darling. I ache for the memories that I have lost. For the ones that I’ll never remember. You have made me so proud, and by leaving you now, I know that I will have that one memory for several lifetimes.
“I have asked God for this time today, telling him, begging him to forgive me for what I’m going to do. He gave me a clear head so that I could write this to you now. In an hour, less probably, I will not remember my name again. Nor will I remember how badly I’m hurting you by doing this.
Blake: The Whitfield Rancher – Tiger Shapeshifter Romance Page 11
